Not Catching Love (Accidental Love #5)

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Six

Xander

“This is huge,” I say, looking around at it all. Derek’s swinging our hands between us, whistling like a fucking grandpa, and the way I love it is borderline vomit-inducing.

I’m not used to being … happy.

Not like this.

I’ve been happy for a while now, but that’s part of the problem. Happiness always comes before everyone leaves, so I’ve never let myself stop and feel it. With Derek, I’m getting better at that. The meds help too, I guess.

Standing in a giant fucking field is not where I would have guessed that realization would take place, but this is it. Even with my constant doubt and the way I think I’m going to ruin everything, if I can ignore all that, for a moment, this feels like home.

“Our place is over there,” Manny says, pointing to the house on the other side of the property .

It’s two stories and cute as hell.

I like the thought of Manny and his family being close by, but it does make me ache for what I’ll be leaving behind. When I move out, where will Seven and Molly go? Will they stay close to me? What if they—it’s hard to breathe for a second—move to Massachusetts to be near Molly’s dad? Even with Derek and how much I love him, I wouldn’t survive that.

Like he can sense my panic, he gives my hand a firm squeeze. “What do you think?”

“I think … it’s amazing. Big. Probably too far from Seattle if you stay at the pharmacy, but think about how many bugs you’ll find up here.” I’m teasing at first when an idea hits me. “Hey! Bees. There’s more than enough space here for you to get your bees. That was on your dream board.”

His eyes are creased sweetly. “It was. I thought the same thing when I first saw this place.”

“You can make your own honey, and Molly will design a logo for you. That would be so cute.”

“It would. I thought the hives could be set up further down by those trees.”

I’m relieved, because while I love that he gets to do something he’s passionate about, I’m still not on board with being a bug lover. The further the bees are from me, the better. I’ll help them out by eating their honey.

“We’ll need a decent-sized house,” he continues. “We’ve got to make sure you have a large art room. Maybe with windows the whole way around, unlike the one you have now.”

“The more light there is, the more I can see my flaws,” I point out to him. “Why do you think I work in the dark?”

“Maybe you wouldn’t think your work was so shitty if you could see it properly?”

He’s got me there. I can see it, obviously, but I just … prefer not to. Then I don’t feel bad about charging people my prices and sending something horrible. Sherwin mentally slaps me for that one. Apparently, self-hatred isn’t a thing most people do, and he wants me to work on it. Go figure.

As much as I love the picture of bees and a house and a big open paint room, it doesn’t feel complete.

“Maybe a pool,” Derek continues, raising our joined hands to point. “And then there’s plenty of room for the second house to go there.”

I nod along with his vision, and it takes me a moment to process it. “Second … house?”

“Yeah. Or we make the main house big enough for all of us—I’m easy either way. I know Molly wants lots of kids, and you’re not a big child person, so the two houses might be …” He trails off. “Are you okay?”

Am I? My mouth is hanging open, and there’s a deep pressure settling over my chest. My heart is beating faster, and I feel all weird and light-headed.

But it’s not a panic attack.

“Molly?” I ask, voice sounding wet.

“And Seven.”

“A second house ?”

Derek pulls a face. “I know, I’m being ambitious. It’ll cost a lot, so we’ll have to see what we can work out. Maybe save the pool for further down the track and?—”

“You know the cost isn’t what I’m freaking out about!”

He drops the act and steps forward, tucking my hair behind both ears. “They’re yours,” he whispers. “So they’re mine. Did you really think I’d be okay with you moving all the way out here without them?”

“You … you want them here?”

“Of course.” He almost sounds surprised I asked. “It wouldn’t be the same without them. I thought this would make you happy … you look like you’re about to cry.”

I sniff. “Of course I’m about to cry. I was so scared to leave them. Do you mean it?” Then, a horrible thought hits me. “What if they say no?”

Derek ducks his head, and when he glances up, there’s an apology all over his face. “I brought Seven here yesterday. I knew they’d be on board, but I wanted to make sure of it before I mentioned it to you.”

“And he said yes?”

His lips hitch. “Got as choked up as you have.”

I throw myself into his arms, not sure what the fuck I did to deserve him. It doesn’t feel real. It’s too hard to wrap my head around. Getting to call this place home is one thing. It actually being home because I have the people I love most here with me is another.

Derek’s giving me all that.

Derek’s doing exactly what he said he would and is trying to make me happy.

You don’t deserve him.

That fucking voice. I grit my teeth and push it back, refusing to let it in. I know it will win sometimes, but if Derek is keeping his end of the promise, then I’m sure as hell going to do the same.

I can’t even imagine Molly and Seven with kids. Sure, I hate kids in general because I never got that chance to be one, but their children? Little Molly and Sevens? Getting to be Uncle Xander?

Wow. Okay. This is a lot.

I slowly pull back so I can see him. “You think I’m incredible.”

“Yeah.”

I shake my head. “No, I mean … you think that, when you’re the one out here doing all this. I know I’m not great with telling you how I feel all the time, but I want you to know … how much … that this means … ”

He gives me his shut up kiss. “I know, bug. We might have had a slow start, but it wasn’t slow for me. My feelings were always there, and I used all our time together to learn everything I could about you. I know how you squint at your work when you’re getting frustrated. And I know how you lean into me when I touch you. I know that loud music makes you happy, and being alone for too long sends you into a spiral. I know that you try to be tough and strong because it’s all you’ve ever learned to be, but I also know how much you hate it. It exhausts you to have to pretend all the time. This is going to be your home, where you can be soft and stop fighting. We’ll get you a puppy for while I’m at work during the day, and maybe one day, you’ll come and volunteer with me. Teach art to kids in other countries, like you taught it at the nursing home.”

That actually doesn’t sound completely horrible. “Only with less swearing.”

“True.”

“And wherever we go, it needs to have a great health care system.”

“Of course.” Derek almost laughs. “And the other thing I know about you? You’re not Xander without Seven.”

I shift, not able to meet his eyes. “Does that … it doesn’t bother you, does it?”

“Nope. Maybe if I’d never met you two like I did, it might have. Maybe if I’d never seen everything you two have been through. I don’t know. But Molly and I have been talking a lot. Me and Seven too. The way you all support each other is beyond words, and I’m so looking forward to being part of that.”

I reach up to stroke his beard. He’s tidied it up and gotten a haircut, but it’s still a lot longer than I’m used to. Who knows? I might have a sexy mountain man on my hands. At the end of the day, I don’t give a fuck how Derek looks, as long as I can always see the kind eyes I fell in love with. “Looking forward to it? Derry, you already are. ”

There’s a reason Seven and Molly are always texting him. There’s a reason why I can’t get enough. He’s the stability we need in our lives, and he’s everything else I need as well.

It’s a relief to know that I don’t have to be strong anymore.

But I’ll choose to be because Derek deserves to be loved the way he loves me.

I’m going to spend my life doing exactly that.