Phoenix’s Fire (The Ruins Of Men #2)

Chapter 61

Sixty-One

Meri

L essa had made me her assistant. Every day, she came to pick me up and walk me back to her place. I knew the way now, but I enjoyed the walks with her. We talked about all sorts of things - from the clothes people were wearing to how life worked in Lorsa. The best part was how my Vestrian was getting so much better.

Ayla had been right. It was an easy language to learn since it was basically English with a different accent. I couldn't quite say words like Lessa, Jeera, or Brielle did, but they rarely had to switch to English for me anymore. Even better, I'd returned Ayla's book to her and Brielle had given me another. It was in Vestrian.

I read it every night before bed. This was a story about a woman with a glass slipper and a prince. My favorite parts were the mice, though. Yet each night when I lay down, I found myself wondering what I was supposed to be doing.

Ayla had a goal. She was fighting back against the Righteous. She wanted to get Callah out. Me? I felt like I was simply wading through each day with no clue where I was going. Every time I started to daydream about a future, this thing inside me shifted or kicked, reminding me I was no longer my own person.

I'd always dreamed of being a good wife. My father had said that was what a woman should aspire to. My mother had been a good woman, and many had mourned her when she passed. Me? I was an embarrassment. I'd let them all think I'd had relations with my own brother! My husband despised me, and this thing inside me would never let me forget that period of my life.

What if the baby looked like Gideon? Worse, what if it was cruel like him? Would I spend the rest of my life struggling to do my best by this child, only to be reminded of all my failures? Would I simply be bringing the horrors down there up here?

But there was nothing to be done about it now. I'd married Gideon. I'd told Ayla to save him because he was handsome and charming. I'd been so excited to be the wife of such a catch. I'd been proud, and shallow, and stupid!

Oddly, I'd never imagined myself as a mother. Oh, I'd known it would happen, but my fantasies about Gideon had been holding hands and standing beside him as we were wed. I'd thought about how I'd serve his meals and keep his home. I'd even imagined myself telling him I was pregnant, but never anything after that.

I was pretty sure that was because women didn't take their babies out of their marriage suites. Infants were loud and needy. Toddlers were awkward and curious. I'd been told those things, but I didn't truly understand what they meant, and my only knowledge of what motherhood would look like had been seeing my younger siblings as I was growing up.

I'd been sent to the girls' hall at the age of ten, but I'd been helping to clean before then. I'd never been allowed to change my younger siblings' diapers, though. They'd both been brothers, and a girl wasn't allowed to see such things. I just remembered them crying. Always crying.

I didn't want that.

The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted, and the more Lessa asked me about it, the worse my answer got. Yesterday, it had simply been that I didn't want to be Gideon's wife anymore, so when Lessa showed up to walk me to "work," I wasn't all that surprised to hear she'd made plans for us.

"It's time your marriage ended," she said as Brielle let her in.

"Did you find out how?" Brielle asked.

Which made Lessa grin. "Yep. I talked to Rymar. He said they had Ayla's marriage annulled, but Meri says that's different. She agreed to her marriage, so I think she needs a divorce."

"Yeah, but divorces require the other party to be notified," Jeera pointed out from a chair in the living room.

Lessa shrugged that off, pulling a letter from her bag. "I have here an official order from the deputy mayor of Lorsa," she said. "Because Meri was cast out, she's considered dead by the community she was with, which means her husband has already moved on." Then she looked at me. "So, do you want to stop being Gideon's wife?"

"Yes!" I gasped, hurrying toward her. "Really?"

"We have to walk to City Hall," she explained. "Then we need to file a document with the town that dissolves your previous marriage as being unlawful in the city of Lorsa. They will make up a paper for you that shows you're divorced from him, and he won't even need to be there because we don't even know if he's alive."

Which made me pause. "He could be dead?"

"We killed a lot of your hunters last time," Jeera reminded me. "To us, they all look the same. Freakishly pale people with blonde hair and blue eyes."

"Some are grey," I pointed out.

Jeera just shrugged. "Close enough. Pale men in black with guns. I promise we don't slow down long enough to notice much about them."

"What if he is dead?" Brielle asked me gently. "Does that bother you, Meri? "

I reached down to caress my belly. "It would be better."

"If he is," Lessa said, "we don't have to do this. I mean, we could assume he's dead and call you a widow, if that works better?"

I thought about that for all of two seconds. "No. I want to undo the marriage. Even if he's dead, I don't want him to have any claim on me. If there is a heaven, I don't want to be his. I don't ever want him to have a claim on me!"

"Then let's do this," Lessa said.

Jeera and Brielle told me to have a good day, and then we left. All the walking really was making me stronger, just like Naomi had said. I'd also had another checkup, which basically said the same thing as before. The baby hadn't turned, it wasn't in position, but I could have this baby any time.

She also didn't think it would be too soon. My cervix - which she'd explained to me - wasn't ready yet. The changes to my body could've been because I was so thin, but I'd been eating a lot and gaining weight. Now, my dresses fit better, and Lessa was saying that if they got tight, she'd make me more, so I should eat as much as I could.

And walk. So much walking. I loved this part, though. The sunlight was so bright, but the town? Everywhere we went, people were smiling and laughing. Plus, the colors! Everything was in such bold and vivid colors, even when it was pastel. From the blue sky to the dazzling clothing, and even the buildings around us, it seemed Dragons really liked to use color.

Some houses were green, or yellow, or even blue. Flowers grew everywhere in so many different shades, I couldn't name them all. Signs were painted to stand out. It was as if the entire world was trying its hardest to prove it was alive, and I was still struggling to wrap my mind around this.

"You know," I told Lessa, "in the compound, they told us the Earth was burning."

"Mhm," she murmured. "And there's a battle between God and the Devil."

I nodded. "But it's so pretty. All the trees and sky and just everything. How can the hunters think it's burning?"

"Meri, I have no idea," she admitted. "They also think I'm just an animal, but I promise I dress too good to be a beast."

I giggled at that. "You really do."

"And soon you will too," she promised. "One day, I'll even get you into a pair of pants."

"But the baby..." I reminded her.

She shrugged. "Pregnant women can wear pants, Meri. Or shorts." She pointed at someone to show what she meant. "Or anything you feel comfortable in."

I nodded, taking that in. It also made me look closer at the people we passed. Tailed women were never pregnant. They'd explained that to me, but there were a lot of tailless people in town as well. About a third of the population, I'd been told, yet they seemed to be around every corner - and plenty of those women had a rounded belly.

Some were fat. Brielle had explained it to me on my last doctor's visit. Naomi had told me not to worry about becoming that way, so I'd asked Brielle as we'd walked home. Now, when I saw people with extra weight, I couldn't help but smile. Just the thought of being able to have that much food? And the way it made their bodies curvy and soft?

Things were so different up here, and for the first time, I was starting to realize I could have a second chance. I could become someone - I just didn't know who. I had no clue what I liked, or hated, or anything else. I'd always worked so hard to be right and proper that I'd pushed all my own opinions so far down, they felt like they belonged to a stranger.

"And here we are," Lessa said, reaching out to wrap an arm around my back as we headed up a set of stairs. "This is City Hall, and it's where Rymar works."

"The yellow man with Ayla?" I asked.

She nodded. "But we're not going to see him today, or the mayor."

"Which one is he?"

"Big, black and red. Very big."

"The man from my first day," I realized.

Lessa nodded. "I wasn't there, but yes. The same man who gives the announcements from the stage. His name is Jerlis, and while he's large and grumpy, the man is also a wimp." And she grinned in a way that was surprisingly reassuring.

The building was massive, though. Inside, it reminded me a bit of the compound, but brighter. There were windows to see outside, and all the ceilings were taller. Still, a dozen doors were visible on the long hall, and more halls branched off up ahead.

Lessa led me down one to the right, then turned into a decent-sized room. Without letting go of me, she guided me forward to a window like in Naomi's clinic where an older woman waited on the other side. Her hair was pale, her scales were a muted green, and yet somehow her skin was wrinkled.

"Can I help you?" she asked when we were close enough.

"My friend here needs to file paperwork for the dissolution of her marriage," Lessa explained, passing over the document she'd shown off at the house.

"Okay, and we're going to need to..." The woman's words trailed off as she scanned the page. "Oh." Then her eyes jumped over to me. "You're a refugee from the Moles?"

"Um, yes?" I managed, aware my words came out nervously high-pitched.

She offered me a gentle smile. "The Phoenix's friend, I heard."

"Ayla," Lessa clarified.

I nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

Then the woman hummed as if she was thinking. "Okay, so it says here that your husband is out of reach and considers you dead?"

I nodded quickly. Nervously. "Yes, ma'am. I was banished, so they think the beasts above got me. They also think the world is burning and a lot of other bad things, so he's probably courting another girl, and she'll marry him, and - "

"Shhh...." Lessa soothed. "It's okay, Meri. "

But the older woman grumbled. "Monsters, all of them." Then she sucked in a breath and looked at me. "The men," she clarified quickly.

"Yes, ma'am," I mumbled.

Yet her eyes had dropped to my waist. "Is the child his?"

My heart hung. If I said yes, would she refuse to end my marriage? Would they do something to me? Make me wait until the baby was here? Send me back?!

"It is," Lessa answered for me. "She doesn't want him to have parental rights, though, so she won't be listing him as the father."

"Well, that makes filling this out easier," the woman said.

But my heart was still pounding too hard. My chest hurt from the ache of it. This was Gideon's child. His, and he had a right to it. If he ever found out we were alive, then what? And what would I tell the child? I couldn't give the child stories of how I'd loved him, because I never really had.

I'd liked the idea of a good marriage. I'd liked that he was handsome and doted on me. I'd barely known him, though! He was a man, and stern, and punished me to make me behave even when I was already doing my best. If I just told the child his name, would that be enough? Or would I have to explain how much he'd hurt me?

"Okay," the woman said. "Now, as a refugee, you don't have a sign, so I'll need you to just sign your name here."

"First name only," Lessa told me. "We don't have last names."

"You don't?" That was surprising enough to snap me out of the panic I was trying to have.

She shook her head. "Our name and our sign. That's all."

So I picked up the pen and signed my first name, then passed it back. The woman stamped the paper, crimped it with a device, and then wrote something down on another set of papers. When she was done, she slid the first paper back towards me.

"And this is your copy. If you sign here, you're officially a single woman again." Her clawed finger tapped a line with an X beside it.

I hurried to sign, then looked over the paper she'd given me. It was simple, stating only that it was a certificate of a dissolution of marriage. My name was there, but Gideon's wasn't. Instead, it only said foreign male.

"It's not even his name," I mumbled, looking up at Lessa.

"Rymar said it would be better like this," Lessa assured me. "No need to give Gideon any rights in Lorsa at all. He's nothing more than a foreign male. And now, we're done. Ready to head to my place and get some work done?"

I looked at the woman behind the counter. "Thank you!"

"You are very welcome, Merienne," she said. "Congratulations on your new life here in Lorsa."

I felt like I was weightless. Like I was floating. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face even as Lessa turned me to the door and guided me out. But as we turned into the hall, a child ran smack into me, making me stumble back.

"I told you not to run ahead!" a woman barked .

The child was a tailless boy barely old enough to be able to run. Three? Maybe? His hair was a dusty brown, his skin was tawny, but when he looked up at me, he had bright blue eyes. Eyes like mine. Eyes like everyone in the compound.

"No," I breathed, backing away.

"Hey, hey, hey..." Lessa breathed, hugging me against her. "It's just a little boy. He didn't mean to."

"Sermal, get over here!" the child's mother snapped as she hurried forward with another child clinging to her hand and a toddler on her hip. "Tell the lady you're sorry."

"No!" the kid said, looking defiant.

"I need to go," I told Lessa.

"It's fine," Lessa told the mother, hurrying me past her. "Accidents happen!" And she guided me right past her, through the halls, and all the way outside quickly enough that I felt myself breathing faster. Shallower.

Pale eyes. Defiant eyes. Mole eyes. My brain was stuck on a loop of how many times I'd cowered before eyes like that. The pain that had come after. The reminders that I was his, would always be his, and my only job was to give him children!

"Meri?" she asked once we were outside. "Are you okay? Is it the baby? Labor?"

I shook my head. "This baby's going to look like Gideon, and I'll always see him staring at me, and I'll never be able to get rid of him. They just ended my marriage, but he still owns me. He made me have his baby, and it's part of him, and I don't want this!"

"Shh..." she breathed, hugging me close. "It's okay, Meri. It's all going to be okay."

"But it's not!" I mumbled against her shoulder. "I'm not ready! I don't want this. I just want to sew, and look at the colors, and help Drozel with his tail. I want to be me, but I'll never be me again, because Gideon's the one who got to choose. He's the one who wanted me bred. He's the one who made this child, and I can't stop it! I can't change it, Lessa. I can't do anything because I'm just a woman, and - "

"No!" she snapped, pushing me back so she could see my face. "Merienne, that is not how this works. Yes, you are pregnant, but you are a woman! You are not his possession. You are not defined by this child. Yes, you are the only one who can decide what you want to do next, but your future is not decided for you simply because of the baby."

"But..." I tried.

She just shook her head. "He may have done this to you, and I can't even imagine what that feels like, but the first thing you need to do, Meri, is stop ignoring it. Stop trying to do what you're told, and do more of this."

"This?"

"Freaking the fuck out," she said. "Panic, yell, and then change your mind. Decide if you want this child or not. Decide if you are going to make this child into a Dragon who is nothing like its father, or if you're going to let someone else do it so you don't have to relive the past every day. Both are good options. Both are going to be hard. But here's the thing."

She caught both sides of my face, making me look up at her. "You are a woman, Merienne. Up here, that means you are in control of your own life and that child's. You get to decide which direction this goes. Not Gideon. Not Ayla, or me, or anyone else. Just you, and to do that, you have to be honest with yourself."

"I don't know how," I admitted.

She gently smoothed my hair back. "So let's talk about it, okay? I give you my word that I won't judge you as you explore all the many ways to think. Cruel things, kind things, or stupid things. Today, we're going to just imagine the what-ifs, because I think that's where you need to start."

"But what if I say something that makes you hate me?" I asked.

She scoffed. "Meri, I promise I've done worse things than you could ever come up with. And if you do manage? Well, then that's just more proof we're meant to be friends, right? Fuck being what anyone else wants. Sometimes, we deserve to have a tantrum, think mean things, and get it all out. That way, we can figure out which ones feel good and which feel wrong for us. I mean, that's how I handle things."

"I'll try," I promised.

So she turned me toward the road, once again wrapping her arm around my shoulders. "And trying is one of those things that's harder than most people realize. You're doing great, Meri."

Finally, I felt my entire body relax. I was doing great. No one had ever told me that before, and it felt good. It felt almost like I might have something to work towards after all.