Chapter 28
CHAPTER 28
I don’t recommend falling in love with someone other than your fiancé. It's a heartbreaking affair with no happy ending. Jackson had been nothing but a supportive and caring friend towards me, so to reward him, I spent the next four days avoiding him like he had the plague. It’s kind of like being an addict. You can spend all this time indulging in your addiction, and as long as you tell yourself that you are not in over your head, you can just keep on going. The moment you get truthful and real with yourself, that self-honesty just shatters any illusions you have.
I was a goner. Way past the point of return with Jackson. I mean, the guy would walk into the room, and I could feel my heart accelerate. I was physically incapable of not looking at him when he was near. I dreamt of him, thought of him every moment, and daydreamed about a future that would never happen.
I studiously avoided him. I even went so far as to call the gallery and volunteer to come in and help with displays so that I didn’t have to be home alone with him. I would catch him studying me, and it made me feel sorry for outright pushing him away, but I was so overwhelmed with my feelings for him I couldn’t even deal .
Matt had stopped texting and communicating altogether. I heard him come in. Always late at night, long after I had gone to bed. Where he was going and what he was doing was anyone’s guess, but I didn’t have a clue how to deal with him. So I did what I always did best when things got complicated. I pretended it wasn’t happening and just carried on. That was how I handled it when my parents died. That’s how I handled it when my granny passed. I just sucked it up and acted like everything was fine. It was how I got through everything terrible in my life.
It was late in the afternoon, and I was sitting on the patio with Chloe listening to music on my iPod. Jackson had gone for a run. I ran upstairs to switch the laundry. I folded the towels from Jackson’s bathroom. I opened the bathroom door and stepped in.
I froze. I observed the scene in slow motion. Jackson was in the shower. Steam swirled around the room. His head was back. His slicked back hair showed off the sharp angular features of his face. His eyes shut as the water pounded over his face. Massive shoulders, huge arms. Washboard stomach that tapered down to…oh, my God, his hand was on his member. And it was hard! He was masturbating. Jackson was masturbating! Frozen, I could not peel my eyes off his hand, wrapped around his aroused hardness, moving on it, up and down. I had never seen the male appendage before in my life, and I was stunned at how big it was. My breath was coming in short gasps. His hand stilled, and I dragged my eyes up to his face. Green eyes were staring at me. Dark and aroused.
The towels and my iPod dropped out of my numb hands, and the earpieces ripped out of my ears. All I could hear was my harsh breathing.
“I'm so sorry,” I breathed. I backed up, hitting my head hard against the half-opened door. Holding the back of my head, I fumbled in a panic to get out. I had just violated his privacy .
“Em,” he said, his voice low.
“Jackson, I'm sorry,” I yanked open the door and hauled my ass out of there. I ran to my bathroom and slid down the wall, my face in my hands. I was breathing hard, even more tingly than when he kissed me. I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Flashes of his body kept replaying in my mind. Jackson, in all his glory. Aroused. Erect. It was so big. I had no idea how something like that would even fit into a woman. That wasn’t even normal, was it?
Jackson was gorgeous, but Jackson naked and aroused, that was something that would ruin me for all other men. OMG. I would never be able to think of anything else when he was in the room.
Matt was never around. I didn’t even care. Because I was in so deep with how I felt about Jackson, I couldn’t even think straight. Did I try and end it with Matt? No. Did I try and fix things? No. Did I try and end our engagement? No. Because in my mind I was still planning on marrying Matt.
I told myself lie after lie. We were going through a rough patch. This was just wedding jitters for both of us. None of this was real. My feelings for Jackson were not real. I needed to get a grip. I needed to get my facts straight. One, Jackson was so out of my pay grade it wasn’t even funny. Two, he did not want me. Most of this situation was my overactive imagination. Three, if the world was ending and for some bizarre reason we decided to cross that line, it would destroy his relationship with Matt and Irene. Four, he had a dangerous job, and he didn’t want marriage, and he didn’t want children. I did. Five, there was zero chance of any future between us.
Now I needed to go downstairs and act like nothing was wrong. I needed to face the music.
I made my way down the stairs. Jackson was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. His hair was damp. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt that clung to his hard chest. With his long legs crossed, he scrolled on his phone.
I sat down at the island and took a deep breath and avoided his gaze.
“I ordered some pizza,” he finally said.
“Okay, thanks,” my voice sounded weird.
He stepped forward and with exaggerated care, placed my iPod on the island in front of me. Neither of us spoke. I traced my finger over a pattern in the granite. Not awkward at all. I thought about his huge erect member in his big hand. I turned bright red. I covered my face with my hands and moaned.
He laughed. “Em.”
“I'm very sorry about that."
“You got yourself a little-unexpected peep show.”
“Jackson, stop,” I pleaded. “I didn’t know you were home.”
“The look on your face,” he baited. “It’s like you’ve never seen anyone do that before.”
My eyes, against my stern permission, flew to his face. He was staring at me with the most intense look.
“You have seen a guy jerk off before, haven’t you?” he asked slowly.
I shook my head. The words were coming out of my mouth like someone had injected me with truth serum. “I haven’t seen a naked guy before. At least not in real life.”
Desire flickered to life in his eyes as he held my gaze. “Emily, what exactly have you done?”
I licked my lips. “Why?”
“Curious.”
I told myself to think of this as a friendly sex-ed talk with an older guy friend. “I’ve kissed.”
“And?”
I shrugged, dropping my eyes.
“Have you ever had a guy go down on you?”
My eyes flew to his face. “Like with his mouth? ”
“Yes, with his mouth.”
“No!”
“Have any of your little boyfriends ever coped a feel.”
I looked at him suspiciously. “What kind of feel?”
“You know, maybe one of them slid their hand up your skirt and explored a bit?”
My face flamed. And something low and throbbing was happening between my legs. I was loving this conversation and hating it at the same time.
“No,” my voice was barely a whisper.
He started to move. As he walked past me, he put his mouth on my ear. I froze as sensations shot down my neck where his breath was tickling my skin.
“Ready to talk about it yet?” his voice was low.
I shook my head.
“I'm going out. Money is on the counter for the pizza.”
And with that, he left.
I ate pizza by myself before dragging myself upstairs for the night.