Chapter 20
CHAPTER 20
I startled when I heard the loft door slide open. I looked up across the room. Matt walked in, still wearing the same clothes from the night before. He looked rough. He paused when he saw the black duffle bag on the floor. Slowly he lifted his head and looked up at me. I leveled him with a look.
He slowly walked to the island, tossed his keys on the granite and slid onto a stool across from me. My heart galloped in my chest. I had so much to say and so many questions to ask. Instead, I just looked at him.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he said.
“Look at you like what?”
“Like you hate my guts.”
“I don’t hate your guts.”
“You should.”
“Why should I hate your guts?”
His blue eyes turned and stared at my face. “Because I fooled around with someone last night.”
My mouth dropped open. My heart was a sickening thud in my chest. Blood rushed through my ears. I became aware of how shallow my breath was. I stared at him. “Who?”
“Doesn’t matter. She doesn’t matter.”
I brought in air through my nose. “Was it Katherine?”
He stared at me for a long moment. “No, and you need to just to let it go. It didn’t mean anything.”
My entire body felt cold.
I looked around my loft in a daze. I knew something had been wrong between us, but I hadn’t wanted to face it. I had tried to pretend that everything was going to work out.
“I just ordered our wedding invitations,” I said, feeling stupid. I had thought that if we could just get to the other side, we would be fine.
He refused to look at me. “I'm sorry.”
“You're sorry that I ordered the invitations or you’re sorry that you cheated on me?”
“I'm sorry for what I did. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
But he had hurt me.
“Now what?” I stared at him. Would he move out? What about dinner? And Jackson? Pain shot through my heart. If Matt left, there would be no reason for Jackson to stay. I couldn’t process the thought of both Jackson and Matt leaving me alone in this loft. I would not stay here alone. Thoughts were flying through my mind in no particular order.
He looked down at his hands. “Can we just forget it happened and carry on?”
My entire body went still. Then I put both my hands on my forehead and squeezed my eyes shut. I felt relief. Relief that Matt did not want us to break up.
Jackson flashed through my mind. The way he pushed his hands into my hair and pulled me into the most sinful kiss. The feel of his hot breath on my ankle when he took off my shoes. How he allowed me to curl up with him on the couch.
I felt guilty as I looked at Matt. He might have messed around with some stranger, but I have coveted Jackson, flirted with him and developed a stupid crush. Jackson was Matt’s pseudo-brother. What I had done seemed so much worse.
“Em, please. Say something.”
I lifted my head. “What does fool around mean?”
He gave me an incredulous look.
“Did you have sex?”
He shook his head.
“I want specifics.”
“Emily.”
“I need to know the extent of this situation.”
“We kissed. And we messed around.”
“What does that mean?”
“She went down on me.”
My eyes went wide. I had never seen Matt naked. We had never gone below the waist. What he had done was so much worse than what I had done. It was crazy, but as I listened to Matt confessing his sins, it felt like it absolved me from my own.
“Is that it?”
His eyes were on my face. “That’s it.”
I hesitated. “You still want to get married?”
“Yes.”
“Can we have a baby?”
He blinked slowly. “What?”
I licked my lips. “I want a baby within the first year. I want a family.”
“How about you get pregnant within the first two years.”
I crossed my arms. “The first year.”
His eyes narrowed. “And we never speak of this again?”
Would it be this easy? Could I just pretend that Matt hadn’t cheated on me and we would get the wedding back on track? I stared at him. By this time, next year, I could have a baby. Then my family would be complete.
“We’ll never speak of this again. ”
We both just sat there. Long moments ticked by.
Finally, he spoke, switching gears. “Is Jackson leaving?”
“Is that what you want?” I looked up.
“No,” he couldn’t meet my gaze. “It may not seem like it, but I don’t want him to leave.”
“He was going to, but your mom showed up.”
Shock crossed his face. “Where are they?”
“Your mom is at her hotel, and I have no clue where Jackson is. But they’re both coming back here for dinner.”
Matt shut his eyes and his face crumpled. “Fuck.”
“What happened between the two of you?”
He shrugged and refused to meet my eyes.
“Why won’t you tell me what happened?”
“It’s water under the bridge.”
“To move forward, you both need to address this.”
He rubbed his face. “I can’t talk about it.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t.”
I stared at him for a long time. Why could he not discuss it with me? What had happened between them? Had they committed some crime together and were bound together by some blood pact? I knew that Matt would not budge on the issue.
He stood up, looking stiff and a bit wrecked. “Are we good?”
I nodded.
“Okay, I'm going upstairs to shower.”
I watched as he slowly started to walk upstairs.
“Why do you want to be married to me, Matt?”
He glanced over the railing at me. “Because you and I can have a perfect life together. Look at this place. Together we can do it all.”
His answer left me completely cold. There it was. We both were getting married for different reasons. Maybe we didn’t have the fairy tale marriage, but Matt would give me what I wanted. I would get my husband, and together we would create a little family. And in turn, I would give Matt what he wanted. Money. It’s not like we hated each other. Before all this craziness started, we had quite liked each other at one point. He would be a successful lawyer, and I would be a stay-at-home mom. And together, we would each find our version of happiness. Love was messy. With Matt, I was in control. There was no dark jealousy or intense fluttering in my stomach. We were a stable couple together. All those big passionate emotions just de-stabilized everything. Created an imbalance. Marrying Matt was the smart choice. Not everyone could have the perfect love story, but together we could create a happy life together. And right now, that sounded good to me.
I looked around the kitchen. There was no way I could cook tonight. I flipped through our take-out brochures and then decided on Thai food. I called for food and then wiped down an already spotless counter. Why did I feel so bereft? I was going to get what I wanted. I wanted a baby. I wanted a family. Together Matt and I would create our own little perfect family. This is what I needed most in this world. So why did my heart feel so heavy?