Chapter 18
“Iwant you to move in with me.”
I roll over and look at him. He’s staring up at the ceiling, his arms placed behind his head.
It’s been a few days since his disappearing act, and we are starting to get back to a new kind of normal.
“Really?”
“You’re here all the time. I don’t want you to leave. We have this year, and I don’t want to waste any of it. I want you in my bed, in my home. You are my home now.”
The smile catches at the corner of my lips as he turns to look at me. His words settle into the crack inside my heart, mending the damage his vanishing act put on me. He’s right, and there’s nowhere I want to be more.
“You’ll get to enjoy the year here, too. You know my mum loves you, and she’ll be glad of the company, as it will mean we’re both here.”
“I’ve not seen her for days. Surely, if she’s out of rehab, she should be around friends? Have some sort of support?” Talk of his mum sours my mood.
“She’ll be fine for a few weeks. The lawyers will play their part and hack up what’s left of their marriage, and I’ll have to pick up the pieces again. I’ve been doing it long enough. It’s just more final this time.”
I reach out my hand and lay it across his chest. “I’m sorry. Not for what he did but for what you have to go through now. You stood up to him, though. That was the right thing to do.” They are the words I trust myself to say, but there’s more I keep to myself. That his dad is the reason we’re here. His dad is the reason Jere seems so angry all the time.
“He’s a dick. This time, he’s listened. It’s better all around if they’re divorced.” He pulls back the covers and heads to the bathroom without a backward glance.
He’s in pain. I know that; how could he not be? His family is breaking apart, and I think about how sad and confused I was when I ran after my dad’s car all those years ago. But my mum scooped me up and made everything better — she made me forget and realise that a family isn’t made of two parents. It’s the people who are there for you and who matter to you.
And I want to be that for Jeremy. I want us to be that for each other.
“Jere?” I knock on the door to the bathroom, but he doesn’t answer. I push the handle down, and it opens. He’s sitting on the tile floor, propped up against the vanity, his head hung between his shoulders, as he cradles his knees with his hands.
He looks up at me, and I see the bloodshot eyes from his tears.
“Hey, it’s okay.” I kneel next to him and wrap my arms around him.
“I’m a mess, Anna. A fucking mess. I hate it. He’s made me weak, even though I was the one to stop him. He’s ruined everything, and I can’t get it back.” The venom in his words is palpable, and it bleeds into more tears.
“Stop talking like that. We’re good. You’re good. You don’t need him.” But I wonder if cutting his dad out of his life has started this chain reaction, causing everything to change with Jere. “We do this together, right? That was the deal.”
He crushes his arms around me, pulling me down against his chest. “You’ll move in?” He mumbles against my throat.
“Yes, I’ll move in.”
His hands cup my head, his lips search for mine, and I’m desperate for him to find them. “I love you. I love you so damn much.” His voice is deep and scratchy, filled with an emotion so intense it’s a physical force between us, drawing me to him.
I don’t tell Mum right away. I want to. The part of me that still thinks of her as a best friend and my first thought to share everything with is still in me. But then I remember it’s been months since we were that close, and she thinks Jeremy is nothing but bad for me.
But my sorrow over that doesn’t matter because Jeremy is happy. He is who I share everything with, and we are happy and in love. And that’s all we need.
Each other.
I thought the start of our gap year together would be like our first summer together — an adventure we were both on — everything revolving around each other just like we wanted. Maybe we’d go to the Cove and spend time at the beach or out on the boat.
Only this time, it is different. It isn’t so new or shiny. Our time together is cast in the shadow of long days spent hungover or forgotten because of whatever we took the night before.
It wasn’t just parties now. We were both using and drinking just to take the edge off the day — to get through the day.
Despite Jeremy’s mum being out of rehab, the little pots of pills were always filled, and we both took advantage. It was a little to start with, but with nobody to keep us in check, like everything else, we got swept away.
There were no consequences. Nobody to balance us. We were on our own, and that’s all I wanted. But we drowned in each other.
Christmas came. Christmas went. I made some sort of effort to see Mum, but honestly, all I can remember is turning up on the day and being high. Or drunk. Or both. She looked sad, and then we left. We could have argued or shouted. I don’t remember those parts.
Dark. Everything seems dark. A gloom that never shifts fills the days. It clings to everything we do, closing in around us, and it becomes so difficult to see anything clearly.
It’s the haze of drugs that lingers. It touches and taints everything, but we are in too deep to realise just how bad things have got.
Jeremy doesn’t want me out of his sight, and when we do venture out to parties, I see everyone as a potential threat, picking fights with anyone who looks at me in the wrong way or pays too much attention to Jeremy. It’s like an obsession we both feel, taking over any sense of control we have.
We begin to fight — shout and scream at each other. I accuse him of something, and he tells me I’m being paranoid. And in the next breath, he’ll turn the tables and accuse me right back. It’s always intense and often leads to aggression that I didn’t realise I had in me. He never lays a hand on me, though, even when I push him to the brink, taunting or goading him. It’s exhausting, but we are so high it isn’t until we come down that we feel tired.
The highs became lower and never lasted long enough, making it harder to go without. The need I felt for Jeremy now co-existed with the need for something else — my next trip.
We hadn’t been out of the house for what felt like weeks. Stir crazy, I needed to get out, if only for a few minutes. It was like an itch at the back of my head, and I couldn’t reach it.
“Where are you going?” Jeremy snaps.
“Out. I don’t care where.”
“Who are you meeting?”
“Nobody. Come on. I need to see the real world.”
“Fine. But we’re going out tonight. Tony’s having a party.”
“Do we know Tony?” The name didn’t register.
“Does it matter?”
It didn’t. We had people turn up here who we’d never seen before. A friend of a friend looking to score.
My feet amble me along the path from the big houses that surround Jeremy’s, back towards mine. I don’t know why, but I walk along Mum’s road, slowing up as I pass the house.
As if my presence summons her, she opens the front door as I pause. She stops short when she looks up to see me. But she doesn’t smile. Her hands cover her mouth, and she starts to cry, clear even from here. She slowly approaches as if testing the water. Part of me wants to bolt, but my feet feel welded to the spot.
“Oh, baby. What have you done to yourself?” She reaches a hand out to touch my face, but I pull away, not wanting her pity.
I know I’m not the same girl she saw only a few weeks ago.
She doesn’t say a word to me. But there’s a part of me that wants her to — a part that wants to run back into her arms, but I can’t get over the hurdle that will allow me to do that — it’s like a physical block. One that’s huge and ugly, yet so insignificant.
I turn away and go back, suddenly terrified and feeling more out of control than ever.
I didn’t tell Jeremy where I went or how seeing Mum seemed to shake a part of me. Suddenly, everything tasted bitter, everything looked tarnished, and I started questioning things.
We get ready for wherever he is taking us and leave, but not until after taking a cocktail of pills and powder.
The house is small and crammed with people that we don’t recognise — at least I don’t. None of our friends are here.
“Hey, Tony!” Jeremy calls to a guy in the kitchen smoking a joint and cradling a bottle of vodka.
“My man. You came. We’ll get you hooked up.”
I tug at Jeremy’s arm as I grow more sceptical. I’m watching all the eyes on us and have a sinking feeling in my stomach, like a gnarly knot that just keeps twisting.
We grab a drink, and I stay quiet while I watch a girl grab a small bag and unroll it on the side of the kitchen counter. She pulls out needles and some rubber tube thing.
“Want some?” the girl with Tony asks.
“Sure. Hit me.” Jeremy jumps in.
“Jere. I don’t know. Come on.” I try to steer him away.
“When did you start choosing for me? Come on, Anna. Have some fun. You’ve been in a mood all afternoon.”
The knot in my gut only grows. This was beyond anything we’d done before. Sure, we tried our fair share of poison, but we’d never injected anything.
I watch as the kit is passed around, a clean needle used each time, thankfully. Jeremy ties off his arm, pulling it tight with his teeth as he taps his arm for a vein. Then he looks up at me. “Come on, Anna. Together.”
I shake my head, not wanting to go down that path. I wasn’t high enough to be convinced otherwise.
“I have something else, more your style, perhaps?” Tony nudges my shoulder. He holds out a little bag of white-ish powder.
I snatch it from his hand, thirsty for the high as soon as it’s offered, and take out my phone, pouring the powder onto the screen before cutting it with my debit card. I put my nose to the drug and sniff quickly and fast.
“That’s my girl,” I hear Jeremy as I take the second line.
As soon as it hits, I know it’s not what I thought it was. It’s not the usual buzz, but I brush it off.
We stay in the kitchen, and I watch as something gets heated up, and the little needle sucks up the bad stuff, ready to be put into Jere. It makes me feel sick, and I have to take some deep breaths. As my head swims, my heart begins to race, and my body grows heavy.
It doesn’t feel right.
I try to walk away but stumble, falling one way and the other. Everything falls out of focus, and I can’t control my body.
This isn’t right.
Panic sets in, and I fall against a door and then land hard on the floor.
Jeremy? Where’s Jeremy?
My heart is thundering, and as I slump, I succumb to the drugs and let them take me away.
I can’t keep my surroundings in check, I can’t keep track of anything, and for the first time, a sliver of pure fear breaks through.
Time slips. I don’t know where I am, but I do fade in and out.
Voices rouse me. I open my eyes, but the rest of me remains stuck.
The girl who was with Tony is in front of me. Only she’s with Jeremy, moving him, pushing at his body. My vision skips, and I see double, the image splitting in front of me before coming back together.
Jeremy is kissing her. His arms are around her, although he looks clumsy. I can’t move my eyes, and they fix on the scene playing out in front of me.
Then she looks over to me. She even gives me a smirk, telling me she knows exactly what she’s doing. And I can’t do a thing. I feel trapped, screaming inside my head as I watch as Jeremy starts to grope her and pull her clothes off.
“That’s it, baby,” she mewls.
Pain seeps into my heart and turns it dark, shrivelling and crippling me.
My eyes blink, but the vision doesn’t change. It’s still them, making out. They fall down onto a bed, which doesn’t make sense; we were in the kitchen earlier. He lies back as she takes over, attacking him as he lifts his hands above his head.
Tears well and slip silently down my cheek, but they drop from the bridge of my nose. I’m on my side, lying down on the floor. I try to work my muscles to push me up, to do something, but they don’t answer.
The girl continues to work over Jeremy, shoving his clothes about and pulling at his hair so she can kiss him.
His face tips towards me, and he looks me in the eyes. A quizzical look furrows his brow as if he doesn’t understand what he’s seeing. “Anna.” A soft murmur from his lips reaches me.
“That’s right, baby.” She pulls his head back as she descends to kiss him again before moving her witch hands down to his jeans and pulling his cock free from his jeans. “You need a little work, but I got you.” She starts to jack him off before kneeling and awkwardly lowering herself onto him.
I don’t know why this girl is being such a bitch, or why she wants to do this, but the coldness and pain slide into my veins, turning them to ice.
Watching on, it’s like I’m seeing a nightmare play out in front of me. All my insecurities come to life — all my fears raw like open wounds.
My eyes blink back more tears as my body screams out in pain. My heart, racing from the high, is now aching, like it’s being crushed in my chest. It radiates throughout my body and turns my stomach sour.
I close my eyes, trying to breathe and settle the nausea rolling in my stomach as the bitch starts to moan and groan. Blocking it out is impossible. It just sounds louder inside my head.
My stomach constricts, and I heave the contents up and to the side, dribbling the vomit down the side of my face and onto the floor. It’s slimy and tastes bitter as I try to spit the rest out.
Finally, I let my eyes close and drift, the pain in my chest keeping a beat to pull me under, and I go, happy to drown in whatever this is.
Deep, deep down.