Chapter 44
CHAPTER 44
Jackson drove me back to the loft. I huddled in the passenger seat, unable to speak. He glanced at me frequently, but I couldn’t meet his eyes. I tried to wrap my mind around everything, but my mind was blank.
When we reached the loft, he got out of the truck and walked around to my side. He opened the door, and I reached out my arms to him. He picked me up and carried me up into the loft. He continued to carry me up to my bedroom. And then we stood in my bathroom.
He didn’t say a word to me, just turned on the shower. I started to cry. With an unbelievably gentle touch, he helped me pull his sweatshirt over my head. I kicked off my clothes, and then I stepped beneath the warm spray.
Heavy emotions continued to roll over me. And then he was behind me, his huge arms wrapped around me from behind. I turned around and clung to him, sobbing my heart out. He didn’t say a word, he just held me to his chest.
When I could cry no more, he took a bar of soap and a cloth and gently washed my body. I stood there like a rag doll, unmoving as he washed every inch of me. He washed my hair. Holding my neck as he tilted my head back to rinse.
I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He had taken off his shirt, but he still wore his jeans. He inspected my face. When his eyes dropped to my bruised neck, I could see his nostrils flare in anger.
Our eyes met. This man had saved me from imminent death. I owed him my life.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He swallowed and reached behind me, turning the water off.
Much like the time I had barfed, he dried me off. And then he picked me up and carried me to sit on my bed.
I allowed him to pull a t-shirt over my head and then held onto his shoulder while he helped me step into a pair of panties. He whipped back the covers off the bed, and I climbed in. I curled up on my side and stared up at him.
“Can I get you something to drink?” his voice sounded low.
I shook my head. I wanted to ask him to get in and hold me, but I was afraid that he would say no.
He nodded and stepped back.
I lifted my head, my voice full of fear. “Are you leaving?”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I relaxed again. I couldn’t seem to keep my eyes open. “I feel so tired.”
“You’re coming off adrenaline. Just try and sleep. You'll feel better once you sleep.”
“Don’t leave me,” the words sounded jumbled to my ears.
His voice sounded so far away. “I couldn’t if I tried.”
I jerked awake. The room was black. I sat up, disoriented. My eyes adjusted to the lack of light. Jackson sat on a chair, his long legs crossed, his feet up on the edge of the bed. His arms were crossed, and he stared back at me. His features looked dark and angular in the dim light.
“How long have I been asleep?” my voice croaked.
He checked his military watch. “About six hours.”
I swallowed, my mouth dry. “Have you been sitting here with me the entire time?”
“Pretty much.”
I flopped back on my pillow and stared up at the ceiling. He had sat and guarded me while I slept. How was I not supposed to love this man? He made the task impossible.
I was pregnant. The thought jarred through my mind.
I sat straight back up, my heart pounding hard. Holy fuck. Had that been a dream? Had the doctor told me that I was having a baby?
I looked over at Jackson. “Was I at the hospital?”
He stood up abruptly and walked over to put his big, warm, hand on my forehead. “You don’t remember?”
It wasn’t a dream. I had visited the emergency room. I peed in a cup. And the woman doctor had told me that I was pregnant.
“I do remember. I'm just fuzzy on the details.”
He sat on the edge of the bed and looked at me. “You were in shock.”
I swallowed hard and stared at this huge man. A part of him was growing inside of me in the version of a tiny baby. I felt my heart start to pound. A cold wave washed over my skin, and I felt a bit light-headed.
I dropped my face into my hands and struggled not to blurt out my news. His warm hand wrapped around the back of my neck. I was in love with Jackson. He didn’t want children. And I was engaged to Matt who was lying in the hospital recovering from a brain injury. My wedding, which I had yet to cancel, charged towards me at an alarming rate. Jackson would leave in a few short weeks. And I was pregnant with the wrong man’s child.
“I feel sick,” I said, my voice muffled .
“Emily, we need to feed you. Your blood sugar levels are probably really low.”
“It’s not that,” I said from beneath my hands.
“What is it?”
I shook my head.
He got off the bed, and then he sorted through my dresser drawers. He returned with a big sweater and a pair of soft yoga pants. I stood up, and under his watchful eye, I pulled them on.
“You go on down,” I said. “I'll be just a minute.”
“You sure?”
I nodded. Not only did I need to pee, but I needed to gain control over the wild words that threatened to blurt out of my mouth.
I looked in the mirror of the bathroom. In the light, my bruises were more pronounced than they had been at the hospital. Especially the ones around my neck.
My eyes looked wide and a bit wild. I was pregnant. A baby was growing inside of me. Jackson’s baby. I put my face in a towel and muffled a scream. I wanted a family, but not like this. I didn't want to trap the love of my life into something that he didn’t want. Every single time I had asked Jackson about kids he had been resolute that he did not want them.
I tried to imagine his reaction if I walked downstairs and told him what the doctor had told me. I had a terrible vision of him turning around and walking out of the loft. I would be left here alone. By myself.
My nostrils flared in fear. I feared to be alone right now. I needed to keep my mouth shut. At least a little bit longer. At least until tomorrow. Tonight Jackson would be here for me. I needed him. I needed his safe presence. I would still be pregnant tomorrow. I would tell him then. Surely one day wouldn’t make a difference.
He started to cook an omelet. I slid onto one of the stools around the island and watched him. His jeans were dry. I remembered him standing behind me in the shower with his jeans.
“Did you use the dryer?”
He looked over his shoulder at me, an amused expression on his face. “Is that okay?”
My head bobbed. “Totally okay.”
He chopped up a salad and then drizzled my favorite dressing on it before sliding it in front of me with a fork.
“Aren’t you eating?”
“Already ate.”
My appetite was ravenous. I couldn’t get that salad into my mouth fast enough. He put the omelet in front of me and then sat across from me.
“Have you been eating enough?” he watched me eat.
“Yeah, why?”
“You look like you’ve lost some weight.”
“It’s been busy.”
He looked around. “Where is Irene staying?”
I swallowed. “She’s checked into the hotel across from the hospital. She was finding the commute back and forth too strenuous.”
I didn’t mention that since she had turned her back on Jackson, our relationship had been on the frosty side.
His big arms crossed over his hard chest. He nodded. “What else?”
I glanced up at him. “What do you mean?”
“Is everything okay with you and Matt?”
My eyes dropped to my plate. “I needed some space.”
“Your phone has been dinging all day.”
I breathed in hard through my nostrils. “We had a fight, and I was avoiding him and Irene. And then today happened.”
“You should text him and let him know you are okay. ”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
I didn’t want to think about Matt or Irene. Those two people had consumed every moment of my life for weeks. They had taken over my small world. I just needed a break from them both.
A yawn overtook me.
He stood up and held out his hand. “Time to go back to bed.”
I let him lead me back upstairs. “I don’t know why I'm still tired.”
He watched as I pulled off some clothes and then climbed back into bed. I stared up at him. My heart ached so much. He looked down at me. I was afraid that he would leave.
“Can you lie down with me?” my voice sounded small.
For one long moment, I thought he would refuse. Then he grabbed his t-shirt and pulled it over his head. “Move over.”
I scooted over, and I watched as he kicked off his jeans. Then he climbed into bed beside me.
“Roll over,” his voice was low.
I curled up on my side, my back to him. A giant arm snaked around my waist, and then he tugged me back against him, so my back was flush against his warm torso. He curved his huge body against mine, so I was lying in a warm Jackson cocoon.
I sighed and snuggled my head into the pillow. He pushed my hair away from my neck and then I felt his hot breath against my skin.
“Did you lock the door?” I mumbled.
“You’re safe. You can sleep.”
And with those words in my ears, I drifted into a dark, peaceful abyss.