Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
LEDGER
L una and I spend the night exploring the show in the heavens. The clearness of the bone-cold darkness makes scoping out the sky’s most impressive constellations, planets, and stars possible. By the time she grows drowsy and her breathing soft and relaxed under the heap of blankets on the observatory floor, I can barely keep my eyes open. Closing the dome is the last thing I remember.
A few hours later, I awaken with a start to vibrating in my pocket. I lie on the floor next to my sleeping guest, my arms wrapped tightly around her. My left arm is numb, pinned beneath her sleeping body, and it takes me a moment to retrieve my phone, realizing the vibration comes from the alarm I set.
That’s right. I have a pre-dawn date with the tractor. Talk about lousy planning, especially when I could stay here, warm and snuggled against my dream girl.
Hitting the snooze button for fifteen more minutes, I snuggle back into my drowsy companion, desperate to remember the feel of her soft body forever. I don’t know how I’ll let her go. Or try to live without her.
Inner turmoil guts me as a thousand selfish possibilities play out in my mind, alluring and compelling but wrong. Completely wrong. Luna deserves better, and I will be the man to give it to her, my last and greatest display of selfless love. One I fear she’ll never understand, which breeds a bittersweet anguish.
All too soon, the phone vibrates again. This time, I fall back on my military discipline and training, stirring gently so that the woman in my arms can sleep while I work.
Kissing her cheek, I stare at her long and hard, whispering, “I love you, Luna Solace, and I always will.”
The frigid air of the darkened morning revitalizes me, fortifying my determination to do the right thing by the stunning woman nestled upstairs in the observatory. She deserves the best of everything this world has to offer. And that includes a man she doesn’t have to feel ashamed of the world knowing about or seeing.
I may be cursed infinitely to this half-life existence, but she doesn’t have to be. And no matter how sweet, loving, or self-sacrificing her natural tendencies are, I can’t let her ruin her life with me.
After clearing my driveway and feeding her breakfast, I load Luna’s belongings into my Jeep. Slowly, we make our way to where she left her vehicle. It takes about fifteen minutes to locate, thanks to deep snow, but once I do, I use the winch on the front of my Jeep to pull her car from the ditch.
After examining it carefully for damage and drivability, I say, “Fortunately, you got off lucky without any damage.” She nods, looking down at her feet. “And the weather’s cleared enough to get you to Montrose before the next storm this evening.”
She continues looking down, her shoulders hunched. Every part of my being longs to draw her into my arms and hold her, declare my feelings for her and greedily claim her as my own. But I love her too much to resign her to my fate.
“Have you ever felt like meeting someone changed the whole trajectory of your life?” she whispers almost inaudibly.
My chest aches at her words, and I nod, looking away, too dangerously close to tears to answer because I refuse to change her whole life. No matter what. She’s too young, beautiful, and talented to let me monopolize her future.
Clearing my throat and swallowing hard, I grumble, “Let me get your snow chains on before you run out of time.”
She looks away with a sharp sigh, walking back toward my Jeep and getting inside. I have it running with the air blowing expressly for this purpose.
I install chains I find in the trunk of her vehicle, forcing myself to remain resolute. But every move I make feels distant, out-of-body, and surreal. A voice in my head chides me for my stupidity, warning me about the floods of regret to come. I don’t know another way to make her happy, and I need her to be happy more than I need to breathe. Not just for today but for the rest of her life.
I pack her vehicle, urging her to stay warm in the Jeep, putting extra pizza, snacks, and drinks for the road in the passenger seat where she can easily reach them. I also place a small box of Valentine’s Sweethearts candies with saccharine messages near the food stash. Chuck gave then to me after ice climbing as a gag gift. I never thought I’d find a recipient for them, let alone use them to inadequately express my deep need for the woman I’m letting go. Then, I order her to follow the Jeep down to Ouray and the road out of town, which traffic reports confirm is clear.
We stop in the parking lot of the Visitor’s Center by the hot springs, and I realize I can no longer put off the inevitable. My heart feels ripped from my chest as I look at her now, trying to put all I feel for her into my gaze.
“Thank you for saving me from freezing to death in a blizzard,” the brunette beauty says, her mahogany eyes welling with tears even as she works hard to smile.
I step forward, palming her warm, pink cheeks tenderly. “Actually, you’re the one who saved me. Don’t ever forget it.” Tears spill over her lower eyelashes, and I wish everything about this situation were different.
She swallows hard. “Can I call or text you sometime? I don’t even have your satellite phone…although Naomi does.”
I shake my head, dropping my hand from her cheek and looking down. “It’s better to leave things the way they are. But I wish you and Naomi the best.”
She frowns, looking away. “Why do you have to be this way?”
“What way?”
“So stubborn…”
“What do you mean?”
She ventures, still looking away, “I’m waiting for you to say what people always say during goodbyes. Whether or not they mean it.”
“And what’s that?” I ask, rubbing the place over my heart.
“If you’re ever in Ouray, look me up…”
I grimace, trying not to make this any more painful than it needs to be. Luna has to move on without any delusions about a guy like me. I erased Naomi’s number from my satellite phone this morning for this very reason. Once the loneliness sets back in, I’m afraid I’ll be too tempted to reach out to her again, keeping her from moving on. I have to be firm and unyielding about this. Still, I can’t deny the beauty before me, so I say begrudgingly, “That goes without saying.”
“Alright then. Hey, maybe I’ll see you in Great Basin National Park this summer?” She turns to face me again, her cheeks moist and her eyes red.
“You never know.” I nod. I can’t help myself as I lean down one more time, grabbing the flaps of her coat’s collar and drawing her towards me for a kiss. My lips linger over hers for a long time, savoring her sweet taste and tender warmth. I sweep into her mouth with my tongue, claiming her with some of the pent-up passion driving me insane, and her body melts against me.
An approaching snowmobile motor pulls me back to reality, and I step back breathlessly. Anger flashes inside me at the poor timing.
“Ledger, is that you?” A man yells, and I instantly recognize Chuck’s voice. I managed to catch him heading from town back to his place a couple of blocks down the road. Talk about poor timing.
“Yep, it’s me, Chuck,” I shrug, feeling as busted as a teen in a parked car. He’ll be blowing up my cell phone before I know it, looking for an explanation for what he witnessed. But I barely care, waving him off as I relish my final moments with Luna.
Luna raises a questioning eyebrow.
I explain, “That’s my ice-climbing buddy and best friend, Chuck.” Palming her flushed cheek and taking one last look, I try to commit everything about her to memory. “Drive carefully, Snoop. The roads are going to be icy.”
Her eyes beg me for things I can’t give her. I have to go. Without hesitation, I turn away, striding to my Jeep, jumping inside, and driving away. I don’t look in the rearview mirror because I’m at the end of my willpower’s tether, already contemplating going back to claim her.
On the drive home, the isolation of my former life barely has a chance to crash back down around me before my cell phone starts vibrating. Chuck. I ignore the first two calls, but by the third one, I know I have to say something if I’m ever going to get the guy off my back. I reluctantly pick up. “Yep.”
“Sorry to rudely interrupt you and your lady friend,” he apologizes with thinly veiled curiosity in his voice.
“It’s fine. We were saying goodbye.”
Silence.
Finally, Chuck asks, “Umm…are you going to fill me in on what’s going on? And who Ms. Gorgeous is?”
Even though Chuck’s my closest friend and a happily married man, jealousy tackles me. “And why would I do that?”
“Because it’s customary for friends to confide in one another, and as I remember, I’ve told you more than you probably have ever wanted to know about my personal life.”
I nod, though my friend can’t see me.
What greater harm can any of this do? It’s not like I’m ever going to see Luna again. But she’ll always be an integral part of my life experience and one I still have to process. So, I do something unthinkable. Maybe all the years of therapy have finally gotten to me. I put my cell phone on my Jeep’s Bluetooth device so I can drive and talk hands-free, confessing everything.
I’m still on the phone by the time I reach my driveway.
Chuck’s voice sounds exasperated as he asks, “So, you’re telling me you finally found a woman you’re interested in, and she’s obviously into you, and you didn’t even get her number? What the heck, Ledger.”
“It’s for the best,” I grumble, entering my cabin and looking around the sad, quiet space. Every place my eyes glance, a memory of Luna greets me. I see her in the kitchen, arranging pepperoni slices on pies like a mosaic maker. Her face greets me from the fridge as she kneels, looking for a cold one. Both of us lie wrapped beneath the blankets on the couch, falling in love with each other in the still of the early morning.
“You’re an idiot,” he says flatly.
“I’m an idiot, I’m ugly, and I’m lonely. What’s new?”
“Seriously, Ledger. God delivered you something precious and special…something to cherish, and you rejected it? What’s your problem, man?”
“It would’ve never worked out,” I growl, feeling far worse than Chuck could ever make me, already drowning to the depths of my soul in regret. “It was the only decent thing to do if I really claim to love her.”
“So you say…”
I sigh, my eyes falling to a white folded sheet of paper on the kitchen counter. My throat knots as I walk over, retrieving and opening it. I stare at a watercolor portrait of me, one half of my face shrouded in darkness and hair, but the likeness startlingly accurate. Turning it over, I read the words scrolled on the back in pencil: “A man worthy of love…”
I swallow loudly, my chest constricting.
“Ledger, are you still there?” Chuck hollers.
“Yeah, I am. Hold on a sec.” After taking a couple of deep breaths to pull myself together, I explain to Chuck what I hold in my hand, feeling like the biggest fool to inhabit the planet. “What does this even mean? I know the conversations we’ve had about God over the years. Why is He doing this to me? It was hard enough to go through all the pain and horror of acclimating to this future. Why rub salt in the wound?”
“Everyone deserves love.”
“Not me. Not with the hand I’ve been dealt. It’s curse enough for me. I can’t put this on someone else, too.” Guilt seizes me in its steel grip. Guilt for surviving when my comrades died. Guilt for wasting the second chance I’ve been given because of self-pity. Guilt for wanting things I can’t have, even at the expense of others…because my having Luna would come at the expense of her future.
“I think you’re being a stubborn idiot right now. Especially over stuff that’s ultimately so superficial. But here’s the advice I’d give to anyone who felt unloveable. Don’t let her go. Figure out how to deserve her.”
“Easier said than done…”
He’s quiet for a long moment. “As long as you stay mired in self-pity and self-loathing, I agree with you.”
Silence.
“You’re a former Marine and Pacific Coast surfer. You ice and rock climb. You horseback ride for weeks at a time in the backcountry on cattle drives and jump out of planes for fun. None of these activities leave room for giving up or giving in. You’ve got to bring that same energy to this situation.”
“It’s not the same thing. I can’t become her burden…”
“So, you’ll curse her to be as miserable as you are? From what you’ve told me, she digs you just as hard. And she put herself out there for you even more, if I understand everything you told me correctly. By making this decision for the both of you, without consulting her, you’re denying her love and a future, too.”
I sigh, thoughts of the past couple of days pressing in on me, making me miserably lonely without her. My mind spirals, and I can’t find the right words to articulate my feelings.
“Are you still there, Ledger?” Chuck asks.
“Yeah,” I say tensely.
Silence.
I have to hand it to Chuck for his patience with me over the years, and his forbearance now as I process everything that happened this morning.
Eventually, I ask, “What the heck have I done? I can’t believe I let her go like that…without even getting her phone number. What was I thinking?”
“I don’t pretend to know what you’re thinking right now, Ledger. Maybe you could try calling the hospital in Montrose to see if they’d relay a message to her through Naomi?”
“I don’t even know Naomi’s last name,” I sigh. “Or when she’s discharging. Now that her parents are there, and she’s had surgery, I can’t imagine they’ll keep her much longer.”
“Luna must’ve told you where she lives or given you another way to track her down. You two looked pretty close when I saw you earlier.”
“No,” I groan frustrated. “What was I thinking? Naomi has my satellite phone number, but I erased hers. And I told Luna not to call or text me.”
“Wow, you really were going for finality.”
“Yes, I was. Because I thought it was the right thing to do. Maybe it is. I don’t know.” My voice fades off as I stare at the watercolor again. After another long pause, I say, “Chuck, I think I need to pray. Will you help me?”
“Of course.”
Closing my eyes, my heart fills to bursting as I say, “Lord, Dad, God, whatever it is you go by… You sent an angel my way. Like a drop-dead gorgeous, perfect angel, and I messed things up. Big time. But I know you’re all about forgiveness and humility…and if you could help me figure out how to deserve her. Well, truthfully, I’ll do anything you ask of me...” Tears streak my cheeks, and my voice goes all wonky. Chuck takes over.
But in the stillness of the moment and the desperation of my solitude, a strange peace envelopes me. Like nothing I’ve felt before. As Chuck goes over all the things church people say, filling in the many gaps and holes in my earlier plea, an overwhelming tranquility settles on me, reassuring me that everything will somehow work out.