Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
brIAR
I t had been two days since I’d shown up at the Wilder Retreat, not knowing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. And in those two days, my emotions had gone all over the place. It was hard to keep focused on anything other than what was growing in my womb, and yet the worries of what would come next haunted me.
“Okay, you’ve had your vitamins, you’re hydrated, and you’ve already had your protein for the morning. We’re doing great.”
I smiled over at Teagan’s familiar refrain. My sister had her phone in her hand, most likely going through the checklist for the morning. If we had been at home, she probably would have had her paper planner out, but that planner only stayed at her desk. I wasn’t quite sure why there was a difference, but that was why she was Teagan, and I was Briar.
We were the two girls in a family full of men. And when we had lost our mother, we had banded together trying to be the feminine space in the house. Though we both had been far too young to even understand what that meant at the time.
And frankly, in the house we had grown up in, there would never have been a time for that anyway. Not with the yelling. Not with the fighting. Not with the constant berating.
I ran my hands over my belly, and pressed my lips together, hoping that I wouldn’t cry. I cried at the drop of a hat these days, and I really didn’t want to do that again.
“What’s wrong?” Teagan asked.
I looked up to see my sister had moved closer to me, worry on her face. “I was just thinking about Ashford.”
Understanding filled her gaze, and she knew I wasn’t merely talking about the small town we had grown up in. No, it was about exactly who we had grown up with. The fact that we bore the same name as the town didn’t have quite the history some might have thought.
My sister pressed her lips together before letting out a breath. “We are going to take care of this baby. This baby’s going to be loved and cherished and healthy.”
“Meaning this baby’s never going to meet Dad,” I said pointedly.
“You don’t have any reason to worry about that.”
Teagan had pulled up her chestnut hair from her face, determination clear. I knew her lovely hair probably wouldn’t stay chestnut for long. My sister was constantly changing her hair color just because she could. I had a feeling at first it was because it annoyed our dad, and then because she couldn’t pick a color. I wasn’t even sure what her natural color was anymore, and I was fine with that. I loved the ever-changing Teagan.
It was such a dichotomy, considering everything else in her life had to be structured, while I was the one who went with the flow. I was the one who had traveled with Mal more often than not. I wrote songs for a living, able to work wherever I needed to as long as I had my notebook and pen. If I could have a guitar or piano? Even better, but I could make do with the notes in my head.
I was the so-called free spirit, and yet in that moment I needed a plan.
Only I did not have one.
“We won’t let him ruin this,” Teagan reassured me.
I nodded. “Thank you for traveling with me. I realize that you didn’t want to come all the way down to Texas.”
“No, it really wasn’t first on my list of desires, but we have a plan.”
I raised my brows. “You have a plan? Because there’s no we about this. I sort of just got in the car and decided I was going to see Gabriel in person. Because he deserved to know.”
Teagan narrowed her gaze. “We can decide later if he deserved to know anything.”
“Teagan. He lost Mal too.”
Teagan’s eyes went stony and I wish I hadn’t said our brother’s name. None of my family members were taking Mal’s death healthily. If anything, I was the steady one here, and it was only because I had my future slammed right into my face.
I didn’t have time to grieve and to wallow when I had to take care of this baby girl.
“We have a plan for the baby. A birth plan, and I’ve already made sure that we have the easiest routes to the hospital just in case you go in labor while we’re here.”
I let out a breath, knowing that I hadn’t been thinking clearly when we’d made the drive to the Wilders. “I love you so much for everything you’ve done. I promise I’m putting this baby first by being here. I needed to see Gabriel. I realize that I’m in a baby fog and I’m making irrational decisions, but I needed to see him.”
My sister’s face softened. “I know that you did. I just kind of wish you would have figured this out a couple of months ago, rather than when you’re so close to term.”
That made us both let out a nervous laugh. “And we will make it back, my doctor will help me deliver this baby, and I will raise this baby in love and light and a slight panic.”
“I like that you’re adding the panic, because we’re both in the middle of that,” Teagan said with a shake of her head.
“I realize that this is not the most opportune moment of this pregnancy, but I couldn’t do this without him knowing.” I began to pace, rubbing the small of my back. “I thought I could . I thought I could wallow in my own anger that he wasn’t contacting me and pretend that he wasn’t part of this. That this was all me . But I can’t. I wouldn’t be able to walk away without trying if he was some stranger, and I sure as hell can’t do that to Gabriel.”
“You would have been in your right to do that,” a deep voice said from the doorway, and I whirled, nearly falling before I caught myself. I hadn’t realized that Teagan had left the screen door open, but there he was.
Gabriel.
“Hey Teagan,” the rock god said as he lifted his chin at my sister. He looked better than he had before, and way better than he had the first time I had seen him. He’d pulled his hair back from his face with a slight ponytail and it made his cheekbones pop out even more. He had on dark jeans and a black shirt that stretched across his chest. Somehow, the man had gotten even more muscular since the accident, and I wasn’t quite sure how that was possible. Gabriel had always been more built than any of the other band members. But now it looked as if he had been pumping iron or doing some form of outdoor activity in order to gain all that muscle.
And I really needed to stop ogling the man.
“Gabriel. You’re here.” Apparently stating the obvious was the only thing I could do these days.
“Can I come in?” he asked as he slid his hands into his pockets.
Teagan looked at me, and I realized that it was my turn to answer. So I swallowed hard and nodded. “Yes. Come on in. We need to talk anyway.”
“Gabriel,” Teagan’s voice sounded icy as ever, but then she did the one thing I knew she probably would, despite her anger and bluster. She opened her arms to bring Gabriel into a hug. He looked surprised as hell, and frankly, he shouldn’t have been. Because Gabriel had always been one of us. He was Mal’s best friend, and even though we were all hurting, and even though we were all angry, we all needed to stick together. Something we hadn’t been doing at all.
He finally hugged her back, before each took a step away from each other.
“I realize that I should have said something to you at the funeral. But I wasn’t in my right mind,” Teagan said after a moment. And then she looked between us and gave me a tight nod. “I’ll leave you two to talk. I’m going to go make more plans just in case she decides to give birth here instead of back home.”
Gabriel’s eyes widened, his face paling.
I glared at my sister. “Stop scaring him.”
“You should scare him. You are how close to your due date? A lot of things are about to change.” And with that she left the cabin, and Gabriel and I stood in the small living room, the awkwardness settling in.
“Are you really going to have the baby here?” he asked, his gaze on my stomach.
Feeling self-conscious, I ran my hands over my belly and shook my head. “My goal is to be back up in Austin and be with the obstetrician I’ve been working with. But Teagan apparently has a plan in case I decide to stay here.”
“Oh.” He ran his hands over his beard before growling just a tad.
I had always liked that growl. And it annoyed me that I was even thinking that in this moment.
“I have no idea what I’m supposed to say.”
“Same. That’s why I’m standing here awkward when I probably should be sitting down with my feet up.”
That seemed to have pushed him into action, because suddenly his hands were on my shoulders and I was being set down on the couch, with my feet on the ottoman.
“Do you need more water?”
I pointed to my emotional support water bottle. “I’m good.”
“Do you need something to eat? Pickles?”
Despite myself, I burst out laughing. “Pickles aren’t my craving.”
“What are your cravings? What else did I miss?”
And there it was. The not-so-quiet reason things were so awkward.
He had missed everything up until now, but yet again, I had been in such a tremendous amount of grief, it felt as if I had missed living through it as well.
And that was a problem.
“Honestly, I’ve been craving popcorn. Which isn’t great for me because my stomach has never done well with popcorn.”
“I remember,” he said, his lips quirking into a smile. “But you always ate my popcorn at the movies.”
“Because popcorn’s amazing. And I’ve wanted every flavor out there. Except for the fact that I haven’t been able to have every flavor out there recently. I’ve been trying things with salt that make me feel like it’s popcorn, but then salt’s not really great because you retain it.”
His lips quirked into a smile, and I had no idea what the man was thinking. “Can I get you something that’s like popcorn?”
“I’m really okay.”
Gabriel took a seat on the coffee table in front of me, our knees brushing. He stared at me so intently I felt as if I were being studied. Perhaps that was the case, though.
“Is there something on my face?” I asked, trying to break the tension.
“I miss Mal every single day,” he said after a moment.
I swallowed hard, not knowing where this would go.
“I miss him every single day,” he repeated, “and all I can do is think about the fact that the last things that we said to each other were in anger.”
My stomach clenched, even as the baby kicked. I reached out and gripped his hand, surprising the both of us. “The last time that I saw my brother, I was yelling, too. And you guys were fighting, and I was so angry that he would get into our business.”
“Well, I broke the code.”
“Fuck the code.”
His eyes widened for a moment before his shoulders fell. “I’m never going to be able to apologize. To make it right. And that’s why I didn’t answer the phone. That’s why I buried myself. That’s why part of me wants to do it again. To hide from the world. But you didn’t. You didn’t have a choice.” He looked pointedly at my stomach.
I swallowed hard. “You’re right. I don’t get to hide from it because this baby needs me.”
“Exactly. You’ve always been so much stronger than us. You never fell into what we did as the band. You were always better.”
“Don’t idolize me or put me on a pedestal. I was with you guys. I partied. And then I would go to my little house in Austin and write music until I couldn’t think anymore, and then go back out on tour with whoever needed me. I liked my job. I liked my life. And it’s completely different now. It would have been completely different even if I didn’t get pregnant. Because Mal’s not here and neither one of us can say we’re sorry. But I don’t want to be sorry.” Gabriel’s eyes widened. “If I’m sorry, then this baby is what I’m sorry about. And I cannot start this new life like that. I grew up in a family where we were told we were all mistakes. Constantly. I’m not going to have this baby live that too.”
“Well shit,” Gabriel said after a moment.
I raised a brow. “That’s all you have to say?” I asked, and I hadn’t realized that I was crying until he reached forward to wipe my tears.
“No, I just keep thinking that you’re so much better at this than me.”
“I’ve had more time to go through each one of my spirals.”
“How are you so calm?” he asked.
“I’m not. I’m screaming inside. Sometimes I feel like I’m a little hamster on that wheel, but the wheel’s going too fast and I keep knocking into the sides.”
His lips twitched. “I hate the fact that I can imagine that.”
“I know, right?” I smiled along with him.
“What else have I missed?”
“The list is far too long.” He flinched, and I cursed. “I mean far too long to sit here and talk about it right now.”
“Will you tell me? Because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“I’m going to be a mom, Gabriel. And you need to figure out if you’re going to be a dad.” His eyes widened. “I’m not saying that you have to be. But you’re Mal’s best friend. And you’re my friend.” I swallowed hard. “So you need to figure out what you want. And I’m giving you that option because the baby deserves it. We don’t. I should have tried harder, and you should have tried in the first place. So we don’t deserve those chances. But this baby does.”
“I’m not going to abandon you.” The conviction in his tone stopped me in my tracks.
“What?” I asked, surprised at the tension holding me in its grasp at those words.
“I won’t abandon you. I’m going to be this baby’s father. Whatever you need me to do. If that’s showing up on weekends, if that’s staying every single day and rocking that baby to sleep, if that’s paying for things and then staying out of your life because you can’t stand to look at me, we’ll figure it out. But I’m here. Whatever you need me to do, I’m here. Because I have fucked up so much. I fucked up with Mal.” He paused. “He was on that bus because I fucked up.”
“He wasn’t,” I said quickly, my eyes filling with tears. “He was going to get on that bus no matter what.”
“He might have stayed. Because he remembered that you were there. If he hadn’t fought with us, he might have stayed.”
I froze, my heart feeling as if it had frozen in my chest. I had never thought about that. The fact that Mal might have stayed on the bus if we hadn’t fought. If Gabriel and I hadn’t slept together. He might have realized that he’d invited me on the tour and should probably hang out with me. Mal did that all the time. Blew off plans with others to spend time with his family. He might have done that.
A sharp sound escaped from my mouth, and I realized that sharp cry was nearly a wail.
Gabriel cursed under his breath and cupped my cheeks. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. My fault.”
I let out a shaky breath. “There were two of us in that bed. And there were two of us on that bus. And we can’t change it. So don’t blame yourself. Because if you blame yourself, then you have to blame me, and I need to be strong for this baby. Okay? Can you just stop blaming yourself?”
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“At least you’re honest.”
He reached out and continued to wipe my tears as I let my thoughts wander, trying to compose myself.
“Who else knows that I’m the father?” he asked softly.
“Nobody knows that you’re the father other than Teagan. And I suppose your family now.” I paused, letting that settle in. “My brothers, of course, know that I’m pregnant. But they don’t know it’s yours. And the band knows I’m pregnant, but not that it’s yours. All of Wilder knows.” He stiffened, and I shook my head. “They were my friends too. So they know I’m pregnant. Rocky’s been sending me all these baby blog links of things that I need to know for birth and after. It’s actually quite frightening.”
“I haven’t answered their calls either,” he said, his voice hoarse.
“I know. And you should. They’re not out on tour. They’re all in their relatives’ homes, resting. Figuring things out. But they’re waiting for you. Giving you space just like I did. But I couldn’t do it anymore, so you should talk to them.”
“And when I do, tell them the baby is mine?”
“Yes, we should. Eventually.”
Gabriel brushed my hair from my face and I tried not to lean into that touch. It wouldn’t lead to anything good. “Will you tell me everything else that I missed? Every single doctor’s appointment? I’m sure Teagan has it written down in some planner of hers,” he teased.
I smiled then, feeling like this was the Gabriel that I remembered. Even if it was just a sliver of him.
“Yes. I’ll tell you everything. And then we can call the band. Because I really hated lying to them about who the dad was. Even if it was just a lie of omission.”
He squeezed my hand so tightly it shocked me for a moment before he let go.
“Okay. Just tell me what I missed.”
And so I told the father of my baby everything that he’d missed when he had been lost in grief. And I saw the pain and sadness slice into him over and over again. Just like it did me.
And I knew this wasn’t over. And I was afraid it never would be.