Chapter 36
I t was the morning of the Samonend, and I was on my second cup of soothing tea to calm my nerves. I honestly could’ve used another, but Soren didn’t want me to be lethargic for the conduction.
“We’re going to be great,” Soren assured me, not for the first time.
"I know," I said because it was the right thing to say, but I didn't feel confident.
A knock at the front door interrupted him, but it was just as well because I didn't want any more pep talks. Soren went to answer it, leaving me on the sofa in the library and holding my teacup with both hands.
From where I sat, I could hear the voices: Soren's distinct baritone and a woman's that sounded familiar.
A moment later, Soren poked his head into the library. “Izzy, there’s a Heloise to see you. Do you want me to send her away?”
"Don't send her away!" I leaped to my feet and rushed out to greet her. It wasn't until she was standing in the foyer that I realized how much I missed her.
“Miss Izzy!” she exclaimed with tears in her eyes, and I ran over to hug her.
Four years ago, Heloise started working four days a week, from sunup to sundown, as a housekeeper at Adora's and my estate. Before that, my mother had hired her when she could afford it, primarily for mending, laundry, and cooking. But the relationship had begun even before that when my mother and I were first out on our own. Heloise had been the downstairs neighbor who taught Adora how to keep an infant alive, and she'd also been the one to watch me whenever Adora had work or other engagements.
I had known her my entire life, and she had offered me far more hugs than Adora had.
“Is everything okay? Did something happen?” I asked.
“No, everything is fine,” she assured me. “I missed you, and I wanted to wish you good luck on the day of your conduction.”
“I’ve missed you, too!” I gave her another squeeze, then released her so I could get a better look at her. “How are you? Have you been well?”
“I am always well. You know me,” Heloise replied as she appraised. Her hand went to my cheek. “You look happy and healthy.”
“I am,” I agreed, even if my nerves were frayed at this particular moment.
Heloise’s gaze flitted over to Soren, who lingered uncertainly at the edge of the room. She lowered her voice when she asked, “Is he treating you well?”
“I am very comfortable in the guest flat,” I told her.
Her smile deepened in relief. “Good.”
"How is everything back home?" I asked because saying Adora's name aloud felt like summoning trouble.
“Everything… everything is as it was,” Heloise answered carefully. “You should know that Lady Adora still plans to attend Samonend today. She has been invited to sit with the courtiers.”
My heart skipped a beat, but I knew that this was a possibility. Adora never missed a chance to rub elbows with Queen Kriselle and other nobles.
"I hope she enjoys the performance,” I said.
Heloise squeezed my hand and gave me a pained smile. “I know that she will.”
She left shortly after that because she needed to work at Adora's for the day, and I did not envy her. My mother's moods were always unpredictable on festival days, and I had to imagine she would be especially volatile given all that was happening between us.
But I didn’t have time to worry about her. There was too much that needed to be done.
We had to leave Soren's estate early because the streets were always a madhouse during festivals. I watched out the carriage window at the black ribbons and skeletal effigies hanging from the kerosene lampposts. Bright orange and red chrysantha blossoms remained steadfast despite the chilly air. All around, I could hear the music and sounds of Samonend.
It was a festival to honor our ancestors and a last hurrah before welcoming the impending winter darkness. The fall harvest was behind us, and the kingdom felt free for a few days.
When we finally pulled in front of the palace, Soren got out first, and he turned back to take my hand and help me out of the carriage. Both of us were already dressed in our conduction regalia because there was no way we could reserve a dressing room today. Those went to the most prestigious performers, nobles, and any of those with enough coin. Soren and I were none of those, and he barely had enough clout to secure us a short opening slot.
Zinnia Russo made Soren's clothing, too, and designed it to match mine. He wore a long jacket, where the fabric transitioned to the same gossamer feathers of my dress. Underneath, he wore only a fitted brocade vest, so his red amulet lay on his bare chest. His hair was longish, making it a little wavy even when slicked back, and his dark eyes smoldered whenever he looked at me. His hand that took mine was adorned with heavy rings.
As soon as my feet touched the walkway up to the palaces, Soren let go of my hand and moved to the more chaste crook of his elbow. All around us were other attendees and performers arriving and the pesky moscazzi buzzing about.
The moscazzi were small fairies, no larger than a fly, who worked in gossip and information. They lingered around the royal palace and popular events, and they sold their stories to local papers and curious sidelined nobles.
I felt like throwing up, and I was already scanning the crowds for Adora and Baxley. I knew they would be here, but I would feel so much better if I could see where they were. If I had certainty about what places to avoid.
“I’m here with you.” Soren’s voice was low enough that only I could hear it. My left hand was in the crook of his right arm, and he put his free hand over mine, caressing the back of it with his thumb. “I will be right by your side all night long.”
And somehow, that did settle my nerves. Not entirely, but it felt a bit easier to breathe and think.
We made our way to the ballroom, which served as a holding room for all the acts. Fortunately, everyone was so focused on preparing that no one wanted to chat. That was perfect because neither did I.
There was an overabundance of varying acts. A tiger was sleeping in the corner while her handler watched over, and there were different muses, jugglers, and enchanters.
Herve Chaunter and his flock muses in their fluffy, brightly colored feather costumes came in as show time grew closer. They’d likely been practicing in a large room while I tried to stretch in a tiny spot next to Soren.
Briar waved at me from across the room, and she was practically drowning in crimson feathers. They covered her chest and her hair, so I could hardly even see her . But then I saw Hereve looming behind her, speaking to Baxley Cole, who was all dressed in yellow.
I smiled and waved at Briar, and then I looked away. The moment I did, I felt Soren’s hand on the small of my back, subtle but so reassuring. I wanted to lean into him, to feel his arms around me. But now was definitely not the place, even if that kind of thing wasn’t forbidden.
Finally, it was mine and Soren's turn to perform. We walked out of the holding room to the main ballroom, arm-in-arm. On the dais, Queen Kriselle was on her throne, with her daughters Cosetta, Sylvetta, Flornetta, Danetta, and Anabetta on her right side, and her various other courtiers on the left. Among them, I saw my mother’s eyes, but I kept my expression even and my head high.
Across from the dais, the audience formed a semicircle around the crescent-shaped stage. The floor-level attendees were comprised of the wealthy elite of Calida and whatever other citizens could buy their entry or find a way to sneak in.
Soren and I walked to the center of the stage, smiling and bowing before the royal family. Just before we parted, he whispered in my ear, “Close your eyes and remember it’s only me and you.”
I took my position in the center while Soren moved off to the side as my enchanter. I held an orange scarf in one hand and a red one in the other. They were the only bits of color in my costume, at least until I brought out the magik.
The conduction began with the sound of a raven, and then the elegy began playing. I closed my eyes and let my body move the way it knew how. I thought of Soren’s hand pressed on my abdomen, and I pushed my magik out with all my might.
Soren's emotive baritone enveloped me, consuming me, so it was only his voice and the air whipping around me. The ground had disappeared beneath me, and I was twirling through the ether, dancing scarves and filling the air with glittering lights of ravens and roses.
At the decrescendo of the music, when I hit my final pose, I opened my eyes and could see the remnants of the magik crackling through the air. The crowd was staring in wonderment, but my eyes searched for Soren because he was the only opinion that really mattered to me.
He smiled at me with pride and delight as he lowered me back to the ground. Before my feet even touched the sound, the audience began to applaud.
We bowed before the Queen and her court, forcing myself to be polite even when I had an irresistible urge to run off the stage.
At last, when we were able to escape into the dark corridor away from prying eyes, I leaned back against the cold wall and let out a laugh.
“You were magnificent, Izzy,” Soren said, his eyes full of heat and energy.
“ We were magnificent,” I corrected him. “Do you think we made our ancestors happy?”
“You made everyone in the whole damn kingdom happy,” he said with a wicked smile. He moved in closer to me, and my heart pounded in exhilaration. “But no one more than me.”
He'd removed his overcoat during the conduction, so he stood sleeveless in his vest. The tattoos that covered his arms glowed faintly, and so did his eyes.
“Izzy!” Briar suddenly shouted in excitement, and I looked over to see her rounding the corner and racing toward me. “There you are!”
Soren immediately moved away from me, practically jumping back as if burned, but I don’t think Briar noticed.
“What are you doing? Why aren’t you waiting with the other muses?” I asked.
“We don’t go on until after the tiger who jumps through the rings of fire, and she’s still asleep, so we have time.” She waved it off, her wrist adornments leaving trails of tiny glittery feathers in the air. She shed them everywhere she went.
"Everyone was watching through the door, and oh my gosh, Izzy, you were so amazing!" Briar beamed at me, then looked over at Soren. "And you, too, Soren! You blew everyone away! Herve is looking nervous."
“He did go overboard on those costumes,” Soren commented.
"I can't wait until I can change out of this," she agreed with a laugh. "I should be getting back before Herve knows I'm gone. But I wanted to tell you how much I loved your conduction in case you left early. Are you staying for the after-party?"
"Um…yes. I think we might," I said because happiness was infectious, and I was still riding the high from the conduction. For a short window afterward, I felt nearly invincible.
“Yay!” Briar squealed and kissed my cheek. “See you later!”
“You want to stay later then?” Soren asked me as I watched my friend’s retreating figure.
“Yes. If you don’t mind,” I said and looked up at him.
“Why would I mind? It sounds fun.” He smirked, and he reached forward and gently rubbed his thumb across my cheek where Briar had planted a kiss. “Briar left my lipstick on your face.”
After he finished wiping away the smudge, his hand lingered, cradling my face, and his eyes were the only things I could see in the darkness.
I had never wanted to kiss anyone more than I wanted to kiss him. It was a desperate need clawing out from the heat in my belly. I would've given nearly anything to feel his lips against mine at that moment.
But I was too afraid to move, too afraid that if I leaned in, he would only pull away. So I stayed frozen between him and the cold wall behind me.
"We should go," he said at length. He dropped his hand, leaving my cheek suddenly cold without his touch, and he offered me his arm so we could walk out together in a respectable fashion. "We don't want to miss the tiger perform."