Not Catching Love (Accidental Love #5)

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Xander

When I knock on Derek’s door, I’m armed with an easel, a huge pad of paper, and the type of determination I haven’t felt since I vowed to make sure that Seven and Molly got together.

If I could fight for them, why the hell can’t I fight for myself?

Because you don’t deserve Derek.

The thought hurts because, deep down, there’s something in me that believes it’s true. I refuse to play into that feeling, though, because I don’t want to be this way anymore.

He opens the door, and seeing his face is a blast of happiness. His smile is cautious, and I get it, but hopefully, I can learn how to stop it from looking like that again.

“Good morning,” I say, and he quickly steps aside to let me in.

I’m still feeling raw from the other day, and my mind has never been more exhausted in my life, but for the first time ever, there’s something new there too. Something that feels good.

I’ve thought a lot about what he said. I’ve thought a lot about what Sherwin, Seven, and Molly have all said. My other roommates too. All the people who care about me have been trying to tell me for so long, and I never listened.

I want to help myself … for me.

Not Derek, not Seven or Molly. I’m unhappy. So fucking deeply unhappy. For years, I had myself convinced that things were fine, that I was functioning the way I was supposed to, but it was all a lie. My angry spirals, my medical episodes, that deep need for attention that goes beyond a want and turns into a toxic rage … it’s not fun anymore.

The problem is that the attention I get from those things gives me so much dopamine it’s become an addiction.

I don’t want to live like that.

So on the way here, I picked up the medication that I swore I’d never take again. It’s a different brand from when I was younger, so I have to trust that things will be different this time.

Still, I surge ahead until I’m in the middle of Derek’s living room, then set the easel down and rest the pad on top of it.

His front door clicks closed, and it’s like a vacuum pulls tight around us. “I’ve missed you.”

My resolve immediately crumbles. “I missed you too.”

Derek takes two steps closer, and I hold up both hands. “I’m gonna need to stop you right there. If you touch me, I might maul you because I’m still feeling extra sensitive, and the thought of having sex with you is so goddamn tempting right now.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Yes. Sit, please.”

Derek redirects to the couch .

“That’s better.” I suck down a deep breath and pull the lid off one of the markers I’ve brought with me. Then, across the top of the page, I label three columns. One with “rules” and the other with yes and no.

“What’s this?”

“Yeah, I’m going to need you not to talk either. Your voice is way too sexy and should be illegal.”

He laughs.

“Laughing is also off the table.”

“Wha—Xander!”

I grin at him over my shoulder, and thank fuck he looks amused. “What?” I ask innocently. “Out of the two of us, you’re the one who’s sex on legs.”

His gaze immediately drops to take me in. “Yeah, that is definitely not true.” And with the stuff my wet dreams are made of, he presses down on his dick.

“Enough of that, you slutty muppet.”

Derek laughs louder this time, and somehow, it’s even worse. I need to get through this list before it kills me.

“I’m here today for us to draw up ground rules for our relationship,” I tell him. In the first column, I write the word “boyfriend,” and then before he can chime in, I tick yes. “Now, I know this can’t be public or official or anything like that, but I have my reasons for this.”

He stretches his arms out across the back of his couch, and fuck me. Is that the hottest move a man can make? It might just be.

“Arms down, please. I need my blood up here.” I tap my temple, and Derek immediately tucks his hands behind his back. But then that only makes his shoulders rounder. I’m screwed. “You know what, I’m going to talk to the paper.”

“If that’s what you need to do.”

“Yes. So. Boyfriends. Now, the reason I want to use this word is because Seven and Molly basically heard you confess your undying love for me anyway, and second, I hardly leave the house and don’t have friends beyond them, so I literally have no one to tell. No risk. And for you, obviously you won’t say anything at work, but my friends know, and Manny one hundred percent guessed it, so he’ll be cool too.”

“Uh-huh.”

“We’re basically that anyway, minus the sex.” The longer he doesn’t say anything, the faster my doubts creep in.

“And calling me your boyfriend is important to you?” he asks.

Damn, I love his voice so much. So smooth and deep, it was always the thing that helped anchor me through my hardest moments. “Yes. I’ve never had a boyfriend before. Apparently, I have the trust issues of a wet paper bag, so I really want to know what it’s like. With you.”

“Deal. Boyfriends.”

I barely hold back a fucking squeal. Be cool, Xander. We’ve got this.

I clear my throat. “Next order of business. Affection. I’ve got this broken down into four main categories. At home, at?—”

Derek’s hands snake around my waist. I’m too busy freaking out over the fact he’s touching me that it takes a second to compute as he kisses behind my ear. “Can I admit something?” he asks by my ear.

“Yeah …” My voice does that weird, shaky thing that happens when I’m excited.

“Not hearing from you for two days has been the hardest fucking thing. And I think, just for tonight, I want to forget about the rules and spend some real time with my boyfriend.”

My knees aren’t working right. “Like … like what?”

“Like, maybe …” His lips run along my neck. “Something we’ve both been so patient for.”

Sex. He wants to have sex. I’m too excited to even stop and worry about whether I’ve manscaped recently. I turn in his arms. “Will you fuck me in your bed?”

He chokes over his words. “Yeah. If that’s what you want.”

“I want.”

The thought of Derek’s body hovering over mine as he thrusts uncontrollably is something that’s teased me for a long time. He takes my hand and leads me into the short hall before stopping. “I need to make it clear that this is only for today. You get that, right?”

“Of course. But …”

“Yeah?”

Other than right now, I respect that Derek needs to keep sex off the table, but there’s something I need as well. “I want affection.”

“What?”

“Like, constantly. I know when we’re in public, that’s out, but I really need to be touched. Always. Even something little makes me feel so …”

He tugs me toward him. “Yes.” Then Derek dips his head and presses his lips to mine.

I melt against the feeling. I’m hungry for his taste, his kiss, the way his tongue is commanding against mine.

Derek lifts me from the ground, and I wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me into his bedroom. It smells like him in here, feels like him, and I wonder how many nights he’s lain in his bed and thought of me. I wonder if it even comes close to how many nights I’ve thought of him.

He lays me down, hands on either side of my shoulders as he holds his weight up. “I’m happy for this to go either way,” he says in that low, smooth voice. “I know you haven’t done this before, so if it’s easier for you to fuck me, we can do it that way.”

Not going to lie, that thought is hot. I don’t think I can imagine how it would feel for him to be wrapped around my cock like that, but at the same time, in all of my fantasies, he’s been inside me. He’s held me so tight I couldn’t breathe and filled me inside and out.

I want to know what it’s like.

There’ll be time for all the other sex in the world later.

“I need you inside me,” I say. “I need you to need me like that.”

Derek’s exhale is shaky. “Trust me, I really fucking do.”

He breaks away from me to go to his bedside table and grab a bottle of lube and a condom. He tosses them both on the bed, then stands over me.

“I don’t know how you’re real, Xander. You are so fucking sexy.”

I almost tell him he’s got those lust goggles on again, but I bite my tongue. “Aren’t you going to undress me?” I rasp.

The groan he lets out is almost feral, but when he touches me again, it’s sweet. It would be so easy to mistake this for love as he slowly pushes up my shirt, kissing every strip of skin as he reveals it. He doesn’t rush, just takes his time to hold me, kiss me, almost like he can’t get enough.

He slides down my body to kneel beside the bed and then reaches for my fly. My dick is straining against it, and it’s sweet agony as he slowly works my shorts open. Derek kisses his way up my inner thigh, and when he gets to the bottom of my shorts, he grips my waistband and tugs my shorts and underwear down as one.

Those gorgeous eyes of his flare with lust, and it makes my cock throb.

Then Derek does something I’m completely unprepared for. He leans forward, and my cock sinks into his mouth.

“Oh, fuck,” I cry, fisting the sheets. I refuse to come before he’s inside me, but this is making it really goddamn hard. I’ve never had a mouth on my cock before, but I refuse to believe that anyone has ever given a blowjob like this. He licks his way down my shaft before pulling torturously off again.

My balls are already tight.

“If you do that again, you’re going to be drinking my cum.”

Derek chuckles. “That sounds delicious.”

“I really need you to fuck me though. Whether I come or not, I need you inside me.”

He presses a kiss to my balls, then just behind them.

“W-what are you doing?”

Derek’s eyes darken. “I’m hungry.” Then he ducks his head and buries his face in my ass.

Derek’s tongue flicks over my opening as he sucks my sensitive skin. It’s sensory overload. His stubble scraping against me, his tongue making my nerves buzz, the scent of him in his sheets, the way he moans as he works me over, and then, looking down. Seeing his head between my legs.

He presses against the backs of my thighs, bending my knees right back against the bed. He licks me one last time before pulling back, watching me as he rubs my hole. He’s panting slightly.

“You ready for a finger?”

“Yes.” I’ve done it before on myself, but there’s no denying Derek’s fingers are much wider than mine, and his cock … that’s going to be a tight fit.

I’m leaking onto my stomach as he picks up the lube.

“Why don’t you get naked too?” I ask.

Derek shakes his head. “Can’t. If my dick’s out, I won’t be able to stop from touching it. And it doesn’t get relief until it’s inside you.”

My thighs twitch, and he grins up at me as he clicks open the lube.

It’s cold as it hits my skin, but Derek’s warm fingers follow it, and when I’m ready, he presses one inside. A long, smooth breach that I can’t believe is happening.

“You took that so well,” he says.

“I need more.”

“I know. Just let me handle it.”

I groan as his rough voice goes right to my balls. “We’re back on the no-talking rule.”

Derek laughs, and for a second, that sweet, happy man flickers behind how turned on he is. “Is it turning you on when I talk to you?”

“Too much.”

“What about it is working you up? My voice? Me telling you that you’ve got the prettiest hole I’ve ever seen? Or …” He presses a second finger inside. “How greedy your body is for me? How ready you are to be fucked by me?”

I’m ready to sob. “All of it.”

The bastard fucking smirks. “Good to know.”

He uses one hand to loosely stroke my dick as he stretches me open. It’s taking all my willpower to hold off, but fuck me. I’ve had his hands on me one whole other time, and Derek didn’t touch me like this back then. That was sex to get off. This is sex to drive me out of my fucking mind.

“I’m ready,” I beg. “I’m ready for more.”

He’s taking sick pleasure in stroking his fingers slowly in and out. I can feel every movement. I’m so acutely turned on to every single thing he’s doing that I forget to worry about literally anything, and when Derek stuffs a third finger inside me, it’s heaven.

I’m so overwhelmingly full, and I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like once it’s his cock. I need this. Need to feel owned and consumed. To know he needs my ass as much as I need his cock.

“You’re going to be so fucking tight,” he rasps. He’s working me open with his fingers, and while it’s weird and uncomfortable, it doesn’t hurt. Mentally, it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced, but at least the stretch has taken a tiny bit of the desperate edge off.

Derek lets go of my cock and leans down to kiss me. I could survive with just this for the rest of our lives, I think, because it’s that fucking good. But now that I’m getting a taste of sex, that I know what it’s supposed to be like, how it’s supposed to feel, I’ll take every opportunity to indulge that he gives me.

We’re kissing for so long that when he pulls back, his lips are puffy. “That’s as ready as I can get you,” he says.

“Then it’s time to fuck me, isn’t it?”

Concern crosses his forehead. “It might hurt. It might?—”

“I don’t care. This is what I want.”

There’s a second where I think he’s going to argue with me, and then he relents. “Okay. Lay on your side so I can get behind you.”

I’m fucking nervous. I didn’t expect to be, and they’re good nerves, but they’re there anyway. I watch over my shoulder as Derek strips off, then rolls his condom on and covers himself with lube.

“Still good?”

My poor ass feels empty. “I need you so bad.”

Derek lies down behind me, pressing against my back, and when he kisses along my shoulder, it melts me. “I’m going to put myself in, then it’s up to you how fast or slow you take me. Okay?”

I nod quickly, desperate to feel it, and when the fat head of his cock presses to my hole, I’m so eager I try to thrust back onto him.

Derek grabs my hip. “We need to be kind to your little virgin hole,” he warns, right by my ear. “I’ve got a fat cock, and this isn’t going to be easy. ”

My eyes almost roll back at how Derek can be his same considerate self while talking like that .

“Please.” I’ll do or say anything to get him to push inside already.

“You have no idea what your begging does to me, bug.”

The pet name makes me whimper, and he finally, finally pushes forward.

The stretch is more than I was prepared for. I’d thought his fingers made me feel full; his cock is making me feel ripped open. It doesn’t hurt too badly, but there is a slight burn, and for one wild moment, I doubt that I can do this. Derek pauses to add more lube.

“What if you’re too big?” I ask.

“Then we’ll stop.”

“I don’t want to stop.” I try to shove down again, but Derek’s hand stays steady on my hip. Lucky he does, too, because the small movement was too much too quick, and it legitimately hurts for the first time.

A hiss escapes my teeth.

“I need you to be patient, or I’m taking it away.”

“You can’t.”

“I can. I want this too, but I’m not going to let you hurt yourself.”

I take a long breath to try and help calm down. At least the sharp pain that’s thankfully fading helped reduce my desperation. “Okay. I’ll be careful.”

“Good. Just move slowly, and stop whenever you need to.”

Unfortunately, whenever I need to is way too much for my liking. He wasn’t lying about being big or that this wouldn’t be easy. But I’m fucking determined.

“That’s it,” he mutters, adding even more lube. We have to have gone through half the bottle by this point. “You’re doing so good. Just a bit more. Keep going.”

“How far am I? ”

He chuckles, husky and deep. “I’m not going to answer that.”

“Fuck.”

“It’s okay. Watching you try is so hot. It feels so fucking good.”

That’s exactly what I need to hear. His praise helps me keep going. To keep trying. I wish he’d told me how far I have to go, but his lack of answer means it’s probably still a lot. I’d only been half-serious when I’d asked if he was too big, but I’m starting to get worried that he might be.

“I don’t think I can do it.” Even though I’m trying to hold it back, the panic hits my voice. I want to do it. I need to.

“Shh …” His grip tightens on my hip, holding me still, as his lips return to kissing me. All along my shoulder, my neck, my jaw. “We’re not in a hurry. If you need to stop, we’ll stop, but I know you can do it.”

“What if I can’t?”

“You can. You’re doing so good I know you can take the whole thing.”

“Can … can you do it?”

“You want me to take over?”

I refuse to stop, but I need some help here. “Please.”

“Okay.”

Derek wraps his arms around me and draws me into a kiss. He begins slowly. A gentle rocking of his hips, fucking me with whatever I managed to get inside.

It feels better than I thought it could. I’m spread open and vulnerable, but with every tiny thrust, Derek works himself deeper. He clearly knows what he’s doing, and I swear to fucking god he must have the patience of a saint because it takes forever.

But it doesn’t hurt.

And when he presses his hips tightly to my ass, he’s panting hard .

Locked together like this, feeling fuller than I ever could have imagined … it’s the greatest moment of my life. I clench down around him, overwhelmed with how much I love that.

“I knew you could take me,” he says.

“I need you to fuck me now.”

Derek rolls his hips, lighting up a fucking mind-blowing spot inside me. His cock passes over it, again and again, and I swear I’m already on the edge.

All those times I’d tried for a one-night stand, I’m so fucking grateful none of them ever worked out. When Derek fucks me, I can feel genuine care coming from him. The same deep want I have. That’s what I need. It’s not something I would have gotten from a random in a bar.

Derek groans out some mixed-up curses before moving faster. “Watching you take my cock is turning me on so much.”

I glance down to where his hips are pounding against mine, my needy, neglected dick jutting out in front of me.

“Touch yourself, baby. I need you to come.”

I’ll give Derek anything he asks for. I wrap my hand around my shaft, and the relief is immediate. Derek’s going to get his wish sooner than later because as I jerk off with him moving inside me, I lose track of reality.

This is too good to be true.

This feels way too big to be happening.

The way my heart has a happy ache as he holds me tight and works to get us to the end. My back is sweaty against his chest, his breath is hot in my ear, and I’m floating out of my head, waiting for my orgasm to hit. It’s so fucking close now.

“Look at me,” he orders.

I turn my head, meeting his greeny-browny-golden eyes.

“So. Fucking. Beautiful.”

That’s it for me. My balls throb, and then I’m coming in my fist, orgasm wrapping tight around me and curling my toes over painfully .

Behind me, Derek cries out, gives two powerful thrusts, then stills, pressed tightly against me as his cock jerks inside my ass.

His rapid breathing is so loud, and when he collapses against me, arm circling my front, I realize he’s sweaty too.

It takes way too long for my heart rate to return to normal.

“What did I tell you?” he whispers, nose by my ear as he struggles to catch his breath. “Fucking incredible.”

And for the first time ever, I almost believe him.