Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Derek
“Sorry to drop by like this, but he hasn’t been answering his phone.” It’s been twenty-four hours, and considering I hear from Xander all day every day, I couldn’t go home after work until I’d checked in.
Maybe he’s ignoring me on purpose, I don’t know, but I’m also not the type to play games and sit around questioning.
Fuck. I really am an old person.
“Ah, yeah,” Christian steps aside. “He’s in Seven’s room.”
“Am I okay to go up?”
“Sure.” He glances overhead, wavering on saying more. “I don’t think he’s in a great space, like, I dunno. Go easy.”
And that gets me moving. What the hell happened?
I take the stairs two at a time and head along the hall. I’ve only been upstairs once, so I’m not completely confident which room is Seven’s, but after knocking on two closed doors with no answer, I finally hit the right one .
“Come in.”
I puff out an exhale before pushing the door open.
“Hey,” Seven says, glancing up from where he’s scrolling on his phone, like me being in his bedroom is a totally normal thing. Xander’s tucked up under his arm, and Molly’s hugging Xander from behind, watching a movie on his laptop.
“Hey, sorry to stop by. I hadn’t heard from Xander in a bit, and I was worried.”
It’s clear Xander knows I’m here because his back goes tense under his T-shirt, and he burrows down into the pillow.
Seven and Molly exchange a look before Molly pauses his movie.
“How was work?” he asks, like Xander isn’t ignoring me.
“Fine …”
He reaches down to pat the vacant spot by Seven’s legs. “Wanna watch the movie with me? Seven thinks musicals are boring.”
“Hey,” he grumbles. “I’m sitting here, aren’t I?”
“Not watching.”
“My ear holes are open.” Seven looks over at me. “Boyfriends are bossy.”
My eyes drift to the back of Xander’s head. “I can’t wait to find out.”
Molly gently shakes Xander’s shoulder. “You’re being rude.”
“Tell him to go away,” comes his muffled voice.
The three of us share a look. My first instinct is to be hurt, then offended, then want to say fuck it and leave. Did he really say that? Like I’m not in the room?
Before either of them can answer him, I get in first. “Did I do something wrong?”
His voice is a lot quieter this time. “No.”
In that case, I’m not going anywhere. “Then say it to my face. Tell me you want me to leave. ”
Molly looks like he’s trying not to laugh.
“I … can’t.”
“Why?”
“Molly,” Xander whines.
“Don’t drag him into this,” Seven says, unwrapping his arm from Xander’s head. “Use your words.”
“I hate you both.”
Molly pats his back lightly. “No, you don’t. Same as you don’t want Derek to actually leave.”
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Like what?”
There’s a long moment while the three of us wait for him to decide how to answer. In the end, Xander slowly sits up, and when he looks over, he’s the most un-made up I’ve ever seen him.
Messy hair, reddened eyes missing their contacts, and face so pale the bags under his eyes stick out.
I’m so used to seeing Xander look nothing short of perfect that this … it both breaks my heart and puts it back together again.
“I’m a mess,” he says.
“What have I said about you talking shit about yourself?”
He wrinkles his nose, where his freckles are even more prominent than usual, and I decide then and there that it’s definitely a calculated move. A distraction.
“Don’t try to be cute with me,” I say softly. “Be honest. What’s going on?”
“I’m never going to be good enough for you.”
“Pretty sure that’s for me to decide.”
His laugh is humorless. “And you will. Soon enough.”
“Is it the time thing? That I’m scared of losing my job? What? ”
“My psychologist thinks I’m self-sabotaging by wanting someone unavailable.”
Well, that plain pisses me off. Funny, isn’t it? That I’m the one who advocated hard for him to talk to someone, and that same someone is telling Xander I’m not the right guy.
And maybe I’m not.
Maybe his psychologist is right.
But I’m not going to work off maybes.
Someone else’s doubt doesn’t get to be my doubt, and if Xander wants me, I’m his. I wasn’t lying about that.
“Look at me.”
If anything, he looks down further. “Haven’t got my contacts.”
“Good. Then maybe you’ll see me clearly this time.”
Slowly, his suspicious eyes meet mine, and I shift closer for good measure.
“Yeah, I am unavailable, Xander. Because I’m already yours.”
“W-what?”
“I thought that was fucking obvious, but I guess I have to say it. No, we’re not having sex or officially in a relationship, and I hate it too. But we need this time to get to know each other outside of a medical context, and I’m so glad that we’re doing that. I’ve learned so much I didn’t know about you, and the more I learn, the more I fall for you. I’m not playing games. There’s no one else for me, and I’m happy to wait out all the time we need to for us to be able to start this thing right. If you are.”
“But I’m a mess,” he whispers, and from the corner of my eye, I see Seven’s jaw clench.
“That’s a lie, and you’re the only one who believes it. For months now, we’ve spent most of our free time together, and there hasn’t been a single time I’ve thought that.”
He scoffs. “That’s because I hide it from you. My panic attacks are getting worse. I had the most fucked-up one in my shrink’s office, and that’s right after having one the night before. I’m not getting better.”
Maybe that’s his problem. Maybe he’s too busy looking at himself like he’s something to fix instead of looking at himself as a perfectly normal person who these things happen to. It’s not on me to adjust his whole perception of himself, and I’m glad he’s seeing someone who can help, but the fact remains that Xander might never change. He might not want to. Maybe hating himself is his comfort blanket, and it’s on me to decide if I can spend my life with him exactly as he is.
“Your panic attacks aren’t you,” I finally say. And it’s that, more than anything, that makes me grateful we’re taking our time. I’d cared about him for so long, but I only cared about the side I saw. The side that swung between his not-give-a-fuck attitude and that deep vulnerability he didn’t always have the strength to fight.
Xander is so much more than that person.
I’m not going to be gentle with him anymore.
“Here’s the thing. I’ve made my choice. I can’t offer you anything official, but that doesn’t mean I’m not solely committed to seeing where this goes. I’ve seen you during your most vulnerable moments. I refuse to be your carer and your boyfriend, but I know what I’m signing up for. I know everything about you. Your past, your fears, how you can’t always control the things your mind does. I also know about how fucking talented you are. How good. How you still want to see the best in people, even if you need them to prove it to you before you’ll let yourself trust it. We’re both coming into this relationship with baggage, and if mine is too much for you, then that’s fair. It’s a call you have to make. Not now, but soon. Because I’m also willing to wait for my person.”
Xander’s lips part, and I hate that he’s still eyeing me like he’s not sure whether to believe me or not .
So instead of pushing further, I lean in, press a hard kiss to his lips, and before I leave, I meet his gaze and say, “And for what it’s worth, you have the most beautiful fucking eyes I’ve ever seen.”
I’m out of Seven’s room before any of them can say anything because while it sort of kills me that Xander didn’t immediately jump into my arms and tell me another year of all this is worth it, I also know it has nothing to do with me. He needs to figure out where his head is at, and that’s fine.
It’s okay.
I’m just going to be nervous as fuck while I wait for him to figure out what he wants.
I linger in the hall for a moment, wondering if he’ll follow, but when the door to the bedroom opens again, it isn’t Xander coming after me. It’s Seven.
Hey, maybe this time, he will punch me in the face.
His footsteps slow when he sees me, and when he’s only a few feet away, he collapses against the wall.
His tattooed hands cover his face, and seeing a big man like Seven fold into himself is something I’ve never witnessed before.
“I love Xander. So, so much.”
After everything Xander’s told me, I don’t doubt it. “I know.”
“Basically, since we met. I don’t know if he’s told you this, but we were in the same foster home. I’d hear him crying every night, and it used to kill me. But I … I have a lot of issues. Don’t trust people. Can’t talk to people. I kept an eye on him, but it was a few weeks before I ever said a word.”
“What did you say?”
“I told him sometimes I can’t sleep too.” Seven drags his hands back, and his eyes are all shiny. “He started sneaking into my room every night, sitting right at my door, and he’d fall asleep on the floor. He didn’t leave my side during the day. Didn’t say much, and neither did I. I don’t really remember what changed, but one night, he was crying, and I got the urge to hug him, so I did. It was the first time I’d touched someone in years. I think we both needed that hug.”
“You probably did.”
Seven swallows loudly and looks over at me. “But it’s been really fucking hard loving him alone.”
It suddenly occurs to me that I’ve never heard Seven swear before. I’ve also never thought to ask him if he’s okay. I’ve always seen him as this strong, capable force.
Tears spill onto his cheeks, and it makes me realize that I really should have asked. “I’d do anything for Xander, and I’d defend that man to death, but it’s … it’s a lot. He won’t help himself, so I’ve been doing it solo for so long. Then I found Molly. That guy’s the strongest man I know. He takes so much of mine and Xander’s crap on, and it all bounces right off him. I think he saved me. Like Xander did once. And now …” He scrubs at his face. “I don’t know what’s going to happen between you both, but I know you get it. I know that you know exactly what you’re signing up for, and damn, I hope he lets you because, well, I think I need him to.”
I’m the one to pull Seven into a hug this time, and I second-guess whether I should for a moment before his arms fold around me. “Everything he’s told me, I … he might have saved you, but I know you saved him too. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.”
He pulls away, and he slumps back against the wall like his energy has deserted him and left him limp.
“I’ll never not be there for him,” Seven says. “But since you’ve been hanging out, I think it’s the first time in my life that I’ve slept okay.”
“You’ve done so much for him.” I want to make sure Seven knows that I see it. “It’s my turn now. ”
His short laugh is watery and full of relief. “I’d tell you good luck, but I get the feeling you won’t need it.”
“Not even a little bit.” Xander is fresh air in my life. I look at him and see a future. I see fun and talent and curiosity. My life was stale, a set of must-dos, just a bare expanse of only having getting old to look forward to.
Xander changed all that.
That’s the man I’m falling for.
“If he decides he doesn’t want to wait around for me, I’m still only a phone call away. Anything you need. The respect I have for you … like, fuck.”
He manages a half smile. “Thanks. Sometimes I feel like dirt offloading it all onto Molly.”
“Then don’t. Just call me.”
“I think I will.” He looks up suddenly. “Oh, hey. I think this is the moment I’m supposed to tell you that if you mess with him, I’ll kill you.”
“Okay, get it out of your system.”
“If you mess with him—nah, I can’t do it. We both know he’ll be the one to kill you. But I can promise to help him hide your body.”
“Noted.”
My potential death aside, I’m still reeling from this conversation. Getting to see this other side of Seven isn’t something I ever expected. I didn’t think it was possible to like him more than I did when Xander told me what Seven did for him.
Turns out I was wrong.
Xander was right though.
Seven and Molly are my people, too, now.
And I’ll do everything I can to do right by all of them.