Chapter Twenty-Four Adam
S omber didn’t describe my emotional state very well. Maybe devastated was a better word. Either way, I felt like fucking shit when I finally left to help Rowan and James move. But a promise was a promise, and I wasn’t about to back out, not when I already had bad news to share with them. Besides, there was a storm on the way and I didn’t want to leave them to move in the rain.
But while they moved into their dream home, I had to figure out how to break it to them that I was leaving for good and selling the cabin. I knew it would hurt Rowan because I was fairly certain he’d purchased his house close to the cabin on purpose so we wouldn’t be far apart once they settled in. He probably thought we were going to be some sort of little gay family or something and I was about to stomp on his dreams.
I felt like the biggest piece of shit ever. But I couldn’t force myself to stay. Not when it meant running into Mateo and Bessie wherever I went and having to relive the pain that threatened to tear my heart in two. Sure, there were plenty of guys back in the city that had broken my heart, but the chances of seeing them again were slim. Out here there was nothing to keep us apart except the hurt feelings between us.
That was the last thing I wanted to deal with.
Besides, Mom was right. There was opportunity in the city for me. I could find a better job, one that didn’t make me want to jump off a building every morning when my alarm went off. It was sensible and safe, unlike the idea to become a writer that Mateo had given me. Besides, what did he know about making it in the world as a writer? Those who can’t do, teach, right? That told me all I needed to know about Mateo and his expertise in books.
I shook my head as I pulled into the driveway of Rowan’s new house. Being mean to Mateo, even just inside my head, felt awful. Usually when guys made me feel bad, I imagined all sorts of ways I could cut them down with my words. But, like most everything else, when it came to Mateo, I couldn’t do things the way I always had. He’d gotten too far under my skin for me to just hate and move on. He was the sort of guy that left a scar and I’d probably never forget him even if I tried.
So instead, I focused my attention on the task at hand. Rowan and James had already filled up their rented moving truck the night before and it was sitting in the driveway now with the back gate open. The pair of them were standing on the porch, waving to me with big smiles on their faces. It was like a knife in my chest knowing that I would soon dampen their wonderful day with bad news. But that’s the kind of guy I was. I messed up everything.
Pulling the car off to the side, I took a deep breath and did everything in my power to cheer the fuck up, even if it was fake. I needed to convince Rowan and James that I was doing this because it was the smart thing to do. Not because I was having an emotional meltdown and uprooting my life again on a whim for the second time in two months.
“Hey!” Rowan called as I stepped out of the vehicle. “You’re right on time! We just got here a couple of minutes ago!”
I furrowed my brows. “You did? I thought you packed everything up and brought it here last night?”
“We did.”
“Then how–”
“We got a hotel room for the night,” James interjected, pulling me into a hug. “We’d already packed up the bed and we were too exhausted to get it back out again. So, we just got a room down by the beach and had food ordered in. It was pretty nice actually, not having to make the bed in the morning.”
“You never make the bed anyway,” Rowan retorted. “I do.”
“Details,” James replied with a wave of dismissal. “But I bet you won’t guess who we saw at the hotel.”
My chest twisted with anxiety.
“It was your mom,” Rowan answered with a smile. “I didn’t know she was in town!”
“Oh yeah. She… uh… came down to see me.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I’ve just been busy…”
James lifted an eyebrow. “With what?”
I heaved a sigh, my fake smile faltering. “Thinking.”
“Dangerous.”
“I know…” I looked up at the pair of them, knowing this was the moment I’d been dreading for the past two days. “I… I’m going back home with her when she leaves. And… Well, I’m gonna sell the cabin.”
Silence.
Both of their smiles were wiped away in an instant and I felt like the biggest asshole on the face of the planet. I tried to find something to say, something to reassure them. But all the preparation I’d done for this moment slipped away as soon as I met their gazes. There was nothing I could say to make this moment better or easier. It would just have to be uncomfortable even though that was the last thing I wanted.
“Y-You… You’re leaving ?” Rowan asked at last, the hurt in his voice all too obvious. “After everything you’ve done to restart your life… you’re just gonna leave?”
“Yeah,” I nodded, no longer trying to pretend like this wasn’t difficult. “I… I think I have to.”
“Why?”
“Rowan… I don’t want to talk about–”
“WHY?!” he barked, causing me to startle. James put a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it away. “Is it because I told you that you can be rude sometimes? Are you leaving because of me?”
“Rowan! You’re my best friend! I would never leave because of you.”
“Then why are you going?!” he shouted, his voice shaking as tears came to the corners of his eyes. “You’ve been telling me for years that you have nothing back in that city! I was so relieved that you came out here so I could be near you again and now you’re just gonna leave? After all those declarations or yours about starting a new life here with us?!”
Whatever I’d been expecting, Rowan’s reaction was a hundred times stronger. I’d anticipated some irritation and even disbelief. But outright anger and hurt? Those weren’t the kind of reactions I usually got out of Rowan. In fact, out of everyone I knew, he was the most difficult to make emotional. So why was he losing it so much? Had he really gotten his hopes up that far that we’d be close again like we were in college?
“Just tell me why you’re leaving,” he said after a moment of my silence. “Give me one good reason and I’ll forgive you.”
I glanced at James, hoping for help. But he just shook his head.
“Don’t look at me,” he said. “Answer your best friend.”
Another sigh.
“You’re going to fight me if I tell you,” I said at last, my voice meek. “But I’ve already made up my mind.”
“So, I’m just supposed to accept this and never get an explanation? Is that it?” He pointed back toward the house. “I bought this house to be close to your cabin! Even if you weren’t living here full time, I knew that when you did come to visit, you’d be close by! And now you’re gonna sell it and fuck off forever?”
I felt the cold sting of rain as the first drop struck my shoulder.
“I never asked you to buy a house close to me…”
“Of course you didn’t!” Rowan reached out, grabbing me by the shoulders, giving me a light shake. “I did it because you’re my best friend! I love you, you stupid fucking idiot because you’re my family! And now that you’re here I don’t want to lose you again!”
I was family to him. Talk about a dagger straight through my heart.
“I… I didn’t know you felt that way…”
“Then maybe that ex of yours was right,” he huffed. “You really are fucking blind.”
Rowan sniffed and let go of me before heading toward the house. I tried to reach out to grab him, but James blocked me with his arm.
“Let him go,” he said, stepping in front of me. “He needs a minute to himself.”
I watched him walk away, his shoulders hunched. In just a few seconds I’d taken this proud, strong friend of mine and deflated him entirely. The rain came down more, dark spots appearing on my clothing where the cold drops struck. However, that was quickly forgotten as James rounded on me, the look on his face powerful enough to strike a man dead.
“You’re going to tell me what’s going on right now,” he demanded. “And I will not take no for an answer. You just hurt my man and I’m pretty fucking pissed about it. So, swallow that stupid pride of yours and answer me. What the fuck is going on?”
The intensity in his gaze told me I had no other choice. With one last sigh, I figured I might as well get it out. They deserved an explanation at the very least for all the turmoil I’d caused. I’d ruined their day completely.
“You remember how you told me to try a fake relationship?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I did it.”
“With who?”
“The blind guy that comes into your vet clinic.”
“Mateo?”
I nodded and James let out a small gasp.
“So, what happened?” he demanded. “And don’t try to get out of it.”
I took a deep breath. “We made a deal that the relationship would be practice only. No real feelings. And… well…”
“You fell in love with him, didn’t you?”
Another nod, but this time my movements were full of shame. “And he doesn’t want anything to do with me.” I turned my head to the side, tears threatening once more. “I’m so fucking stupid. And I can’t stand to stay here knowing I’ll run into him again. I just… I want to go back to my old life where guys couldn’t cut me this deep. It… It hurts so fucking bad, James.”
He gave me a good once over, a pitiful sigh leaving his lips. “So, you told this guy how you felt, and he told you he wasn’t into it then?”
“I…” I paused, stopping myself from stretching the truth. “I gave him chances to tell me how he felt. I even checked to make sure our relationship was still fake. And he never said anything to the contrary.”
“So… you didn’t tell him how you feel?”
“I… inferred .”
James shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You fucking boys and your emotional constipation, I swear .” He looked up at me, his eyes blazing. “So, you’re just gonna uproot your whole life again because you’re too much of a fucking coward to tell this man to his face how you feel about him? How do you know he doesn’t feel the same?”
“H-He never said anything.”
“Probably because he’s doing the same stupid fucking thing you are and assuming everything instead of actually asking!”
“I… I don’t think–”
“ Obviously ,” James retorted, cutting me off. “Because if you did think , you’d realize you were being an idiot instead of just speaking the truth out loud. Relationships are hard , Adam! Not because the other person is difficult to be with, but because we , ourselves, are scared to say the things we feel most! Rowan and you are so much alike, it’s fucking staggering. He was terrified to tell me how he felt too and look at us now! He took a chance and we’re as happy as can be! I bet if you did the same with Mateo, you might actually get somewhere. At the very least you’d have an answer, and you wouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life wondering what if? ”
I stood there, my jaw working but no words coming out as the rain picked up. Cold water ran through my hair and down my neck, goosebumps breaking out over my skin. The more I thought about it, the more I realized James was right. I would torment myself for the rest of my life if I didn’t say something to Mateo. If I wasn’t honest with him directly just once .
Was it possible he liked me, and I just never gave him a chance to show it?
My phone rang loudly from my pants pocket, knocking me out of my stupor. I pulled it out, wiping the rain off the screen. And there, plain as day, was Mateo’s name. He was calling me.
“Huh,” James said, glancing at the screen. “It’s almost like the universe is sending you a sign.”
I nodded numbly, hitting the green button and pulling it up to my ear.
“H-Hello?”