39. Dani
39
dani
I was good at holding grudges. I was even better at knowing when I wasn’t wanted.
I’d spent six years away from Cade, away from all the Trevors, knowing that my presence wasn’t wanted—or I had assumed it wasn’t.
Now, after I’d been home for a day and am dealing with a stupid cast on my arm—I was right, pulling up my pants was difficult—I am having a mixture of feelings.
That unwanted feeling is present, making my brain think illogically and tell me that Cade didn’t want me anymore.
But when I shut that part of my brain up and focused, I could logically realize that that wasn’t what it was at all. The big, strong man that I love was hurting and needed a push.
I sneak out of the house, thankful my dad is supposed to be around for anything I need because he was easy to sneak around. But the last thing I needed was for my daddy to drive me to my boyfriend’s house.
So I leave, hopping slowly into my truck and taking off before he can stop me. I couldn’t sit around and wait any longer.
It’s only been a couple of days and already it feels like there is now a chasm growing between Cade and me the longer we go without speaking.
When I pull up to the barn, no one is in sight, and I slump in my seat. Maybe no one is even here, but then again, if no one was here, where could he be?
I head inside anyway. He could have just walked over here. I see Lady right away, her head sticking out of her stall, and I walk over to her to give her a pat. General whinnies through the bars, wanting attention for himself, and I rub his head with my good arm. “Can’t stand to not get attention, huh?”
I look around the barn. It smells clean, so someone has been in here working today. It was only midafternoon. Surely someone is working today.
I walk around, checking the tack room and arena. Both are empty.
I let out a slow breath, then sigh as I crack my neck, annoyance coursing through me. I’ll just have to come back later when I know he’s here.
Just as I head out of the barn, I see him walking toward it from the direction of the apartment, his hands are tucked into his coat pockets, and he’s got his felt cowboy hat pulled down low on his head.
Even pissed, I can recognize how handsome he is, how cowboy he is, and I can a thousand percent say that I will love this man until my last breath, even if he can’t push away his fears long enough to do the same.
But…I can’t just let him walk away from us like he’s doing, to hide behind the demons that haunt him.
When he gets close enough, his head tilts up to look at me, and I see the dark circles underneath his eyes. He’s tired, wrung out, heartbroken.
And in that moment, my heart experiences a break that I don’t see coming. In front of me is the man I have loved from the time I was young.
He was also the man who almost lost the love of his life because of fear.
The boy who had lost his mother.
The boy whose brother was gone in his time of need.
Maybe he hadn’t been able to cope as well as I thought .
Maybe Cal hadn’t seen that he was grasping at straws for how to deal with life, that he was struggling because he was dealing with his own heartbreak. He pushed himself to work to get rid of the things he loved because he was broken, feeling unworthy.
“Hey,” I call out, stepping closer to him. I give him a small, timid smile. “How are you doing?”
His eyes stray immediately to the cast on my arm, and I brace myself for some form of blame that he would place on himself.
“How are you? How’s your arm?” He steps close enough that I can smell him, and I have to hold myself back. Right now isn’t the time to jump into his arms, even if I want nothing more than to do just that.
I lift the cast, looking it over. “Arm’s okay.” I nod. “Though it’s kind of annoying.”
“And your head?”
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cade look more vulnerable than he does right now. It’s almost a humbling experience. “It’s alright. They kept me overnight just to monitor me, but so far, no signs of crazy.” My joke falls flat as Cade stares at my arm some more. “Aw, come on, that was funny.”
In a rare sighting, Cade pulls his hands out of his coat pockets and grabs his hat, tossing it on the ground in frustration. I stare at the discarded hat in shock. “None of this is funny, Dani!”
For a moment, I don’t know what to say. Hell, I don’t even know how to act. I take a tentative step toward him. “Cade?—”
“No,” he interrupts, his expression furious. “No, I’m sick of everyone telling me to get over this. You could have been seriously hurt, and I can’t stop thinking about it! I can’t tell my brain, ‘She’s fine.’” His chest moves up and down rapidly, his hands flinging out to his sides, his eyes wide and furious. “I can’t stop thinking about you getting hurt.”
“Cade, I’m fine. Seriously.”
“It could have been worse.” He shakes his head, his hands moving to his hips. His eyes close as if he’s in pain. “It could have been so much worse.”
His rebuttals make me mad, and the crack in his voice has my own emotions stirring, but I finally lose my patience and let everything that’s been simmering below the surface explode into the air around us.
“Well, stop it!” I yell, frustrated that I can’t shove him with my arm in a cast.
“Stop what?” he asks, hands on his hips, his posture defensive.
“Stop being a coward!” I finally let loose. “You know what you do when you fall off a horse? You get back on! So, so, so…” I let out a growl before throwing my good hand up. “Man up!” Cade’s eyes widen just fractionally. Frankly, I’m surprised I said it too. But I’m sick and tired of being held back from things over fear. “If you want this to work, if you want a future with me, then you have to be man enough to freaking take it. Do you?”
“Do I?” he replies as he starts to pace.
“Do you want a future with me, yes or no?”
He spins, pacing away before turning back toward me, and it’s not only frustration that I see on his face but also fear. Plain and simple fear. “Of course I do! But it’s not that easy. I’m terrified,” he slaps his thigh. “I am fucking terrified at the thought of losing you.”
I take a breath. I try to see his side. “Cade,” I start, lowering my voice. “We don’t know the future. We don’t know when I’ll die or if I’ll get sick?—”
“Don’t say that,” he interrupts forcefully. “Don’t fucking say you’ll get sick. I can’t fucking take it.”
“I know.” I nod, moving a step closer. “I know you can’t, baby, but that’s life. On the flip side,” I continue, “I may live to be a hundred. I may give you ten babies, a life full of laughter and love and fighting, I may be the one that has to watch you fade.” My eyes well with tears just from the thought, but I shove it all down. “But that’s how life goes. It’s not easy or fair.”
His breathing has calmed down, and his hands return to his hips. His hat is still on the ground where he threw it.
“If you want a life with me, it comes with the unexpected. Hell, if you want a life with anyone, that’s how it goes.”
Though I think the words penetrate, he shakes his head anyway. “I just can’t stop thinking about it.”
I sigh. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. He’s clearly struggling, given that he wouldn’t even talk to me for two days. “Well, I don’t know how to help you with that.”
His look at me shows me that he wasn’t expecting me to give up.
“I want to,” I clarify, rubbing my good hand over my leg nervously. “But I’m afraid you won’t let me.”
He opens his mouth to speak, and I find myself holding my breath, hoping that whatever is about to come out of his mouth will be the magic words that fix the mess we’re in.
But…the words don’t come.
It’s then that my hope breaks just a little, and the tears I’d been holding back with my frustration fall. I gasp at the pain I feel in my chest, and Cade steps forward, his expression broken.
“Dani,” he croaks. “I don’t know how to fix this.”
I try to gather my composure, but it’s hard. “I don’t either,” I admit, wiping under my eyes with the back of my hand. “I’m gonna go.”
At that, his foot shuffles forward, and he reaches out, but I take a step back, trying not to let him come closer. Trying not to give him another chance to break my heart. “Dani, you’re upset. I don’t want you to drive. Please don’t drive.”
That was it. That was all he had to say after everything, and for whatever reason, that being his concern had an ironic smirk crossing my lips.
And for the first time in my life, I was at a loss for words.
“Dani.”
I don’t look back when I get in my truck and drive off down the driveway.
Though, when I get to the end of it, when I’m out of sight from the barn, I pull over to the side of the road, and I let myself fall apart.
I let myself cry the tears I held back in hopes he would work past the fear and be strong enough to be with me.
I let myself be the one to feel the fear of losing the only man I’ve ever loved.