Chapter Fifteen Mateo
A dam had insisted on having dinner at his place. I tried to talk him into letting me get there my own way, but he wouldn’t hear of it. Instead, he was outside my condo a half hour before our dinner date, ready to chauffeur me wherever I needed to go.
The gesture was cute. But I couldn’t deny feeling a twinge of annoyance having been denied my independence. I knew he was picking me up to save me the hassle, but it almost felt like I was relying on him to not only provide the date but do everything else for me too. I’d been thinking in circles about it all day but in the end, I decided just to push it aside for now. It was just a simple car ride after all. It wasn’t like he wouldn’t allow me to use the stove or was fawning over my every step. I was probably just being oversensitive.
So, I let him pick me up. And to my surprise, he’d even made a spot for Bessie in the back seat with a blanket and everything. It was so nice to have someone that not only didn’t mind her being around but went out of his way to make sure she was comfortable. I knew he wasn’t the biggest animal person, but the fact that he treated her with as much respect as he did me said a lot about his character.
Even though everything between us was supposed to be fake, he sure was doing a good job of convincing me that he was the best guy I’d ever known.
Sigh .
By the time we got to Adam’s place and situated on the back porch, the air was already starting to take on the night’s chill. But I could still feel the slightest bit of sun in the direction of the wind. The scent of the lake rolled up the dunes, washing away the smoke from the grill as Adam cooked our food. While I was hungry, I was too busy gazing out over the lake that I could hear and smell, but couldn’t see.
“Burgers are ready,” he said, sitting down next to me at the table. “I hope you’re hungry.”
“Adam,” I said, leaning against the railing with my chin resting on my arms. “Is it sunset?”
He shifted in his seat. “It’s close. The sun is getting pretty low. It’s pretty tonight.”
I sighed, wishing I could see it. Then I felt a hand on my arm.
“Do you want me to describe it to you?”
A smile filled my face. “Yes please.”
“Okay.”
He turned his chair, presumably so he could get a better line of sight. I felt his arms come to rest next to mine as he mimicked my pose. Then he took a deep breath.
“We’re about sixty feet up from the beach. Trees sweep in on either side of the cedar porch framing the scenery but stop just far enough back to create a postcard-like view of the scene. A set of stairs surrounded by blooming pink wildflowers leads all the way down to a white sand beach where three-foot waves crash against the shore with rhythmic certainty. Cerulean water drenched in sunlight dances and stretches out to the horizon, growing darker as it gets further away. The sky is dotted with puffy clouds, like cotton candy pulled to pieces. They were white a while ago, but the sun had dipped so low that they’re now stained deep pink and orange. The fluffy sides thrown into shadow are a deep gray purple and lose all their detail. The sky itself is a blazing orange and red near the horizon, but it turns gold, then green, then blue as it gets closer to us, like a desaturated rainbow that somehow looks more intense than any crayon color I’ve ever seen. In a few minutes the sun will kiss the horizon and then it’ll be gone, and everything will lose its pinkish hue and turn blue, calling to the beginning of night. Everything is steeped in twilight’s mystery, but it’s fleeting and that somehow makes it even more beautiful.”
I let out a long, satisfied sigh. “Thank you, Adam. Thank you for being my eyes. You described it beautifully.”
He made a sort of embarrassed huff, his hand going back to his hair again. “I don’t know about that. I was just telling you what’s out there.”
“No,” I said, putting my hand on his arm and giving it a gentle squeeze. “It was really beautiful.”
“Well… we should probably eat before our food gets cold.”
I just smiled. “Whatever you say, boss.”
We put our plates together and ate mostly in silence, only exchanging a few words here and there. For some reason it seemed that I’d embarrassed Adam in some way. He’d done such a great job of describing the scene to me that I felt like I actually saw the sunset for the first time in over a decade. It was something to praise, right? But why was he being so shy about it?
Eventually I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I had to say something.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel weird about the sunset,” I said, taking a bite of my burger and handing the last couple of bites to Bessie. “But you really did do a good job. I appreciate it. Not many people take the time to do that for me when I ask.”
“What do they do?”
“They just say something about it being yellow and that’s pretty much it. I never get any real details.”
“Huh.” He was quiet for a moment. “I guess I was just trying to give you what you’d asked for. It’s not a big deal.”
“Why’s that compliment so hard to swallow?” I asked, pushing harder. “And be honest with me.”
“I…” His voice faltered. “I haven’t really thought about it that much. But the first thing that comes to mind is really sad.”
“Tell me about it.”
I could almost hear his eyebrows raise. “You sure about that?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I want to know about you. And you need to open up more. We’ve pretty much already gone to third base at this point, I should at least have a little bit of dirt on you.”
He let out a big sigh and slid his plate away. “Well, I’ll keep it short because I don’t want to relive all of it.”
“That’s fair.”
“When I was growing up, I could do no wrong in my parent’s eyes, especially my dad. It didn’t matter if I got a C in a class, an A, or got caught writing on the bathroom wall. He was always proud of me. And he was especially proud when I tried out for baseball and when I hit my first home run. Everyone he met he had to talk their ear off about how I was the perfect son. I got used to those compliments and even believed quite a few of them. After all, why would my dad lie about being so impressed with me?”
He shifted uncomfortably and I knew the other shoe was about to drop. Already I felt this deepening sense of pity. I already knew what was coming before he said it.
“And then, when I was sixteen, I came out to him and mom one night.” His voice hitched. “I didn’t even worry about it either. Most guys agonize about what their parents are gonna say and how they’ll react. But I knew my parents loved me more than anything. I could do no wrong in their eyes. I was in the safest, most accepting place I could ever be.” He took a long pause. “Dad told me to pack my bags that night.”
My hands went to my lips and my heart skipped a beat. Anger rushed through my chest, and I wanted to say a thousand things, but I forced them all back.
“I went to my room to do just that when I heard them start yelling at one another downstairs. I sat on my bed for an hour listening to them screaming. It wasn’t until I heard a door slam that the house finally went quiet. That’s when Mom came up to my room and started putting my half-packed bag away. And then she told me that she was getting a divorce and that Dad was moving out.” He took another shaky breath, his voice cracking. “I don’t think I’ve believed a compliment since. Because if my dad, the person who I thought loved me most in the world, had been lying about loving me, then everything else he told me must have also been a lie. That meant I wasn’t good at anything or special in any way like I thought. I… I think it sort of shattered my world.”
I could hear the shaking breath he was trying to hold back. Without a second thought, I leaned forward and threw my arms around his neck, pulling him in close. It wasn’t until his hot tears soaked through my shirt that I knew he was crying.
“Oh baby,” I cooed, petting the back of his head. “I’m so sorry.”
His breath hitched as he tried to keep it together, but that only made the tears flow faster. I wanted to fix it, to kiss all his pain away and make him forget about everything that had ever hurt him. But I knew from personal experience that no amount of sex, love, or even drugs would ever erase those memories completely. They would always be there whether we wanted them or not. That’s just how life worked even if it was unfair.
Still, I had to try.
“Now you listen to me,” I said, still holding him tight. “Just because your dad is an idiot doesn’t mean you’re worthless or that you’re undeserving of compliments. I may not have known you very long, but even I can see how special you are.” I leaned back, holding him by the shoulders. “When I called you for help during that storm, you showed up without question. You went out in absolutely terrible weather, risking your own safety to help me find my dog. That is generosity beyond measure. If that doesn’t make you special and deserving of love, I don’t know what would.”
“But…” he sniffled. “None of this means anything. You and I are just friends… None of this is real.”
My heart leaped at the chance to say something. But I clamped my lips shut, clenching my teeth in the process. Just because I was feeling something for him didn’t mean I needed to say it. Right now, he was in crisis and the last thing he needed was the added stress of me telling him that I wanted our fake relationship to be something more. He’d made it clear that’s not what he wanted. Being open with me was doing enough damage already, I didn’t need to complicate things further by letting my own selfish feelings get in the way.
“You’re right,” I said. “I am your friend. And I’m here for you. Whatever you need.” I leaned close, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “You did really well tonight opening up and sharing that difficult topic with me. I’m really proud of you, baby.”
His voice hitched again, and I knew the tears were flowing.
“It’s okay,” I said, hugging him again. “If you need some time alone, just tell me. I won’t deny you that after I sort of ruined our date by pushing you too far.”
“Y-You didn’t r-ruin it,” he sniffled. “I’m glad you’re here.”
He hugged me back, his strong arms wrapping around my chest. Even though he was taller than me, he always somehow ended up with his head buried in my neck. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the boy had been craving some affection for a long time. He’d been so busy pushing people away that he never realized how much he wanted someone to just hold him.
“Please,” he said suddenly, squeezing me tighter. “Please don’t go home tonight.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
I nodded, my hand going to the back of his head and petting his hair. “Okay, baby. I’ll stay here tonight.”
He sighed, pulling himself into my lap and curling up against my chest. “Thank you.”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“Anytime.”