Chapter 2
CHAPTER 2
Felix
“Still up for this?”
Felix cut a look toward his old friend, wondering how he’d ended up here. Sure, taking the paid time off that his boss basically threw at him was one thing, but actually dealing with his problems was another.
Gabriel had come up with the plan to go to Rawhide Ranch. At first Felix had been against it, adamant that going to a place like that wouldn’t fix how he felt about Misha. There was nothing wrong with his feelings, except that Misha wanted more than he’d given thus far, and she deserved his attention instead of being sidelined for a job. He wasn’t ready to leave the position he’d always known, and back when they’d been nothing serious, Misha had understood that.
Getting time off from his employer wasn’t a big deal if he gave enough notice. Felix worked for Laurent Rochford, a self-made billionaire extraordinaire who built his investment firm empire ages ago and hired his best friend Felix to play bodyguard. This worked out in Felix’s favor back then, when all the two bachelors wanted to do was travel around the world and build on Laurent’s empire. Being his personal bodyguard meant Felix went everywhere Laurent did, and a job like that stacked his bank account so he never had anything to worry about. When Laurent happened across Penny, the daughter of one of his clients who failed to pay, things got a little twisty. While those two found their forever, Felix found a distraction in Penny’s best friend Misha. And while Misha was fun, their lives went in different directions. For a time those occasional weekends with her and stolen moments together were more than enough.
Then things had begun to change, and he wasn’t entirely sure when it had started. He’d spoken with Misha about what more between them would look like, and he knew she was hoping for something permanent from him. Still, time zones and continents apart tended to create spaces between two people that were hard to fill, and he didn’t know if he could be anything that she truly needed. She wanted to follow the career she’d majored in at college, and Felix always traveled with his boss, Laurent. That meant going all over the world, something that could be fun for both of them if Misha had no ties and could travel with them but she wanted to use her degree to create designs and work for a luxury brand. Short of deciding to create her own line, she needed to be rooted to one place.
He didn’t know if he could do that. Being nomadic was part of him now, and staying in one place for too long made him uneasy. Even his time at the Ranch was making him antsy, and he’d only been there for close to a week.
Master Derek had warned him of this when he’d arrived. He advised that any changes would take time, and that if Felix ran off too soon without seeing through his purpose for visiting in the first place, he would leave unsatisfied. And from what Felix gathered, Master Derek wanted everyone who visited to succeed and truly integrate into everything the Ranch had to offer during their stay. He met a lot of people traveling around the world in tow with Laurent, and Master Derek was something else in all the best ways. So far he was very impressed with what he’d gotten to see of Rawhide.
Gabriel nudged his arm as they sat in some of the comfortable chairs in the library, fluffy white snow falling in thick flakes just outside the window. Yesterday in town, he’d swear he thought someone was watching them when they went out to pick up something for Gabriel. Even out here, he liked to have his guard up if they happened to leave the property.
He knew it was an insane idea, but he almost thought he’d seen Misha Carmichael in the crowd. He liked to keep tabs on her, especially if he couldn’t see her for an extended time. He’d never specifically told her so, but when he couldn’t be around, he liked to make sure she was doing okay. If she was in Montana of all places, anywhere close to him, he hoped he would have had some sort of idea. He hadn’t checked in the past few days, but she couldn’t possibly have uprooted her life that much since the last time they’d spoken.
Could she?
“I’m not ready to leave,” Felix admitted, combing his fingers through his dark hair. Thinking about Misha, someone who deserved more than he gave, just reaffirmed all the reasons he needed to be exactly where he was.
Rawhide should give him new possibilities. The chance to meet a submissive who might be interested in him. Not a girl who was unobtainable because they lived different lives. Maybe he could find someone closer to his age who was more appropriate. Someone happy who could be a temporary fix for him.
All those ideas just swirled in his head and scratched his mind raw. He didn’t want to settle for something that should be standard and expected… and boring. He liked the fire in Misha, the independence she had, and that in a sea of men and bachelors, she’d chosen the guy standing in the background.
But those stolen moments existed in a fantasy, and this was reality. He glared out the window, trying to remember that the decision to keep distance between them had been his. He couldn’t be the commitment she deserved, and Misha was so young and free that she deserved the opportunity to learn for herself what she wanted.
“Do you think hiding here will help?” Gabriel went on, making his friend debate if he should just get up and leave the library altogether. “You’ve been here a week and barely participated. You hang out in the library most days.”
“I like books.”
“Then get a library card and go home,” Gabriel grumbled. “If you aren’t planning to utilize the Ranch and all its assets, you’ll never get anything out of this experience. Therapists can harp on you to make changes, but unless you actively try, there’s no point in staying here.”
Felix chewed on the inside of his cheek, hating that there was any merit to Gabriel’s words. He did stay tucked into the library like a recluse, possibly because when he traveled with Laurent, there was never any downtime like this. He needed to stay aware and alert so he could take out any threats that could endanger his boss.
Now he could relax, and his mind wouldn’t allow more than some brisk reading and a lot of brooding. With snow blanketing the outside world, it was hard to convince himself to go outside and do anything when it was cold. The weather didn’t bother him, but he wouldn’t say snow was his favorite thing. He preferred to be comfortable when the choice was his, and being inside all the time probably wasn’t the healthiest option for him right now.
They had horses, which several people had encouraged him to go visit in the stables even if he didn’t go for a ride. Why couldn’t he just go on a ride, or walk the perimeter outside until the snow chased him back in? The trip to town was supposed to have calmed his racing mind, and all it had done was unearth more pieces of an unclear puzzle.
It couldn’t be Misha…
“Maybe you should read up on how to handle a woman when she doesn’t wish to be controlled,” Gabriel said, his cryptic words making Felix turn to his friend and blow out a breath. The blond of Gabriel’s hair almost blended in with the lights situated above their two chairs, and his eyes slanted to Felix’s as he smirked. “Good luck.”
Felix huffed, shaking his head as Gabriel got up and left the space. Felix stared down at the classic book in his hands, debating if it was time to go back to his room in the guest wing and question his life. There were so many other things to do in the library, yet he kept coming back to things he knew and had read before, because those familiar things were safe in his head.
“You look good.”
His head whipped around, eyes rounding at the sound of her voice. Months couldn’t erase the memory of her sweet words and breathy moans, and he looked up to meet familiar eyes he’d thought about all throughout Europe and Canada, until need drew him back to the States and ultimately, Rawhide Ranch.
She was the only distraction he’d ever found who could make him lose track of time, place, and his sense of self. No one else overwhelmed his thoughts the way Misha did, even when she looked at him as she did now, as if she’d bitten into something sour.
Misha looked good, her split-dyed hair looking freshly done. The pink she’d had on Halloween the first time they’d met over a year ago hadn’t reappeared, and every time their paths crossed she had a different color. Her eyes were soft, sad, and if he looked deep enough, he could find the source of her sadness inside himself. He didn’t take care of her when they had time together, and he hadn’t checked on her when he’d gotten back to the US.
Her accusing gaze didn't flinch from his when their eyes met. He felt his throat bob at the realization that she was well and truly mad as she stared him down. She wouldn’t be content with sweet words and empty promises, not if she was this upset. The hurt on her face mixed with the anger made him feel more guilty than before.
How on earth had they ended up at the same resort?
“Well, I thought you’d have more words for me,” she went on, twisting her fingers together. “You know, since we don’t talk much anymore. Or at all. I guess I don’t know if you’ve messaged me today since I prefer to leave my phone in my room, but something tells me you haven’t.”
Felix stared, willing his tongue to unstick from the roof of his mouth so he could say something. If he got lost frozen in time, she would possibly end up walking away again.
Or he would. Misha was willing to fight for them while he just turned his back. Things were difficult and uncertain, and he didn’t want to do something to disappoint her. Laurent kept him on for years despite a shady past when Felix let the depression take hold. In the past he’d let his despair win out, and he’d gotten into one too many fights and had landed in jail. Thanks to a longtime friendship with Laurent his mistakes were forgiven, and he didn’t have to do time. The whole experience had amounted to little more than a slap on the wrist, and once Felix had gotten his head on straight, Laurent had invited him to travel the world as his bodyguard. He had loyalty. His boss might understand a little vacation time, but would he understand if he needed to be gone for a longer period of time?
Misha was like a light in the dark, one he almost accidentally kept snuffing out when he needed to take a breath.
Misha shifted on her feet, eyes trailing away from him the longer he did not respond. Her shoulders rose as he stood silent, making things worse as he noticed her discomfort.
Instead of saying something smooth to help calm her frayed nerves from their time apart, Felix blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “You changed your hair.”
“I do that when something changes drastically in my life,” she replied coolly, her fingers coming up to tangle in the locks. “Since I’m staying at the Ranch, I thought this was as good a time as any.”
“What brought you here?” he asked, swallowing back the nerves. He couldn’t ignore the growing issues between them, not if she was standing directly in front of him. If he didn’t manage to say something worthwhile, she would turn away again, and Felix didn’t think she would hang around and give him more chances.
Misha pursed her lips, studying him through her lashes. They claimed that patience came with age, but right now Felix couldn’t believe that. The longer she stared, the more uncomfortable he became, and he wondered what could possibly make her pause so long.
At length, she shrugged. “I needed to see what’s next for me.”
He frowned, her words not doing much to explain how they both ended up in a state miles from her home at the same time. Before he could say anything else, she dug around in her bag. Usually he didn’t see anyone who carried a bag in the main resort building, but Misha was always unique. He watched her hold something before he heard the sound of tearing, piquing his interest.
When she stood straight again, she shoved a folded paper into his hand. It looked like notebook paper, pink and had a slightly fragrant odor like it had sat beside her perfume. But she didn’t say anything, crossing her arms as her heels clicked together. “That’s for you.”
“You wrote me something?” he asked, curious. He went to open the paper and she shook her head, stilling his fingers. “What?”
“Read it when I leave,” she said, her cheeks turning pink. The sweater dress she had on clung to her body, making her look both mature and sexy. Standing in a library like that made him think of a sexy librarian, even with the cold look she shot his way.
This was different. She’d never been cold to him before. But he had more or less iced her out, so maybe she deserved to be angry.
One thing was for sure. This wouldn’t help him, or her, move on. He watched her toss her hair over one shoulder as she tried to look calm, but heat continued to burn in her cheeks. She nodded, tightening her hands to fists, and walked away stiffly without another word. He watched her retreating form before he eyed the paper.
There was no way she’d trekked out to Montana by chance and somehow ended up at the same place as him. At the same time.
He swallowed and wondered if she was yearning for him while he’d been distancing from her. He almost decided to wait and read the letter up in his room in the guest wing, but without Gabriel hogging the seat beside him, he had no one who wanted to pay extra attention to him.
As he unfolded the paper, he read the letter’s contents:
November 3,
I had the best time at Penny’s Halloween party. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said that. We’re both going to finish college soon and get on with our lives. Right now I think Penny will get the pleasure of traveling around the world with a certain silver fox.
And me? I have all my designs sketched, but the doubts my parents keep planting in my mind have me second guessing if I should even bother with applying to companies. When I was with Felix over the holiday, he encouraged me to start my own brand. The family has money so it should be fairly easy.
I can stay in school and follow the dream I’ve always had. But now there’s someone else who makes my heart beat faster and my pussy throb with need. Is it so bad to want both the man and the career? Why is it that the expectation is to sacrifice one and never have both?
On a realistic level, I’ll probably only ever have a chance at one. Felix is dreamy and devastatingly handsome, but he’s not obtainable. He travels too much, and the hot sex between us isn’t enough to convince him to put down roots here. I’m fun, but I’m not commitment-level fun.
The note ended there, and Felix had to read it twice before he acknowledged that it was probably a diary entry. But November third… the last time he’d spent time with Misha for a Halloween party had been over a year ago. This year when they’d gone with Penny to her family’s estate, Misha had been absent. So she’d just handed him a diary page from more than a year prior.
The January cold felt a little more suffocating thinking about it. He had thought about the Halloween party on occasion, but this made it sound incredibly important to Misha yet he’d had no idea. Usually when it came to women, he was decent at keeping up with them.
Misha? He never knew what to expect. And this encounter more than proved it.