Pieces of Us

Day Eleven

Sara

I wake up after a poor sleep and manage to force a quick breakfast down. Goose is begging for attention as I read through my messages (one from Jay, two from Jess and one from Tyler). The message from Jay is sweet, apologetic and saying that he is worried he moved things too quickly, he hopes I’m OK and asks if he can see me again soon. I don’t answer yet, but I plan to later.

Tyler’s message is confirming a date a little later in a park just down the road. My heart sinks a little when I reply, knowing what I’m going to say when I meet up with him; even though I know it’s the right decision, I still feel a bit sad.

Jess’s message is a little more concerning.

Hey – I probably shouldn’t do this, I didn’t want to worry you while

you’re off, but Derek has taken a turn for the worse. I thought you’d

want to know. I’ll keep you posted.

I try calling her back, but her phone is switched off, so I message telling her to update me as soon as possible. I consider ringing Sharon, but I know she won’t tell me much – although she can be tough at times, Sharon is a great believer in people using their holidays properly. She won’t want me thinking about work and worrying myself.

The thought of Derek being poorly makes my heart hurt. I struggle to focus as I get ready. I know it’s part of the job, but it doesn’t make it any easier. There is something about Derek that has got under my skin and the thought of him suffering upsets me.

And I can’t lose someone else so soon after Lottie. I just can’t.

Goose must sense my upset, because she comes over to me and I spend some time fussing over her, remembering how much Lottie loved this cat and her unusual blue eyes. It was because of Lottie that I got her in the first place; I had never particularly been a cat person.

Goose’s purrs soothe me as I stroke her, almost lulling me into a meditative state. The Jar of Joy catches my eyes but I’m reluctant to go over to it, knowing that I only have a few messages left to read – just a few tiny connections left to Lottie and then they’ll be gone, there will be nothing more she can say to me.

Goose mews softly beside me prompting me into action. Rustling inside the jar, my fingers touch the message that is sellotaped to the bottom – the last instruction. What on earth has Lottie got planned for me there? A stubborn part of me almost wants to tear it off and read it before I should, but I can feel the weight of Lottie’s demands resting heavily on me.

‘ Follow the rules, Sara ,’ I hear her whisper in my ear. ‘ It’s not that hard. It will be worth it, I promise .’

I do as I’m told and pull out another message instead. Goose clambers on to my lap, as if she’s curious to see the results too, and with her in mind I read the words out carefully. This one is the longest so far.

I got so much joy from these jars, from keeping my memories – but also by keeping a diary where I could explore my thoughts and feelings in more depth.

I want this diary to be in the safest of hands and I also want you to read it – when you feel ready to do so. My mum will know where it is, so please ask her to give it to you.

I hope she is kind to you. She is a good person really.

My happiest times were when I could share my feelings with you, Sara. I want you to know more about me.

xx

I frown. This message doesn’t sit comfortably with me for a number of reasons. One, it means I will have to face Erica again, which quite frankly is never an enticing prospect, and two, I really don’t feel comfortable reading Lottie’s diary, this is something private, something that shouldn’t be shared.

However, there might be a reason she wants me to see it. Maybe it will help in some way? And it would be another connection to her, something deeper perhaps.

‘It’s better than bloody Erica having it,’ I mutter finally. ‘I wouldn’t trust that woman with anything confidential.’

Goose mews again as if in agreement and I smile; there is something about this cat that is so wise and aware. I rub her neck, knowing how lucky I am to have her.

‘OK, I’ll collect the diary,’ I say grumpily. ‘But first I have someone else to meet up with.’ And this meeting I wasn’t looking forward to at all.

Tyler and I buy coffees from the little kiosk in the park and walk over to one of the benches facing the lake. He looks good, clearly fresh out of the shower as his hair is still a little damp, and his face has a hint of stubble that I like. His eyes are liquid warm and engaging. We sit close together, but a little awkward. Neither of us had asked for any heavy commitments, our routine was often just to meet up, sometimes get drunk and more often have lots of hot sex. It worked for so long, until suddenly it didn’t.

When we first officially got together, I’d only been back in the country a few weeks and was tanned, tired and a bit all over the place, living with Mum while I searched for a flat and a job of my own. That time had been weird. I’d heard from Mum that Lottie and Jay were still together and by then Dec had moved to America with his new job, so I wasn’t keen to go out.

It was after a row with Mum (the usual ‘what are you planning to do with your life’) when I ended up in a grotty bar in town, being chatted up by some drunk creeps from the local rugby team. Tyler saw me and rescued me – the man that used to flirt with me when I was doing some part-time waitressing work at Gino’s suddenly became my saviour. We spent the night flirting and laughing and then ended up having hot, frantic sex in his flat.

‘I’m not looking for anything heavy,’ he told me casually. ‘But if you fancy hooking up again?’

I kissed his cheek lightly. ‘Sounds perfect.’

And it was – it really was. I never had to get into anything deep with Tyler. There was no commitment, no ‘meet the family’ chats, no financial debates or stresses about the future. Everything was in the moment, which was made it fun, sexy and exciting. And in the end, unsustainable.

I look at Tyler’s pretty face now and I know I could never love a man like him. I think I always knew that. That was why he was safe to be around; there was no risk of being hurt, no fear of where things might lead.

‘Are you all right?’ he asks now.

I nod. ‘I used to come here with Lottie a lot, especially towards the end,’ I tell him finally. ‘She liked to sit by the lake, said the air made her feel better. Sometimes we’d go to the beach near her house if she was too weak to walk here, but weirdly her favourite place was here. She said it was more tranquil, less wild. I’ve always preferred the beach, but I guess we were different in so many ways.’

‘That’s the most you’ve ever said about Lottie,’ Tyler said softly.

I turn to him and see that he looks kind of sad. I know that I never talked to him about Lottie, not really. I always liked to keep that side of my life separate.

‘It had been so hard, so traumatic seeing her go through that,’ I say, stumbling over my words. ‘When I was with you, I could kind of forget – which sounds horrible when I say it out loud, but I don’t mean it like that. It was just good to think about other things that didn’t involve my break-up, or my sick friend, or sadness, or the worry of what was to come…’

‘I get that.’ He scuffs his feet on the floor. ‘I was a distraction.’

I touch his knee and stroke it gently. ‘It was a good distraction; it was what I needed.’

‘But not any more?’

My mind automatically turns to Jay, of the way I felt to be held by him last night – like all the pieces of a jumbled-up me were finally slotting back together. It wasn’t fair to stay with Tyler, no matter how much fun he was.

‘It was only ever a casual thing with us, wasn’t it? Maybe we let it go on too long…’ I pause, not sure how to continue. Tyler is looking down at the ground. This is much harder than I thought it would be. ‘Tyler, I never meant to hurt you.’

‘I know.’ His voice is quiet. ‘It’s my fault, I knew you didn’t want anything serious, and I that’s why I told you I didn’t at the beginning. I didn’t want to scare you off. I convinced myself that I was fine with it being a casual thing, but I guess I got too close to you. We should have ended this a long time ago.’

‘Yeah, I think you’re right.’

We sit in silence for a bit. Tyler sips his coffee and the gap between us seems to become ever bigger. I shuffle, feeling antsy and bad about things.

‘We had fun though, right…?’ I say finally.

A tiny smile settles on his cute face. ‘Yeah, yeah – we certainly did. I’ll miss that.’

I snake my hand over to his and slot my fingers through his. He squeezes it reassuringly. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about Lottie, I’ve never been much good at opening up about stuff. I think my whole family is the same, we just store things up until we explode. It’s not healthy.’ I shake my head slowly. ‘Honestly, Tyler, at the time you were really good for me. It was what I needed, but I’m sorry that I didn’t end up being what you were looking for.’

‘What about your ex?’ he asks casually. ‘Are you seeing him? He’s back, isn’t he?’

Heat rises to my face. Tyler’s expression is soft, and I know he has no expectations – in all the time we were together we were never exclusive – but I still don’t want to hurt him.

‘Yes,’ I reply quietly. ‘We did meet up last night, to talk and stuff and it was nice, but I really don’t know what it all means. I’ve got to start focusing on the future, and perhaps that means being single for a bit. I’m not sure what I want at the moment.’

Tyler squeezes my hand. ‘I get that. I just want you to be happy, Sara. All the time I’ve known you, it feels like you’ve never quite been satisfied, it’s almost as if something is missing.’

I stiffen, not quite sure how to take that. ‘I’m happy, Tyler. I’m making the best of things.’

‘I know you are, but I still get this feeling you’re wanting more.’ He releases my hand and turns fully to face me. ‘I don’t like to see you holding yourself back, I want to see you do whatever it takes to make you feel good . Whether that’s your art, or travelling again, or just spending time finding out who you really are. I think you’ve spent so long protecting yourself from others, you’ve forgotten the joy of letting stuff in.’

‘You’re a nice guy, Tyler,’ I whisper. I almost wonder why I’m breaking up with him.

‘I’m not so bad.’ He smiles. ‘But you’re even better. You need to start believing though.’

A short while later, Tyler and I hug goodbye – his embrace is warm and secure, and I realise I don’t want to lose him totally.

‘Can we stay in touch?’ I ask awkwardly. ‘Maybe just as friends?’

‘Sure, I’d like that.’

Watching him walk away, I can’t help wondering if I’ve made a huge mistake. But it wasn’t right with him. He wasn’t Jay.

The morning is already shaping up to be a sticky, humid one so I walk at a slow pace to Erica’s, allowing my mind and thoughts to settle. It’s already pretty busy out, with crowds bustling outside the shops and moving fast down the street. I can smell candyfloss and fried onions in the air and somewhere, a few streets away, a shop is playing loud reggae music which seems to intensify the feeling of summer.

Really, I should make my way to the beach, spread out a towel on the hard pebbles, lay back and allow myself to drift away while the sun heats up my skin. It’s the perfect day to do it. Instead, I’m getting hot and sweaty as I weave out of the main town and head up towards the residential roads of Hove. In my pocket is Lottie’s message, almost glowing red with urgency. I have no idea why she wants me to have her diary. I didn’t even know she had one.

I had one for a short time when I was fifteen: bright bubblegum pink and covered in stickers. That was the age when things had started to change between me and Jay; we had moved away from being innocent friends at school who weren’t allowed to play together, to something more awkward and difficult to understand. I remember how confused I felt if Jay spoke to another girl, or how I started to notice the flutters in my stomach every time he was close to me.

Mum found that diary. Horror had curdled inside me when I came home and saw it out on the living room table. Mum made out that she only read it because she had my best interests at heart, but that didn’t wash with me. Those were my private thoughts she had invaded. Mum shouted at me, told me again that I needed to stay away from Jay and that if I had anything to do with ‘that family’ she would never forgive me. The diary was discarded in the bin, along with all of my hopes and desires.

Now, I pretty much hate diaries, they’re too damaging in the wrong hands. They cause too much pain.

‘Hello again…’ Erica eyes me up and down with a hint of suspicion. ‘I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon.’

She ushers me in and I follow her into the large house that I’d always been so jealous of when we were teenagers. Now, I look around the place with tired eyes and can finally see what Lottie did – the cold floors, the blank walls, the expensive but stiff-looking furniture. Everything is so functional and formal; I can’t feel any love or warmth at all, despite the heat of the day.

Erica guides me into the kitchen and offers me an assortment of coffees and fruit teas. I settle for a cold water. I’m too hot and flustered to drink anything else. I sit myself awkwardly on one of the high kitchen stools, while Erica leans up against the units. She’s dressed casually in loose-fitting white linen trousers and a white shirt, and she looks a little better than the last time I saw her. Her hair is neatly brushed away from her face, and unlike last time, I can tell she has applied some make-up; her skin has some colour to it and her eyes are dark. However, I can still see smudges of grey shadow beneath her eyes and her cheeks look drawn in, like she has lost a lot of weight.

‘How are you?’ I ask carefully.

‘I’ve been better,’ she says stiffly. ‘It’s not easy, sorting everything you know? We knew this day was coming and Charlotte had prepared well for it, but even so, there is still so much to do.’ Her shoulders slump a little. ‘It’s not anything any mother expects to do, is it? Bury her own child.’

Erica had always struck me as a stuck-up, offhand woman who had no time for her own daughter – and yet, I could see the pain clearly etched on her face. What must it be like to lose your only child? I suspect that Erica has many regrets, how could she not?

‘I’m sorry,’ I say finally, sipping my water. ‘I can’t even begin to imagine.’

‘It must be hard for you, too. You and Charlotte were so close, especially at the end.’ Erica pauses, a tiny frown visible on her face. ‘It was a shame you had that fall out. I know she missed you when you went abroad. Charlotte always struggled making friends even when she was little. I think you were the first proper one she had.’

‘Really?’ I hadn’t known this. Come to think of it, I didn’t really know much about Lottie’s life before we met, only that she had been to a school before that she hated. I remember how annoying I’d found her initially, thinking she was too posh and conceited for me. Looking back, I can’t believe how judgemental I’d been.

Erica smiles a little and comes to sit on the chair near me. I can smell her strong perfume, mixed in with something else more bitter. Is it vodka? She wobbles a little as she settles herself. ‘Charlotte always was a bit of a difficult child I suppose. She would make friends, but then become quite possessive of them, she didn’t like them being with anyone else. As she got a bit older, I saw other changes in her. Maybe it was insecurity, I don’t know. Me splitting up with her dad couldn’t have helped – but she seemed to love her friends fiercely, to want everything they had. It was that envy that often got in the way of her making any true relationships.’

Jay, I thought. Was Lottie jealous of me and Jay? I’d never seen any evidence of that. If anything, she had been supportive and encouraging. But it had been Lottie that Jay ended up with, hadn’t it? I quickly shook the thought away. It was easy to blame Lottie for everything when she wasn’t here to defend herself and I knew how spiteful Erica could be towards her. Jay had made his choices back then; it wasn’t up to anyone else. I wasn’t prepared to blame the woman for a man’s betrayal. Jay had chosen to sleep with her.

‘I’ve been using her Jar of Joy,’ I say, trying to move the direction of conversation. ‘It’s actually helped a bit to relive some of the happy times we spent together.’

‘She loved her jars; I still have hers in her wardrobe. I don’t even know what to do with them,’ Erica sighs. ‘I should throw them away I suppose, but that feels wrong somehow.’

‘You could read them?’ I offer. After all, maybe that’s what Lottie wants – she seems to want to share her messages.

Erica stiffens. ‘Read them. Why on earth would I want to do that?’

‘I don’t know…’ I feel uneasy now, a bit silly. ‘Maybe it will help to see what made Lottie really feel happy in the past. Maybe it will help you?’

‘You have no idea what will make me happy, Sara,’ she snaps. ‘None at all.’

Silence falls. I sip my water again and try to force back the words I long to say to her. Why is she so scared of digging up Lottie’s life a bit? Is she worried she will see something that she won’t like?

‘Actually, it’s because of Lottie’s Jar of Joy that I’m here,’ I say eventually. Digging into my pocket, I draw out the last message. Erica takes the paper with shaky hands and takes her time to read the words.

‘I don’t understand, she wants you to have her diary? Surely that’s private?’

‘It’s what she said.’ I shrug. ‘I’m not even sure I’ll read it, Erica. Maybe it’s not that sort of diary. Maybe it’s just a journal or something?’

Or maybe Lottie has something she wants to tell me?

Erica shrugs and hands the message back to me. ‘I’ll go and get it now.’ Her eyes glint at me. ‘But I warn you, Sara, sometimes no good can be had from rooting around in the past. I know my daughter had the best of intentions, but for all of our benefits, I think we need to focus on the future now.’