Chapter 76
Seventy-Six
Callah
T hat night I lay in my bed, thinking about how small I'd felt when Tobias had hugged me. No, weak - but also not. Then there was the way he'd held me. Not like he'd wanted to crush me, but more like he was working so hard to keep from hurting me. The man was impressively large, but so gentle, and the disparity between those two things made me want to smile and giggle like a stupid little girl.
But we were friends. Just friends. Completely safe friends. That was why I'd liked it so much. I couldn't count the number of times I'd hugged Ayla or Meri when we were little. It had become less frequent as we got older, but mostly because it was discouraged. After all, friendships could lead to gossip.
Then again, maybe we needed some gossip. The real question was what I was going to do about all of this. I knew I was in the unique position to make changes down here, and that if I left, things were only going to get worse for all these women who were already terrified.
But what could I do?
We couldn't all attack the men. They were stronger than us. They had weapons, and many of them knew how to use them. Sure, I might know the basic method of operation, but that would not compare to men who shot those guns every month. Men who'd seen what they did to a body - even if it wasn't a human one. So a full-scale rebellion was pointless.
Wait. Rebellion.
What we needed to do was find a way to resist the rules of men. Not to outright defy them, but simply to protect ourselves without giving in and letting them have everything they wanted. But how? Sadly, I didn't know enough about a wife's duties to even begin to guess at our options, but I knew who would .
The next day, I made it through sermon thinking about this. I was so preoccupied, I nearly missed Mr. Cassidy's announcement.
"I'm going to read a list of names. Each and every one of you will no longer be required to attend sermon after today. For the boys on this list, you will be contacted by a mentor to help you choose your profession. For the ladies, you will have this time to finalize your choice of suitor, and all proposals are now considered valid for these names."
Then he started reading. Mine was the third on the list, seeing as how my last name started with an A. Many of the boys huffed out a "yes," when they were called. Others nodded proudly. Most of the girls paled or gripped their hands a little tighter.
This was it. We were now considered to have graduated, and Tobias wasn't even here to celebrate it with me. But confused looks were being traded around the room. Finally, Mr. Cassidy reached the end of his list.
"For the girls whose names I called, your weddings will be held on the Day of the Seven Trumpets. If your name was not called, your weddings will be held afterwards. We are spacing them out so as to not overcrowd the dining hall. And for all of our new graduates, let me be the first to congratulate you on becoming a man or a woman."
Politely, the students all clapped. Then we were excused - but only if our name had been called. Mr. Cassidy stood at the door, giving each of us a parting word and encouraging us girls to check our lists to be sure of our choices. Because of that, it seemed all of us made our way to the women's area.
I wasn't the first one in the room, nor the last. This was a large, open space meant for women's issues. Cloth scraps were kept at the side for the girls to practice our stitching on. No, theirs. As of today, I was now considered a woman. Not that anything had changed, but I needed to get my mind around the change in my status.
"My list changed!" someone gasped.
"They do that," I said.
Which made nine other heads turn to gape at me. "What, why?" Rebekka asked.
"Because men have announced a proposal or have been married. Because others have been found unable to serve as a husband. Usually, that means a hunter who was killed, but it could be a catastrophic accident. Sometimes, it's because he's too old. Mr. Ross and Mr. Danburn are no longer allowed to marry. If you look at Rebekka's list, I'm sure Tobias isn't on hers anymore."
Someone searched, running her finger down that page. "He's not," she confirmed.
So I flopped my hand at them as if that proved my point.
"But most of us haven't accepted proposals!" one of them whined.
"The widows are also required to be married. Some of them have been without a husband for more than three months. I'm sure they'll be married alongside us. That will take a few men from your lists. "
"What am I supposed to do?" a girl begged. "These men are all old!"
"I wanted a handsome man," another said.
"At least a kind one," someone else added. "I could handle unappealing if he would just be kind."
I meandered over to the cloth scraps. All of this fabric was so thin as to be unusable for clothing. It had been worn by too many generations of people, but it worked for training girls how to sew. Other pieces were picked apart for the threads. Flashes of color were visible. I saw brighter shades like rust and greens. There was plenty of pink and blue.
But I wasn't really interested in the fabric. I just wanted to look busy as my mind spun. I was lucky. I was marrying a man who was actually my friend - and I still felt sick with worry. I kept wondering what I'd do if he was like Gideon, acting so sweet and caring before the wedding, only to care about nothing but fornication afterwards. Being willing to abuse me in order to get it! And with Tobias, if he held me down, there would be nothing at all I could do to stop him.
What I needed was to talk to the wives. Deenah would have some sage advice for me. Helah would find a way to at least make me feel like I wasn't alone. Felicity would lay it all out there without muddling the words by trying to be too delicate.
No, wait. That was exactly what I needed to do. All of us, actually.
So I clapped my hands the way Ms. Lawton often did. "Girls, we are going to the wives' laundry area to get some advice from the women who've been there before."
"We're not supposed to go there," one of them said.
I scoffed. "We're officially women now. That means it's exactly where we should be. It's also where we'll get the answers none of us have. So come. Looking at your list again and again won't make it change. Remember their names, and let's go ask about the men who carry them, hm?" I gestured to the door. "Better being useful than fretting."
Surprisingly, they actually listened! None of them told me I was overstepping. If anything, they were more than willing to let me make their decisions for them, but that made sense. We were all so lost and confused that it became easier to do what we were told than to figure out how to get around it all.
When we reached the women's area, I walked in first. "Excuse me, ladies?" I asked as I made my way into view. "We have all just graduated today, and we've come to ask for advice from those who've been here before."
"Stuck with a list of bad names and not sure what to do?" an older woman asked. I was sure she had to be over thirty.
I nodded. "Exactly. And the lists seem to be changing quickly."
"Callah!" Helah called, hurrying around the bodies to make her way over. "I thought you'd accepted Tobias Warren!"
"I did," I assured her, catching her hands to squeeze them in greeting once she was close enough. "But my friends here aren't that lucky. I thought maybe some of you would know the men they have to choose from. "
"Come!" the older wife said, waving them in and exposing her rather pregnant body in the process. "Sit, girls."
"Women," Helah fake-whispered as a reminder. "They just became official women today."
"Mine are all old men," a girl named Febee explained.
"Mm, means your mother was likely in quarantine," one of the wives pointed out.
"She was," Febee admitted.
That made a few of the wives nod. "Seems the daughters from quarantine are often listed to only the men with far too many children in the community."
"Like Mr. Saunders?" I asked.
"Exactly," she confirmed.
"I don't have him," Febee said.
"Then you're related to him," Helah said. "But who do you have?"
"Uh, girls, we should at least offer help to the women helping us, no?" I flicked a finger at the basins with water running through them.
That was all it took to get the nine of them up and headed for an open spot to assist with the washing. Beside me, Helah leaned in to rub my arm.
"You're a good woman, Callah."
"I'm just trying to figure out a way to use this change to our advantage," I told her. "I'm not sure how, but it feels like something has changed, and I don't see why we can't make that change work for us as well."
"Nothing works for us," Deenah called from where she was still washing.
That made the discussion of men fade as people looked at me. "But why can't it?" I asked.
"How?" the older woman asked. "You girls will be married. Within the year, you'll all be pregnant, and that's hard enough on us when we're twenty. Starting younger?" She shook her head. "I've had eight children. Eight! Two of them were stillborn. Three didn't survive the first few months. That leaves me with three children, and all but this one are living in the halls now."
She meant the boys' hall or the girls'. I nodded to show I was keeping up, but I wasn't sure what to say. I couldn't imagine losing a child!
"But isn't this helping the girls?" Helah asked. "We know the older men. Our husbands work with them, and we've often washed beside one of their wives. We know much more about them than girls in sermon would ever hear. Sharing it is helping."
"And when these men complain about it?" the older woman asked. "That's what I mean. For every good we do, our husbands find a way to punish us for it. Often, that's taking away our children, either by sending them to the nursery or bringing labor early with the rod."
Helah sucked in a breath. "They don't know about such things, Judith!"
"Maybe we should," I said calmly. "Maybe all the secrecy is part of the problem?" I gestured to Helah's head. "We hide our wounds. We don't discuss the way men treat us. We shield their secrets, making it easier for another girl to unknowingly be harmed because of it. But what if we can do something else?"
"Like what?" Judith, the older woman demanded.
"I don't know!" I snapped. "That's the problem. I don't know what it's like to be a wife. I don't know how to help, but I know wounds are common, and I can fix those."
"Not after you're married," someone else said. "Your husband won't want to have your attention taken from him like that."
"Actually," I corrected, "Mr. Warren wants me to keep healing. He hopes I will become like Mrs. Worthington, because he likes knowing I will put him back together if he gets hurt while hunting."
"So what if one of us comes knocking at your door?" Judith demanded. "How much will he like it then?"
"Judith, her man is simple," Deenah said. "He'd be easily pacified."
"And I'd help," I told her. "If it's something sensitive, ask me to come help with a stain? Or beg a crochet hook? I don't know, but something that wouldn't make men take notice."
"The crochet hook is a good idea," Helah said. "Most of us have spares, and it's the sort of women's issue men would simply ignore."
"It's also a quick request," a girl added. "Ask for the hook, take one home, but know your friend will meet you later at an assigned time."
"What?" Judith asked.
So the girl turned to her friend. "I broke my last crochet hook. Do you have a spare I can borrow?"
"Certainly!" her friend replied, pretending to hand one over before shaking her head like she didn't know what else to do.
So the first girl replied, "Thank you. I'll get it back to you after dinner in the laundry." She turned back to the wives. "And just like that, your friend will know to make sure she - or someone else - meets you after dinner in the laundry."
Judith's mouth was hanging open. "That's actually a great idea."
"And," I said, deciding to run with it, "it means we can help each other. If someone is bogged down with chores, or if a husband is angry, or if there's an injury that needs attending. We no longer have to do it all on our own."
"Warnings too," Deenah said. "If a husband is complaining about a problem that's going to grow, warn the other wives so they know to be out of the home, or to be extra quiet that day."
"To brace," another wife agreed. "Yes! That would help more than you can imagine."
"Okay, girl," Judith said to the one who'd mimed the crochet hook trade. "Come here and tell me what men are on your list. Maybe we can find someone who isn't odious."
"Thank you!" the girl breathed, hurrying over.
"I know some as well," another woman said .
But Helah just leaned closer. "Things are changing, Callah. Not always the way we want, but this?" She flashed me a relieved smile. "You're making it a lot better."
"I didn't do that," I countered.
She made a disagreeing noise. "You got them talking. You brought them here. No, the idea wasn't all yours, but you made a space where it was inevitable. That, my dear, is what we need the most right now: a leader."