Pieces of Me (The Wilder Brothers #9)

Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

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N o matter how many books I had read, how many online resources, and people I could speak to at birthing class and in my OB’s waiting room, nothing could have prepared me for the first month of motherhood.

Maisie screamed in my arms, her little face scrunched up, her eyes closed, her little mouth moving in sucking motions, though she wasn’t hungry. She fisted her little hands and screamed and screamed and nothing I was doing was helping.

I had a feeling that all of the residents of the Wilder Retreat could hear my baby’s cries.

Exhaustion weighed on me, and it didn’t matter that I had resources, people to lean on, and I hadn’t actually had to cook a meal since I had been back—I had never felt this drained in my life.

I might not be wearing a diaper anymore, but my baby was, and she was not happy about it. The rash had finally gone away, but she still cried and cried.

At one month, she was supposed to cuddle and sleep and feed and that was all that was supposed to really matter. The doctors and books said that most of what my little girl did right now was reflexes. And her brain was growing, and she was learning just by being in our arms.

And yet this crying did not feel like a reflex. It felt as if I were failing, and she was making sure I knew it was me.

Everything I was doing was not enough for my daughter.

I had no idea what I was supposed to do next, but all I wanted to do was make my baby stop crying so she would be happy.

And I had no idea how to do that.

“Okay, Maisie baby. You’ve just nursed, and you threw up, and then you nursed again, and you’ve now been changed twice, and are in new jammies because wow, I have never actually seen a blowout like that before in my life. You are all clean and spick-and-span and adorable. I just need to know what’s wrong, Baby Girl. You need to tell me. Mommy’s really worried that I’m not doing this right.”

Maisie continued to cry.

I put her on her shoulder, trying to rock her the way that had worked the night before, and was no longer doing so.

Over the past month, everything had changed so dramatically, it felt as if I were running to catch up. Maisie could raise her head ever so slightly when she was on her stomach for tummy time and turn her face to the side. And she could focus on me. Watching her focus on me was one of the most stunning moments of my life.

Of course, however, she had all eyes for her daddy.

“I don’t blame you, Kid,” I muttered as Maisie quieted for a moment.

For a moment my heart stopped, and I didn’t breathe, hoping that she would stop crying so I could put her to sleep, and maybe get a shower for myself. I still smelled like vomit, and that blowout, and I didn’t want to think about it. But it didn’t matter. As long as my baby girl was healthy, that was all that mattered.

But she wouldn’t stop crying.

I set her back down in my arms to rock her, and she reached forward to grip my hair. She had just started doing that little grasping motion. It had been when Gabriel had reached for her, his finger out. And she had gripped it with such a hard strength, that Gabriel and I had met gazes, and I had started crying.

Hormones seriously never ceased to amaze me, and I needed to stop crying in front of Gabriel Wilder. I still didn’t know why I was here. No, not holding my baby as she cried and cried. But at the Wilders’ .

I had a home in Austin, but right now, it wasn’t safe for me to be there. We’d only spent two nights at my home in Austin. Two nights in the beautiful nursery that I had set up. And then on the third night, the paparazzi had found us.

I closed my eyes, still listening to my baby girl’s cries as I thought of that night.

Somebody from the hospital had taken photos of Gabriel. He couldn’t hide that bright smile of his, even with the dark circles under his eyes.

And now the news stories weren’t about the long-lost Wilder in seclusion. No, now they had a false narrative of why he had been in hiding.

Because he was going to be a father. With his best friend’s sister’s baby.

The headlines on those so-called articles and social media accounts made my stomach roll. But they hadn’t gotten a photo of Maisie.

Gabriel’s family owned the security company that worked for the retreat and winery, as well for the three celebrities that they had in the family. Considering Gabriel’s cousins had married an Oscar-winning actress, as well as a Grammy award-winning pop star, they had countless hours of practice in keeping their team safe and making diversions.

While there were no photos of me looking like the bedraggled mess that I was, and no photos of our daughter, I couldn’t stay in my cute little bungalow with my beautiful nursery that my sister and I had spent so much time working on.

Teagan had to go back home because she couldn’t take any more time off work, but had stayed for three weeks. And my brothers had been here for as long as they could, but now the Ashfords were back north in Colorado, and I hadn’t gone with them.

I tried not to think about the fight that had occurred with that, but I hadn’t been able to go.

And it wasn’t just because of Gabriel.

It was because of the little girl in my arms. And the fact that I would find a way to get back into my home. I would find a way to make this not so insane.

I hadn’t read any of the articles and I hadn’t had time to find out any more than the initial headlines. So I had no idea what they were saying about me. What they were saying about Mal or Gabriel. Only that I was in hiding on this retreat in this little gray cabin because there was nowhere else for me to go and still feel a connection to my home.

Because Ashford Creek wasn’t home. Not anymore.

Ava and Aurora had somehow created a beautiful nursery in the spare room of this cabin. It really wasn’t a cabin and more like a house. They had brought over not only some of my things, but some of the other Wilder items.

So Maisie had a beautiful nursery in a place that wasn’t my own, but was safe.

But my baby girl still cried.

The door opened, and I whirled with my little girl in my arms as Gabriel walked in, a frown on his face.

“My girls are up late,” he said, and my heart twisted a bit at that.

Because he lost that frown that he tried to hide from me and smiled. But it didn’t reach his eyes fully. No, his eyes only brightened when he looked at Maisie.

I knew that he couldn’t do a 180 from what he had been hiding for the past eight months. He was still the man who had passed out after seeing me pregnant. Still the man that ignored phone calls for months on end. But he was also the man that was trying.

I couldn’t get a read on him. And considering I had no idea what I was feeling or thinking, I didn’t blame him for hiding. I had no idea what I was doing, or what would happen after this, but for now, I just needed Maisie to stop crying. And I had to stop thinking about the fact that he called us his girls .

I hadn’t always been good at pretending I didn’t have feelings for Gabriel Wilder, but I’d found a routine. I’d work with the band and see my brother…and see Gabriel in the process. Then we’d hang out, laugh, and I’d tell myself I didn’t want to continue to fall in love with him. We’d both move on to other people and I would try to keep the longing gazes to a minimum.

Then I’d let myself fall into his arms…and fall for him.

We were just playing family at this point, to figure out our next step because of who Gabriel was and the life he lived. Only I was too tired to think beyond that.

“Okay, I’m here. Daddy’s here.”

I wanted to resent him for that, but as soon as he lifted Maisie into his arms, the little traitor stopped crying.

He rocked her quietly, and I stood back, ignoring the way that I was afraid my breasts were going to start leaking milk soon as they always did. Because I was a disgusting mess and all I wanted to do was shower.

“How are your brothers?” I asked, trying to keep my voice somewhat calm. And yet I felt nothing like calm.

“They’re good. They had a bunch of paperwork to sign since I own part of the property. The Wilders wanted to go all in, you know?” He paused and his throat worked as he swallowed hard. “I wanted to thank you.”

He continued to rock Maisie, and the little girl didn’t even peep. I wanted to feel a lot more resentful for that, and yet I couldn’t. Not when the two of them were a sight to see. I would take a photo of this moment, but I already had enough photos of him holding our little girl while he wore tight jeans and a button-up collared shirt that was made out of cotton. He just looked like the Gabriel I knew. Holding our child.

I wasn’t quite sure when I had slipped into this timeline, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to get out of it.

“Thank me for what?” I asked, my voice soft.

“For being so nice to my parents.”

I had picked up a cloth to wipe at a stain on my shirt and frowned at him. “Why wouldn’t I be nice to your parents?” I asked.

“Because they were a lot, but they were excited to meet their granddaughter.”

They had come last week, giving us two weeks to deal with the media, security, as well as my family, and the Wilders that lived here. They had been so sweet and caring to both Maisie and me. And while I had met them a few times before this, it had been awkward nonetheless.

It wasn’t as if Gabriel and I were a couple. Nearly everybody in our life knew that this had been a one-night stand and our connection was Mal.

Only nobody talked about it. We sure as hell didn’t talk about it. And now everybody walked on eggshells, purposely not mentioning it because they had Maisie in their arms and that was all that mattered.

And for now, while the world shook and shattered around me, I was just going to focus on that.

“I love your parents. I loved them when they went on tour and your mom and I would scream in the stands along with all of your fan girls just to get a rise out of you.”

“I remember that. Wasn’t my mom the one who threw her bra?” he asked and shuddered. Maisie burbled a little, but didn’t start crying again.

The memory brought a smile to my face. “It was a sports bra that she bought at the store on our way there. Mostly just to annoy you.”

“That sounds like Mom. Mal picked it up and said he was going to keep it. And then I had to beat him up. It was a thing.”

Gabriel froze for a moment, and I realized that he had said Mal’s name again. That stone on clear water that neither one of us knew what to do with.

The baby started to suckle at Gabe, and he winced. “Okay, sorry, Little Girl. That’s your momma’s job. I’m not equipped.”

As soon as Maisie let out a cry, my breasts ached, and I went to sit down in the rocking chair that they had brought over from one of Gabe’s cousin’s houses.

It wasn’t my rocker. Not the one I had chosen. But it was so close enough to it that it brought warmth to my heart. I would make memories in my own nursery soon. As soon as the news story died down and the team finished with the extra security measures for the neighborhood—something my neighbors loved, I’m sure. For now, I’d use the rocker that had been loved by others and sat in the living room as it was too big for the nursery.

Gabriel handed Maisie over, and I unbuttoned my top, immediately letting Maisie latch on. Modesty was still all out the window at this point, and yet sometimes it felt awkward in front of Gabriel. Because it didn’t feel awkward.

Gabriel kneeled down in front of me and ran his finger along Maisie’s cheek as she drank.

The fact that it was so close to me made me swallow hard.

“Did you eat?” he asked, his voice that low rumble.

“Yes. Although I’m sure that at one point we’re going to have to cook for ourselves,” I teased.

“Are you kidding me? My cousin-in-law is a world-renowned chef. She owns two restaurants on this property alone. I’m never cooking again.”

I rolled my eyes and rocked as Maisie continued to eat. “You know I just fed her,” I said with a laugh.

“Well, it’s second breakfast.” He paused. “Or second dinner? It is getting pretty late.”

“True.”

That awkwardness settled in once again, and I didn’t know why it felt like he was a stranger. It shouldn’t. I knew Gabriel. Intimately.

And yet it felt as if I didn’t know him. I wasn’t sure this was the real Gabriel.

“So did you also talk to David?” I asked after a moment, and Gabriel froze. Just for an instant, but I saw it. That flinch.

The true Gabe.

He cleared his throat. “I did. They’ll be here in a couple of days. Lark has a studio at her place on the other side of the property. So we’re going to be working there. Just to figure some things out. And so they can kick my ass.”

“Oh. Good. Not about the ass kicking part. But they’ve been wanting to see the baby.”

“And the thousands of photos that we’ve sent probably aren’t enough.”

“It never is,” I said inelegantly.

Maisie finished feeding then, a little milk drunk, and I was grateful when Gabriel stood up to give me some space to get situated again.

I rubbed Maisie’s little back, and then she started screaming. And I wanted to tell myself it was just because we were tired, but no, it was because her daddy wasn’t near her anymore.

So Gabriel moved forward, and took the baby from me, helping her get out all her little worries and gas. As soon as he situated her afterward, she immediately fell asleep on his shoulder.

Anger coursed through me. Stupid anger that had nothing to do with Gabriel, or maybe everything to do with him. It had no place here.

Everything that I was doing didn’t feel like enough. I was covered in dry milk and vomit and God knows what else. I felt as if I had been run over by a truck, and everything still ached, and my baby loved her daddy more than me.

It was irrational, and yet it was totally true.

Gabriel gave me a weird look, and I realized that I had my hands fisted in my lap, as a tear fell down my cheek.

“I’m going to go tuck her in. Be right back.”

“Okay. She’d like that probably.” I wasn’t a fan of the bitterness in my tone.

Again, he gave me a weird look and moved toward the nursery. The baby monitor was on, so I’d heard him singing a sweet lullaby, that croon of a voice echoing through the room.

He was so damn talented. The reason why Wilder took off. Oh yes, the rest of the band was brilliant, my brother included. But Gabriel had that spark. He was the one that lit up to the point that the band was able to circle him.

And now he sang to our baby.

Gabriel came back out while I was still sitting in the rocking chair. A frown covered his face, and I stiffened. “Let’s get you in the shower.”

I raised a brow. “Oh?”

“Come on. You’re stuck with me for a little bit.”

He reached forward and grabbed my hand, and I snatched it back.

“I’m fine. It’s just been a long night.”

“And you should take a shower, Briar.”

I shook my head. “Maybe you need to take a shower.”

Okay, now who is the petulant baby that couldn’t stop crying? In answer, Gabriel rolled his eyes, and then lifted me into his arms. I let out a cry and wrapped my arms around his neck as he carried me into the bathroom.

“Gabriel Wilder put me down.”

“If I do that, I’m going to drop you. And I don’t actually want to hurt you, Briar. Although sometimes wondering what the hell is going on in that mind of yours makes me want to shake you. But I won’t do that.”

I had no idea what he was going to do next, but then he walked into the huge shower that took up most of the bathroom and set me down on my feet.

“Gabriel, what are you doing?” I asked.

In answer, he turned on the water.

I spluttered, pushing my hair from my face.

“Are you kidding me right now?”

“Not really. Come on, let’s get you all clean. I gave you tonight alone so that way you could have some time without me hovering, but clearly that was a bad idea.”

“Gabriel Wilder. You’re not my mother. You’re not my nanny. And now I’m soaking wet.”

“Well, ladies are usually soaking wet around me.”

I shoved at him. “Are you serious right now? That’s the line you’re going with?”

“I’m a rock god. That’s what I do.”

He was saying the words and yet it was still a little off. Not quite the old Gabriel. But he wasn’t going to be. I wasn’t the old Briar. He was hiding something and playing a part. Maybe that’s what he needed to do. Then again, I was doing the same.

Gabriel started tugging on my shirt, and I pulled it back down.

“Really?”

“I’ve already seen everything anyway,” he said, with a roll of his eyes, and then I was helpless to do anything but stand there as he pulled off my clothes, and I finally let the hot water slide over me.

Gabriel undid his shirt, and I raised a brow.

“Oh?”

“I’ll keep the wet jeans on. Although these are going to be a bitch to get off later.”

“We really need to work on your cussing around Maisie.”

“True. But I think I’ll wait around like three months for that.”

“If her first word is fuck, I’m going to blame you.”

I was arguing with him about curse words while I was completely naked in front of him, and I hadn’t even realized it.

I wanted to cover myself, knowing that I didn’t look like I had the first time he had seen me naked, but I was too tired to care. Instead, I just closed my eyes and let him wash my hair, trying not to think about what was going to happen next. Or what should happen next.

His hands were so careful, and yet sure in his movements.

His fingers had always been talented, and I blushed at that, because I had been thinking about his guitar skills, but yes, his fingers were talented at other things, too.

But that wasn’t this.

This was just him being kind.

And I had no idea what the hell I was doing.

He rinsed my hair, and then he used the loofah on me. I opened my eyes, and I realized that I was leaning on him as he washed me slowly. I didn’t feel beautiful. I didn’t feel anything really. Yet he continued to run the loofah over me, taking his time as both of us caught our breaths.

When he moved me fully under the stream to wash away the soap, I reached up and pushed his wet hair from his face.

“She always stops crying in your arms,” I whispered.

“Because she’s a baby and sometimes they do that. She sleeps in your arms too, Briar. It’s just a bad night.”

I shook my head, and leaned against him, skin to skin. “It doesn’t feel like that.”

He kissed the top of my head, and I let out a breath. “It’s okay Briar. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing either.”

I looked up at him then, and I didn’t know if he meant in this moment, or with Maisie, but then he leaned down, and I couldn’t think at all.

His lips brushed mine, just a simple caress, and then a deeper one, his tongue brushing along mine. I wanted to kiss him back, wanted to wrap my arms around him. I wanted to push him away.

But before I could do anything, before I could make a decision, he took a step back.

“Shit.”

“Yeah, shit.”

I ran my hands over my face, and then realized the water was still on.

And I was completely naked in front of him.

I turned off the water and reached for a towel.

Gabriel sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

“I was kissing you back,” I said, holding the towel to myself.

“This would be a mistake. For Maisie.”

Just like before had been a mistake for Mal. Only I didn’t say that.

“I know. We’re just tired.”

But I was still standing in front of him. Both of us still looking at one another, and I swallowed hard again. And then Gabriel moved forward and brushed his lips once more against mine. And I once more kissed him back.

“A total mistake,” he whispered.

“You’re right. It would be.” But I still leaned against him, this time in my towel, and him in his wet jeans, and I just let myself breathe for the first time in far too long.

Because what scared me wasn’t merely the kiss; it wasn’t everything churning inside that made no sense. What scared me was that other than the times he looked at Maisie, the look he had given me before he kissed me was the first time I had seen true emotion in his eyes in far too long.

And I had no idea what to do with that.