On Loverose Lane (Return to Dublin Street #1)

48. Beth

CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

BETH

T hings between Callan and I were great for a few days after our chat and after his meeting with Dad. He wouldn’t tell me what Dad had said to him, but he assured me it was all good and that Dad had invited Baird to Sunday dinner too. I took that as a positive sign.

However, Callan came home from training on Thursday in a horrendous mood because Gavin had shown up at the grounds again. This time drunk, pissed off, and threatening to sell lies to the tabloids if Callan didn’t give him money.

It seemed to be the last straw for Callan, who finally had him banned from the grounds.

Ever since, he’d been distant with me. Again.

“I’m not sure I can take it,” I told Mum forlornly.

We sat in a café not far from the university. I’d been into the studio to record an episode of Seek and You Shall Find . First, I’d chatted with Lily, Sierra, and Madison about ignoring the feud with the boys because it was derailing the podcast. Aye, it had brought in a lot of new listeners in the beginning, but their data showed they were losing listeners now. They agreed to let the rivalry go, and we discussed Social Queens taking them on as a client at a discounted rate.

Afterward, Mum met me for lunch. Ever since our talk at the weekend, she’d been calling and texting me every day. I knew she felt guilty, but I also wanted her to know she didn’t have anything to feel guilty about. Did it make me feel a million times better to know my mum understood exactly what it felt like to suffer with anxiety and panic attacks? One hundred percent. But her story was her story and like I’d needed time to tell mine, she was entitled to tell me hers when she was ready.

For now, I was happy to indulge her constant need to check in. I loved my mum. She was one of the coolest, smartest, funniest people I knew and one of my absolute favorite humans. And I loved spending time with her.

And right then, I needed Mum. I’d spent the last fifteen minutes telling her about Callan, Gavin, and this wall my boyfriend kept throwing up between us.

“You can’t take the distance?”

“I can’t take the up and down of it all. It plays into my anxiety, you know.” I chewed nervously on my lip. “When he puts up that wall, I start to catastrophize. He assures me he’s merely adjusting to being in a relationship, to feeling so much for me … but tell that to my head. Last night we were sitting on the couch, and I moved across it to snuggle into his side. I felt him tense up.” Hurt flared in my chest at the memory. “And then he abruptly announced he was tired and going to bed. Which he did, practically jumping out of my arms. It’s not his responsibility to change his behavior to avoid poking at my anxiety bear … but maybe this means we’re not compatible.” The thought was utterly heartbreaking.

Mum leaned forward. “Last weekend you were so sure you loved him.”

“I do.” Emotion squeezed my throat, and I had to take a second before I forced out, “Mum … since I was old enough to want romance, I’ve been searching for what you and Dad have. Something epic .”

She leaned over to squeeze my arm. “Baby …”

“You know what you two have is special.”

“I do.” Mum nodded. “It’s what’s kept us together through everything.”

“But it’s rare.”

“I know that too.”

“I think deep down, I believed I would never find it. That maybe proclaiming I was searching for that epic big love was an excuse to never let anyone close. Because surely our family had all the luck we were going to get in that department.”

“And yet …?”

“I’m so in love with him, Mum.” Tears burned my eyes. “And I know he loves me, but I don’t know if it’s enough. Every time he puts that hand up, keeps me at bay, my thoughts spiral. And I’m so scared he’ll end it and I won’t recover.”

Mum was quiet for a few seconds as she processed this. Then she offered quietly, “I feel like I know Callan. We haven’t met, but I have a sense of what’s shaped him because of our shared experiences.”

I nodded.

“Baby, I can’t even begin to tell you what I put your father through when we were first together. A lesser man, or maybe just a smarter man”—she smirked—“would have walked away. But he loved me so much, and I think he didn’t give up on me not just for himself, but for me too. Because he knew I needed someone to push me into living again. He didn’t want me to end up alone and afraid of life.”

My love for my dad only grew knowing how much he adored Mum. “So you’re saying, I need to be stronger. I need to hang in there.”

“It’s not about being stronger. And I would never tell you to ignore the boundaries you need in place for your own mental health. But I will say that if you really believe he loves you like you love him, the one thing that will get through to him is time . Over time, he’ll realize you’re not going anywhere. It’s what I needed. Your dad’s persistence assured me that he wasn’t going anywhere. Not if he could help it.”

I wanted to give that to Callan.

And I didn’t want my own anxiety to fuck things up between us.

I hadn’t let it win in the past, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let it win now. “Thanks, Mum.”

“Anytime.”

“I mean it. I know you’ve been kicking your own butt these last few days … but I need you to know I think I have the best mum on the planet. The best dad too. You’ve taught me not to settle for less than what I want in every aspect of my life. More than that, you’ve taught me that what we want doesn’t get handed to us … we have to work for it. I’m going to work for it, Mum. For him.”

Mum offered me an affectionate smile. “Proud of you, kid.”

“Proud of you.”