Chapter 35
S oren's voice, soft and concerned, pulled me from my thoughts. "Izzy?"
I opened my eyes and shook my head, trying to clear it of any thought of Baxley.
“Sorry. Just nerves.” I forced a smile up at Soren, and his brows crunched in confusion.
“Why are you apologizing? You’ve done nothing wrong.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I’m on edge and not as present as I should be, so I assumed I was making mistakes.”
“Well, you’re not.” He put a hand on my arm, warm and reassuring. “And if you’re on edge and need grounding, then we can do some things to calm you.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay. What can we do?”
“Let’s run through the performance, no levitation or lights. Just moving your body in the space, centering yourself in the moment.”
I nodded, and he gave me a soft smile. His hand dropped from my arm, and he slowly walked around until he was behind me.
“Close your eyes,” he commanded gently, and his voice was practically in my ear.
I closed my eyes, and his arm wound around my waist. Not touching me, but I could feel the heat from his body through the thin fabric. His arcane tattoos must radiate heat when he’s channeling magik.
And then I felt his hand, splayed flat across my abdomen, the place where I drew my magik from.
"Breathe," Soren said, so I took a deep breath.
The music began, filling the room, and his baritone was low and husky in my ear as he sang.
And then my body began to move as if it had a mind of its own, taking the steps I'd memorized in my soul.
Soren's hand remained on my stomach – neither guiding nor pushing me, but simply telling me he was here with me every step.
The air rushed around as we moved across the ballroom, and I felt the ground disappear beneath my feet. But I didn't open my eyes until the music reached the crescendo. When I did, I wasn't surprised to see the magik sparkling in the air or that we were both floating six feet off the floor.
“You didn’t hold back your lights,” Soren said.
“And you didn’t hold back your levitation,” I said.
“How is your acrophobia?”
“I’m feeling good.”
The distance between us had somehow disappeared, so my back was pressed against his chest, and his arm was wrapped around my waist, holding me securely to him. Floating in the air with Soren, I knew I was completely safe.
I didn’t know why we were still in the air. Was this meant to desensitize me to heights? But I was too afraid to ask because I didn’t want the moment to stop, so I closed my eyes and relished it.
I leaned back into him, and his other arm snaked around my waist, enveloping me. His breath was ragged, and his lips brushed against my neck.
“Oh, excuse me!” a shrill voice suddenly cut through the air.
I opened my eyes to see Cosetta and Sylvetta, the Princesses of Calida, standing in the now open door to the ballroom.
And Soren and I were in the sort of embrace that was definitely not allowed.
“No apologies necessary,” Soren said with faux cheer.
His arm was still around me as we descended slowly, and he released me the moment our feet touched the floor. He casually stepped away from me then, trying to play it off as if the embrace was a necessary part of our conduction rehearsal.
“We didn’t realize anyone was using this room,” Sylvetta said, but her sly smile made me uneasy.
“It’s your ballroom in your palace, so you are always welcome,” Soren said, smiling broadly.
“We will leave you to finish your rehearsal,” Cosetta said. She was the Crown Princess, and she seemed to be urging her younger sister on.
“Actually, we are finished for the day,” Soren announced to my surprise. We’d only run through it once, without all the bells and whistles, so it hardly even counted as a dress rehearsal.
“We didn’t mean to chase you out,” Sylvetta said, still with a strange knowing smile.
“You are much too kind, Your Grace, but we will be on our way,” Soren said, and we slipped by them and out the door.
He didn’t speak again until we were almost out of the palace. Without looking at me, he asked, “Did the dress feel comfortable?”
“Yes. It was wonderful.”
“Good.” He nodded once, then called the carriage to take us back to his estate.
When we arrived, I went straight back to the guest flat to change out of my dress so I wouldn’t damage it. It ended up being quite the struggle because of the tiny little hooks down the side. Usually, I had Adora or Heloise or other muses to help. But I couldn’t ask Soren, not after what happened today, so I managed on my own.
I washed all the heavy performance makeup off my face and dressed again in my casual clothing. A cold chill blew through the drafts in the flat, so I wrapped a flannel cloak around my shoulders. The evening had come in quickly with dark storm clouds, and I could see Soren’s silhouette in the warm glow of the kitchen.
The day's events had left my stomach churning, so I wasn't hungry. But if Soren was making supper, I ought to go down and eat it. And we would have to talk since Samonend was tomorrow.
Soren was sitting in his spot at the dinner table, sipping a full goblet of wine. A place was set for the both of us, the plates still empty with the roasted quail on a platter in the center.
“Good evening,” I said stiffly as I took my seat at the table across from him.
He cleared his throat and rested his arms on the table, avoiding my gaze as he spoke. “I need to start off by apologizing once again.”
“Soren, you have no reason to apologize,” I said quickly. “It’s my fault for being out of sorts. I saw Baxley and got into my head, and I needed you to ground me.”
His eyes quirked up at Baxley’s name, but he let me finish before saying, “Izzy. Stop. If the Princesses hadn’t interrupted us, we both know where things were heading.”
His gaze flicked to my lips, and my skin flushed with heat, and he quickly looked away again.
"Things had already gone too far," he said finally. "I'm your enchanter, and it is inappropriate for me to have romantic yearnings, let alone act on them. I know better, and you deserve better."
"I don't know how I can deserve better than my own desires," I argued, and I hated how my voice cracked when I tried to declare my feelings. "Nothing has happened between us that I haven't wanted or enjoyed."
The look that flashed across his face then was pure, unadulterated pain, as if I had struck him with all my might.
"It is too easy for emotions to get the best of us when working so closely," he insisted. "Things can get messy. People can get hurt.” He exhaled roughly. “I don’t want that for you or for us. So we need to remember that it’s only magik, and we can keep things professional.”
I wanted to cry or argue but didn't see the point. Soren's mind was made up, and he might even be right.
It still hurt, though, in a visceral way knowing that he believed what had transpired between us was wrong and a mistake and something that I needed to be protected from.
But I swallowed it down and nodded.
“You understand, don’t you, Izzy? Why it has to be this way?” he asked me, almost entreating me to understand.
“I do.”
He relaxed slightly back into his chair, his shoulders sagging. Then he tilted his head. “What was that you were saying about Baxley? Did you mean Baxley Cole?”
“Yes, that’s him,” I replied tightly.
In the two years since we had broken up, Baxley’s star had only risen, so it made sense that Soren was aware of him. His older brother, Raiment Cole, had married Princess Sylvetta, moving the family even closer to the crown.
“What happened with him?” Soren asked.
“We dated for a while… and things ended badly.”
“Badly how?” he pressed.
“Why are you even asking? Does it even matter?” I shot back at him with tears in my eyes, unable to hold them back any longer.
“Whatever happened between you two, it clearly matters to you. I want to know because you were shaking after you saw him, and I want to help you,” Soren replied simply.
I softened some because I didn't want Baxley to get to me tomorrow during the conduction—or ever again, honestly.
But I couldn’t look at Soren, and the explanation came out flat and almost monotone, but that was the only way I could get through it: “He accused me of cheating. I hadn’t, so I denied it. He didn’t believe me, so he put his hands around my throat. And then he said that I was dead to him, and that was that.”
“Are you okay?” Soren asked when I finished.
“It was a long time ago.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“I’m okay. I’m just nervous around him.”
“I’ll make sure to keep you away from him tomorrow,” he promised me, and then he rose to his feet. “Are you hungry? Would you like me to fix you a plate?”