Chapter 17
Ididn’t go home that night.
Or the next.
I spent all my time with Jeremy, and he didn’t push me away. Mum called, but I was still angry and ignored her calls. I messaged so she knew I was safe and with Jere, but going home wasn’t an option. She’d made me choose, and that was worse than telling me no. I thought she was cool and relaxed and would see my side in this, but she didn’t. She put this barrier between us, and now something so silly had caused a huge rift. And it was growing every day I stayed away.
Everything is easy when Jeremy and I are together, and we slip into a new kind of dependability.
The drugs continue. I don’t even question it, and it soon becomes the norm between us, so much so that the days blur together.
Mum and I don’t talk, and it wouldn’t matter what she said to me — I’m hurt and angry and can’t shake that. I don’t want to listen to her because I know what I’m doing, and all that matters, more than anything, is Jeremy.
A few weeks pass, and I miss the day we are meant to leave for Cornwall.
I can’t even remember it because we were so high.
The next day, I received a message on my phone saying she’d left, and I was still welcome.
My answer was to get blind drunk and forget that I’d just broken something that used to mean everything to me — a tradition that was more than just a time away and holiday for us. It was healing, growth, and strength.
For such a long time, it was Mum and me against everything.
Not going with her slowly ate away at me. Deep down, in my gut, I knew it was the wrong decision.
So, I buried that pain in Jeremy. I buried all of my pain with him.
We went to London, and it was everything I hoped for. We indulged, saw the sights, ate the treats, and did everything Jeremy said we would. It was like all the best parts of our relationship condensed into a few days when we were untouchable.
It felt like everything was possible and nothing was off the table, and that was the best feeling in the world. Jeremy gave that to me, and I loved him for it. There were some blank spots for part of the trip because of whatever we took, but that just made it all the more exciting. The overriding memory was that we were happy — like there wasn’t a care in the world. And I wanted to cling to that — get lost in the sensation and never let it go.
I’d been afraid that if I held on too tight, it might shatter and break. But I didn’t believe that now.
We were equals now. I didn’t have to worry that he might snap out of this dream and come to his senses because I could feel he loved me as much as I loved him. And that’s what I wanted.
When we returned, we continued on the same path. Days slipped by in a blur again, but it didn’t matter because we had each other.
“Come on. Up.” The voice wakes me, but I’m groggy and can’t remember what happened. “Anna, come on. Enough of this.” Mum’s voice sinks in, and I groan, turning over and keeping my eyes shut.
“Go away.”
“You’ve had weeks to get wasted and have your time to act out. But that stops now. This isn’t you.”
“Shut up and let me sleep.” My head pounds and wants to explode. Any attempt to look for the memory of why I’m back home and not with Jeremy feels like my head might split in two.
The sound of glasses clinking and rummaging keeps me conscious. “What are you doing?”
“Tidying up your crap. I see you’ve escalated from smoking weed. I’m so angry at you right now that I can’t even speak to you.”
It goes quiet, so I assume she’s left, and I drift off back to sleep.
I sleep the day away and finally wake at dusk. My phone’s dead, so I find a charger in my room, wanting to know why I’m here and not with Jeremy.
Going downstairs is risky, but my stomach is screaming for food, so I suck it up.
Mum’s on the sofa watching television. She watches me as I walk past her and into the kitchen, listening for her to follow.
She does.
I open the fridge and look inside, grabbing some cheese and settling on a sandwich; there’s not much else in it.
“You look terrible. Your hair is a mess, and you have hollows under your eyes. What’s going on?” There’s concern in her voice, but she sounds bitter, too.
“I’m fine. I’m hungry and tired.” I don’t look up at her but set about the task of buttering the bread, slicing the cheese, and making the sandwich.
She walks away when she realises I’m not going to speak.
I devour the food and go back upstairs to message Jere.
Anna
Come get me? I don’t want to be here.
I scoop up some more clothes and wait until I hear his car.
I head straight for the door, but Mum’s waiting for me. “Anna, please. Don’t run off. Stay. You need to stop this behaviour.”
“You don’t know what I need. I’ll be with Jere.” I stare at her and make sure she hears me. I’m not sure where all the anger at her has come from, but I don’t want her telling me what I can do, especially in relation to Jeremy.
We drag ourselves into school a few weeks later to pick up our exam results. We both already know we got into uni, thanks to the email confirmations.
But it’s bittersweet. It meant that the summer was coming to an end.
“Hey, Anna. How’d you do?” Sammy stops me to ask.
“All good. You?” I smile, but it’s false and risks cracking the skin on my lips.
“All Bs, so I’m in. Are you okay? I’ve not heard from you in weeks?” Her eyes look sad as she studies me.
I blink and nod.
“So, university. It’s actually happening after everything we talked about.”
“Yep.” My grades weren’t great, far from what I had hoped for, but I’d scraped in.
She reaches out and takes my wrist. “Hey, Anna. You look like you’re about to cry. What’s happened?”
“Nothing.” I shake my head. “I’m fine. It’s good.” But inside, it’s like all the pieces of me are about to shatter. It feels like I’m waiting for Jeremy to get into his car and drive off, and I’ll be left running after him with no possibility of catching him.
“Anna, I know when something’s wrong. We might not be as close, but I’m here for you if that’s what you need.”
“I’m fine, Sammy,” I snap. “Thanks. I need to go and find Jeremy.”
She looks up and nods.
“Hey, my ears are burning.” Jeremy smiles down at me.
“Hey. All okay?” I snake my arm around his waist and pull him against me.
“All good. Sammy?”
“Fine, thanks. You?”
“I got the grades, but I’m going to defer. There’s too much going on right now. Besides, that way, I can visit more easily.” He looks down at me.
“What?”
“Seriously?” Sammy and I ask at the same time.
He just chuckles. “Yeah. What’s the big deal? A gap year sounds pretty good right now.”
I smile up at him, feeling something ease inside my chest. He’s right. It does sound pretty good.
“Anna?” Sammy pulls me back towards her. “Don’t. Don’t do what I think you’re going to.”
“What?”
“You’re so caught up in him you’re completely blinded. Snap out of it. You don’t need to do everything he does.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, really? The Anna I know worked hard, studied, and had the goal of going off to university — not to get dragged into drugs and drinking and follow the guy she likes around like some puppet.”
“Wow, tell me how you really feel.” I start to turn around, but she grabs my shoulder.
“Someone has to. You’re a completely different person than you were. And it’s all his fault.” She looks back towards Jeremy.
“Thanks, Sammy.” I swallow her truth, and it turns my stomach sour. “Good luck at university.” I walk away towards Jeremy.
“Hey, you okay?” he asks as he follows me.
“Sure. Let’s get out of here.”
I defer my place to uni. I don’t tell Jeremy right away, but I do let Mum know via a text message. She doesn’t stop calling, so I switch off my phone. I half expect her to show up at Jeremy’s, but she doesn’t.
A group of friends end up celebrating with us, and we party the night away. I’d been feeling so secure with what was to come, knowing I’d be with him, and especially remembering the time in Cornwall when he told me that nothing was temporary with me. But that’s not how I feel now as I watch him drinking, dancing, and laughing with his friends.
But then things got a little messy.
More drugs, not just the prescription pills he gets from his mum and weed, but coke and other stuff. It all did the same thing, right? Helped you enjoy the ride, that’s all. It wasn’t a big deal. We were having fun. I wasn’t Little Miss Anna anymore.
I went back home the following night.
We’d slept through most of the day, but I knew I had to face my mum. She wouldn’t just accept my decision like Penelope had with Jeremy, although I wasn’t sure if Jeremy had told her. I’d not seen her for days.
I click the door open and wait for the bombardment, but it’s silent.
She’s not in the front room, so I venture into the house and find her in her studio. I’ve not been in here for weeks, and it’s full of jewellery — new pieces I’d not seen before.
“I’m busy, Anna.” She doesn’t look up from her bench.
“Fine. I’ll leave you to it.”
I pause before going upstairs, and I think I hear the quiet sobs as she cries. My own eyes sting as they’re hit with tears. I’d never imagined we’d grow so apart so fast. She was my world. But now, someone else occupies that space.
I go upstairs. A little baggy of powder is in my pocket, so I indulge, happy to forget about the guilt in my chest at hearing my mum cry.
“Anna?” The voice creeps into my mind as my body shakes. “Anna, wake up. What have you taken?”
“I’m fine, Mum.” My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth as I force the words out.
“Anna, what the hell? I’m worried about you, darling.”
“I’m fine. Why did you wake me?” I open my eyes and try to sit up.
“It’s ten in the morning. I thought you’d left again last night.”
“I didn’t mean to stay.” I look around, getting my bearings. “I’ll leave.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. Why don’t I make you some breakfast? We can talk.”
“I don’t want to talk, Mum.”
“Then what, Anna? You have gone completely off the rails. You’re taking drugs, drinking, you’ve blown off uni? It’s enough now. You can come back home, and you can sort yourself out. I’ll help. But I don’t think Jeremy is any good for you.”
She looks sad as she gives me her speech. But she loses me as soon as she mentions Jere.
“Whatever. I’m not listening to this. If you want me out, just say so.”
“Wow, hold on. I didn’t say that. The opposite, actually.”
“I’m not talking about Jeremy being bad for me.”
“Fine. What are you planning on doing in your gap year?” She stands and shoves her hands on her hips. “A job? Travel? Or did you make a snap decision because you were out of your head?”
“Just shut up, okay. I know what I’m doing. We know what we’re doing.” I throw the covers back and start grabbing at items of clothing, my phone, and my bag.
“Wait, Anna. Calm down.”
“No. I’m leaving.”
“Stop! You’re not leaving.” She grabs my arm and pulls me back.
“Get off of me!” I rage in her face, but she doesn’t let go.
My cheek explodes with fire. I look at her as she cups her mouth with her hands, shocked by her own actions.
Tears swim in her eyes as I look at her in shock.
She slapped me.
“Bitch.”
I race downstairs and out the door. There’s only one place I want to go, and I all but run towards his house, all the way there.
“Jeremy?” I call and shout as I look around the house. “Jeremy?” But there’s nobody here. I deflate, my chest aching and my cheek sore, but he’ll be back soon, so I wait in his room. My first call goes to voicemail. And so does the second, and I end up frantically calling him every few minutes, but each is the same. Where is he?
Doesn’t matter. I’m not going anywhere.
I stay at Jeremy’s house for two days with no sign of him or his mum. He doesn’t answer his phone or respond to voicemails, and every passing minute pushes me further out of my mind, like I’m losing all sense of reason.
On the third day, I can’t stay cooped up here, so I search the house, find the keys to his mum’s car, and drive to the only other place I can think of. He went to Cornwall last time he needed space, so I head to the Cove, just in case. But the house is locked up tight, with no sign anyone’s been here, and I don’t have a spare key.
I wait in the car for a while, tears streaming down my face, then go and check if the boat is at the jetty, racing to piece together something that might explain or give me a clue to where he might be.
The boat’s there, just as it’s been the last few times we’ve visited.
“Damn you, Jeremy!” I scream at the water. “Where are you?”
Realising I have nowhere else to look, I turn around and start the long drive home. Although I don’t go home. I go back to Jeremy’s.
Two more days pass, and my panic morphs into genuine fear. He wouldn’t just vanish. He’d tell me. He’d contact me.
My mind is on overdrive, and I can’t do anything to calm down.
What if something happened to him?
My coping devices don’t help — coke, alcohol, uppers — they only heighten my already fraying nerves.
I dial his number on repeat, listening until the voicemail clicks in and then hang up.
Dial, repeat.
Repeat.
“Arghhh!” I launch my phone across his bedroom, and it smashes against the wall.
Tears splash on my cheeks as I curl up and cry myself to sleep on his bed.
I wake up alone, the acid from the bile in my stomach travelling up my throat, my nerves turning into a physical reaction. I can’t remember the last time I ate properly, probably before Jeremy went missing.
Part of me wants to go home because being here is a reminder of how lonely I am without Jeremy. He’s played a disappearance act on me for a week, and I’ve not seen or spoken to anyone else. That’s not right.
But I can’t bring myself to leave. This is where he’d come back. I need to be here when he does.
My thoughts grow darker as I sink into a stupor, fuelled by the last few drugs at the house and an overactive mind, playing out my worst fears running over and over in my head, creating a cycle of need to take the fears away.
“Anna? What are you doing here?” A voice. His voice. It brings me around, and I squint to see the familiar face I love so much.
“Jeremy?” I ask, not sure if I’m imagining him.
“Yeah, who else.”
“Where have you been? Where the fuck have you been?” My anger breaks through the grogginess of just waking up. “I’ve been worried. You’ve been missing for days.”
“I’ve not been missing. I’ve been with my mum. She’s had a breakdown.” His voice is sharp and cuts me down.
“Is she okay?” I ask, feeling small and stupid.
“She will be.” As I focus on him, I can see the tiredness around his eyes.
“I didn’t know where you were.” Seeing him overwhelms me, and I’m swamped with emotion and pain. The tears are back, and this time, I don’t want to stop them. I let them fall, and my body starts to shake as I sob.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry you were worried.” He comes towards me and sits down next to me on his bed.
“You can be a jerk, you know.”
He wraps his arms around me, and I snuggle against his chest, desperate to steady the fear in my veins.
The relief of him being here only dulls the anger. I can still feel it, itching to burst to life. Everything itches, everything is uncomfortable, and even the safest place in the world doesn’t settle me.
“I didn’t think it would be a big deal. We need to get used to being apart.”
“What?” I scowl, confused, and pull away from him.
“You’re leaving in a few weeks, and that’s going to be fucking horrible. A few days apart isn’t the end of the world.”
“Why are you being cruel?”
“I’m not. I’m being realistic. I’m a fucking mess. If it’s not you, it’s my fucked-up parents.” He stands and paces his room. I hate it when he does this. “I don’t want to let you go, and I fucking hate everything in my life right now. Getting some space seemed like a good idea.”
“I’m not going to uni. I deferred, like you. I just didn’t have a chance to tell you. I wanted it to be a surprise, but you upped and left,” I shout back, angry that he spoiled everything and didn’t even give me a chance to explain.
He stops and looks at me. “Really?” His head slants, and the confusion is clear in his voice.
“Really.” Although the joy I hoped this would create simmers inside of me, Jeremy’s doused everything in ice.
He rushes towards me and tips me back on the bed, straddling me and holding my head in his hands. “I fucking love you, Anna Rose. I’ve been pretending to myself that I don’t need you in my life all the time, but I do, so fucking much it’s like a physical pain in my chest. I’d never want to stand in your way, but I can’t even imagine how I’d cope with you leaving.”
My heart splits as I absorb his words. They are scary and everything I want all at the same time.
“If you feel like that, how could you just up and leave? I’ve been going out of my mind.” I push him off me and stand, not quite ready to accept that this is an easy conversation.
“I’m sorry. I am. It’s been fucking rough, torn between sorting my mum out and dealing with my own shit around saying goodbye to you. I don’t have any other excuse.”
“Goodbye? It would never be goodbye.”
“Not for me. But you don’t know how going to uni might change things.”
“I know I won’t stop loving you. If you think it would be so easy?—”
“Shhh, it’s okay. I don’t. I was frightened.” He pulls me against him.
“I can’t go through that again, Jere,” I speak into his chest as his closeness and comfort settle my nerves.
“You won’t.”
“And what about next year? When we do leave and go off to uni?”
“That’s a year away. We can deal with that then.” He takes my hand and holds it to his chest. “Deal?”
Agreeing is too easy. “Deal.”