My Starry Valentine

Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

LUNA

I don’t know how long I stare shellshocked at the fire once Ledger leaves. But it’s a relief to get away from the frantic swirl of his emotions because they mirror my own tangled feelings.

He’s a deeply wounded and traumatized man, and I knew this from nearly the moment I met him. The way he repeatedly turned to the side, hiding half of himself from me. How he simultaneously welcomed me into his cabin while pulling back at every turn.

My mind flies in reverse through time, indulging in the delicious feeling of his fingers in my hair, the tenderness flooding his eyes, the softness and warmth of his skilled lips moving over mine. His nickname for me…

He tried as hard as he could…until he couldn’t try anymore. I shouldn’t have pushed him, but I couldn’t help myself. Because I want him in a way I’ve never wanted any man. And the urgency of knowing I have to leave only compounds my impatience.

Waking up in his arms, wrapped in his masculine strength and warmth, smelling his musky, foresty scent and staring into his clear blue eyes cemented it for me. Everything feels so right when we’re together…for those brief moments when Ledger’s walls come down.

I can’t leave without him knowing how I feel. But how do I communicate a reality he seems determined to deny?

Suddenly, light floods the cabin, and I hear the heater come on, indicating the return of electricity. I putter around, turning off unnecessary lights and adding wood to the fire, staring long and hard at the cowboy-mountain-man’s pre-injury photos. Heading into the guest bedroom, I retrieve my portable watercolor kit, knowing what I have to do.

Carefully, I remove the memory box from the wall, setting it next to me at the kitchen table while I work, starting with pencils and then filling in with vibrant shades of black, brown, and various hues of tan and a little cobalt blue.

By the time I hear him trudge up the porch stairs, darkness shrouds the cabin windows, and I’ve drawn the curtains. Numerous logs have gone onto the fire, the memory box is back on the wall, and I’ve snacked on cold pizza and sipped on green tea I found in one of his kitchen cabinets. My watercolor kit is packed in my backpack once more, and I’ve laundered my clothes and showered in preparation for tomorrow and the potential break in the weather…

The break that may see me to Montrose…and away from Ledger forever. My heart aches at the thought, but I can’t make him pursue what he doesn’t think he deserves, no matter what I say or how hard I try.

The cowboy looks across the room at me with palpable longing, fueling the fire incinerating me. But I remind myself there’s a world of difference between emotions and actions. He clears his throat, his face tight, and his voice restrained. “What’s the latest on Naomi?”

“I’ve talked with her parents on and off throughout the day, and this evening, I spoke to Naomi, too, which is a huge relief. She sounded groggy, a side-effect of the anesthesia and heavy-duty pain medications she’s on, and her parents say she now has at least eight screws in her ankle and two plates to stabilize a broken tibia, fractured fibula, and dislocated ankle.”

Ledger winces. He removes his coat, hangs it on the rack, and bends down to remove his snow boots. “We need to get you to her.”

“Yes.”

He lets out a long exhale as he turns his back towards me. “The weather broke about an hour ago, and the forecast is clear through tomorrow night. So, I’ll get up at dawn and clear the driveway with the tractor. Then, we’ll see about getting your car out of the ditch and if it’s drivable. Either way, I’ll get you to Montrose.”

“Thank you.”

He continues to stand with his back to me, saying nothing.

Swallowing hard, I finally pierce the silence. “How was everything outside?”

He turns, his shoulders hunched and his head angled down so that his hair drapes around his face again. “The cattle, hens, and goats were all good. The barn’s toasty warm and dry. And Mrs. Campbell is okay. Two winters back, I found her after she broke her hip and had to call the ambulance and clear a pathway for them to reach her place. So, I worry about her the most.”

“I’m glad she’s okay. How many cows do you have?” I ask as he passes by me. The inconsequential question does the trick, making him stop and look at me again. He lets out another lengthy sigh, his blue eyes guarded. “Fifty head thereabouts.”

“So, you really are a cowboy?”

His face remains impassive. “Yes, ma’am.”

Ma’am. After this morning, is that really where we’re at? Ma’am? No word has ever pierced me so thoroughly, but I remind myself where impatience got me this morning.

He says stiffly, “Look, I need a shower. After that, are you good with more pizza and beer?”

I nod, fighting hard against the tears welling in the backs of my eyes.

“Good. And then, I’d like to show you something before you leave me.”

Before I leave him? More like before he pushes me away… I open my mouth to speak, but the large, muscular man’s already halfway down the hallway, disappearing with a couple more strides.

An hour later, we eat reheated pizza and drink our beers silently. The suffocating quiet accompanies us as we clean up the kitchen, and the sounds of dishes, silverware, and rinsing water fragment the thick tension as we load the washer. Curiously, he brews a pot of coffee before filling a thermos and topping it off with cream. I stare raptly at this process, confused by what’s next when he muddies the waters even more. “You ready to see my first love?”

I raise my eyebrows, confused by his question. “Okay.”

Ledger heads down the hallway towards his bedroom door, and my pulse pounds. I follow him into the neat room with its California king awash in fluffy white duvets and plaid blankets. He motions me towards a funny little door that looks like it’s for a closet, opening it and inviting me to pass through. Behind me, he grabs a couple of blankets, still clutching the thermos, and explains, “We’re headed back outside, so you’ll want to stay bundled up for this.”

He opens the door, and a wooden staircase greets us, wrapping around a tower reminiscent of climbing a lighthouse. At the top, he flips some switches, and red lights lining the floor and the walls illuminate revealing a modest-sized room. The lights provide enough light to keep from stumbling without needing my eyes to adjust from darkness to light.

Overhead, a dome looms. He presses a few buttons, and it slides open, causing a strangled hiss to leave my throat as I greedily devour panoramic views of the night sky. The Milky Way glitters and glows, brightly and more stunning than I’ve ever seen it, the astronomical bodies in the sky more numerous than the grains of sand on a beach.

As my eyes adjust, I make out a massive telescope in the center of the room and an adjoining space that resembles a study. Bookshelves line the walls, and a large desk half covered in charts houses a computer tower with two massive monitors.

“What do you think?”

“It’s amazing!” I reply breathlessly, aware of the total inadequacy of my words. Tears fill my eyes as I try to absorb the thousands upon thousands of objects glowing in the night sky, all too easily forgotten in the haze, fog, and light pollution of a Bay Area night. “This reminds me of Great Basin National Park,” I say, wrapping my arms around myself as I look up, drinking in the cosmic views. The chill of the night air hits me, raising goosebumps on my flesh.

Ledger comes up behind me with a blanket, wrapping it around my shoulders and pulling me into his arms. “I’m sorry.” His voice sounds raw, and he nestles his face against the hair at the nape of my neck, breathing hard.

I lean back into his warmth and strength as he pulls the hair back from my neck, showering me in tiny, tender kisses. My heart beats so loudly I’m certain he can hear it.

“I would give anything to be the man you need, Angel. But I can’t…” His voice breaks at the end, and the kisses transform into hot tears as his chest shakes slightly behind me.

My bottom lip trembles, and my face scrunches as I try to hold it together. Hanging onto his hands and sniffling, I work hard to steel my voice, pausing for a long time before I manage, “I don’t agree.”

“You don’t have to for me to be right.”

“But you aren’t right…”

“I don’t want to argue with you,” Ledger replies gruffly.

“And I don’t want to argue with you…” I bring my hand up to his cheek, stroking his moist beard gently. The finality of my upcoming departure grips me, and I mourn the loss of what will never be.

I never got to cut his hair or see him ice-climbing. We never finished watching Sleepless in Seattle together. And I have yet to figure out why the universe knit us so tightly together…only for it to end this way.

Darkness closes in cold and oppressive around us as my eyes focus on the distant twinkling stars, piercing centuries of void with sheer, white light. “Have you ever been to Great Basin?” I whisper.

“No.”

“It has stunning night skies. It’s one of my favorite national parks for nighttime viewing.”

“Is it? I’ll have to check it out.” He whispers the words as his lips graze over my collarbone again, and his fingers thread into my hair, caressing my tresses. I close my eyes, reveling in his sensual touch.

“I love it. I spent last spring living and working in Baker, and I’m trying for an artist-in-residency post there this coming summer.”

“That’s an impressive goal, Luna.”

“Well, we’ll see what happens…”

Pressing his lips against the shell of my ear, he says quietly, “I may not know you that well yet, but I do know you’re the kind of woman who gets what she puts her mind to. So, I’d wager Great Basin is on your horizon for summer.”

“Would you meet me there?”

“We’ll see.” He shrugs. “National parks are tough for me, you know. Lots of people…”

I nod, trying to ignore my sinking heart. Silence engulfs us again as Ledger’s reality finally hits me. Outside of a trusted handful of people in Ouray, he really is hiding from life.

“So, why is this your first love?” I ask, turning my head slightly to snuggle against his face, feeling the smoothness of his wounded cheek against mine. I stiffen, wondering if this is a miscalculation. Closing my eyes tightly, I wait for his anger to hit me. Instead, he holds me patiently, letting me touch his most vulnerable side. Despite the innocence of the interaction, I have never experienced greater intimacy as he gives me access to the parts of himself he hides from the entire world.

Ledger’s deep voice breaks the silence. “My grandpa used to bring me up here to his little makeshift observatory to scope out the stars and record what we saw. It looked a lot different back then because I’ve done a lot of upgrades. But he introduced me to chasing comets, observing planets, and dreaming of bigger and better ways to map out and learn about our galaxy. Which is where this thing comes in handy,” he says, nodding towards the telescope in the middle of the room. “I’m an astronomical observer, and I teach remote classes at the University of Boulder in astronomy. I’ve also spent the last couple of years working with some postdoctoral students on a new computer model to generate the most accurate maps of our galaxy to date. In the process, I’ve identified and named a handful of stars and comets.”

“You do all of this?” I ask, arching my eyebrows. Suddenly, I feel small and intimidated. After all, I’m just a hairdresser with art ambitions on the side.

“Yes, I was an astronomy major before I was a Marine. Are you ready to do some nighttime observing with me, Snoop?”

“I would love to,” I reply quietly. His arms loosen around me, and I rue the loneliness that engulfs me. But I also welcome the change of pace, no longer wanting to focus on the bittersweetness of our coming goodbye.