11. Chapter 11
Chapter 11
Rowland
I open my eyes and for a moment I’m confused why I see the light outside.
No alarm? Right, it’s Friday. And the school holidays. Thankfully for me, what would have usually meant getting violently woken up by Mac a few hours early was instead a peaceful sleep, since Shawn’s school break happened to be at the same time.
That kid loves no one more than his big brother. Him leaving for college has been hard on Mac, so it’s good Shawn is finally back home for a while.
With a deep exhale, I stretch out on the bed. It’s been a while since I overslept. My back feels tight, so I sit up and do some more stretching. I hear voices and TV from downstairs. Mother said she would come today. Is she already here?
I get up, rubbing my face. As I try to put myself together in the bathroom, I notice how disheveled I look. I need to shave. The longer my facial hair gets, the more I look like Dad, meaning I look ten years older.
Work has consumed me lately, or rather, I consumed myself in it.
After a shower and general cleanup, I put on some clothes and pause by my phone sitting on my bedside table. My fingers twitch in some impulse to reach for it, but I clench my teeth and walk out of the room instead. I push the dull pain down. Away.
He hasn’t messaged, and he won’t. That much is clear. It took me a while to see, but eventually I did. Ever since our last date, after making sure I was okay, Dayton’s messages got progressively more detached. What was a smooth stream of welcoming conversation before became messages with less and less opportunity to respond and keep it going.
I’m angry at myself for still being hung up about it, and even more angry for causing it in the first place. There’s no one else to blame but me.
Enough pity , I order myself. Walking out onto the landing, I take a deep breath, settle my mind, and straighten my back. The lovely scent of pancakes comes to me as I walk down the stairs. Mother and Shawn are by the stove, with all the ingredients messily spread out across the counter, chatting about something.
I focus on their conversation over the screaming of Mac’s cartoon.
“He was never like this before, right? Not even after Mom. He held it together in front of us at least. I know I’ve been gone, but…come on. This isn’t like him.”
Mom sighs, shaking her head. “I know. I think he really cared for that young man. I wouldn’t think it would affect him this much. But what can I do? I've tried everything. ”
“I don’t know, Gran. Mac told me he barely sees him. He’s just like Grandpa, running away from problems by overworking himself,” Shawn mutters, until he turns his head slightly and catches me in his peripheral vision. Widening his eyes, he glances at Mother and they both turn to me as I approach.
So much for ignoring my problems for the sake of today’s mood.
“Is it really necessary to ponder about the state of my mental health out loud in front of him?” I murmur with a frown, hinting at Mac. Before they can respond, I push by with a tired sigh to turn on the coffee machine in the back corner of the counter. “Hey, bean,” I shout at Mac, clasping my favorite mug he painted for me in hand.
He turns around on the couch. My stomach twists, seeing the uncharacteristic lack of boisterous energy on his face. He smiles, but in a strange, sad way. “Morning,” he says before quickly turning to the TV again. Only then do I notice Mina on the other side of the couch, phone in hand, headphones on as always. This time she doesn’t really even acknowledge me, giving that brief, disdainful glance she always shoots around her like a weapon to Mac instead.
God, what is it now?
“He’s worried. I keep telling you he hears everything you say,” I push through my teeth without looking at Mother or Shawn behind me. In reality, the person I’m more angry at is myself. I’m the one making everyone tense. I’m the one clearly failing as a father.
“Dear, we were just—”
Placing my hands on the counter, I take another breath to center myself again. I need to try harder. I need to do better.
“We should go out today,” I say decisively while the coffee fills my cup.
Shawn leans on the counter next to me, clearly trying to see my expression, so I cock a brow and flash him the most believable smile I can muster.
“After breakfast. Stop worrying and make sure you don’t burn those pancakes, you two.” With no more arguments, I weave between them and go sit next to Mac. “How about roller skating? We haven’t done that in a while,” I propose, tapping my hand playfully on Mac’s knee. He still seems low, but his eyes light up a little, and that’s all I need right now.
I can fix this mess. I can make it better.
I have to.
I make it my mission for the rest of the day to make it a nice family outing. Whatever dark feelings are weighing me down, I delude myself into believing that they don’t even exist. I force that chatty, playful part of me out, no matter how much energy it seems to take. I leave Mina alone to not create any more tension. I pay attention to Mac, and I make sure to get everyone exactly what they like. Because seeing my family content has always been the one thing that's made me happy, no matter my problems.
We skate for a good few hours and go for a meal before driving out of the city for a nice stroll in nature.
Mother complains about her aching back by the end. Mina follows us like a ghost. Shawn races Mac up and down the surrounding hills, until Mac gets tired, and I put him on my shoulders for the rest of our walk to the car.
I put him back on his feet in front of it. “Alright. Say goodbye to Grandma,” I tell him, nudging him towards Mom. She gives him a hug, then Shawn, before stopping by me and making that pitying expression again before hugging me as well. “Drive safe,” I tell her and wave, waiting for her to get in a leave before strapping Mac in.
Shawn goes to sit in the front while Mina already takes her seat in the back. Mac stands by the open car door, not getting in, so I kneel in front of him. “I think Grandma won’t be able to move tomorrow with all the exercise we did today,” I say with a chuckle, hoping to cheer him up, but…it doesn’t work.
There’s still this horrible dark cloud hanging above him, like it has been all day. He got distracted, he laughed and played, but it was there all along.
“Hey.” I take his hands with worry and tilt my head to meet his eyes. His chin is low. He’s avoiding looking at me. “What’s up, buddy? You’ve been off. Didn’t you have fun today?” No response. “Come on. This isn’t like you.”
“I’m sorry, Daddy…”
My chest tightens over the small, shaky voice of his. I take his chin gently and lift it up, revealing his teary eyes. He purses his bottom lip up, trying to stop himself from crying.
“Hey!” I blurt, panic surging through me. “Hey, hey, hey, it’s all right! What are you apologizing for?” When I hug him tightly, I feel Mac melt into me and feel his little heart beating against my chest as he sniffs and hiccups.
“I-I kept something from you, Daddy,” he cries out between hyperventilating shivers. “I’m so-so sorry, Mina said that…I gotta keep quiet, but it’s all my fault why you’re so sad.”
White-hot, prickly wave of anger passes through me. My gaze snaps up to Mina, who already faces us, eyes wide. She’s pressing her lips tightly together and turns her head away sharply, like she thinks this won’t exist if she ignores it.
It takes everything for me to keep my voice soft and calming for Mac. “A secret? What secret? It’s alright, you can tell me. I promise I won’t be angry.”
I release him from my bear hug so that he can speak properly. Mac wipes his pink, dewy cheeks with his sleeve and pulls in the snot running out of his nose. Seeing him like that makes that intensely protective part of me I never could’ve conceived off before I became a parent go rabid, but I stay calm, giving him an assuring smile.
“Th-the boy you liked… The one that brought you to the hospital…”
“Yes? What about him?”
“He was n-nice,” he mutters, sniffling again. The ache comes back to me again. He sure was . “In the hospital, Mina was…she was really mean to him. She said bad words and then he never came back again. She t-told me never to talk about it or-or else…”
The blood in my veins turns to ice. My cheeks go prickly. All I hear is Mac’s ragged breaths and the pounding of my heart.
Don’t look at her. Don’t. Stay calm.
“Bad words? What did she say, Mac?”
He glances up at me and then back down at the ground, shaking his head. “Bad words,” he emphasizes. “So bad I would be in a lot of trouble.”
“How about you spell it?” I know I should stop myself. I should stand up and walk around to get a hold of my emotions before it all bubbles over, but I can’t.
Mac hums thoughtfully and takes a moment, thinking about it, inaudibly muttering letters to himself in preparation. “She called him an omega…H-O-R—”
“That’s all I need to know,” I snap more than I wanted to, so I quickly smile and place a kiss on Mac’s forehead. I lift him into his seat. “Wait here for a bit with Shawn, okay? I just need to talk to Mina. Calm him down. Cover his ears,” I order Shawn, who stares at me, white as a wall. He nods before I step back and close the door.
When I walk around the car and open Mina’s side, she recoils from me with fear in her eyes. She knows the severity of what she did. And she’s not getting away with it.
“Get out right now,” I say. My hands are trembling. I tighten my grip on the corner of the car door and focus on slow, deep breaths to control the storm taking place inside my chest. “ Get - out. ” I repeat with more urgency.
Mina shakily undoes her seatbelt and drops her headphones and phone on the seat before getting up. I see Shawn get in the back with Mac and put him on his lap before shutting the door behind her.
The moment the door slams close, I grab Mina by the arm and firmly pull her toward the front of the car. I let go when she squirms under my touch and don’t even care that she looks at me like I hit her. I don’t care about how firmly I held her. I’m just so…damn…done.
“What the fuck do you think you are doing, making him keep secrets? Making your little brother overwrought with guilt about lying and keeping stuff from his family!”
I hoped she would just stand there and finally take responsibility; maybe listen for once, but no. She opens her mouth, trying to say something back, that goddamn stubborn combativeness already building up in her eyes, so I stop her.
“No!” I snap, smacking my hand over the hood of the car. Mina freezes. “You will shut your mouth and listen to me. I’m done with watching you become this awful person. I’m not dancing around it anymore, Mina. I am sick and tired of letting you hurt people.”
Something other than anger finally penetrates through into my voice, and I feel like breaking down. But besides the grief, there’s a rattling sense of injustice. It isn’t fair , a voice in my head screams. This isn’t fair to me, and me being her parent doesn’t change that.
What have I done wrong? Even in the worst, most emotionally volatile and confusing parts of my teenage years, I never could have fathom causing this sort of pain to my parents. Or anyone.
“You…you really care about these people more than us, don’t you?” She spits out words full of poison and bitterness, eyes filling with tears.
“This is not about them, this is about you, and about us !” I shout, pointing my finger at her. I could throw up from the frustration building inside my stomach. “You may be a teenager, but you’re not stupid! You gotta understand what you’re doing and what it means to hurt other people. To beat someone down day after day after day. It isn’t something you do without consequences!
“This isn’t about Dayton or about the fucked up shit you said to him—it’s about you being my daughter and continuously shutting me out, over and over again, no matter how much I try to connect and to understand. Where did you bury the happy little girl that loved making origami with me and why do you insist on being this miserable, hateful person instead?! Toward your own family, toward the people I care about!”
My lungs burn and tug by the time I vomit it all out. I don’t give a shit anymore if this isn’t how she should ever see me, or if it’s appropriate. I’m at the end of my rope with her.
I watch her clench her jaw and ball her fists while she fights to keep that headstrong, emotionless mask on her face, even though she’s fighting tears and shaking.
“And this has nothing to do with being an alpha or omega. You know that. It’s about being a person and treating other human beings this way!”
“It has everything to do with everything !” she finally counters in a high-pitched yell. Letting out a trembling breath, she shifts on her feet. “Everything! Are you not sending out your stupid pheromones all over right now just because you’re mad?! How can you say that? How can you act like it doesn’t matter?”
What? Why would she think that?
How would she even think about something like that without Hope pouring this garbage into her ear?
“No.” I shake my head firmly. “That has nothing to do with me deserving happiness. The same happiness your mother supposedly found. But yes, I guess this is something you can’t comprehend, Mina. You don’t get why she doesn’t want me to be content, and why she uses you to achieve that, and the horrible fucking position it puts me in. You don’t get that beyond being an alpha and your father—who you know will let you step all over him no matter how much it pains me because of how much I love you—I’m a person with my own feelings, hopes and thoughts. You’re incapable, or unwilling, to look beyond yourself.”
I snort bitterly. Goddamn Hope. It should be you taking the brunt of this crap.
“You don’t get that because your mother convinced you this whole mess is nothing more than some stupid second gender bullshit. I wish life was that simple, but it isn’t. Until you can understand that, I am done letting you rule my life. So you get back in that car, apologize to your little brother for putting him in that horrible position, and do not dare speak to me until you find it in yourself to behave like a decent human being again, you understand?”
Something delicate and raw appears at the back of her eyes. She stares at me, breathless and quiet, until she forces down whatever it was and rushes to the car with a sniffling huff.
I slowly place my trembling palm firmly against the hood and lean over it, taking a deep breath. I might have just completely lost it…but I feel like I just woke up from some horrible daze.
I’m done letting Hope ruin my life through Mina. I’m done stepping aside for the sake of always sacrificing my happiness. This is a wake up call and I’m wide awake.