Pieces of Us

Five Years Before

Lottie

It came to the point where I didn’t want Sara to come back from her nan’s. There – it’s the truth, I’ve said it. With Sara away, Jay and I were getting closer. He’d come to mine a lot, mainly to talk about his dad, who was recovering well after surgery. However, Jay still had worries and it wasn’t something he felt comfortable discussing in front of his mum, who was still struggling with her mental health.

‘I can’t even talk to Sara about him,’ he told me one night when he was round mine. ‘She still blames him for everything that went wrong in her family. I can’t blame her, I suppose, but I don’t want to upset her either.’

‘Let’s celebrate your promotion,’ I said, handing him a glass. ‘Try to forget about your worries for a night. Your dad is going to be fine now, you know that.’

He nodded and smiled shyly. He had such a cute smile. ‘I’m so glad you’ve been here, Lottie. It’s been so hard. I’m not even sure my parents will stay together after this. They were so fragile before. Now my dad is talking about moving to Newcastle to be nearer to his family and my mum won’t go. I feel like everything is changing…’

‘I know, I get that. It’s hard.’

I moved closer to him on the sofa. We carried on drinking, one glass after the next. Jay continued to talk a bit about his family, about his complex feelings towards his dad, how he hated the fact that his parents constantly split up and got back together again, but how he thought it might be final this time. I told Jay stuff, things I hadn’t told anyone before – about how lonely I’d been growing up, the bullying I’d experienced, how I knew, really, that my parents didn’t want me. How, even as an adult, I felt out of place.

‘Neglect happens even in affluent households,’ I said quietly. ‘People seem to think that if you have money, you are immune to it.’

Jay wrapped his arms around me. ‘I’m so sorry you went through that. You don’t deserve it.’

I don’t really know how it happened, but I guess the wine helped. I think I made the first move, kissing him gently on the lips, but he responded. My entire body softened and fizzed, I pulled him towards me, pressing myself against him, feeling his heat against mine. It was exhilarating, I was alive. His hands were suddenly on me, feeling over my top, stroking and caressing. I felt a burning need pulsing between my legs. I wanted him so badly.

He pulled away. ‘Lottie, I don’t know about this…’

‘It’s OK,’ I soothed. ‘I understand. I just want one night, that’s all. One night to forget about everything else.’

‘But Sara…’ I saw the pain flash in his eyes. ‘You know how I feel about her? This wouldn’t be right.’

‘But Sara doesn’t want to be with you, does she?’ I said the words kindly, but I knew they were slicing into him like a blade. He flinched and I touched his arm.

‘I’m not looking for anything heavy, Jay. I just want one night, that’s all. Nobody else needs to know.’

‘I don’t know…’

‘You feel lonely too, don’t you? Rejection is shit.’ I stroked him slowly, feeling the soft hairs on his skin. ‘Why do we have to be alone tonight?’

‘Lottie, I like you, I do, but not—’

I kissed him again. ‘I don’t care,’ I muttered. ‘It doesn’t matter.’ I pulled away, stared deep into his eyes. ‘Shall we go to my bedroom?’

Jay looked sleepy but content. He nodded. ‘Yeah, sure.’

I took his hand and led him with fake confidence to my room, trying to ignore the shaking in my legs and the thumping of my heart.

Later, lying in the tangled sheets, I stared up at the ceiling waiting for my breathing to calm. Jay was already curled up away from me, sleeping softly. Minutes after we finished, he’d asked if it had been OK, staring at me with worried eyes and I’d told him that yes, yes, it had. I didn’t tell him that I’d noticed that he could barely look at me the entire time we were together. That he’d barely kissed me. That this moment I had dreamt of had been cold, clinical and over in minutes.

Nor did I tell him that I’d heard him whisper Sara’s name at the point of climax.

I kept these things to myself as I stared at the dark ceiling and wished that I could be the person he was looking for.

It was becoming more and more clear that I could never be.

Jay carried on sleeping the next morning. I, on the other hand, couldn’t settle, so I got up and had a shower, then went to the kitchen and tried to clean up a bit. There was a feeling of sadness hanging in the air. I realised, as I loaded the dishwasher, that there was no love or warmth between me and Jay. I constantly felt cold and ignored, even with Jay curled up under my duvet. He’d kissed me and stroked my body, he’d fucked me in my bed and I still felt invisible. I couldn’t stop the tears as they began to flow.

When I heard the key in the front door, I froze at first; Sara wasn’t due back until the afternoon. I thought of Jay sleeping in my bedroom and my heart hammered hard inside of me.

Sara walked through the door and I felt myself crumble. It was all I could do to keep myself together.

‘Hey!’ She smiled up at me. She looked so pretty that morning. Her hair was glossy and shiny and loose on her shoulders; her face was naturally made up. She looked younger somehow, but not in a negative way – just well-rested and glowing. ‘I’m back. I was hoping we could talk?’

I clung to the counter, my insides twisting and turning. A part of me hadn’t expected Sara back from her nan’s. I thought of Jay naked in my bed and nausea rose in my throat.

‘Sara, I—’

‘Are you OK? You look like you’ve been crying? Is it your mum again?’ Sara asked, concern etched on her face. ‘I know said I might have to stay on with Nan longer, but I couldn’t take it. I was hoping to talk to you about Jay. He didn’t call me, and I wondered if he said anything to you. I wondered if—’

‘He hasn’t said anything.’ My answer was too fast. I shook my head quickly. ‘I’m sorry, Sara, I’ve not really seen him.’

‘Oh.’ Her expression fell. ‘That’s OK, I just thought, maybe… I dunno.’ She laughed awkwardly. ‘I thought maybe there was a reason he didn’t contact me.’

‘I don’t know either,’ I mumbled.

The lies were tumbling down around me. I could see the pain on Sara’s face, and it was awful. I never thought the guilt would affect me this much. I couldn’t meet her gaze, I felt like my entire body was on fire. What had I been thinking? Sara would ask Jay about the letter, and he’d tell her what it said. They would soon find out what I did, and everything would collapse around me.

I don’t know why I thought it would work.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. ‘Sara, I’m not feeling too good and I—’

‘Oh God, is that why you look so pale?’ She reached across and touched my arm. ‘You should go back to bed. I can talk about Jay later, there’s no rush.’

‘Who is it, Lottie?’

Something changed in her expression. She paled slightly, like she could smell him on me. She retracted her arm and stared at me.

‘Who is it?’ he asked again.

I heard his voice behind me, and my whole body stiffened. I stepped towards the doorway, trying to prevent Sara from seeing into my room, but her eyes had already widened. She took a step forward.

‘Is that Jay?’

‘I—’

I was going to deny it, but then what was the point? I was tired and beaten. Slowly I moved to one side, tears blinding my eyes. Jay stood behind me, dressed in just his pants and a rumpled T-shirt. His hair was a mess, and his eyes were still sleepy.

Sara looked at him, and then at me and then back at Jay again. Her eyes had been wide with pain. She demanded to know what had happened. Jay was a stammering mess, he tried to protest but I told her the truth. I wasn’t going to be anyone’s dirty secret. Then she hissed those words at me – how could I do this. How was I even a friend. My protests were weak.

“You are no friend,” she said coldly. “You are nothing,”

I watched as she fled our flat. I knew her heart was breaking, and part of mine was too. I hadn’t meant to hurt her. All I’d wanted was a bit of love – that was it. A few minutes of selfish love.

I didn’t want to lose Sara.

Jay tried to talk to Sara later that day. He rushed to Sara’s mum’s flat where she had fled, to try and explain himself. I waited at home expecting everything to be revealed. I thought they would work it all out, unravel my lies – but instead they turned on each other. The letter just caused more misunderstandings, Sara told Jay that she thought it had explained everything and Jay told her that the letter had been the reason he thought she wanted time away from him. Any hope of a reconciliation ended that day.

Jay didn’t come back to my flat, at least not at first and he wasn’t replying to my texts.

Sara called me later.

‘You’re welcome to each other,’ she said coldly. ‘I hope you’ll be very happy.’

‘It wasn’t like that, Sara.’

‘You knew how I felt about him, Lottie.’

‘I didn’t mean for it to happen,’ I lied. ‘It was a mistake. We were both lonely and upset.’

‘Spare me your pity party,’ she spat. ‘I’ve been fucked over by two people I considered friends. I’m done.’

‘What now?’ I whispered.

‘I’m taking Dec’s advice. I’m getting the hell out of here. I don’t want to spend another minute in this town. I need some space.’

‘Don’t go. Please don’t go.’

She didn’t answer. I felt myself crack open. I didn’t want this to happen. She was leaving me.

‘How long will you be gone?’ I croaked.

‘I don’t know, Lottie. Why do you care?’

Of course I cared. I was the reason that Sara was going, and I was going to miss her so much. I had pushed away one of the few decent people in my life.

‘I’m going to miss you so much,’ I whispered.

She laughed coldly. ‘Do you know what, Lottie, I actually feel sorry for you. You are so desperate for love and attention, but you have no clue how to get it. Jay will never love you; you know that right? You haven’t gained anything.’

She put down the phone.

The next day she called again. She was leaving that day. Her mood had changed a little. She was still cold towards me, but there was a hint of forgiveness there. She didn’t know I’d forged the letter. All she knew was that Jay had betrayed her, it almost didn’t matter that it was with me. Jay had hurt her the most.

Once again, I was left wondering if I really mattered to anyone. Why was I always the secondary character in other people’s lives?