Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
brIAR
I would have liked to say that I had slept all night in the arms of someone that I truly cared about. That I trusted. Sadly, that wasn’t the case.
We were up every half hour since Maisie didn’t sleep through the night and I’d left the makings of dinner on the counter. I’d ended up throwing some of the ingredients away and ordering in.
Gabriel had slept for a good two hours, and I was honestly surprised. I knew he didn’t sleep well most nights, even if he didn’t sleep next to me. He would toss and turn on my guest bed, and then I’d hear him quietly strumming his guitar, trying to find whatever he thought he had lost.
Sometimes he’d even let me sleep if Maisie was awake and wanted to be held but wasn’t hungry. Although that was a rarity since Baby Girl was always hungry. She was a growing girl after all.
With Gabriel still in bed, I finished nursing and held Maisie in my arms, rocking back and forth in that parental way that must be inherent.
I wore cotton shorts and a tank top that I could easily move the neck down so I could breastfeed. It wasn’t the most glamorous outfit, and I had to shower again, but it wasn’t as if I really knew what I was doing.
This was my life now. A mom.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure I had ever thought about the future like this.
Yes, I was nearly thirty, and the idea of family and being a mom was always on the periphery, but I thought I’d had time. I’d had a few boyfriends over the years, but nobody truly serious. My work consisted of a lot of traveling. Yes, I had my little bungalow and home here, the nest that I had made, but before I’d gotten pregnant, before the crash, I was out visiting other artists, creating. I wasn’t just Briar Ashford, Mal’s little sister. I wasn’t Briar Ashford, Gabriel Wilder’s secret.
Because that’s what they called me.
His secret.
Everybody wanted to know how long we had been together. If we were still together. If I knew that he was with Rocky and now Kiera.
And to be fair, he could be with anybody he wanted. It wasn’t as if we were exclusive. My heart ached, and I rocked Maisie back to sleep.
“It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Only I wasn’t talking to her. I wanted to believe that I knew what I was doing, but it truly didn’t feel that way most of the time. I set Maisie down in her crib, and then looked at the mirror above the changing table, shaking my head.
“You need to wake up.”
I looked over my shoulder, realizing that I had said that aloud. I really hoped Maisie didn’t wake up. I took my phone and walked into the kitchen. Since I had just breastfed, I was going to have my one cup of coffee for the day. I couldn’t wait to indulge in pure caffeine. Maybe injected straight into my veins.
This whole mom side of me was very out of character, and I really had no idea what I was doing. And Gabe and I were just playing house. I knew that.
And when had I started calling him Gabe?
He was always Gabriel. Of course he was always Gabriel Wilder to me as well. But the man sleeping in my bed right then, felt like Gabe. The man behind the fame and screaming adoring fans. The man who wasn’t always being clutched at by women.
I rubbed my hand over my chest as my coffee brewed. I had no right to feel jealous.
He wasn’t mine.
I couldn’t even claim Gabe, let alone Gabriel.
My phone buzzed, and I picked it up, answering the video call. “Hey there,” I whispered.
Teagan raised a brow at me and shook her head.
“I love you sister mine. But when did you shower last?”
I thought of the shower after we had had sex, both of us cleaning each other up, and blushed. “Last night. But I went to sleep with my hair wet, and I just finished feeding Maisie. I’ll shower soon. Probably once Gabe gets up.”
“Gabe is he?”
Of course my sister would catch that.
“I think I’m too tired to even finish saying his full name,” I lied. I set my phone down on the counter and propped it up, while I doctored up my coffee.
“So what’s the flavor today?” Teagan asked.
I loved our morning coffee chats. Part of me wished I still lived in Ashford Creek, but the rest of me knew I never wanted to go back. I was long past the girl I had been when I had lived there. The screaming and the shouting. The fact that Callum had always tried to protect me. Teagan had done the same, but my father had bowled right through her as well.
Mal had been the one that took the most beatings for me. At least, that’s what I remembered. Maybe all of my brothers had tried to do the same. Even their friends had tried. Because my father had never hidden who he was.
I shuddered before finally answering my sister. “We’re going with sugar-free hazelnut. I have an oat milk creamer next.”
“Oh, which brand?”
“I actually made this one,” I teased.
Teagan let out a long sigh. “You really do scare me. I don’t know when you became such a homemaker.”
“You say that as if it’s a bad thing?”
“I say that as someone who doesn’t know how to do that. Considering you and I have no experience.”
“It’s funny that you mention that. I was just thinking about our childhood.”
“I haven’t eaten yet, so my stomach kind of hurts. Let’s not talk about that at all.” Once again, I heard the teasing tone.
There was something going on with my sister. I knew there was, but she wasn’t ready to talk about it. When she was, I would be there.
After all, she had been with me throughout this entire pregnancy.
And I really wish she was here.
“You look different,” Teagan said after a moment.
I frowned and brought my phone to the small kitchen table.
“I don’t know what you mean.” I sipped my coffee, and Teagan studied my face.
“You didn’t.”
I blinked. “What? I didn’t what?”
“Are you sure that’s wise?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I did, but she had to be the one to say it. Because if this was just her fishing, she was doing a really good job with it.
“Did you sleep with Gabriel?” she asked, her voice a harsh whisper.
I looked over my phone and all around the kitchen to make sure nobody was around. Although it was just the three of us in the house, Gabriel walked far too quietly.
“No,” I lied.
“You did. And that’s why you have sex hair.”
“I washed my sex hair, thank you very much,” I snapped in a decent whisper.
“Okay. Okay.” She blinked at me and my stomach clenched once again.
“What is going on in that head of yours?”
“I could ask you the same thing. I don’t know how I feel about this. And it’s not like I really get a say. We joke, but I don’t get an opinion.”
“Maybe you should give one because I don’t know what I’m doing, Teagan.”
My sister let out a long sigh. “I’ve always noticed the way you two were around each other. Even though Mal did his best not to.”
I swallowed hard. “What? It wasn’t like that before.”
“Because both of you were very good about not showing it. Only every time that Gabriel hung out with us, or we went out on tour with Mal, you two orbited around each other. You couldn’t help it. And while I had hoped it would always just stay friendship because you know how Mal always was with us, part of me hoped maybe it would be more.”
I let my coffee grow cold as I stared at her, honestly confused. “It wasn’t like that. I mean, we wouldn’t have let it.”
“Have you two actually talked about what you want?”
“That would require me knowing what I wanted,” I answered honestly.
“Touché. Okay. Maybe you should have a conversation with him.”
“And say what? It was a mistake?” Why did that make everything hurt inside?
“Do you feel it was a mistake?”
I scowled. “Why are you answering all of my questions with a question?”
“Because I don’t have any answers. I like Gabriel. Even though I really wanted to hurt him for leaving you in that position.”
“He didn’t leave me in that position. I didn’t tell him.” When had I started defending him over what had made me so angry before?
“Because he wouldn’t let you.”
“I could have shown up at his house sooner.”
“Maybe. But could you have really? Do you remember how we were right after the funeral?”
I wiped away another tear and nodded. “We were a mess.”
“We all are. And the two of us coming back to your house in Austin was really what saved me. And how selfish is that?”
“It’s not selfish. I don’t know how you can stay in Ashford Creek.”
Teagan gave me a small smile that didn’t quite meet her eyes. “Because it’s home. Even though I hate parts of it, it’s home. But you’re right, every time I go around a corner, I see Mal. And I miss him so much.”
“I hate that he’s gone. I hate the fact that the last time I spoke to him we were fighting. And he didn’t even blame me. He only blamed Gabriel.”
“Have you two talked about it?”
“Not enough. And I hate it. Because I want to know what he’s thinking about. I want him to know it wasn’t his fault. But that’s what he feels. So what am I supposed to do? Needle him until he finally breaks down?”
“You do need to talk to him. For his sake. And yours. Because you can’t move on or move to whatever step you need to for Maisie, and you, without it. There was a reason he blocked himself off. And maybe he’s not doing it physically anymore, but he’s still doing it.”
“I should be worried that you can put my thoughts into words so well.”
Teagan ran her hand through her hair, the new pink streaks subtle. “Because I’m on the outside looking in. I miss Mal with every breath. But I wasn’t there. And I’m not sitting next to Gabriel every day. Living in a house with him. Raising a child together. So figure out what you want, Baby Sister. And I’m always here for you. I promise.”
“I’m always here for you, too. I love you. And I don’t have any answers.”
“And that’s okay for now. But you deserve them.”
We said a few other things, before she finally hung up, and I heated up my coffee, hating that I’d let it go cold. With Maisie still asleep, and Gabriel seemingly the same, I walked into my small office and pulled out my guitar. I was working on a song that sounded decent. But I couldn’t figure out who it was for.
“You said you’d never leave. You promised you’d stay.” I strummed the guitar again, frowning. “But now I’m standing here all alone in the pouring rain.”
“I haven’t heard that one.”
I turned to see Gabriel standing there in gray sweatpants, leaning on the doorjamb.
He had his arms folded over his chest, so my gaze couldn’t help but drop to stare at his forearms and I had to swallow hard. And his sweatpants did not hide much, and everything about him was a little too much.
Pulling my attention back to him and not his gray sweatpants that left little to the imagination, I cleared my throat. “I’m just starting it. I don’t know who it’s for.”
“I didn’t mean to interrupt you. But your door was open.”
I flushed. “There are a few times I forget that I’m not alone in the house. Which is weird because it’s not like this is new.”
“Sometimes everything feels new.”
There was a cry from the nursery, and Gabriel cleared his throat. “I’ll go get her.”
“Thank you.”
I put my guitar away, knowing that I couldn’t write that particular song with him around. Because that would mean he would see far too much. I had just stood up when Gabriel walked in, Maisie in his arms.
My ovaries practically exploded at the sight.
And then Maisie decided to throw up on his naked chest, and as he winced, pulling her back, her diaper exploded in his hands. Both of us looked at the mess covering him and the floor, before we burst out laughing.
“If only the masses could see me now.” He shook his head, humor still in his eyes, and I reached for her.
“Oh my God, let me get her.”
“No, no. I’ll start with the bath. If she were a little older, I’d say we’d get in the shower so we could hose off, but I don’t want to drown her.”
“Okay, you just go stand on some tile or something.” The original rug from the nursery, sadly, had been a lost cause.
“I’m glad that you don’t have carpet in this house,” he said with a shudder, and we laughed as he worked to clean up Maisie and stripped off his gray sweatpants in the process.
It took every morsel of strength within me not to look down and stare at him. There was a naked, tattooed, and pierced Gabriel Wilder in my bathroom.
And I’d licked nearly every inch of him.
My face ablaze, I had handed over a wet towel, as Maisie lay on her back, looking happy and far too proud of herself.
“Go wash and cover yourself, Mister.”
He looked down at his new hard-on. “Sorry. I would say it’s morning wood, but you’re here.”
“Gabriel,” I warned.
He waved me off, and then went to shower. Thank God.
I looked down at Maisie and clucked my tongue. “You are a mess, you know that.” She just smiled up at me, and I knew it was just gas. “Okay, let’s feed you again so you can make more of a mess.”
By the time that Gabriel came back to the nursery, he had my secondly-reheated coffee, and a mug for him.
“I am all clean. Do you want to go shower?”
“Are you calling me dirty?” I asked, wondering why I was teasing him.
“I’m not even going to go there. But I do like when you say dirty things to me.” His lips crooked into a smile, and I saw light in his eyes. Just a glimpse of it, but it was like the old Gabriel.
Not the one hiding things.
“What are we doing?” I blurted, before taking a seat in the closest chair.
He swallowed hard and set both coffees down on the side table. I rocked Maisie in my arms, hoping she wouldn’t throw up at the moment. When he kneeled down between my legs, I let out a shaky breath.
“I don’t know, Briar. I want to figure it out. We have four weeks until our real show. And I need to do better. I need to figure this shit out. The band’s going to come stay at the Wilders’, and we’re going to use Lark’s studio. That means I need to be there.”
My heart sank, and I nodded. “That makes sense.”
“I know you’re settled here, but I want you there too. And not just because I want to see Maisie.”
There was so much in his gaze I couldn’t read, even as my heart swelled once again. “Gabriel.”
“I know you need to work. I know we need to figure out the nanny thing, and I know that I want you.”
With that last volley, I froze, swallowing hard. “Okay. Okay.”
“This is where you say you want me too,” he whispered.
I smiled then, rocking Maisie as she nuzzled into me. “And are we going to stay in the same place so we can pretend that we know what we’re doing?”
“Like always.” He stood up then, and kissed me softly, and then a little more deeply.
“And then we’re going to keep doing that?” I asked, my voice breathy.
He rested his forehead on mine. “Am I a bad person if I say yes?”
“Then I’m just as bad as you.”
He kissed me again, and before I could do anything more, Maisie woke up crying. And so he plucked her out of my arms, and once again the baby calmed.
I wanted to hate that. Wanted to be so frustrated. And yet, my heart felt as if it were finally settling. Because Gabriel was a piece of me, just like Maisie. And that’s what worried me. As once shattered, I might not be able to put those pieces back together again.