45. CT
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With her hand in mine, we start walking. Just this right here, her by my side, our hands clasped together, makes everything feel lighter.
She’s the puzzle piece that I’m missing when she’s gone.
I missed her like hell, even as I was in my own head, allowing shit like grief to overwhelm me. I missed her.
She’s been this light in my life from the time I was young. She was the one who brought out the happy side of me.
I remember back to being a teenager who was completely infatuated with his girlfriend, and my mom would look at me whenever Dani would head home or I would get home from seeing her, and she would just smile at me.
“What?” I would ask gruffly as she dried a dish or folded clothes while I rummaged in the kitchen for food, a blush rising to my cheeks at the look Mom would give me, a teasing smile on her face.
“Oh, nothing,” she would say, sending me a wink and making my dad chuckle. Whatever she was thinking, he knew.
I remembered this a couple of weeks ago and asked Dad about it. He smiled, shaking his head, and said, “Son, your mama always knew.”
“Knew what?” I asked.
“That that girl was the one for her boy. She knew it the moment you two met when you came home chatting about some girl you’d met at recess. Your mama knew her son’s heart had been stolen.”
I glance over at Dani now, smiling as the memories spill through my mind.
If I needed anyone’s approval, it would have been my mom’s, and she knew long before I did that we were meant to be, that we were basically destined to end up together.
We continue to walk, the brisk breeze of winter brushing over our cheeks while we stroll. The ground was covered in a frost from the night before, adding to the chill, even with the sun shining brightly overhead.
My fingers twitch with the need to sweep the hair blowing across Dani’s cheek behind her ear, but I refrain.
I feel fortunate enough to hold this woman’s hand. I don’t know how my surprise will come across. I am hopeful that she would see it for what it was.
An option for her, the only option for myself.
I force away the negative thoughts that would naturally consume my brain in this kind of situation, the ones that would tell me that it wasn’t worth the rejection, that it wouldn’t work out and that it was better to ignore it than to pursue an option that I wasn’t totally sure would work out, that even though things aren’t perfect right now, it could turn bad, and I could lose her.
I force it away because Dani would always be worth risking my heart for.
She was the only one who I would want to risk my heart for.
Cresting over the hill in our little hike, we come upon a clearing, one that is now marked with orange string in a large rectangle.
“What’s this?” Dani asks, a little puff escaping her from the hike and the cold air. She raises her left arm, hindered slightly by the cast and blows warm air onto her fingers.
“This is…a future.” I think about the words I want to say. I’ve done nothing but think of them for days. I turn to face Dani, and she glances at me, then back to the marked-off space.
“Dani,” I start. “When we were young, we talked about a future. We talked about getting married, about having a family. We imagined building our own home here on the ranch, growing our family, and working together.”
Realization sparks behind her eyes, and they gloss over, but she purses her lips and turns her gaze back to the spot.
“There’s nothing in the world I have wanted more than I want you.” I feel heat sting my eyes, and I swallow hard, keeping a tight grip on her hand in mine. “I want you,” I repeat, my voice rough with emotion. I smile at her. “I want a home with you, a family with you, a life with you. Hard times, good times, sick times, fun times. I want it all with you, Dani West.”
Tears spill from her eyes when she turns to look at me again, and her hand that she was blowing hot air into catches some of her tears. I reach forward, cupping her cheek and pulling her closer to my body.
I want to surround her with love, care, comfort, and support, with everything I have to give to her and anything left over. “Dani, I know I’ve messed up more than once. I know I’m not perfect, and I’ll never claim to be, but I know I can work through my shit.” I pause, looking at my thumb that rubs over her cheek. I gather my words, wanting to say something about being able to accomplish that with her by my side.
But that wouldn’t be fair to her. It wouldn’t be fair to tell her I could only be better if I had her. She had to know that it wasn’t on her for me to be better. Would it help me to have her with me? Absolutely.
Would I let myself spiral if she left me?
Fuck. I blink away tears at the thought. No, I wouldn’t spiral. It would be harder to find motivation, but I wouldn’t let it hurt me mentally because I can only imagine how disappointed she would be in me if I let that happen.
“Cade,” she whispers.
My eyes snap back to hers, and she leans into my hand.
“I only ever wanted to be with you,” she chokes out, swallowing hard. “I know you’re not perfect, but neither am I. I can’t even make bacon, for crying out loud!” She blinks and shakes her head while I hold back a chuckle. “I never take my truck in for an oil change, and I let my phone die, then I lose it all the time. I never wear matching socks, and sometimes I don’t shave in the winter because it’s so much work.” I let out a little laugh when she does. “I’m nowhere near perfect. I’m never going to ask you to be perfect, either. I just want you to love me.” She swallows hard, and I have to fight down my own emotions. “To fight through the hard times with me and to promise that no matter how tired, frustrated, scared, or worried you are, you’ll always talk to me. No more turning your back on us.” Dani shakes her head. “I deserve better than what you’ve been giving me.”
The slam to the chest hits hard, and I let my shoulders drop, shaking my own head. “I know.” I lick my lips, my eyes looking between hers. “I know you do, and I’m going to do everything I can to never have you doubt us again.”
To my relief, she gives me a small smile, and I take another step forward. I wrap my arm around her waist until there’s no space between us, then she says, “Our love isn’t meant to be perfect, but I was always meant to love you, good times and bad.”
I shake my head, almost shocked at what I’m hearing because it’s exactly what I hoped for. “Fucking hell.” I press my forehead to hers, gripping the back of her head in my right hand, my left arm wrapped around her and our boots kissing. “I love you so fucking much.”
I feel her cheeks rise against mine in a smile. “I love you, too.” Her hand comes up and brushes against my cheek. “Are you crying?”
“Fuck yeah, I’m crying. I was almost stupid enough to lose you.” I press my lips to hers, memorizing every moment of the way her lips feel against mine.
I can’t believe I almost fucked this all up, but I was here now.
She was here now.
It was now on me and her to keep us together, to work through our shit and not run away from the hard stuff. That was more me than her. When my girl wanted to, she was as pushy as a mare, always willing to do whatever it took to get her way.
I love that about her too.
“So.” She clears her throat, her cheeks red with the cold and a blush. I can’t help but smile at the sight. Turning, she gestures to the space in front of us. “What is this exactly?”
“This is our home, honey,” I say, tucking her into my side and looking over the space.
She raises her brows at me and says, “You really want to build a home? ”
“I got a loan,” I admit. “Had Mr. Blake come out and check it out. He’s working up the first round of designs for us.”
Genuine shock crosses her face. “Wait, so you really are building a house? This wasn’t just a metaphor?”
“It’s real, Dani. You and me. This will be it, so long as you agree. Or we can move to Texas because if that’s what you want, then I’ll follow you.”
She rests her hand on my chest, right over the very heart she owns, and says, “I never wanted to leave. But I couldn’t stay and not be in love with you. No matter how hard I tried before, I couldn’t let you go.”
“I’m never letting you go again,” I tell her, my voice rough. “I’ll do whatever you want us to do, so long as I get to keep you by my side.”
Her eyes mist up again, and I feel like maybe I fucked it up until she turns and jumps into my arms, a squeal escaping her. I grip her tightly, spinning her around and laughing when she covers my face with kisses, her cast awkwardly hitting me in the shoulder.
When she calms down a bit, she looks down at me from where I’m holding her in my arms, her legs wrapped around my waist. “You’re building us a house.”
I shake my head, my eyes tracing over her features and memorizing every freckle. “No, honey, we’re building ourselves a home.”