44. Dani
44
dani
This morning, I woke up, and the sun was shining, some birds were even chirping, and there were no clouds in sight.
It was a direct contrast to my mood.
I didn’t have to see my happy parents this morning, as they had something going on, so it was quiet in the house, and I was grateful.
I slowly got myself dressed, opting for a tank top under my hoodie since I could barely get anything over my cast. And yes, pulling my pants up is still a pain.
Boots on, I got into my truck and headed to the ranch. My trailer was already there, so I would have to hook it up, get Lady and go.
Aveline had called and said they didn’t think they needed me today, so I had the whole day to get Lady and bring her home.
Then I would plan my next move .
I was sad as I drove, thinking about leaving Three Rivers for the last time, but I couldn’t come back once I left, knowing that the man I loved wasn’t ready to love me back.
I hate that I haven’t heard from him, hate that he was out of town, and no one knew where he was or what he was doing. It made me worry that something was wrong.
Thinking about leaving Colorado burned my chest. I always thought this would be my home forever. I never aspired to leave the state. To find a new home. I enjoyed traveling, exploring fresh places when I could afford it, but I always looked forward to coming home after the trips were done.
I pulled down the lane to the barn, knowing that this was just a phase, just a part of life that I was going to have to deal with. Tears and all.
I pull up near my trailer and back up to it before hopping out and releasing my tailgate. I have to jack the trailer up a little before I back in and get the trailer attached. I hate connecting and disconnecting the trailer, especially with this stupid cast on my arm, but it is a necessary evil.
Hearing the spurs before I see a person, I wait with bated breath to see if it’s one of my cousins or Cade.
“Hey, Dani.” My eyes close automatically at the sound of his voice, and I let out a deep, slow breath. I can’t let only the sound of his voice affect me so much. “Can we talk?”
I stand straight, my focus shifting away from the trailer to the man and brace myself when I see him standing there, a black vest over a black button-down, nice jeans, and boots, and his felt cowboy hat clean and crisp. He looks like he’s going somewhere nice. His hair is tucked neatly behind his ears, his beard trimmed and neat.
“What do you need to discuss?” My words are cold and unfriendly, and he notices straight away.
He clears his throat, his thumbs tucking into the front pockets of his jeans. “I know the way we left things was horrible.” He nods his head. “I was a coward. You were right.” I tilt my chin up and go to cross my arms before remembering that I can’t and sigh. “I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings, my emotions. I was all over the damn place.”
“What’s your point, CT?”
He flinches a little when I use his nickname, but I can’t let him get to me. He’s had plenty of time to come talk to me, plenty of chances.
Stay strong , I tell myself .
“I have a couple.” He shuffles a couple of steps forward. “One is, I don’t want you to take Lady home.”
I blow out a breath. “I can’t afford you.”
“You don’t have to pay, Dani.” His voice hardens with anger, and I bet he’s pissed he even has to say it, but as of our last conversation, I don’t know where we stand. “I’d never make you pay, of all people.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m taking that job in Texas.”
I’m not sure if I say the words to be spiteful, to get a reaction, but I just need to erect a wall between us, something that will protect me.
“Dani.” He licks his lips, sighing heavily. “I don’t want you to go.”
He opens his mouth to continue, and I allow a burst of emotion to swoop into my next words. “I don’t want to go, but I can’t stay here.” I blink back tears, the wind sweeping through this valley unhelpful in my quest to keep my eyes dry. “I can’t stay where I thought I’d always have a home, only for it to be ripped away from me again!”
“Your home is here!” He presses his fist to his chest, his eyes tracking back and forth between mine and my breath hitches at the sight of his desperation. “Your home is with me. Stay here. Build a life with me.”
Tears escape my eyes, and I shake my head. All I want, all I yearn to do, is step forward into his arms. He’s sincere. I don’t doubt that. He’s here, making this effort, but I’m terrified that I’m being careless with myself—with my heart—if I give in.
His keeps watching me, probably seeing how wary I am about him. “How can I?” I narrow my eyes, my breath coming out in puffs. “How can I stay? How can I trust you when every time I think we’re on the brink of something great, you turn your back on me?”
He marches toward me, my back hitting my trailer, and his eyes glued to mine, shifting between them as he stares me down. “I’ve run away for fear of something out of my control. I’ve fucked up. You’re right.” He gives a small, sad shake of his head. “You don’t have to trust me to know, to believe, that I love you.”
Tears fill my eyes as his brows crease in agony. His hand comes up to cup my jaw, and my good arm moves, fingers latching on to his forearm.
Though I don’t know if it’s to pull him away or beg him to stay.
“I love you, Dani. I love you with everything I’ve got.” I sniff as more tears stream down my face. “If what it takes is following you to Texas, being your support and the one you lean on, then fine.” He nods at my trailer. “We’ll leave today. Right now.”
I shake my head, sniffling. “Cade.”
“Hold on,” he commands, and I blink in surprise when he presses his forehead to mine. “I’m not done. You wanted me to talk, and I agree I should have done it then, but I’ve had to work some shit out, and I’m going to tell you now. I know what I have to say, so if you’ll just hear me out. Please.”
I debate for a moment, but when he continues talking, I realize that he’s not actually interested in an answer from me.
“I’m sorry.” His voice is as rough as his apology, but the earnest expression on his face is real. “I’m so fucking sorry for how I treated you. You weren’t wrong in your assessment of me. I am terrified. I am a coward. I’ve been through it and placed the wrong assumptions on our relationship—or rather, on the future of it. Assuming that one of us would end up sick or hurt or worse when you were right, I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I have no idea.”
I don’t reply, letting him speak his piece.
His grip tightens on the back of my head, and I can barely breathe with him so close, but I also don’t want to push him away. “I also need to tell you that I’m seeing a therapist.”
I look at him in surprise. “A therapist?”
He nods, a vulnerable expression passing over his face. “I realized that I wasn’t ever going to get over my worries about the future unless I dealt with it. I have anxiety about my mom’s death, about our relationship, but I haven’t ever faced it. I’ve always just pushed the thought aside, and that’s what I did with you the last few months until you got hurt. I was able to just ignore it all and pretend that I didn’t have this worry inside of me. Then you did get hurt, and it all bubbled to the surface until it strangled me.”
“Cade,” I say softly, but he shakes his head.
“I have to be better,” he says, licking his lips. “I have to keep working on myself so that I can have a future. So that I can have a future with you, if you’ll have me.”
I hold my breath, wishing I could still cross my arms to form a barrier of sorts. Up until five minutes ago, I truly thought that he wouldn’t be able to give me what I needed, that I wasn’t enough for him.
Now the perspective has shifted, and I’m having a hard time shifting with it so suddenly.
I clear my throat and whisper, “So, what’s the other thing?”
He smiles, and it’s broad and happy and amazing to see. It reminds me of the old Cade, the one who was perpetually happy, the Cade he was before his mom passed. The Cade I fell in love with.
“I have to show you that one.” He holds out his hand for mine, and I hesitate. “If you’re willing, I’d like to walk you over to it.”
“I don’t know, Cade.” I take a breath, placing my hand on his chest. “This is a lot.” My lip trembles as I think of everything we’ve been through. “I thought we were…”
Cade lets his hand drop and steps into me, again, his face tormented with vulnerability. “I know what you must be thinking, what you must have let yourself think over the last couple of weeks, and I wanted to come to you.” He swallows. “But I didn’t want to show up only for you to have more questions that I couldn’t answer.”
I take a breath. “But now you suddenly have everything figured out?”
“Not at all,” he admits, laughing, shaking his head. “Fuck, I still have a shit ton of things to work on. I know that just as well as you do. But I couldn’t let you go to Texas, not without you knowing I am working on this, on myself, because I believe in us. Even if it took me a minute to get my head around it.” He pauses for a minute, then holds his hand out to me again. “Is there any chance you could give me this chance? I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m asking anyway.” His voice is firm and steady, and he looks like a man on a mission, a man willing to let all of his vulnerabilities show to make a statement, to prove to me that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to show me he’s in this.
I debate for a moment. Placing my hand in his will speak words that I’m terrified to utter for fear of all of this being ripped away from me again.
It will say I’m accepting his apology, that I’m willing to keep placing my heart on the line, to keep placing it in his hands.
I hesitate, my heart pounding in my chest, then, with a small reluctant smile that I try to conceal, I reach for him.