Phoenix’s Fire (The Ruins Of Men #2)

Chapter 62

Sixty-Two

Ayla

H olly was doing great with her new command to disarm people. The dog loved it, and Kanik had been helping me figure out how to show Holly that she should never run straight at someone to get the "toy" from their hand. If she tried, we made her stop, come back, and try again. It hadn't taken her long to figure out that circling people meant she got better play time.

But teaching Tamin how to control her was also important. First, because my dog was a lot bigger than the child, but mostly because he just needed to know. If there was an emergency, I wanted him to be able to control her. If anything happened to me, I wanted him to have her. And when I'd explained all of that to Zasen, he'd readily agreed to help.

So tonight, he and Kanik were going to be teaching Tamin how to not only use Holly, but also how to be safe around her with a bow. He had his child-sized weapons with practice arrows that had dull tips. They were still dangerous, though, so I was a little nervous about this, but Zasen assured me nothing would happen. He'd make sure Tamin had the idea before the boy got any bolts or arrows.

And all of this meant Saveah and I could spend some time together tonight. She agreed with me that we should look into the women who'd gone missing, so our big plan was to head to the library. I was anxiously waiting on her to get here when Rymar sauntered into the living room wearing clothes I'd never seen on him before.

"Is that a new shirt?" I asked.

He stopped hard, flinching like he hadn't expected me to be there. "I thought you were outside," he said, proving me right.

"Zasen and Kanik are going to teach Tamin tonight while Saveah and I go to the library. "

"Ah," he said. "And no, this isn't a new shirt. Just one I wear when I want to look nice."

"You do," I assured him. "I don't know what to call that color, but it makes you look even brighter and shows off your..." I gestured across my upper chest, demonstrating how wide his was.

"The color is dark teal," he said, "and muscles. That's the word you wanted." He flexed an arm playfully.

"Are you working?" I asked.

He opened his mouth to reply, but had a few false starts before he said, "Meeting a friend at the bar."

"I hope you and your friend have fun."

He ducked his head and chuckled. "Yeah. Me too. Have fun with your sister, Ayla."

Then he left, but the door was barely closed behind him before it opened again. I saw Rymar's hand on the doorknob, but Tamin rushed in. Saveah followed, saying something to Rymar before he closed the door again.

"Okay," she said once she was inside. "Tamin, go find Uncle Zasen and Uncle Kanik?"

I pointed to the back door. "They're outside with Holly."

"Holly!" Tamin squealed, running that way.

Saveah just chuckled, shaking her head at her son's foolishness. "And Kanik really doesn't mind watching Taris?" she asked, turning to show the bundle that was her daughter.

"Nope," I said. "The guys are excited about it. They also said I need some girl time."

" I need some girl time," Saveah assured me as she headed towards the back. "Give me a moment."

She'd brought her bag of baby things, and was carrying that when she headed out back, but didn't have either it or her children when she returned. Then we left. I was honestly a little excited about this, partly because I wanted to find the names of the women who'd been kidnapped by the Moles, but mostly because I'd never spent this much time alone with Saveah.

"Is it weird?" I asked once we were outside, heading to the library.

"Is what weird?"

"Leaving your children with someone else."

She laughed. "Yes and no. It was at first, but raising a child is a lot, Ayla. Babies are so needy because they can't do anything on their own. Tasult was there to help with Tamin, but it didn't take long before both of us were completely exhausted. They wake up in the middle of the night to be fed, need their diapers changed, and it's like there's never enough time to just rest."

"Oh," I said, because the wives didn't talk about such things.

Saveah nodded. "Yeah, I mean, I love it, but it's nice to have a break. Well, after about six weeks, those guys came over, sent me and Tasult to bed, and said they had the baby. Tamin, I mean. It took three of them to feed and change him that night, but they learned, we learned, and by the time Taris was born, they've been lifesavers for me trying to do this on my own."

"They've been lifesavers for me too," I said. "But men are confusing."

"How so?" she asked.

I walked a few more steps in silence, trying to find the right words. "Well, everything I was told down there is a lie up here. I get that, but then Zasen told me he had sex with Lessa, and then she told me he's good at it, and that I should try, but Zasen promised he won't kiss me again." I grunted, realizing that sounded all wrong. "But like Rymar said people only share money when they're together like Brielle and Jeera. Everyone in the house is sharing money now, but Rymar also said Kanik doesn't like him like that and Zasen is like his brother. So they aren't a couple. Couples?"

"Partners is the word you're looking for," she told me. "And a family is what you call it when a group of people are romantic together. Doesn't matter what order either."

I nodded. "But they're just my friends."

"Are they?" she asked.

"They are my friends!" I insisted. "And that's okay up here."

"I meant the 'just' part," she clarified. "See, it's possible for someone to be a friend and more, Ayla, and that's allowed."

I nodded, thinking about it. "How do I know if I want more than friends?"

That made her push out a heavy breath. "Yeah, that's not an easy question." Then she hummed in thought. "I want to say you just know, but that doesn't help. Um, I think it's when you start thinking about touching them, or kissing them."

"I thought about kissing Zasen," I mumbled.

But Saveah sucked in an excited breath and jerked me to a stop. "What?"

"After the bear," I explained. "He hugged me, and he kept looking at my mouth, and I thought about how it didn't hurt when he kissed me."

"Just Zasen?"

I groaned and pulled away, walking towards the library. Saveah tossed her arms up, but hurried a few steps to catch up. She was also grinning at me as if she was enjoying herself.

"I think Kanik's handsome," I told her.

"He's cute," she agreed. "I mean, I happen to like tall and lean, and he's not that, but he is cute."

"But Lessa said he's just brown, and Kanik thinks he's ugly!"

Saveah made another thinking noise. I was pretty sure she was working hard to say things just right for me. Mostly because all of this stuff was so different than everything I'd been taught.

"Ayla, Kanik is not the kind of man most would call handsome."

"Why?"

"Because handsome is high cheekbones and sharp jaws. It's men who are strong and confident," she explained. "Tall, muscular, and things like that. Brightly colored is also a big one. "

"Like Zasen and Rymar," I said, because I'd been told that before.

"Not like Kanik," she said. "However, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Have you ever heard that before?"

"No."

"It means that if you think he's handsome, then he is. But since most don't, he won't be used to hearing it. That phrase means I might say green is my favorite color, but yours could be pink."

"I like all the colors," I admitted. "Everyone keeps asking me about a favorite, and I like them all. They're so bold and bright and happy-looking."

"And most people have a favorite," she said. "But that's exactly what I'm talking about. Your opinion isn't wrong, it's just not as common as picking a single color. You're allowed to like all the colors, and to think Kanik is handsome, and everything else." Then she leaned closer and fake-whispered, "You're also allowed to think about kissing men."

"But that's just a silly fantasy, right?"

"What is?"

We were getting close to the library. I knew that place was quiet, which meant even whispers would carry, so I stopped well before we reached it and turned to face her.

"I read books about love that had women's hearts beating faster and men professing their feelings," I explained. "The men would kiss her passionately, and she'd like it. He'd tumble her into bed, and she'd like it. Then he'd be kind and considerate, and treat her so well!"

"Romance novels," she said.

I could only shrug. "But that's not what it's like. Sex hurts so bad the first time, it makes a woman bleed, and - "

She caught my arm, stopping my words. "No." Just to make her point, she shook her head. "No, Ayla, that is not how it works. Rape hurts. Sex? It feels so good. The first time, it can be a little weird and awkward, but that's not the same as hurting. See, Dragons are all taught about reproduction in school. We learn how the vagina lubricates, about the hymen, and all of that."

"We do too," I assured her. "Well, not the lubricating part."

"It's called getting wet," she explained, pausing to glance around. "And when that happens, it makes it not hurt. Not even the first time, but the woman has to be aroused and relaxed. Moles don't do either of those things, it sounds like."

"Meri said it hurt," I mumbled.

"I'm sure it did," she agreed, "but I have two children, Ayla. I've had plenty of sex, and I liked it. With Tasult, and with men before him. But you, little sister, aren't even in the realm of thinking about sex yet. Right now, you need to consider if you want to hold hands or kiss a man."

"I do," I said. "Sometimes."

"And sometimes is allowed," she promised.

"But Zasen said I have to do it first. He also said I could practice with them. "

My sister struggled not to smile so hard she ended up biting her lips together. "Mhm," she said around it.

"What?" I asked.

"Ayla, those men like you as a friend - as a very good friend. They also wouldn't mind if you liked them as more. They will not push you. Well, Zasen will, but you know what I mean. They won't do things you don't want. They certainly won't hurt you, so if you want to kiss one of them, do it."

"I don't know how!" I reminded her. "I've kissed two men in my life!"

"Two?"

"Mr. Saunders and Zasen."

She nodded. "Right. The supposed husband. Fucking Moles." Then she reached up and clasped my shoulder. "Okay, I'm going to give you a way to cheat. Ready?"

I nodded eagerly.

"If you want to kiss one of those men - at any time, for any reason - you just tell them. All you have to do is say, 'I want to kiss you but don't know how,' and then he'll help you figure it out, and I promise you he won't think anything of it. I mean, he'll probably like it, but he won't assume he owns you, or that it will go further than a kiss."

"But how can you be sure?" I asked.

She gave me a devious little smirk. "Because when I pick up my children, I'm going to pull them aside and have a little chat with them," she said. "See, that's what big sisters are for. I get to smooth things out so it's one less thing for you to be nervous about."

"But why?"

"Because you're my sister and they're my friends."

I nodded, understanding that well enough. "So why don't you want to kiss one?"

She shrugged. "I used to, back when we were kids. I actually had a thing for Rymar, but I think most girls in school did. But then we became friends, and they're more like brothers to me, Ayla. I'm also not ready."

"Because of Tasult?"

"Yeah." And she turned me towards the library. "See, our men are wonderful things. They're loving and kind. They're sexy and good fathers. And having someone like that in your life? It's hard when they're gone. Like losing Meri would've been. Or Mom!"

"I'm sorry the hunters killed him," I told her. "He sounds like such a wonderful person."

"And being in love is the best feeling ever," she told me. "It's not something to avoid, Ayla. Getting your heart broken sucks, but you can't figure out what you want in a partner until you try being with someone and learning what you like. We call it dating, and sometimes it doesn't work, because men have the right to like and dislike things too. It's not permanent, it's not ownership, and it's okay to want it. "

I was watching the rocks under us as I listened to her, nodding because she had good points. "What if I don't like it?"

"Then you don't," she said.

"But what if I mess things up?" I pressed. "What if I do something so wrong that they don't want to be my friends anymore? What if I make it weird because I don't want to, um, not be their wife, but you know what I mean?"

"Get serious," she said, showing she did. "But if that happens, then I have an extra room where my sister can live," she assured me. "But Ayla, you're a fighter. You are the Phoenix! Try acting like you have a little fire for once?"

I liked that. Everything about the idea made me want to smile, so I nodded as we made our way up the stairs. "Okay," I decided, pulling open the door so she could go first. "And maybe while we search for these names, you can explain dating to me? Rymar tried, but I don't think I understand yet."

"Promise," she said. "Ayla, these are exactly the sorts of things you can talk to me about. Even if you just want to run across the street to ask, I promise I will spend as much time explaining it as you need." Then she lowered her voice as we entered the actual library. "I'll save the kinky stuff for later."

"Kinky?" I asked, not knowing what that word meant.

She giggled, shoving a hand over her mouth to muffle it. "Perverted. See, up here, that's not necessarily a bad thing either. And between us, no secrets. Someone has to look out for you, and that's my job now. Means you have nothing at all to be embarrassed about with me, and I'll do the same with you."

I nodded in agreement. "Deal."

Then she pointed. "The records area is over here. Pretty sure that's where we'll find the lists of everyone lost in the Mole attacks."