18. Chapter 18
18
I couldn’t go back to the way I was before my heat, and I missed my ignorance. Every touch, look or word carried a thousand different meanings, and I could barely function. It took everything to dress and drag myself to church this morning. But we hadn’t been for too long, and a small part of me thought the holy place could assuage the guilt I harbored.
How wrong I was.
Lucinda stood up when she saw me, threaded her arm through mine, and insisted we sit together.
“Where have you been? I worried something happened, but Garcell said we should give you time.”
Lucinda’s husband was sitting across the aisle in a separate pew with Emory. Church was busier than the last time we attended and there was a healthy mix of humans and Designated in attendance, including Dr. Goodman. He tried to catch my eye and motion me next to him, but I pretended not to see.
“I-I’m an omega. A latent omega,” I added as Lucinda’s hand covered her mouth.
“Oh my, you poor thing. No wonder you haven’t attended. You must be busy with Hale claiming you and settling into life as bonded.”
“I had my first heat, but Hale hasn’t claimed me.” Lucinda’s eyes widened, and I pressed a handkerchief into her hand. I’d embroidered it the long nights when I relegated myself to the kitchen. A lavender bouquet in one corner, with an ornate L. I wanted to repay her for the sweet gift she gave me when we met.
“Oh, oh, how fine your needlework is, but you must tell me why—” Lucinda clutched my hand in hers, but Father Thomas cleared his throat, and our conversation was forced to wait. I settled myself on the pew, feeling like a pretender. Hale tugged at his collar, and I wondered if he was as uncomfortable as I was. The sermon created a stone in my stomach, and it dragged me deep into despair. The church was bitterly cold, and even now, I should’ve shivered, but I overheated instead. I fanned myself during Father Thomas’s dire words, and he pursed his lips in displeasure. All around us the pews creaked from shuffling Designated.
There was palpable tension. Was that my fault?
“We shouldn’t have come…your scent,” Hale muttered, looking straight ahead. He didn’t have to tell me what he meant. Every unbound alpha in the small space tossed looks at me. Some hungrier than others. I should have known better, but the anchoring scent of Ruck and Oliver was fading. Were we in danger? Panic shot down my spine. Ruck and Oliver were sitting next to Hale, and all three of them ground their teeth in a vicious chorus. Bram pinched his trousers and frowned. He could sense something was amiss, but not what.
“Dr. Goodman inspired this speech. A reminder of goodly virtues. How we should strive to emulate intelligence and logic. Those are the cornerstones of creating a good community.” Father Thomas’s gaze prickled over me, and several townspeople looked over their shoulders in my direction.
I could have melted through the floor. Lucinda’s hand fumbled for mine. Was it because I was distracting the unbound alphas? Or because he knew I was exactly what he preached against.
“Beware the call of your animal nature.” He frowned. “There is only one God, and he demands a high price from his subjects. We honor him with marriage. Humans rescued Designated from the peril of their natures, the base feral instincts that kept them in the dark ages. You must renounce your heretic gods and save your souls.” This time, it was Dr. Goodman who turned and stared. His beady eyes stabbed into me. “There are those who believe Designated should have kept their gods, their packs. But those old ways are perverse. A path of sin.”
Lucinda let out a soft noise, and I squeezed her hand. I wiped my forehead, sweat prickling at the overt notice I was getting. How could they know what happened during my heat? How did they know the weakness I showed in wanting a pack?
I thought of the offerings I’d made to the gods and wondered if it were true. Had I displeased the humans’ terrible, vicious god? Would he smite me for my faithlessness and lust?
“It’s almost over. Just breathe.” Hale whispered. His hand hovered over my knee before he snatched it away. I was grateful and saddened at the same time.
Claudia was in the front pew with her husband. He was wiry and thin, with a nose shaped like a beak. “Shameful conduct,” she clicked her tongue, and the acoustics of the building brought the words to my ears.
I flushed hot, my cheeks burned with embarrassment. How dare she judge me? When she’d chased Hale down while in the thick of her heat. But she was bonded and married. All her sins were forgotten and forgiven.
Now, there was a new omega to judge.
After Father Thomas finished his sermon, Hale bundled me out of the church. Lucinda called out goodbye, waving the handkerchief over the surging crowd. We passed Sheriff Peris and Nella, who also tried to speak to me. But Hale wouldn’t let me stop. There was a sense of urgency. Of balancing on a sharp edge and being close to breaking.
“Take her.” He grunted at Oliver, who appeared at my side.
“Why is everyone acting like they don’t know dung from honey today?” Bram asked as he vaulted into the back of the cart. I shrugged, unsure how to answer. Unbound alphas hovered close, their scents washing over me.
Sharp tree sap, berries in a cold snap, and fresh churned butter.
They didn’t move me. Not when I had Oliver, Ruck, and Hale so close. Nothing compared to them.
Oliver helped me into the cart, and it sickened me how much his touch soothed my bruised nerves. I couldn’t look him in the eye, not after what happened between us. Days of dodging the burn of their gazes. Their words echoed inside my mind. Of love. I’d long since dismissed their scent-addled confessions. It would only add to the madness of the situation. Ruck and Oliver tended to me for three days, which was bound to stir up some false type of affection.
They’d been inside me.
Over and over, I’d begged them, crawled over their willing bodies and lodged their hardness deep within. Two alphas who weren’t my husband. Hale busied himself with the horses, his jaw clenched as if he knew what my thoughts were. My body remained one giant mortified strawberry all week. I didn’t know how to reconcile the emotions fluttering underneath my ribcage. Or the images that flooded my mind in the middle of the night. How my hand stole between my thighs, like an animal.
Father Thomas was right. I must do better and be stronger.
Oliver squeezed in beside me, his legs pressed against mine as he stretched. I clenched my fingers on my dress, desperate not to show how his rich scent affected me. Orange rind, soaked in luscious wine. I wanted to rub myself in it like I’d been able to do during my heat.
“He’s wrong, y’know.”
“Sorry, who?”
“His holiness.” Oliver sneered. “Our gods were made in our image. Alpha, beta…omega. There’s nothing sinful about being Designated. No matter what they try to fill our heads with.”
Hale shot Ruck a glare as Ruck squeezed next to my free side.
“Are you going to take the reins as well?” Hale snapped.
Ruck shrugged and held out his hand. The tension between Ruck, Oliver, and Hale was physical weight. It constricted my chest and demanded my breath. Hale was my husband, but he didn’t want to be. My secret destroyed our brief romance. The stilted discussion after my heat did nothing to bridge the hurt between us.
Hale slapped the reins into Ruck’s outstretched grasp. “She’s my wife. It doesn’t look right.”
Hale flicked a look at Sheriff Peris, who loped toward us, rubbing the back of his neck. Nella tried to follow, but he waved her off. The kind beta raised her hand, and I waved in return. Dr. Goodman trailed after the sheriff, his face set with determination. Everyone loitered in Misery Creek after church, and a curious crowd milled around at a polite distance. I dripped with embarrassment.
“Hartlock, how ya doin’? Quite the sermon today.” He cleared his throat, tucking his hands behind his back. It was a position of peace, but the already present tension ratcheted higher. Oliver’s thigh pressed against mine for a moment before he shifted away. My skin crawled at the rejection, even though I understood it.
“Sheriff, what can I do for you?” Hale wiped away his displeasure, greeting him and the doctor. He readjusted his hat, taking in the curved path of the sun as if calculating the amount of sunlight left for our journey home.
“Look, you know I have the greatest respect for the Hartlock family,” the sheriff lowered his voice as Bram popped his head up over the side of the cart, nosy as always. Ruck reached back and gave him a soft cuff for eavesdropping. As if we weren’t all waiting with bated breath.
“I have a feeling I know where this is going.” Hale’s shoulder slumped forward.
“You can’t bring your wife in here until you’ve bonded her. I know, I know, you can simmer down with the look in your eye. A latent omega is a wonderful boon, and I’m pleased for you. But we’re all civilized folk here.” He gave a sidelong look at the doctor, who sidled up beside him with a glint in his eye. “Fact remains, she’s ripe as anything, and the sermon was one moment away from a riot. I can’t have alphas sniffing around an unbound omega. Obviously, her heat was recent because her scent is muted. But it’s not enough. You know what the consequences are of having her around when she’s close to another one.”
Claudia.
That’s what he was talking about, and Hale’s cheeks blanched, and he flicked a look at the ghost of his past. Claudia loitered outside the post office, twirling a lace-trimmed parasol that looked too fine and impractical for this small town. Hale’s lip curled up in disgust.
I shrank between the seats, struggling to breathe. I’d noticed more restless movement in the church today, but the way the sheriff phrased it doused me in shame. A chorus of growls went up from Hale, Ruck, and Oliver.
“I mean no disrespect.” Sheriff Peris inclined his head.
“So, you can scent how close she is to her heat?” Dr. Goodman flipped open a notebook and looked at the sheriff expectantly. “Do you feel an urge to claim her, even though she’s married to someone else?”
The bold question wrenched a soft, plaintive gasp from me, and Hale whipped a furious glare in his direction. I covered my mouth, leaning on Oliver in an unconscious effort to get away, an action that made him grind his jaw. The sheriff waved his hands, spluttering out an answer as his cheeks filled with color.
“I’m a bonded male. But regardless, it isn’t polite to mention such things, especially in front of her alpha.” He put emphasis on her alpha, and the distinction made Hale’s bunched shoulders drop an iota. I burned with equal parts shame and indignation while they continued to talk around me.
She, her, she.
Like I wasn’t even a person, just a body with a coveted label. My stomach turned. The doctor didn’t get the hint, approaching the cart and directing his next question to me. “You should have confided in me the other day, Esta. I’m your doctor. You can trust me. Now I know you’re an omega, I can test the viscosity of your slick, determine if you are—” Whatever the doctor intended to say next was spat into the dirt as Hale slammed his fist into the side of his face. The human sprawled on the ground with a high-pitched cry.
“Don’t you speak about Mrs. Hartlock that way.” Bram popped up, shaking his skinny fist with a righteous fury. A chorus of growls warned Dr. Goodman to move slowly, and Ruck wrapped his body around mine like a shell of protection. He grabbed my wrist and rubbed his thumb over my scent gland. The motion was so instinctive. He was protecting me the only way he knew how, by ingraining me with a non-permanent scent mark. My lips parted, and I met his burning, furious gaze. Hazel eyes churning with withheld anger.
Eyes so much like Hale’s.
My husband.
It should be him marking me. I jerked my wrist from Ruck’s hold, even as my body ached for his comfort. I looked under my lashes as the doctor scrambled to his feet, cupping his jaw.
“How dare you? I demand you arrest this animal.” His lips wobbled as he looked at the sheriff. The sheriff placed a hand on his shoulder and shook his head.
“Now, doctor, what did you expect? Speaking to an alpha’s wife about such intimate topics was foolish. I would have reacted in the same way. It would be best for everyone if you return to your clinic. And you,” he raised a bushy eyebrow at Hale, who was visibly shaking with anger. “Take your omega home, and don’t bring her back until she has your mark, understand?”
Hale gave him a curt nod before he looked at Ruck and jerked his head.
“Move.”
Ruck bristled, cutting off a low growl with a curse.
“I said I’d take the reins.” He tried to argue.
But Hale was close to combusting, and Ruck capitulated and jumped into the back of the cart. The wooden structure swayed with his silent annoyance. I felt like a piece of meat, especially when Hale squeezed in next to me and grabbed my wrist. He flicked the reins with one hand while he palmed my scent gland. Erasing the scent of Ruck, replacing it with his own. I was speechless at the desperate way his thumb swiped over my sensitive skin. He urged the horses to move faster with an impatient twist of his wrist.
“H-Hale.” I didn’t know what I wanted to say, only that his touch roused a heat I didn’t know what to do with.
Hale despised me because I was an omega. He’d left me at the height of my heat after stoking my fire so high I couldn’t complete it without help. He’d abandoned me in the throes of a burning primal trap, and the coldness of his action lingered. But now his fingers whispered ownership. Hale kept a tight hold of my wrist like a shackle, and I unconsciously turned toward Oliver.
His solid form steadied the slight shivers wracking my body. My stomach was a mess of knots, tangled with embarrassment and confusion. Oliver’s large palm landed on my knee, squeezing comfort now that we were away from the prying eyes of the township. I could have melted at the rush of warmth that flooded me.
“She’s mine. Take your hand off.” Hale snapped, but Oliver only snorted.
What was wrong with him? Why was he acting so possessive when he never wanted me once he found out my true designation?
“You don’t want her, not really. Or is it jealousy? Knowing you couldn’t be the alpha Esta needed.”
I whimpered as they glared daggers over my head. Why did his words hurt so much? They were the truth, after all. Hale released my wrist like it burned him, his hand rooting around in his jacket. He brandished a letter; the front garnished with a looping, elegant scrawl I recognized.
Birdie. My sister.
“A letter came for you. The answer you’ve been waiting for, I daresay.”
Hale’s rumbly voice rolled down my spine, and I shuddered in response. He still held the power to affect me. I took it from him with guarded fingers. The ride back home—no—to the Hartlock ranch passed in a blur. I traced the seam of the envelope, staring unseeing at the passing scenery. Hale backed the cart beside the barn without me registering. It was only when Oliver squeezed my knee did I unfurl from my tunnel of anxiety.
“We’ll give you some privacy to read it.” Hale tapped his hat against his thigh and hustled out of the barn. Ruck and Oliver lingered, brushing down the horses and filling up the trough for them until there were no more excuses to stay. I clambered down from the cart, my thighs burning from the cramped position. Watery terror turning my knees to liquid.
I wandered toward Dalton, hearing him snuffle in his stall. He was a looming shadow, uninterested in poking his head out like the other horses normally did. Dalton didn’t care for anything but freedom. Everything else was beneath him. I wish his spine of steel could fuse against mine. To give me the ability to let everything else roll off me. I could barely breathe as I turned the envelope over. I drew out the floral stamped paper and took in a whiff. My eyes filled with tears.
Birdie’s bookish scent wafted off the creased pages.
Dearest Esta,
I received your letter with the greatest joy; I praise the gods (in private) that your husband is as described and you are ensconced safely in his ranch. My worries have been constant. Father was furious to find you missing. Esta, he had plans for you he hadn’t shared with either of us.
You must not return to Breton City at any cost.
Father started wedding discussions with Mr. Baron. He promised your hand to him and kept it a secret, knowing you would never agree. Mr. Baron has torn the city apart to find you, and he’s furious to be thwarted. If you step one foot in the city, he’ll have you locked in his house, never seeing the light of day. He visited me and was very solicitous, attempting to charm me. But I know he is a monster, and you have the scars to prove it. I am devastated that Father put aside the wrongs Mr. Baron did to you for the access to society he offered.
As much as it hurts me, you must not write again. I cannot trust someone will not let slip you have written me. Mr. Baron is determined to have you, Esta, and I am afraid of what lengths he will go to. His is a dangerous obsession. You are safe and happy. That assuages the fear I have for you. Dearest sister of my heart, I love you endlessly and hope we will meet again one day.
All my love,
Birdie
I folded the pages with trembling fingers, sliding the letter back into the envelope with difficulty. My heart was a riot in my chest.
Daniel hadn’t forgotten me.
My absence only raised his ire. The man would never give up. I knew this. Not until he had every inch of me submitting to him. I don’t know why me, specifically. Marrying me would ruin his reputation as well.
He was a distinguished peer, a human with a spotless bloodline. And I was Designated. An omega, but what did that matter to a human? The amount of time Hale gave me was finite. My heat changed nothing between us, only added to the torture of being around him.
He hadn’t forgiven me an inch for my deception and now my choice was between going back to the suffocating, dangerous hold of Daniel, or taking my chances in the wild. I could continue running and hope I would find a safe place. It was unlikely. Daniel was a monster, but he wasn’t unique. There were a million just like him, human and Designated alike. I would trade one prison for the next. The uncertainty of what might befall me wasn’t worth it. My breath caught in my chest, and I choked on unsteady inhales as I weighed my options.
Perhaps there was a way I could explain to Hale the danger of Daniel. Maybe he would help me find an alpha who might allow me a place to live. My stomach roiled at the thought of being traded like an object. But I was a woman. An omega. There weren’t many choices allowed for me.
And what of Ruck and Oliver? They’d said they loved me. Could it be more than the heat haze? My heart strained toward two men who weren’t mine but had made a home in my chest either way.
Would they let me go? Would they fight for me?
“Was it from your sister?” Hale interrupted my anxious thoughts as he leaned on the doorway to the barn. My heart clenched at the sight of him, still dusty from the journey, a steak of dirt on his forehead where he’d obviously swiped his hand across it.
“Yes,” I answered, knowing he wouldn’t care for anything but directness.
He didn’t ignore me like before my heat. But was still reserved, and his words were like little treasures, their gruff cadence, a lump of caramel I could chew the sweetness off for hours. I imagined him saying them like in the beginning. Before Hale knew I was an omega. Scenarios just like this, when he came to me on bent knee, begged me to stay, and admitted he’d fallen in love with me. He’d pull me into his arms like during my heat, lock us together, and this time, he’d stay.
But those were fanciful dreams, as his next words cemented.
“I’ll book you a trip home on Monday. I settle the paperwork, so you don’t have to worry about that. Consider the marriage done.”
Done.
My wrist tingled with the phantom press of his thumb. I knew if I brought it to my nose, it would have his faint scent. But none of that mattered. Hale wiped his hands of me when he abandoned me in my most vulnerable moment. We were married, and he was discarding me again.
I expected tears to accompany the sharp stab in my chest. From his continued rejection. But I was numb. What was the point? Hale didn’t care. He’d closed himself to me entirely. He didn’t want me because of what I was. Despair was an icy creep that numbed my heart.
Daniel wanted me because of what I was.
Nobody cared for me except for Birdie, and I was estranged from her. A small voice niggled, reminding me of Oliver and Ruck. But did they care for me? They’d cared for me throughout my heat. Anything uttered in the haze of hormones and scent-driven lust couldn’t be trusted. Hale cleared his throat, and I moved my unfocused eyes to where he was still standing. He wanted me to respond.
“O-of course,” I whispered, my throat tight. What else was there to say?
Hale wouldn’t listen to any argument I made; the words were wasted on the bitter expanse of his chest. I looked away from him. It hurt too much. How easily he discarded me. Any hope I’d erroneously clutched onto shriveled into dust. I listened to the tentative shuffle of his boots. The way they dragged, as if he waited for me to call out, to beg him for a chance to stay.
I would never beg.
Dalton poked his regal head out of his stall, and I gasped as he pinned his knowing eyes on me. He snorted, bouncing his head. Dalton was free once, and now he was here until he capitulated for Ruck. But he hadn’t faltered. His pride was free of cracks. His patience unmarred. He would wait until the end of time, but he would never break. My heart swelled with sudden desire. I reached out, my fingers trembling in the air. Dalton’s eyes narrowed, and I waited for his ears to flick back and his teeth to reproach my skin. But he didn’t. His nose was soft, crushed velvet. Warm and quivering. He let me scratch at him, staying silent. The heaviness in my chest leached away as Dalton nudged my arm. As if he wanted sugar cubes, I normally brought Charlie.
If I could tame this wild creature, perhaps all was not lost.
An idea popped into my mind. Insane, terrifying, and stupid. But another possibility.
“Maybe you and I could help each other,” I whispered.