Chapter 15
Fifteen
Rymar
I bided my time until Ayla went to sleep, but the talk I'd had with her on our way to Jeera's had stuck with me. It also wasn't something I wanted to get her involved in. When she'd told me about Zasen kissing her, she'd hurried to make sure he wouldn't get in trouble.
Too bad for him, he was.
So when the house started to quiet and the lights were mostly out, I made my way back downstairs. Not surprisingly, Zasen was sitting in his chair with a book open on his lap. I slipped around him, then sank onto the couch in the spot closest to him. This wasn't something I wanted to do at the top of our lungs.
"Why didn't you tell me you kissed her?" I asked.
His response was a sigh. "You had to be there to understand."
I simply leaned back and crossed my arms over my chest. By my feet, my tail flicked, my turquoise stinger partly visible as proof of my annoyance. I didn't try to retract it either.
"She made it clear she isn't interested," I reminded him.
With a snap, he closed his book, then leaned forward to place it on the coffee table. As he leaned back, Zasen turned to face me better. "Is she upset about it?"
"Confused," I corrected.
"Did she mention the part where I made it clear she belongs to herself and only herself?"
I slapped my hand down on the arm of the couch, biting back the snarl that wanted out. "I don't give a shit about that."
"Well, she does," he insisted.
"She doesn't understand consent," I shot back. "That woman believes that what a man wants, a man gets - and her only option is to make it hurt her the least amount possible. That means she can't consent, because it doesn't count unless she knows she can say no! But you? Oh, she looked damned good in those leather pants, right? Seeing her running around, swinging a dagger, or shooting a bow, or whatever she did?"
"A gun," he said softly.
I pulled in a hard breath, refusing to allow him to derail this. "I don't care how fucking sexy she looked, Zasen. I don't care how badly your dick tingles when she's around. Ayla said no, and it doesn't matter how long we've been friends. No means no."
He lifted his hands and patted the air. "I didn't just kiss her."
"Oh, you asked if she minded, she agreed, and then you put your mouth on her?" I asked snidely.
He dropped his head to his chest and sighed in defeat. "No. I..."
"You'd better have a damned good reason," I warned.
"That woman had just had her world turned inside out, Ry. She found out her mother was a Dragon, and the Moles are taking women from here, and that Savaeh is her sister. She took all of that like it was nothing , but over and over again, this one thing keeps sending her into a spiral. She's so fucking sure men will hurt her, so yes, I kissed her. I kissed her softly, I did not hold her against me, and then I made it very fucking clear that she owns herself, so don't give me that shit."
"And she did not consent!" I hissed, fighting to keep from yelling at him and waking Ayla up.
Closing his eyes, Zasen sighed as he reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "I know. I know there are some lines she will never cross unless she's shoved over them. I also know I won't hurt her, Ry."
"That's not your decision to make."
"It should be hers," he agreed, "but you know what? Those Moles took that from her. They convinced her that touching, caring, and any sign of affection is torture. She's fucking scared of it - and for a woman who shrugged off getting shot?"
"It was a graze," I reminded him.
"It still fucking hurts," he told me. "Trust me, I've had a few of those. It burns like grabbing an iron out of the fire. But Ayla? She doesn't care about that, yet she's terrified of something which would hurt so much less. So yes, I crossed a line. I pushed her, and I will keep pushing her, because I'm also watching to see how she reacts. To give her the chance to say no, to learn how consent works so she can empower herself, and she can't do that if she keeps running from anything resembling contact."
I huffed. "She doesn't have a problem contacting Kanik."
This time, it was Zasen snarling in the back of his throat. "Rub it in."
Okay, now that was not the response I'd expected, so I had to push. "And you're pissed that he's the one getting the girl?"
Zasen just shook his head. "No, man. Ry, you got me all wrong. I'm not pissed. I'm taking one for the team. See, if I don't show Ayla it's okay, and push her outside her comfort zone so she has to face her true fears, she'll never see what he's offering. She'll think they're just friends." Again, he shook his head. "And they aren't."
"They are," I promised. "Kanik's okay with it too. So you know, he wants to have her desire his company, nothing more."
"Oh, he wants a whole lot more," Zasen assured me. "He's also patient."
"So you think you're going to just slide in and steal the girl out from under him?" I asked, struggling not to roll my eyes at his arrogance. "You think that because he's nice he doesn't stand a chance? Or that you deserve her or something?"
"No..."
"Because that's not how it works," I said, talking over his feeble attempt at a reply. "It is very possible to be attracted to someone and them not feel it back. That doesn't mean they aren't a good person. It isn't a fucking reason to shut them out either!"
"Ry..." Zasen tried, but I slashed my hand through the air, cutting him off.
"I've had a thing for Kanik since we were in school!" I huffed. "You know that. Shit, it's why Tasult started inviting him to hang around, but when I figured out he's not into men, did I cut him out? Did I treat him like he was worthless? Did I fucking try to kiss him anyway?! "
"It's not like that," Zasen assured me. "That's not - "
"That is exactly what you did to her," I snapped. "Whether you want to explain it away or not, you still ignored her right to say no. You forced that woman to kiss you - "
"I didn't!" he barked, the words loud enough we both flinched and looked up at the floor above us. "Sorry," he went on, this time in a softer voice. "But I didn't force her, Ry."
"You didn't ask," I said yet again.
He lifted his hands as if holding me off. "I cupped the side of her face. I leaned in slowly enough that she could've pulled away. I had my hand resting against her so I'd feel it if she tried. I watched her, Rymar. I expected her to tense up, and I thought I was going to just whisper something to her, but there she was, looking up at me with those big blue eyes of hers. She fucking looked at me like she wanted me to kiss her. And yeah, maybe I was wrong, but I sure as shit didn't force it on her."
"Oh."
"I'm also not trying to steal her away from Kanik," he went on. "They're good together. She's..." He hummed thoughtfully. "She's so brave when she's with him. Never mind the way she looks at him!"
"She doesn't know she's doing it," I pointed out.
"She's still doing it," he said. "Ayla looks at Kanik with hope in her eyes, and they both deserve that. So no, I'm not trying to steal her away. I'm trying to be the fucking asshole so he doesn't have to. I'm pushing her, Rymar, so she'll lean on him. I'm fucking stepping up here, because that man thinks he's small, ugly, weak, and the last man any woman would want. Why? Because you never told him you were half in love with him. Because Lessa sneered at his 'boring brown scales.' Because even now, you're trying your best to treat him like a partner, and you're sticking up for him - and you know what? I am too, in my own way."
"It's not like that," I assured him.
Zasen glanced at me with a little smirk on his lips. "Not like what?"
"I'm not in love with him," I promised. "I do love him, though - the same way I love you. He's family, Zasen. You're family. We're..."
"Perfectly happy like this?" Zasen asked.
I sighed, knowing he was right. "Yeah. But you realize if she picks him, they'll get a nice little house somewhere, have an official church wedding, and then make a couple of beautiful little brown and blonde babies, right?"
"I wouldn't be so sure," Zasen said.
My eyes narrowed. "Okay? Why?"
Tilting slightly, Zasen leaned to rest his weight on the arm of the chair closest to me. "Because some beautifully brilliant man has been spoiling him. Because Kanik hears what you aren't saying, Ry, and so do I."
"And what's that?" I asked.
He lifted one shoulder in a halfhearted shrug. "That he's your partner. I'm your partner. Now, Ayla's becoming our partner too, and I don't know how the fuck that's going to work out, but even if she's like a sister to me, that woman is someone I want to keep around. I don't care if she's pissed off at me. What I care about, Ry, is that the little jar over there with a wad of your cash in it? This lecture? Those things say a hell of a lot more than your words."
I glanced away, aware I was losing this argument - if it was even one. "Kanik needs the extra. So does Ayla."
"Mhm," he agreed, those damned orange eyes of his so hard to miss when he stared at me like this.
"What the fuck do you want me to say?" I demanded.
"That you wouldn't mind a little of her attention," Zasen told me. "That she's 'just' your friend because you're a damned good man. That maybe, just maybe, you've stepped back for the exact same reason I'm trying to."
"Kanik," I realized.
Zasen tipped his head as if that was close, but not quite right. "And you. Admit it, you like her - and don't you fucking dare try to make this a friend thing."
"She's cute," I admitted, "but so are a lot of people. She's nice, but the same is true for that."
"Without the political rhetoric," he added.
I grunted in annoyance. "Fine. I'm impressed with the woman she's becoming, but I'm not ruled by my dick, Zasen."
"No, you never were," he agreed. "It's why I give you shit about it. You, my friend, are ruled by something that will fuck you up even more." He patted his chest, right over his heart, to make the point.
"And right now, my heart says that woman isn't ready for anything more than a friend."
"And I think you're wrong," he told me. "I also think I'm okay with being the asshole. Yes, I may have crossed a line, but you know what? She followed me across it. She learned one of the most important things ever, and the one thing I've been trying to teach her since she got here."
"What's that?"
He leaned back and let a little smile touch his lips. "That she really is our equal, Ry. That she can take a risk and survive it. That the one thing that scares her the most? Well, she's safe with us . All three of us. Think of this as my true revenge against the Moles."
"Kissing Ayla?" I asked, pretty sure I wasn't quite keeping up.
"No, showing Ayla the biggest lie they told her. Love isn't pain, and whether she ever does more than kiss someone? That's not nearly as important as her learning it's okay to embrace those feelings. That she's a Dragon, and she's strong enough to take it. Take, Rymar, not have it taken from her."
Slowly, I began to nod, realizing he might just have a point. "You're still a dick for kissing her."
"Yep," he agreed.
"But you're right."
"Mhm."
"And you will not do it again."
He began to chuckle. "Not without asking. Promise."
"Then we're good," I decided.