Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
A fter Gavin left Bean’s office, he immediately went to the gym. He cringed at recalling how damn awkward he’d been as he’d scurried out of her office like a terrified schoolboy standing in front of his crush. There was nothing like pounding on a heavy bag to make the mortification go away.
Or so he thought.
Twenty minutes of bag work did nothing to clear his head, so he laced up his running shoes and spent an hour sprinting through the trails of Jackson Cove State Park that abutted the Hudson Security property. Since it had taken all his focus to not face-plant on the trails, his mind was a little clearer now, and that antsy feeling had been replaced with exhaustion. However, he was no closer to figuring out what he was going to do with these newfound... feelings.
Damn. Feelings were something he’d purposely avoided for the last decade.
He quickly showered at the gym and headed back to his office. Now that he was spent, he could lose himself in work. Not exactly the healthiest way to handle things, but it was what he did. And so what if he harbored hope of seeing Bean again today?
He frowned as he strode into his office. “Fucking pathetic,” he muttered.
“Who’s pathetic?”
The voice had him startling.
Gavin’s frown deepened. His situational awareness was fucked. He’d like to blame it on exhaustion but knew that would be a lie. As he’d walked through the office, he’d been trying to slyly look for Bean, oblivious to everything else. Fucking hell .
Flopping down into his office chair, he lifted his chin at Xander, who stood in his doorway. “Don’t worry about it. What’s up?”
“Just wanted to check in.” Xander pointed to the chair on the opposite side of Gavin’s desk with a questioning look.
“Of course,” Gavin said as Xander closed the door behind him. “Everything okay?”
“I checked in with all the teams today and all is well. Nothing exciting to report, which is good.”
When Xander didn’t say anything else, Gavin waved his hand in a circular motion. “And?”
“And I got a call from TJ at the gym. He’s concerned.”
TJ was one of the head trainers at the De La Rosa Gym. Nice guy, excellent striking coach, and a badass Muay Thai specialist.
“About what?” His eyes narrowed in confusion when Xander looked at him in disbelief. “Seriously, what’s he concerned about?”
Xander shook his head. “You, fucker.”
“What?” No way had he heard that right.
“TJ said you basically took off the new check-in girl’s head when you showed up. Then you were an asshole to a couple of the fighters who were working out near you. And when TJ went to talk to you, you nearly bit off his head before storming out of the damn place.”
He could only stare at his friend dumbfounded. “Xan, I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.” He racked his brain, thinking about the short time he’d spent at the gym.
He frowned as he vaguely recalled being irritated at the new kid at the front desk when she’d asked him to check in. He’d never had to check in before and hadn’t seen why the hell he had to start today.
He cringed. Okay, fine . . .
And now that Xander mentioned it, he did recall the two fighters at nearby heavy bags. They’d approached him, but he’d ignored them. And yeah... he may have also told them to fuck off.
Heaving out a sigh, he scrubbed his hands over his face and slouched deeper into his chair. “Fuuuck, fine. I may not have been in the greatest mood earlier. There’s been... a lot going on.”
“I get it, man. Someone took a shot at you. That’s gotta piss you off.” Xander stared him down, and Gavin was certain he wasn’t going to like what his friend was going to say next. “But I also think your pissy attitude isn’t just about that.”
Yup. He wasn’t quite sure where Xander was going with this, but he wanted no part of it.
“You’ve been out of sorts since we wrapped up the McClintock rescue. More short-tempered.”
Gavin arched a brow. “Short-tempered?”
“Yeah,” Xander said. The look in his eyes dared Gavin to disagree. “Things usually roll off your back, and you keep calm. But you’ve been... the opposite of calm. Snappy. A borderline asshole. We all expect that from MacKay. Not from you. And to top it all off, you’re micromanaging, which you usually don’t do.”
Gavin stifled a groan. “Look, the last week has been more hectic than usual.”
“I’m sure the McClintock rescue stirred up some shit for you—because it sure as hell did for me—but I also think you’ve been in a shit mood because of what happened with Bean.”
He jerked. “Nothing’s happened between me and Bean.”
“I meant her passing out last week.” Xander smirked. “But it’s interesting that you thought I was referring to something else.”
Christ. He blew out a breath. “Bean’s a friend. What she does here is vital. She’s so damn good at what she does, and she’s so driven, but it makes me crazy when she forgets basic things like fucking eating or drinking water. Then she passes out and gives herself a fucking black eye.” His stomach rolled at the recollection, and because he was partially to blame. “I think I push her too hard.”
“She wouldn’t have it any other way, man.”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t help that I keep piling more shit onto her already overflowing plate.”
“She’s an adult. An adult who has serious control issues.” Xander shrugged. “But she agreed to take on Tiny, which is fucking huge, right? You and MacKay have been talking to her for years about adding on another hacker, and she basically gave you both the middle finger the entire time.”
“Yeah.” Gavin sighed again, but then he smiled. “She’s so fucking stubborn.”
“That she is. And you’re attracted to her.”
He froze but tried to hide it with a shrug. “She’s attractive. As are all the women who work here.”
Xander rolled his eyes. “Cut the bullshit, man. Me and you? We go back. Aside from that, I was there last week when she stayed at your house, remember? I was a firsthand witness to you going completely stupid around her.”
“Fine.” He paused, unsure how to vocalize what he was feeling, unsure if he even wanted to. But apparently, keeping everything bottled up was turning him into an asshole.
Xander was one of his best friends, and he trusted the other man with his life. He supposed he could use all the advice he could get. Still, when he tried to put it into words... “I really can’t explain it.”
“Try.”
He met Xander’s gaze and didn’t see judgement, just concern.
Gavin took a deep breath in and let it out. Unfortunately, the nerves swirling in his gut were still there, so he settled for bouncing his leg. “I’ve always found Bean attractive. All the women who work here are pretty in their own way. It’s just a fact. An observation. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“But?” Xander prodded when Gavin remained silent.
Fuck, here goes nothing . “After Bean got hurt... When I saw that black eye on her face, I don’t know. Something changed. One second, we were just friends and colleagues, then just like that”—he snapped his fingers—“I started seeing her differently. I’ve always felt protective of her, but now it’s so much more intense. And it’s not just about keeping her safe. It’s more than that. She and I have been friends for so long, but there’s so much I don’t know about her. And I want to get to know her better.” He wanted to know every little detail about her—from her favorite childhood memory to her best vacation to what she tasted like. Every. Damn. Thing. “I don’t know, man. I guess, I can’t really explain it.”
Xander grinned at him. “You explained it just fine. You should ask her out. Who knows, maybe she feels the same way.”
“There’s chemistry there for sure, but... I don’t know. I’m not really cut out for relationships.” He’d seen too much. Done too much.
“Is that what you want with Bean? A relationship?”
“I think she deserves a relationship.”
Xander shook his head. “That’s not what I asked. Do you want a relationship with her?”
He was quiet for a moment as he thought about his friend’s question, then he answered honestly. “If I was capable of having a relationship, I’d want it to be with her.”
“Then ask the woman out already. Shoot your damn shot. You never know, man.”
Easier said than done. Gavin knew a relationship wasn’t in the cards for him. Especially not with someone as good as Bean. Because he’d inevitably fuck things up, and it would make things awkward—with their friendship, with work, with... everything.
She deserved so much more than what he could give her. He just had to keep reminding himself of that.