Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
GAbrIEL
I hadn’t realized how quickly babies grew.
Two months old and Maisie stared up at me with wide eyes.
“I’m headed back out to practice. This one is in front of other people. I’m sorry that you can’t come and see me play. But one day. Your mom and I got you little headphones. But I feel like they’re too big for your little ears.”
Maisie, of course, didn’t say anything, just continued to stare at me with those beautiful eyes that were starting to lose their baby blue and brighten into the Wilder blue.
I stood in Briar’s kitchen, rocking Maisie back and forth. Briar was in her office, guitar in hand, trying to get work done before her next deadline. We had come back to her home in Austin once my brother had put in decent security. She was in a gated community, but everybody who ran services, deliveries, or friends had been able to get their own code to get in.
Somehow Ridge and Trace had worked with the HOA to get tighter security, and the neighborhood felt a little safer. In fact, the neighbors were grateful because now they didn’t get a single solicitor at their house. It also meant there weren’t any photographers sneaking around the area.
It had helped that we had spent most of our time on the Wilder property, hiding from the masses. However, the news had broken that we had officially added Kiera to the band on a temporary basis for at least this first album. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, if we were really going to meld, but in the past month, we had done our best.
It felt as if I were walking through quicksand, or perhaps even watching my life happen as an observer, rather than living it. Sometimes it didn’t even feel like I was here, holding my daughter, a daughter I had never expected.
“I’m never going to let them hurt you,” I whispered, rocking her to sleep.
I had the exhaust vent over the stove going because Maisie liked that sound for some reason, but as soon as I turned it off when she fell asleep, I could finally hear the strum of a guitar and Briar’s soft voice.
I froze, realizing how much I had missed that.
When Mal and I had been on tour the first time, our band playing in ridiculously small venues, and David shooting up in the bathrooms, Briar had shown up as well. She had been there to make sure that Mal wasn’t getting in any scrapes, but of course we all were.
And she had partied with us and played her own music. And I’d done my best to ignore my dick every time she was around.
She never wanted the spotlight. No, she wanted to write the songs from her heart. As well as songs from other artists’ hearts, as sometimes those artists couldn’t get it out in the way that they wanted, and so Briar would come around and help.
Right now she was writing a song for a popular male artist that had just finished a two-year-long tour around the world. The guy wrote some of his own music, but really liked working with a variety of different songwriters.
He had won two Grammys using Briar’s songs, so I knew that they had a good working relationship.
My stomach churned at that, remembering the rumors that the two had dated. I wasn’t sure if that had been true, considering there were hundreds of rumors about people I had dated in the past. But with the easy camaraderie that they had, even through video chats recently, I had a feeling that maybe that rumor was true.
But I had no right to be jealous.
Except that I was.
“Back off, Gabriel. She’s not yours.”
I ignored the feeling that Mal was watching me once again. I knew he wasn’t in the room. I knew that his ghost wasn’t haunting me. Those didn’t exist.
And yet, I could still feel him. Judging.
My best friend was dead, and I was the one here. I had touched Mal’s sister, and now our lives were forever entwined because of the precious soul in my arms. Mal had never been able to be an uncle to this baby girl because I had ruined everything. And no matter how much time passed, no matter how hard I tried to pretend, I wasn’t okay.
Maisie shifted in my arms, and I moved to the office door, continuing to listen to Briar sing.
She had such a good voice, an alto that had a vibrato that just stuck with you. She could belt if she wanted to, but she was better in the lower register. If she had wanted to be a full-time singer with a career that lasted ages, I figured she could do it. But she liked what she did, and I wasn’t going to push her.
The fact that I was still staying at her house while neither one of us spoke about the consequences or logistics of it, meant that we weren’t good at talking about anything.
We were just living day by day, taking turns at her house and then my little cabin. I didn’t have a house near here, and Maisie didn’t have a nursery at the cabin. She would, though. A home of her own, once I figured out what I wanted. The problem was that I had no idea what I wanted.
However, that wasn’t only just about Maisie.
When Briar stopped singing, I knocked gently on the door, hoping it didn’t wake up Maisie.
“Come in,” Briar said softly, and I twisted the doorknob, making my way inside. She sat on the ground with her legs crossed and her guitar on her lap. She had three notebooks spread around her and various colored pens. Her hair flowed down her back and her eyes were bright with the creativity that pounded through her veins like it did mine.
“Hey. I need to head out. But Maisie’s down for the count.”
“Did the exhaust fan work?” Briar asked as she put her guitar away and came forward, arms outstretched.
She was so damn gorgeous. It was hard for me to think sometimes. Hence why we had been together that one night anyway. It had nothing to do with the drinks. I had lied to myself far too many times, and I needed to stop doing that. But no good could come from me giving in to temptation. It would just hurt Mal once again, and Maisie needed to stay safe and not stuck in the middle of whatever the hell was going on between us.
“You know it,” I said as I gently placed Maisie in Briar’s arms.
“You guys have that major practice today, right?”
I nodded, pulling my gaze from hers to look down at Maisie in her arms. “Yes. It’s probably going to go to like shit because we’re not ready, but the execs want to see us try. They’re not happy with Kiera.”
“Because she’s a woman?” Briar asked, a brow raised.
I winced. “Yeah. Apparently, it was okay if we had one woman in the band because we could be a little quirky. But two? Way too much of an estrogen fest.”
“So you’re going to kick their asses, aren’t you?” Briar asked, a smile playing on her face.
“I’d like to think we would. But we’re not ready.” I frowned, annoyed that we weren’t the best. We’d never be what we once were, but each of us was off. Kiera couldn’t blend with us if we weren’t sure who we were in the first place.
“You’re trying. That’s something.” She bit her lip, worry in her gaze.
I nodded, my throat going tight. “Yeah. Guitar in hand and everything. I’m a little rusty, though.”
“It’s always been a part of you, Gabriel. You can do this.”
“Not today we can’t.” I cleared my throat. “Anyway. I know you wanted to interview a few nannies tomorrow, but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it. It depends on how today goes. The ad execs want more meetings that I wasn’t prepared for.” I should have planned for that, since they tended to try to take over any schedule we made.
Briar recoiled. “Okay. But I won’t make any decisions without you.” She let out a breath. “I just hate the fact that we have to hire a nanny.”
It wasn’t my favorite thing, but it wasn’t out of the norm for what we did for a living. “It’s not like the two of us work in a place that has a daycare center. Or even the idea of us dropping off Maisie at a place? No, I can’t do that.”
“I know. And I realize that we are both very privileged in the fact that we can afford it. But you’re going to go out on tour someday soon. And I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t have Maisie strapped to me twenty-four hours a day when I’m trying to work as well.”
I leaned forward and ran my finger over Maisie’s cheek, and then did the same to Briar without thinking.
She stiffened but didn’t pull away.
I needed to stop touching her. “You’re allowed to have a life, you know. While part of me wants to just lock Maisie up on the Wilder compound and keep her safe from the world, I also want to make sure that someone’s always with her when we’re out of the house, you know?”
“Exactly. But I’m going to have mom guilt.”
“My mom says that mom guilt never goes away, but you learn to live with it. I already have dad guilt though.”
“Your mom has been so great.”
“She’s the best.” The two of them had really gotten to know each other over the past month. Though she didn’t live here, she video chatted often, and always had answers for all of Briar’s questions. Hell, she had answers for me as well. The Wilder women had helped tremendously, and while Briar and I were exhausted and still finding our footing, we were never alone. I still felt lost, not having any time to prepare for this, but then again, Briar said she felt lost as well.
We hadn’t asked for this. Hadn’t known what we were doing, but we were doing it. And I was doing my damn best not to ruin it by putting my hands on Briar once again.
“I’ll check on you soon. I don’t know how long we’ll be.”
“Go kick ass. You’re good at this. You’ve always been good at this. Don’t forget that.”
I leaned forward and brushed my lips against hers. I couldn’t help it. I just needed to at that moment. “For luck,” I whispered, and she studied my face, and I had a feeling she knew that was a lie.
“For luck. But you’re the Gabriel Wilder. And you can show the world whenever you’re ready.”
“You have way too much faith.”
“I think Maisie’s the only reason that I can pretend to do so.”
And with that, I ran my hand over Maisie’s head, and then through Briar’s hair, before heading out to the studio.
We weren’t using Lark’s for this major practice session, as it felt weird to have all of those people on the Wilder land. I didn’t mind the label. They had been good to us in the past. But I knew that they were straining at the wait.
They wanted us back on tour, and they wanted to use the tragedy to push our next album. In a publicity sense, I guess it made sense. But all I wanted to do was shove it down and never think about it again. So now I stood in a studio that was not my own, with people that I had abandoned, wondering what the hell I was doing.
“You ready for this?” Joshua asked as he tapped his fingers on his thigh. He looked just as nervous as I did.
“You’ve at least been playing in the past few months.”
“Yeah, but not for anyone else. You know me, I put my life through music.”
I sighed, looking down at my hands. “I used to. It’s weird that the guitar in my hand doesn’t feel like mine anymore.”
I hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but Joshua gave me a knowing look.
“I know how you feel. But we’ll figure it out. I mean, I don’t know what else we’re going to do.”
I heard the desperation in that, and I understood it. Because what would we do if this was the end?
We got into position as Kiera took her seat behind her kit. She wasn’t wearing a sundress this time, but instead jeans and a tank top. She had pulled her hair into a ponytail and had a look of grim determination on her face. She was damned good at what she did, and while she was friends with Rocky, she had finally started to get to know the others in the band.
I had been avoiding her.
I knew I was being an asshole, but deep down in my gut, I knew it should be Mal sitting behind that kit.
While I knew that it was irrational, and that I shouldn’t be a bastard to her, I didn’t want to see her there. So I didn’t turn around. Didn’t meet her gaze.
Instead, I tilted my head at David, who spoke in the mic to the crowd.
“We’re just practicing here. It is not a full show.”
“That’s fine,” Max said with a slight smile. Our agent looked just as nervous as I felt.
I hadn’t felt nerves like this since our first show. It made no fucking sense. But here I was, pretending I knew what I was doing.
Kiera started the beat, and I swallowed hard, noticing the difference.
It wasn’t Mal. It didn’t feel right. But we had been at this for a month now. It was never going to feel right. But music played in my bones. This is what I loved. And I had to remember that.
I played the first note, letting it wash over me, but as I sang, my voice a growl, I didn’t feel it.
I’d been using the past month to take care of my voice. To use the vocal techniques I’d been taught, and to not end up like an aging rockstar who couldn’t sing anymore. I didn’t want to lose my voice in the next few decades, so I had to take better care of it.
Nothing felt right.
With each passing song, I felt the tension rising. Those in the crowd were kind at first, understanding in their eyes, but the few fans that we had there, the studio members, and label execs started to lose their shine. They were nice, kind, until they weren’t.
I saw the worry there. The anger.
Jacob missed a note, and then Kiera started the wrong verse.
Rocky had tears sliding down her face, and turned away so the others couldn’t see. But that meant I was the one who had to face it.
And I continued to sing, but I didn’t hear a single ounce of emotion in it.
David kept going, but I knew it was out of desperation.
And by the end of it, there hadn’t been a single moment where we’d clicked. The vibes weren’t there and it pushed down any sense of talent we might have.
I slid my guitar off and handed it to one of the new crew members. Someone to replace one of our fallen and walked out.
“Gabriel!” David called, but I held up my hand.
“I need some air. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Damn it,” the other man growled, but then the sound of running feet came from behind, and I turned to see Rocky coming toward me.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Her face red and blotchy, she shook her head. “I don’t either. I’m just going to my car. I didn’t mean to cry.”
I cursed under my breath, and then pulled Rocky in for a hug. At that moment, I realized that I hadn’t hugged her in all this time. She stiffened for a moment, before wrapping her arms around my waist.
“This fucking sucks. That wasn’t good, Gabe.”
“No. It was worse than a garage band of dads trying to relive their youth.”
She snorted into my shoulder. “They would at least have rhythm. And wouldn’t be crying like a girl.”
“You are a girl.”
“Fuck you.”
We stood there for a moment, before I finally let her go. “I’m going to go see Maisie. She seems to be the only thing that I’m doing right right now.”
“And Briar?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Don’t go there.”
“Maybe you should. I’ve seen the way you two are with each other. You’re so careful about not talking about anything. You should probably talk about something.”
“No. If I do that, I’ll fuck it up.”
“How do you know that? You two were always flames around each other, long before the accident.”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Rocky,” I snapped.
“Fine. Don’t talk about it with me. But figure out what you want. Because one day Maisie’s going to grow older and wonder why her parents are hanging out all the time, but don’t know what they are to each other.”
“I don’t want to hear it. We just played for shit out there. They’re going to drop us from the label, and I don’t even know if I care. What does that make me? The asshole that’s going to ruin everything once again?”
“You weren’t the drunk driver, Gabriel.”
I paused, then held up my hand. “No. I’m done.”
Before Rocky could say anything, I ran to my car and got in. I wasn’t going to talk about it. Wasn’t going to think about it. Because if I was going to bare my soul to anyone, it wasn’t going to be her.
It was going to be the woman that I wasn’t allowed to think about.
I ignored my phone that continued to buzz in the cup holder and drove on autopilot toward Briar’s home. I got through the gate, putting in my security code that was specialized to each person and had additional security behind it. By the time I pulled into the garage, I was shaking.
I didn’t have it anymore. That urge to sing—to feel music. It just wasn’t there.
What the hell was I going to do if I wasn’t Gabriel Wilder?
I turned off the car and got out, pushing those thoughts from my mind. I couldn’t think about that. Couldn’t think about anything. Because I was still fucking wired even through that shit of a practice.
Briar was in the kitchen, humming along to music as I walked in. She looked up, confusion on her face.
“You’re here early. I was just making dinner. I figured if you got home and wanted to eat it later, you could heat it up.” She turned off her music and stared at me. “What happened?”
“We were shit.”
She wiped her hands on her kitchen towel and came forward. “I’m sorry.”
“How the hell are we going to make this work? I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“I don’t think any of us do. I wish I’d been there.”
“I’m glad you weren’t.” A stricken look covered her face, and I cursed. “So you couldn’t see my shame.”
“It couldn’t have been that bad.”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged and kept staring at her. She had piled her hair on the top of her head and wore an apron that covered her jeans and a T-shirt. Because she was so short, she constantly had to lean over her kitchen counters and ended up with stains everywhere. Hence the apron for even minimal cooking.
I didn’t know why that was so sexy.
“You can have another practice. I mean, you haven’t been back at it for that long.”
“I don’t want to talk about practice anymore,” I growled.
She studied my face. “Okay. What do you want to do? Dinner?”
“Not that either.”
And then, without thinking, I cupped her face and pressed my mouth to hers. She froze for just an instant, before she leaned into me, hands on my waist.
This was idiotic.
I should not be kissing her. I should not have my hands on her. But I’d been telling myself that for far too long. And I couldn’t help but want more.
“What are you doing?” she asked as I pulled away, both of us breathing in pants.
“I have no idea,” I whispered, finally telling the truth.
“Okay.” She studied my face and nodded tightly. I was ready for her to walk away, but instead she tugged on the belt loop of my jeans and pulled me closer.
I tugged on the string of her apron, drawing it forward. She moved away, both of us breathing heavily as I tugged the apron off completely, and then picked her up, cradling her in my arms.
“This is so stupid,” she whispered.
“I’ve been doing stupid things all day. So I don’t think that it’s anything new.”
A small smile covered her face, and her teeth bit into her lip. “That works for me.”
I carried her into the bedroom, the same bedroom that I had been carefully keeping away from. I hadn’t been sleeping next to her this whole time. I had been trying to give us space. And yet I didn’t want any space right then.
I lowered her to the floor in front of the bed and undid the clip on the top of her hair. It fell in copper waves, and I groaned. “I’ve always loved your hair.” I tugged on it slightly, and she groaned.
“I always thought you hated it. You always called me weird redheaded names.”
“It’s copper. Like a penny under the sun. Plus, it was easier to make fun of you than tell you that I wanted you.”
Her eyes widened, but realizing I had said too much, I leaned forward and took her mouth again. She pulled on my shirt, and I stepped back to let her strip it off, and she sucked in a breath.
“I always forget.”
I tilted my head, running my hand up her shirt to cup her breast. She arched into me, her nipple pebbling into my palm. “You always forget what?”
“The fact that you’re so built. It’s a little intimidating.”
“I’m in love with your curves, Briar. You have nothing to be intimidated about.”
She licked her lips and leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the ink over my chest. “You’ve seen me naked more times than I can count recently, and yet I have only seen you shirtless.”
“So let’s change that.”
I crushed my mouth to hers, our movements a little jerky, unpracticed. But then I was pulling off her shirt and undoing her bra. Her breasts were fuller than they had been before, and I cupped them gently.
“Just let me know what’s too much. I don’t want to hurt you.” I paused. “I don’t think I’ve ever slept with a nursing mother before,” I muttered.
“Don’t talk about other women when your hands are on my breasts.” She grinned up at me.
“Deal,” I said, my lips quirking into a smile.
“And I have no idea what hurts or not. So just touch me, and we’ll figure it out.”
My dick hardened impossibly more. “Sounds like a plan.”
And then my mouth was on her nipple, sucking it gently into my mouth. She stiffened, and I immediately took a step back.
“Did I hurt you?”
“No, I’m oddly sensitive there.”
I shook my head, and gently ran my knuckle over her nipples. “Well, then I should take better care of you.” I laid her down on the bed, and paid extra attention to her breasts, ensuring that I wasn’t too hard, and that they had their proper attention.
She squirmed beneath me, rocking her core against my jean-clad cock. “Gabriel,” she panted.
“I’ve got you.”
I moved back, undoing her jeans as I tugged them over her hips. She lifted her ass since her curves were so bitable that it took a little bit of effort to get her jeans off. And since I was already there, I shoved her panties off as well.
Then she was naked in front of me, and I licked my lips. “You’re like a fucking goddess.”
She slid her hand between her legs, covering herself even as she blushed all over. “Gabriel.”
“What? I’m going to fuck you soon, but let me eye-fuck you first.” She laughed then, and I tugged her hand away before kneeling between her legs.
I spread her folds before me, watching the way they glistened underneath the bedroom light.
“You’re already so wet for me,” I whispered.
“It’s always a problem when I’m with you. Always has been.”
I looked up at her then, grinning. “Really?”
“Don’t look so conceited about it. You know you’re hot.”
“Well, but now that I know that you’re always wet around me, it’s going to be hard to walk with a hard-on.”
Briar laughed then, before gasping as I pressed my mouth over her. She tasted sweet, tart, and I licked at her clit. She writhed around me, wrapping one leg around my shoulders. I pinned her down, wrapping my arm around her thigh so I could use my thumb on her clit.
She shivered in my hold as I continued to taste and touch. I explored her, spreading her with one finger, then two. She was so damn tight, and I was afraid I was going to hurt her. And I remembered that the first time we had been together, I had stretched her, and both of us had needed a moment to breathe.
I remembered every moment of that first time, even though I had lied and said I didn’t. Because that first time had been exactly what I had craved all these years. And now she would know exactly how much I wanted her.
I continued to lick at her, before curling my fingers to find that bundle of nerves deep inside her. When she came, my name on her lips, I nearly exploded in my pants. But instead I lapped up her orgasm, sucking and licking before finally pulling away.
Meeting her gaze, I licked her wetness off my fingers, and her eyes darkened. “Dear God.”
“You taste fucking good.”
She sat up then and undid my belt. I helped her, standing up so I could pull off my pants. When she raised a brow, I shrugged.
“I need to do laundry. I forgot enough underwear.”
She shook her head and gripped the base of my cock.
Groaning, I slid my hands through her hair. “Next time. Next time, I want to shove my cock down that pretty throat of yours. But if we do it now, I’m not going to be able to slide into that tight cunt of yours. And that’s going to be a crime.”
“I forgot that you talked so fucking dirty.”
“Well, you’re just going to have to remember.”
And then I kissed her again, knowing she could taste herself on my tongue. Then I pushed at her shoulders, forcing her back on the bed, and lifted one of her legs. With her ankle on my shoulder, I positioned myself at her entrance, and slid home.
We both groaned, her pussy tightening around my dick. I had to count to ten, trying not to come right then and there. And then I was moving in and out of her, one stroke, then another. She was so damn flexible that I was able to lean forward, her knee at her shoulder as I pounded into her. And then, knowing I was too close, I pulled out of her and turned her over on her stomach.
Before she could say anything, I lifted her hips and pushed into her again. She met me thrust for thrust, both of us not thinking, both of us breathing and feeling.
And when I knew I was ready to go again, I pulled out of her once more, ignoring the way that she moaned, her body quaking. Then I was over her, sliding into her once again, but this time face to face, perfectly between her legs.
I tangled my fingers with hers, kissing her softly, as I moved in and out of her, loving the way that she finally arched beneath me, clamping around my cock as she came. And I followed her, my orgasm long and hard.
Then I was kissing tears from her cheeks, both of us still entwined, my cock deep inside her, and I just held her, knowing that I had fucked up. Once again.
In this moment, with her wrapped around me, it was the first time I had felt peace in nearly a year. And finally, after we cleaned each other up, I slept. With the woman that I knew I had loved for far too long in my arms. The woman that I was never going to have.