Chapter Twenty-Three Mateo
S omething was off. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Call it a sixth… well fifth sense I guess, but something was wrong between me and Adam. Our text conversation yesterday morning. His responses had been sort of clipped and while I’d usually brush that off with most anyone else, when it came to him, I just couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I’d done my best to ignore it. At this point I’d convinced myself that the reason he was acting weird was because I was getting too close. He could tell I liked him as more than just a friend or a fake boyfriend. Maybe I gave it away in my expressions without realizing it. Or maybe I’d said something that tipped him off. Either way, I was fairly certain the jig was up.
So why was he pulling away from me? Maybe it was stupid, but I’d hoped that if I went out of my way to give him everything he’d asked me for, he’d see the care I’d provided and come to realize I was worth more than just a fake relationship. I mean, everyone liked a partner that listened and cared for them, right? Was Adam not that way?
However, I had gotten after him about doing things for me. It was a moment I’d come to regret. Yes, I needed to speak my mind because my independence was important to me. But maybe I could’ve done it in a gentler way. Clearly what I said had bothered him. And now he was barely talking to me. After over two weeks of nearly constant dates, I found myself spending two whole days alone with no plans for the future made either. Adam wasn’t just catching his breath, he was avoiding me.
I’d already tried being caring and attentive. And I’d even tried acting sort of aloof to the whole situation in the hopes that absence might make his heart grow fonder toward me. However, neither of those things had produced any results. Maybe it was time to try a new approach.
Taking my phone out of my pocket, I clicked on the talk-to-text and began to write.
Me: Hey babe. Just wanted to see what you’re up to tonight? I’m taking Bessie to the vet this afternoon, but I’m free later if you want to just hang out, get dinner, or watch a movie. I feel like we need to talk anyway. There’s some things I’d like to say to you.
That last part had me shaking just a little bit as I pulled the phone away from my mouth. The words felt obvious , like I was giving it all away without saying anything. He’d know the moment he read them that I was falling for him. Hell, who was I kidding? I’d already fallen for him. I did that the night he described the sunset to me in such vivid detail. I felt like I could see his soul in that moment, and it was everything I’d ever wanted.
Summoning up all my courage, I hit the send button, allowing my words out into the world for good or for bad. However, with my fingers crossed, I hoped for the better.
I sat there in rapt attention for a few minutes, waiting for my phone to ding with his reply. My heart was racing as I thought of what it would be like to say those three little words to him at last. He was the guy for me, the one I’d been waiting for. I just knew it. But I wouldn’t force him into anything he wasn’t ready for. I hoped that if I could be honest with him about my feelings, maybe he’d finally realize that he liked me too.
I felt childish and giddy, but better than ever at the same time.
Then a minute passed.
And another.
By the time ten long minutes had rolled by, my giddy energy had morphed into pure anxiety. Adam was never far from his phone and short of being in the shower, there was no reason he wouldn’t have answered by now. Not when he always answered within literal seconds.
That didn’t bode well.
However, I did my best to shake it off. Even if I sat around for the rest of the day obsessing over it, my phone wasn’t going to chime any faster. No, it was best to pass the time by keeping myself busy. And getting Bessie ready for the vet would take plenty of time. She needed a bath anyway.
With a sigh, I tucked my phone into my back pocket and called Bessie over to me. She wasn’t the craziest about getting baths, but she put up with them, nonetheless. If she’d been just a pet and not had an entire mortgage’s worth of training, she might have given me a hard time. But being that she was very well trained, she merely huffed at me and stepped into the tub at my behest.
I made sure the water was just the right temperature before I sprayed her down. After that it was no small task to soap up her entire golden retriever body. Not only was she hairy, but she had she been putting on a considerable amount of weight. In fact, that was the reason I was happy her bi-annual checkup was today. I wanted to talk to the vet about her sudden need to run off and the excess weight. She was eating well and getting plenty of exercise. Up until now that was enough. I’d already given her a good once over myself and she didn’t feel lumpy or anything. But I was worried there could be something wrong despite her energy being at a normal level.
Hopefully we’d get some answers and that would be one less thing for me to worry about all the time.
I spent the next half hour toweling Bessie off and blow drying her with a hairdryer. That part she seemed to enjoy because it was nice and warm. But that didn’t stop her from shaking off a couple of times and coating my entire bathroom and myself in dog water.
By the time we were done with all that and I finally let her go, I pulled my phone out and checked it. To my surprise there was a message from Adam. With a bright smile on my face, I clicked the screen to read it out loud for me.
Adam: Sorry it took me a minute to respond. My mom is visiting and we’ve been spending some time together.
Adam: Anyway, I’m glad you texted me because I have something I needed to tell you. I’m going to be heading back home at the end of the week. I know it’s sort of sudden, but mom’s gonna let me stay at her place while I get myself all set up. I’ll probably sell the cabin and live off that for a little while as I try to figure out what to do with my life.
Adam: I just wanted to thank you for being so patient with me and being my fake/practice boyfriend. But it’s gonna have to come to an end. I need to move on and take some time to myself before I get back out there and start trying to find the right guy. I’m sure you want to get back into the dating scene too. So I guess this is goodbye.
I stood there for a long moment, my jaw hanging open in disbelief. Had Adam just broken up with me over text? Why was he leaving? Did I really mean so little to him that he could just walk away without even saying goodbye to my face?
I clicked the button, recording my message as my voice shook.
Me: You’re leaving? Why? Did something happen? Are you going to stop by and say goodbye at least?
Adam: I think it’s better if we don’t see each other again. It was fun with you… but that’s all it was. I think we both know that.
Me: So you’re not going to answer any of my questions? You’re just going to leave and never talk to me again? Just like that ?
Adam: I can’t just sit around this small town and hope life happens someday. So I’m going back to where I can make stuff happen. What you and I had was fun. But we said it was just pretend. And that’s all it is, right?
There were a million things I wanted to say. I wanted to scream, to shout, to get angry, and to tell him I loved him all at the same time. I nearly did the latter but stopped myself at the last moment. My heart was already in pieces and the pain in my chest was making me feel dizzy.
Tears streamed down my face as I had the screen reader reread his messages. The more I listened to them, the more I was sure he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. And I started to wonder why I ever expected anything different. We set the rules to begin with and I was the fool for believing this could be anything more than it was. Not only that, but I knew better than to get excited about love. Guys like Adam never stuck around for disabled dudes like me. We were just too different.
Instead, I held the phone up to my lips and spoke my reply.
Me: Yep. It was all just pretend. Goodbye and good luck.
With that, I walked to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed. The last thing I did before I buried my face in the pillow was cancel the ride to Bessie’s vet appointment. I’d probably need a couple of days to recover before I went out in public again.
So, I laid there, crying into my pillow and cursing my own stupidity for loving a man that had never wanted anything serious from me to begin with.