17. Chapter 17
17
I knew my heat was finished, but I didn’t want to leave the sandwiched cocoon of Ruck and Oliver. I was draped half over Oliver, and one of Ruck’s legs dragged on the floor. Our scents were indistinguishable now, painted with so much potent lust. Each lungful was thick with heady need, desperate desire, and soft love.
Was it hormones that made my heart thud rough against my ribcage? I stuck my nose on Oliver’s chest and drank his velvet wine and fresh orange rind. I don’t know how long the heat lasted, but each time I scented Oliver like this, my body would respond with a wild surge of want. My pussy would pulse and throb until one of them filled me with their cocks. Only when I was locked on their knot did I gain any type of lucidity. Fleeting and fevered, it would fade, and the cycle would begin again.
But not now.
I was a melted puddle of pleasure. And above all that, I felt safe, loved. Ruck’s fingers drifted down my back, and he pressed a featherlight kiss on my shoulder.
“Don’t rouse her. She’s snoozing,” Oliver whispered over my head.
“Has her heat broken now?” Ruck sighed.
His breath created goosebumps on my skin. Would they leave me? Was this the moment I found out whether this meant something more? They kissed professions of love into my skin. Praised and cherished me through the entire heat. But my stomach flipped. Could I handle it if this was another alpha doing their duty? What was I doing even worrying about their feelings? It’s not like we could be a pack.
A pack .
My ribs tightened. It was wrong, and yet the idea rang like a bell through my veins. Even if Hale stayed, could he really have satisfied me throughout my heat? I doubted it. There were moments when both Oliver and Ruck seemed desperately tired yet determined to please me. I’d worn out two giant, powerful alphas.
“Is it selfish if I say I hope not?” Oliver rumbled.
Warmth flooded me, and it took everything to remain still.
“Nope. I feel the same.” Ruck sighed. “I don’t want her to wake up and regret this. I don’t want to go back to a world where she isn’t mine. How long have you been in love with her?”
In love with me? My mind tumbled over a cliff at Ruck’s hushed words.
“Ain’t sure. From the moment I clapped eyes on her? It feels like she’s always been mine.”
Silence bled through the room, and Ruck’s fingers halted on my back. I couldn’t comprehend what Oliver was saying. Was he in love with me? What did that mean for us? Did I feel the same? Those kinds of thoughts were dangerous. I couldn’t love someone who wasn’t my husband.
Hale, who left me to coil in agony after taking me for the first time. The thought of him turned the safe shell of Oliver and Ruck to dust.
“So, you’re telling me we’ve both been in love with Esta this entire time? Maybe we can convince her to stay here, to live in this room and forget about the outside world.”
My heart skipped a beat. Ruck was in love with me as well? My stomach churned with a storm. This was so wrong, so right and impossible. What Ruck proposed was a fanciful dream. We couldn’t stay in this room, not when reality lurked outside, and my husband.
It was the drugging power of my scent. Not true feelings, just the lingering lull of the heat, I said to myself.
My mouth was dry, and for a moment, the sticky, sweaty memories felt like a coat of shame.
But I hadn’t left me in my time of need. I hadn’t abandoned my marriage. Hale convinced them to come. Maybe he knew, subconsciously, they had feelings and wouldn’t deny him. I let out a soft sigh and stretched. I didn’t want to pretend anymore.
It was time to face what we’d done.
“Good morning,” I blinked at the orange sky, “or evening. I can’t tell.”
Oliver stared down at me, and I resisted the urge to cup his red, stubbled cheek. His expression was wary and hopeful. Everything balanced on a tenuous, easy-to-shatter line. I rolled up and tried to tug the sheet over my breasts. Love bites scattered across the curves, and I couldn’t regret it. I’d take something from this heat, even if it wasn’t what they wanted.
“Esta, how are you feeling after everything…” Ruck trailed off, sensing I wasn’t the soft and willing omega they’d known over my heat. How long had we remained a tangled pile of limbs and pleasure?
“I d-don’t know what to say.” Honesty choked my throat, but I couldn’t paste a smile on and pretend I was perfectly fine.
All my mismatched edges rubbed, and I didn’t know how to smooth them out. This was an impossible situation. I dropped my gaze to Oliver’s naked body. His powerful thighs and his soft cock nestled in red hair. I licked my lips despite myself, and shame crashed over me. This wasn’t my primal self driving me, but my wanton desires. I wrapped my arms around myself.
“Do you feel clear-headed?” Oliver asked although it was obvious I was. I hadn’t shrunk from them before. I’d been bossy and needy. Like a limpet on the rock of their chests. I crawled to the end of the bed. Distance might clear the remnants of fog from my mind. Oliver reached out and gripped my wrist.
“Esta.” He threaded a lot of questions through my name. He said it throatily, desperate, and low. He said it like a man who knows a woman underneath her skin. A soft puff escaped me. Not quite a sob, not quite a moan. But it was regretful, and his face shuttered.
I don’t want her to wake up and regret this.
Ruck hid his devastation with a swipe of his hand down his face. I yanked on my wrist, knowing if I let Oliver hold me, I might never leave. He slumped back onto the bed and ground his teeth together. I grabbed my dressing gown and pressed it to my naked front. I didn’t want to put it on, not with my skin painted with our combined passion.
“I feel normal again. Thank you for seeing me through the heat.” The thanks was too thin for what they’d done for me. What they’d done to me. The words were so hollow and worthless that I couldn’t help the wince that chased them. Ruck let out a soft whistle, the emotion covered by a cool stare. Oliver swallowed, and it was audible.
“Esta, we would do anythin’ for you.” Oliver tried to crack through my hastily built walls. I looked out the window and let his statement fall to the ground. What could I say in return? I had nothing to offer him. The orange of the setting sun bled red and pink, so much color for such a morose moment. There was one bright twinkle in the fabric expanse of the sky. I pressed my finger on it, the glass fogging under my heated breath.
“We’ve been here for days. The stars are coming out.”
Rustling came from the bed, but I didn’t look. I ignored the curious, hungry part of me that wasn’t satisfied with having their bodies for days. It was all a blur, fading into a sated, misted cloud. I wanted the memory of their bodies that wouldn’t fade. To memorize the lines of muscles, scars, and freckles.
They didn’t belong to me .
I berated myself with the sick, horrible knowledge. The unfairness of this situation bit into me like ice teeth. Freezing my blood and making each pump of my heart painful. They both dressed in silence, and tension choked the air.
“My name means star. My mother loved them because she always struggled to sleep. She’d stay up with mint tea in the early hours and watch the night sky. She said when she was pregnant, I used to kick the most at midnight when the stars were brightest. The night she labored with me, the sky filled with shooting stars, and she thought it was a sign. That her baby was going to do great things, change the world. Even when she died, my mother still believed I was going to do something special. But everywhere I go, I leave nothing but mess. Sometimes, I wonder if it was a curse that was laid on me, not a blessing.”
I hadn’t ever told anyone that before. About my mother, my name, and her hope for me. About my hatred for myself and my inability to break free of the constraints around me. I’d traveled to the wildlands, only to be controlled by the call of my body. I didn’t even know what I was trying to say. Fingers wrapped around my shoulder, and the scent of stale hay surrounded me.
“You can think of your heat as nothing or as destruction. But Esta, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t regret it. I refuse. What we did was beautiful, perfect. It was everything.” Ruck’s voice was thick as he whispered in my ear. I swallowed a sob, wanting to turn and let him enfold me in his arms.
“Star.” Oliver blew out a noise, and I looked over to him.
He stood by the door with his arms crossed over his chest. His gaze traveled from my bare toes to my knotted hair. I expected to see judgment, not the awe that slackened his stony expression. Through the silent cracks, I drowned in his vibrant green eyes.
“I gaze up at the stars sometimes. I like how far away they are. Made of moondust, something enchanting. Never thought I’d catch one. But I did, and Esta, I’m holdin’ on tight.” Oliver turned on his heel and left the room.
The honest drawl of his tongue brought another wave of guilt. I wasn’t the only one Hale hurt when he left me wanting. The door swung open, and Oliver’s firm steps echoed through the silent house. I wrapped the cotton material tighter around my body. Oliver took long strides across the yard, and I admired his height and strength.
“I’ll give you some privacy to clean up.” Ruck cleared his throat and stepped back. He scrubbed his jaw, and I knew he wanted to say more, to expand on the surprising admission Oliver had made. The reality was just too heavy for me to process. Ruck scuffed his boots on the floor, and I held out a hand. His hazel eyes widened.
“I don’t regret what we did. You and Oliver made me feel safe and loved. I will always cherish that. This feels like a mess, one I created, but it wasn’t nothing to me. Please, can you tell Oliver what I said?”
“I’ll tell him, and I’ll let Hale know it’s finished. You both need to have a conversation.”
He left before I could protest, and it took me a moment to move away from the window.
Talk to Hale? How about never?
I hadn’t even touched the aching, burning pulse of Hale’s betrayal yet. It weighed on my chest with thorns.
I knew he hated me, but the way he left destroyed me. Oliver and Ruck did their best to fit me back together, but my insides were still bruised. I loved Hale with sweet naivety and now I understood why people would lament love.
It hurt. It scarred. The wounds Hale left scored the deepest, darkest parts of me.
I filled the standing tub downstairs with lukewarm water and soaped Oliver and Ruck from my skin. All that remained was the scent of a powerful alpha imprinted on my glands. Their heavy alpha claim would lay behind mine for a few days.
It wasn’t a bonding mark, but I pretended it was. I let their weight steady my racing heart as I wrapped my damp hair into a plait and pinned it to my skull. Nerves kicked in my stomach, but I couldn’t do more than nibble on the beef jerky I thought would satisfy me. I stifled a gasp as the door cracked open, and my husband appeared in the doorway.
He was gaunt and the hollows of his eyes were stark as his gaze flickered to my feet and upward. The new shadows gaped in his cheeks as well. He took off his hat and fidgeted with the lip. His nostrils flared wide as my changed scent reached him and he stumbled.
“Esta, I wanted to—” he took a deep breath, but I cut him off. I’d had some time to process the betrayal while I bathed and put myself back together. My skin was tight like my spirit bolstered underneath it, and I was someone new. Someone who wouldn’t take excuses.
“It’s Mrs. Hartlock, and if you’ve come with apologies, I don’t accept them.”
Hale straightened. Some of his familiar thorny expression appeared in the snap of his eyebrows. He drifted further into the room, but I didn’t invite him to sit. If he was waiting for me to welcome him into my presence, he would wait forever. He ran his hand over the back of the chair, stiff with tension.
“Mrs. Hartlock then,” his low voice sent a shiver through me, and I hated how my body reacted to his. “I want to apologize for the way I treated you during your heat. It was unforgivable.”
I folded my hands in my lap in silence. He shuffled and made a grimace. Was that it? I knew he was a stoic man, but not even being able to muster up more than a sentence to apologize for what he did to me? My soul still ached from the way he tore his knot out of my body. The rejection stung as if fresh. Sending two others in his stead didn’t make up for leaving me.
“I gave you every chance to leave, Hale.” I used his name, and part of me hoped he would try to fight me for it. But I’d earned his name the same way he lost the right to mine. “I begged and tried . It was you who insisted on having me. You can’t hate me as an omega when I tried so desperately to stop.”
Hale’s face turned gray, and he sagged into the armchair, uncaring about an invitation anymore. My lash line stung, and I stared past his shoulder to the teapots on the mantle.
They were both owned by strong women, and I would be one, too.
“You did, and I thank you for your strength. I didn’t have it, and it frightened me. It took me back to a place I vowed never to return, but that had nothing to do with you. I told you how Claudia set her cap on me and my refusal. Well, she didn’t accept it and devised a plan. When she was on the edge of her heat, she pounced on me in town. She used her slick to—” he grimaced. “To send me into a rut, and I was frightened it would happen again. It’s not an excuse, but I hope you can understand I didn’t do it maliciously. I-I enjoyed being with you too much. When I felt myself losing my logic, I panicked.”
Hale twisted his hands together and stared at the floor. All the righteous anger he’d been directing at me faded away. I was at a loss. The hurt from his actions didn’t budge from his words but my lungs emptied. What could I say to him? I could understand him being scared.
Did it make it right?
No.
Did I forgive him for it?
No.
He made a choice.
But what happened now? What about Oliver and Ruck?
“You sent your brother, your friend, in your place,” I whispered. I didn’t mention how my body still echoed with delicious pleasure from their combined touches. “To care for your wife.”
“I’m a coward, but I’m not a monster,” Hale winced, knowing his words were hypocritical. He’d been a monster to me, unrelenting while he wallowed in his hatred. “It was the only thing I could offer you, o-once I knew I couldn’t stay. You would have been in agony, and I c-couldn’t bear the thought of you in pain.”
My chest throbbed in memory of him leaving. The hoarse beg of his name on my lips.
“It’s the worst pain I’ve ever known. But I won’t thank you for sending them in your stead, Hale.” I bit out his name like a whip.
“So you shouldn’t,” he agreed. The days I’d spent in pleasure were not the same for Hale. He was ragged with exhaustion. Nails bit to the quick, and hair askew. Like he’d tugged hard on it and spent nights tossing and turning.
Good.
“Did you even consider how this might affect them?” I asked, and when his face fell, I knew he hadn’t. But he didn’t know what they nursed in their hearts, and I did. My chest throbbed with the mess of it all.
“I wasn’t thinking, clearly. I-I was addled by the effect you had on me, and it scared me to the bone. Being forced into a rut scarred me. When I got arrested for public enragement, I was treated like an animal. But there was a point where I had felt like one. Out of control. It’s not enough, but you’ll never know how sorry I am for it.” Hale scrubbed his hand down his face with a heavy sigh.
“I’m sorry for what happened to you, what Claudia did. But what now? You’ve made your hatred of me clear.”
Hale perched his hat on his knee and met my gaze at last. He searched my face.
“Nothing changes, Esta. You can’t stay here. I know you didn’t lure me in consciously. But what happens next time you go into heat? You deserve someone who can love all of you, and I can’t offer you that. Like you said, it’s not right or proper to have Ruck and Oliver tend you, despite your body’s needs. And I-I can’t do it.”
My mouth dropped open, and I slammed it shut with a click. A tremble racked through my body and I bowed my shoulders at the sudden force. Days of heat, little water or food, all of it was catching up to me. But Hale’s quiet unsettled me the most.
It wasn’t sharp like a blade or accusatory, with years of long-held grudges like I expected. He was almost apologetic, the way he refused a future with me. My heart cracked. I couldn’t help how much I still cared for him.
Before he found out I was an omega, I was enamored with him. I know he felt the same way. But now, after all that had happened, he denied everything and wanted me to leave.
“You have a cruel heart, Hale.”
“I know it.”