38. CT
38
ct
The wind is blisteringly cold.
I am enduring its icy feeling as I fix the fences along the valley. When the accident happened two days ago, cattle had tromped right through the fences in their fright, thankfully only getting superficial injuries.
Logan had gotten the cattle rounded up and the horses back down and safe, but he hadn’t had a chance to fix any fence.
It was a perfect job for me right now.
I couldn’t get out of my head.
Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Dani, unconscious, on the ground in front of me. I hate that visual, but it was what stuck with me.
Like a slideshow, visions of our last few months together flash through my mind. The look on her face when I held her as we danced at Bottle Grounds, the sight of her smile and pride when she did well with Lady at a show, the visual of her lying in my bed, wearing my blue Cinch shirt she loves on me, her hair tousled around her face as she lounges while reading a book on a lazy Sunday.
“Shit!” I rip my hand away from the fence where I just pinched my hand in the wire twist as I was tightening it.
I couldn’t find my gloves, and instead of being smart about it, I just skipped them to get the damn job done instead.
Now, my hand bleeding, I tug a rag out of my tool bag and press it to the wound, then lean back against the ATV I was using to get around and hang my head with a heavy sigh.
I hadn’t been able to get on a horse either.
I don’t know what my holdup is with that, but every time I picture it, I see Dani getting thrown and get pissed at myself all over again.
It was me who had asked her to get on those horses and help me out. I was the one who put her in danger. I was the one who made the choice that ended with her in the hospital.
I raise my head, my eyes burning as the wind slaps me in the face.
We’re expecting snow tonight. It’s a little earlier than usual for snow here, what with Thanksgiving only a week away, but this high in the mountains, the elevation made for an early winter.
It felt like a shift here on the ranch, not only that, but a shift in life, and I wasn’t sure what direction it was going to take.
I hadn’t thought that there would come a time when I could win Dani back just to lose her.
“Hey,” I hear from behind me and see Graham, on horseback, behind me. My dad is with him on his own horse.
I frown at the pair of them. “Hey,” I grumble out, throwing the rag back into the tool bag and tugging my hat down. I officially made the switch to felt as the weather cooled.
“This where your cattle ran through?” Graham asks, dismounting and tying General to the handlebar of the ATV. Dad follows suit, tying to the back end.
“Yeah.” I nod, watching Graham taking the fencing pliers out of the tool bag and going to work on the fence. “I’ve got it.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t be a stubborn asshole. You’re bleeding.”
Dad comes over and stands next to me, bundled up in a thick coat, the wind making the skin under his graying beard red. “What are you doing, son?”
I wait, eyes wide and confused. “I’m fixing the fence.”
He shakes his head. “That’s not what I mean. Dani’s dad just stopped by, was wondering if you were okay. Said he hadn’t seen you at the hospital, and Dani was asking about you.”
Guilt comes over me, and I swallow down deep. “I’m sure she’s fine.”
Graham pauses and looks over at me. “‘Sure she’s fine?’”
“What the hell does that mean?” my dad asks.
I swallow hard and prepare myself for the reaction to what I’m about to admit. “I haven’t been to see her, but she was with her folks.”
My brother stops what he’s doing and looks me over. He tosses the fencing pliers in the tool bag and puts his hands on his hips. “Your woman was hurt. In the hospital. She’s asking for you, and all you have to say is you’re sure she’s fine?”
I forcefully shove my hands into the pockets of my coat, scraping my bad hand as I go, but I can’t find it in me to care. “I made sure she was with people who would take care of her.”
Graham and Dad look at each other, then my dad turns back to me. “Son, you should be with her. Graham and I can help the boys out with stuff around here. Go be with her.”
I shake my head, biting the inside of my cheek. “I?—”
“Cade, is this about what you said to me? About her being sick?” my brother asks, his tone softer than normal.
I just clench my teeth and stare at him, the images helping themselves to taunt my brain. Dani unconscious. Dani on the ground. Dani in the hospital.
My chest seems to move on its own and suddenly, I can’t catch my breath. My eyes fill with tears, and I have to take my hands out of my pockets, using them to brace myself on my knees.
“Hey, hey,” Dad says, placing a hand on my back.
“Breathe, Cade. In and out,” Graham coaches me.
I can hear him, but it’s muffled. He gets down in front of me, making himself eye level with me.
“That’s it, deep breath in.”
I copy his movements, feeling the tears slide down my face.
“Let it all back out. Again.”
My chest feels tight, I can’t seem to stop the tears that flow from my eyes, and I nearly fall to the ground in my panic.
It takes several long minutes for me to calm down, for my breathing to get back to normal. Finally, I feel calm enough to stand, and they guide me to sit on the ATV, both watching me with worry on their faces.
“Now that that’s over,” Dad starts calmly. “Care to tell me what’s going on?”
I don’t reply but take off my hat and run a hand through my hair.
Graham decides to fill him in. “Cade is worried about being with Dani because he doesn’t want to go through what you had to when Mom died.”
I glance up, gauging my dad’s reaction. He stares for a moment, then bites his lip and shakes his head. “I understand.”
It’s not what I was expecting, but I ask in a low voice. “You do?”
“Of course, son.” He sighs, shoving his hands in his coat pocket and looking at the scenery around us. “Losing your mom was the worst kind of pain.” I feel a stab of pain in my chest at his words, just at the mention of what we went through. “It was torture, watching the love of my life leave me slowly, watching how every day she faded just a little more. No longer was she the vibrant, beautiful young woman who I raised children with, but someone who was so sick she couldn’t even find it in herself to get out of bed again.”
I shake my head, staring down at my hands. “See? I can’t fucking take that again. I can’t watch anyone else I love die.”
Graham crosses his arms, but he doesn’t say anything else, just nods with sympathy. Dad, on the other hand, seems to get pissed off. “You think that I wanted that to happen, Cade? No, of course not. I didn’t expect her to get sick. I didn’t expect to have to watch the love of my life die when we were still so young.”
He glances back out over the mountains then to Graham and me. “But I wouldn’t change a single thing. Your mom was the best. I loved her with everything I had, and she gave me the best years of my life.” His eyes glisten, and I look away. “She gave me you boys. Without you two, we wouldn’t have Quinn or Alex.” Graham looks to the ground, seeming troubled just hearing that. “And you wouldn’t have Dani. So, are you really going to let this happen? You’re really going to let that woman go when you have a shot at happiness? Your mom would never want you to be alone. She would have wanted you to have Dani, just like I had her. Even if it’s for a short time, life is short for all of us, son.” He sighs, tears in his eyes as he looks down over the mountains that surround us, the wind still whipping up the valley. “You’re going to let that all go out of fear?”
I think about his words, and deep down, I know he’s not wrong. But I can’t stop picturing her in the hospital, hurt and not waking up.
“I don’t know.”
Dad sighs, and I see Graham shake his head out of the corner of my eye. I hang my own, not wanting to see their disappointment.
“Well, you’d better figure it out. People like Dani don’t hang around forever.”
I know my dad’s words are true, I know that he is right. Problem is, I don’t know what I could do to fix myself.
To fix my brain to see reason.