Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
LEDGER
I wake up with full arms and a fuller heart, deliciously warm and relaxed, with silky tresses tangled in my fingers. Slow breathing fills my ears, warming the spot over my heart as I realize that Luna and I fell asleep together on the couch. And at some point, somehow, despite the distance I put between us, the lovely watercolorist snuggled into me.
In sleepy response, I must’ve wrapped my arms around her because now I hold her tightly to my chest, feeling the boom of my pulse reverberating against her soft, curvy frame, her head cradled against my chest. Nothing has ever felt more right or torn me more thoroughly apart.
My mind panics, racing for the best way to extricate myself from this situation. I imagine her waking up gently, her eyes narrowing as her body stirs with uncoordinated motions before she gets a long look at my face, shattering the peace of the early morning living room with a frightened gasp or scream. The vision makes my heart sputter and wobble.
Do I really think she’ll do this after last night? I don’t know. But it’s the narrative that makes letting her go the easiest. And I know I must let her go. Because even if she thinks she can be okay with my appearance, even if she’s extra brave or self- sacrificing or some kind of a wounded warrior groupie, she hasn’t felt the full force and sting of my situation yet.
Luna hasn’t had to go out in public, registering the disgusted looks on people’s faces as they assess me, their faces shrouded in curiosity and terror. She hasn’t seen the pitying glances sure to come her way or heard the incredulity in people’s voices when they realize we’re together. I could never put her through that kind of nightmare. It’s why I called off my engagement after the accident. One look at my fiancée’s face after the big reveal, and I knew it was over. Breaking it off quickly was the least mercy I could bestow on her.
My mind twirls and turns, twists and tortures me as my body does something curious. It goes into full revolt, refusing to let go of the beauty in my arms. Despite the alarms going off in my brain, every muscle in my body, every nerve fiber, every cell clings fiercely to her and this moment. I savor this stolen intimacy with all five senses, straining to remember it with perfect clarity for a lifetime.
Ignoring the downward spiral of my tangled thoughts, I close my eyes and clutch her desperately, trying to commit this experience to memory forever. The faint smell of her lavender and rose fragrance, the electricity of her touch, even in sleep. The intense sense of comfort and security she instills, something I didn’t know I needed but thirst for to the depths of my soul.
I want Luna Solace. I yearn for her more than any woman I’ve ever known. And I long for the impossible future she represents and the way her love could piece me back together. Make me a whole man again, at least below the surface. This desire goes beyond reason and logic. It makes no sense. It just aches and thirsts and demands…to the very roots of my soul. How will I ever satisfy the intensity of this hunger, strong enough to break what’s left of me in bits like a ship against coastal rocks?
The cold lump in the center of my chest warms and expands, and my heart beats back to life, thrilling and terrifying me. My throat tightens, a knot forming, and the backs of my eyes sting. Hot, wet trails follow, covering my cheeks, and I pray to God she doesn’t wake up and see me like this…so utterly vulnerable. But I can’t free the arms holding her to wipe away the tears without ruining this moment. And I refuse to do that, savoring every sensation as though it were my last.
I don’t know how much time passes, but my senses slowly return to me. Outside the shell of warmth beneath the blankets on the couch, the air feels inordinately frosty. My eyes scan the room carefully, noting the lifeless DVD player and other electronic device interfaces. The storm must’ve knocked out power.
No wonder Luna cuddled with me. My damp, exposed cheeks provide all the evidence I need. It’s freezing in here. But why hasn’t the generator gone on? I blink hard several times, straining my ears for its telltale growl. Nope. Nothing.
“What’s wrong?” A sweet, feminine voice croons from the crook of my arms. I stiffen, uncertain how to respond.
A petal-soft hand strokes my cheek, palming my face as her thumb runs back and forth over my beard, making scratchy noises. The most delectable sparks shoot from her fingertips down my neck into the juncture of my heart. The tenderness of her caress and the softness of her words shock and overwhelm me.
Out of all the responses she could have for me this morning, I never allowed myself to contemplate this one. Despite my self-loathing and fear of having others see, touch, or judge my scars, I remain riveted to the couch, swallowing hard as her tiny fingers knit little pieces of me back together with each caress.
“Good morning, Angel,” I say warmly, the corners of my mouth turning up despite myself.
She beams at me in response, flooding me with addictive waves of love. “Angel?”
“Yeah.” I grin, looking up at the ceiling bashfully before directing the full warmth of my searing gaze on her. Luna’s cheeks darken, her nostrils flair, and her eyes dilate, making breathing impossible. I confess, “That’s technically my first nickname for you. Which means I get two more…”
She nods, smiling back at me.
Still drowsy enough to speak without a filter, I say, “You know, you shouldn’t be allowed to wake up this beautiful. It’s pretty much criminal.”
“And you shouldn’t be such a good liar before daybreak,” she replies, running the backs of her fingers over my beard, leaving trails of fire and longing everywhere they fall.
I swallow loudly, fighting the renewed sting at the back of my eyes as I say in a raw voice, “I’m not lying. You’re so stunning it hurts me to look at you.” Usually, I’d wince if a cheesy line like that crossed my lips. But the tremble of my voice communicates my sincerity.
Her cheeks glow as her tear-filled eyes drink me in, the tension in the room so dense I gasp for relief.
I need a change of subject. “Did you sleep, okay?” I manage, desperate to get a hold of myself.
“I don’t think I’ve ever slept so well on a shared couch.” She stirs, stretching in my arms, and disappointment fills me. I’m not ready to let go of her, though I know I should. Yet, to my surprise, she snuggles closer, bringing her hand from my face to my chest.
“I hope I didn’t wake you in the middle of the night screaming or talking or anything like that?”
She shakes her head. “No. I think we both slept like babies.” Suddenly, guilt floods her face, and she sits up stiffly. “Do you know what time it is? Do you think Naomi’s out of surgery yet?”
“I don’t know,” I say reluctantly, letting go of her and sitting up straighter. I stretch the muscles in my shoulders and neck the best I can without actually relinquishing my place next to this sleeping beauty. Her warmth and tenderness feel like lifelines to me. “The power went off at some point in the night, and the generator didn’t turn on. I don’t know why.”
Luna lets the blankets sag, continuing to move around, and the interior air’s uncustomary chill needles me to get up and get busy. If I don’t sort things out quickly with the generator, I could end up with frozen pipes and later house flooding.
In the morning’s darkness, however, the spell she’s woven around me is palpable, inescapable. I need more of her. I bring my hand to Luna’s cheek, pushing a stray hair off her face. “I want to remember you like this forever. Is that a creepy thing to admit? Be honest.”
She bites her lower lip, her cheeks flushing as her eyes drop to my mouth. “It’s not creepy at all.” A bittersweet smile captures her soft, kissable lips as she draws closer, covering the gulf between us before I can pull away. Her lips feather over mine, catching me so off guard I freeze. I need to stop her…to back away. But with every throb of my heart, I lose another sliver of reason to her magnetic pull.
Her arms circle my neck, declaring her desire, and I can’t deny her. Surrendering to the taste of this alluring woman, I lean in, letting my lips confess my craving. God help me. Luna presses against me, covering my warm, tentative lips with her passionate ones and wresting a needy moan from deep within my chest. Heat floods my core, and my heart smashes around wildly.
I pull back, dangling painfully from the tatters of my shattered willpower, bringing my forehead to rest against hers. I press my eyes shut, confessing breathlessly, “The thought of leaving you right now feels impossible, Angel. But I’ve got to figure out what’s going on with the generator, and I’ve got to check in on some of my elderly neighbors. And we need to figure out what time it is and get you on the phone with Naomi or the hospital for an update.”
I brush my lips over her forehead, and she gives me a disappointed little nod. Before I can stop her, she grabs my cheek again, pulling me towards her for another kiss.
My beautiful little guest doesn’t realize the fire she’s playing with as a deep warning growl resonates from my chest. My hands glide from her hair down the smooth skin of her neck.
They rest on her delicate shoulders, my thumbs possessively stroking her smooth throat until I draw a whimper from her. Roving over her shoulders, down the contour of her shapely back, they settle at her waist. I cinch her against me, desire knotting thickly in my throat as my thirst for her swallows me whole, deluging me in sensual waves of longing.
I yearn to feel every inch of her pinned against every inch of me, desperate for her touch. A visceral part of me wants to greedily gobble her up, refusing to let her leave me. And I get the strong impression she might be okay with that. But would it be the right thing to do?
I pull back, gasping for air and resting my face in the crook of her neck. My whole body tightens around her as I fight for self-control, letting out a frustrated sigh. Feeling a new fire born at the back of my neck, where her fingers slide through my hair, longing simmers near the boiling point.
“I can’t do this,” I hiss against her décolletage, pressing my lips against the delicate sweep of her collarbone. Her hands slip beneath my shirt, spreading sizzling flames as she massages and caresses my back. My tongue swipes over her skin, tasting her shoulders. To my satisfaction, she trembles and sighs, urging me on.
Yet, somewhere through the heady haze, a strand of reason lingers, pulled taut like a piano string, sounding in the morning stillness. Drawing back from her neck, I whisper against the shell of her ear, my voice shivering with restraint. “I can’t. Please. We have to stop.”
“Why?” She exhales sharply.
Desire twists into anger. It’s the only way I can do what I know I must…
What does she want from me? Why is Luna doing this?
“We both know you deserve better.” I gasp, searching for words, trying to find a way to stop this before it gets any more out of control. I know myself, and I’ll never be able to part with her if things progress any further. “Is this a pity thing?” I accuse, pulling back as the sting of my words smacks into her.
“A pity thing?” Her voice trembles, and her brows furrow.
“Yeah, a pity thing. I think it’s a fair enough question. I mean, look at me! How could you possibly be attracted to this?” I gesticulate wildly toward my face, channeling every ounce of pent-up love and lust into a volatile explosion of searing anger. Surrendering to fury instead of the tears that threaten to cover my cheeks.
Luna sits back, her eyes rounding and filling with shock. She puts a hand over her mouth as more tears fill her eyes, and I feel like the biggest jerk to ever live. It’s more proof that she can do better, that she has to do better than me because I’m no good for her.
Bursting to my feet, I pace back and forth, the ferocious injustice of my life gripping me. God, why do this to me? And then put this amazing, beautiful, caring angel in my path? What kind of sick joke is this?
“I have to go,” I growl, striding into the kitchen to grab my satellite phone. I toss it gently on the couch next to Luna because I can’t risk getting too close to her again. She’s an impulse I can’t control.
Tears slide down her cheeks, her visage pale and stunned. My arms ache to hold her and comfort, but I’m the reason for her pain. My heart drops into my stomach. Nice job, Ledger .
Running my hand through my hair, I say, “I’ll be back later.” Stomping towards the coat rack, I stop short, staring at the dead hearth. “Let me build the fire back up for you first.”
I don’t leave until flames glow bright, warm, and mesmerizing. My eyes flicker to Luna, jealous of how the golden firelight licks over the parts of her my hands and lips caressed less than an hour ago. Swallowing hard, I head for the door. I can’t let whatever this is between us go on any further.