Day Fifteen
Sara
I woke up late. I’d been up most of the night reading. The diary lay discarded by the side of my bed. Lottie’s words flood me, like a cold wind sweeping through my brain. I pull the covers tight over my body as if it would protect me in some way.
All of Lottie’s feelings have now been revealed.
Her desire to get with Jay.
Her weird jealousy of me.
The letter she had forged.
And the lies she had told to try and keep us both apart.
It was all there, right in front of me. Lottie wanted me to read it, so I guess she needed me to know what a horrible, fake person she had really been. I shake my head at the craziness of it all.
‘You were never my friend,’ I hiss, getting out of bed and kicking the book across the room. She was the worst type of enemy – a silent one, only interested in destroying and hurting others.
I am done.
I busy myself. I can’t face breakfast, so I feed the cats and get myself half decent instead. I put the radio on to try and distract my brain. When a dance record comes on that reminds me of Lottie, I quickly change the station. Eighties music floods the room instead and I instantly relax. I pick up the shattered glass and broken remains from Lottie’s jar and throw it all away, rinsing the sink so that every trace of her stupid glitter is gone. I pocket her last message, meaning to throw it away later. I don’t think I can ever face that one.
I try to ring Jay. I need to speak to him. I have so much to say, but his phone clicks straight through to voicemail.
‘Hey,’ I say, leaving a croaky message. ‘We really need to talk. I’ve found some stuff out. Please call me. It’s important.’
I wonder if he’s already gone back to Newcastle. I debate jumping on a train and following him up there, but I don’t even know his address, and it’s not like I can knock at his mum’s and ask for it, I’m still probably the last person she wants to see.
I pace the flat. I can’t stay here. It’s already getting hot, and my mind is racing. The only other person I want to confront is dead and can’t answer my questions.
I scoop up my bag and head out of the door.
There is only one other person who can cheer me up when I’m feeling like this.
‘Twice in one week? Aren’t you meant to be on holiday and getting a break from here?’
Derek is back in the main resident’s sitting room. He is looking so much better. He has colour in his cheeks now and his bright smile is back, I immediately feel my spirits lighten just seeing him.
‘Well, I just can’t keep away, can I?’ I say, smiling. ‘Besides, I wanted to update you on the Lottie saga.’
Derek leans forward. ‘Take a seat and tell me more!’
I perch on the armchair next to him and tell him the whole sorry story. I watch as his eyes widen at the key points, then as he nods delicately as I draw to a close. Once I finish, he taps my hand lightly with his long, thin fingers.
‘That is quite a lot, Sara.’
‘I know.’ I bow my head. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t notice these things before. I’ve been so stupid. Why didn’t I see what Lottie was up to? Instead, I just ran away like I always do. I never gave Jay a chance to sort things out with me.’
Derek sighs softly. ‘Now is not the time for regrets. We could all spend hours looking back on our lives and wishing we’d done things differently. I think you should be seeing this in a different light.’
‘How?’ My voice cracks. ‘How can I see this any differently? It’s a mess, all of it. I thought Lottie was my friend, I thought she cared for me…’
‘I think she did, but she sounded like a very confused young woman. I think Lottie saw your life as a reflection on her own – it showed her what she was missing. She sounded like a very lonely and mixed-up person.’
‘But that doesn’t make what she did right, does it?’ I say, feeling indignant.
‘Not at all.’ Derek smiles and squeezes my hand. ‘But it does mean that you can have a little bit of empathy towards her. You’ve admitted before that you and Jay were uncertain before, both of you were putting obstacles between yourselves. Who knows what might have happened if you had gotten together when you were younger, maybe you weren’t ready?’
‘But we didn’t get the opportunity to try.’
‘Maybe not – but you did get the opportunity to spread your wings, to travel, to see some of the world, and Jay got to focus on his career. Who knows what would’ve happened if you had both stayed together in the same town. I’m not saying what Lottie did was right, but she was young, jealous and foolish and maybe her actions haven’t been that damaging because it sounds to me that you both still have feelings for each other.’
I nod slowly. ‘I do still like him, Derek, but I’ve pushed him away again. I keep doing that to him. I’m worried that this time it might be for good.’
‘You have to find out, one way or another. Your heart needs to know the answer.’ Derek’s voice is firmer now. ‘Life passes too fast, Sara. If you are given a second chance you should grab it with both hands. Don’t be an old man like me, sitting here with regrets.’
I squeeze his hand. ‘Thank you.’
‘Try not to be angry with Lottie,’ he adds. ‘I think she is seeking your forgiveness now. The diary, the Jar of Joy – they have all been ways to bring you back to the truth. Lottie wants you to be happy, I think she wanted to give you your joy back. She wanted to put things right.’
‘There’s one final message of hers,’ I say, digging it out of my pocket. ‘I was going to throw it away, but maybe—’
‘Read it,’ Derek urges. ‘It might bring an end to all of this.’
Gently, I unravel the crumpled paper. My heart is in my mouth as I read the words.
‘Oh my God,’ I whisper. ‘Why does she want me there?’
Derek looks confused. ‘Are you OK, Sara?’
I nod, even though I know my face is on fire. ‘Yeah, I’m fine. It’s the last place I want to go right now, but I will.’
I just hope Derek was right and it will bring me some kind of closure.
Jess hugs me on the way out. ‘Are you OK?’ she asks, fussing around me. ‘You look so pale – and I worry I’ve not been much of a friend, since, well, you know…’
I hug her back, suddenly realising how much I’ve needed this, a simple hug. I feel like I’m melting into her. ‘I’m fine, Jess, honestly. My head has been all over the place, but it’s not been all bad.’
I give her a quick run-down of events. She is clearly shocked over Lottie’s actions, but Derek has given me a different perspective.
‘I don’t think Lottie was in a good place for a long time,’ I say. ‘But when I came back from travelling, she was different. Maybe the illness gave her perspective, but I think she had grown up too. That last year we spent together was special, I don’t want to forget that. I think I was the friend she needed then, the one she’d always been looking for. And she was good for me too, we had so many special moments together. There were times when she tried to talk to me about stuff from the past, but I just shut her down, selfishly I wasn’t ready for that. I guess that’s why she did the jar. She needed me to know the truth.’
Jess smiles. ‘I’m glad you can see the good in all of this.’
‘I think I’m starting to. I’m back talking to my brother. Mum and me are a bit stronger than we were – hey, I even don’t hate Erica as much as I did.’ I half laugh. ‘In a weird way Lottie has sorted out half of my problems.’
‘Except you and Jay?’
‘Maybe no one can help us,’ I say quietly, my stomach clenching. ‘Even I don’t know the answer to that one yet.’
I head straight to where Lottie instructed me to. I’m still confused as to why she has chosen this place. It’s so specific, so personal.
And so sad.
I crunch across the stones to the same groyne that I had sat against all those years ago. The sea is much calmer today and of course it is daylight now, not night. I sit myself down on the damp pebbles and stare across at the same beach outlook that I had before. It’s busy today, there are families gathered, sitting on towels and blankets. Windbreakers snap in the breeze. A dog runs between the stones yapping excitedly. If I look up, past the beach, I can see the tiny winding path that leads right up to Lottie’s back gate.
All those years ago me and Jay had been alone here. We had just kissed at first, hesitantly, unsure, all those years of teasing and bickering suddenly unleashing in a drunken and lustful need. Jay had pulled back, staring in my eyes with an uncertain gaze.
Was this what I wanted? Was I sure?
The throb between my legs and the heat that was rising throughout me told me all I needed to know. I pulled him towards me. Soon we were tugging and pawing at each other. Jay’s hand slipped under my dress, he found my breast and squeezed it. I remember crying out, not in pain but in lust. I pushed aside my knickers, hitched up my dress. All I wanted was Jay inside of me; I needed him.
The crash of the waves that night and the sharpness of the rocks against my skin only made me want him more. I remember his weight as he pressed against me, the first thrust of him as he entered me, the ripple of pleasure that overcame me as he stroked and teased me.
That night had been so rough, so quick, and yet so perfect. Afterwards, we both lay with our arms wrapped around each other, tears in our eyes, sand and stone stinging our skin.
‘Was that OK?’ he’d whispered.
I’d kissed his chapped, salty lips and laughed.
It had been more than OK. It was wonderful, amazing, everything I had ever wanted and yet…
I had never told him that.
I had got up. Pulled up my knickers and laughed it off.
If only I had told him that night, instead of making out it was no big deal, none of this shit would have happened. Lottie was right in her diary: I was never clear with Jay. I sent him mixed signals. My own insecurities had caused this mess.
It was because of me that Jay and I had failed before we’d had a chance to begin.
Tears begin to flow, and I don’t fight them off this time, I don’t see the point. I’m not hiding any more. I can see the person that I am.
I need to break free from her.
‘Sara?’
I look up.
Jay is standing in front of me. I have to blink several times, hardly able to believe it. I rub at my streaming eyes.
‘Sara? What’s wrong?’
‘I thought…’ I shake my head. ‘I thought you’d gone?’
‘I nearly did,’ he says, ‘but then I remembered I had one more message.’
Jay holds out a jar in front of him. I stare at it blankly for a moment or two. ‘Hang on. You have one too?’
He nods. ‘Yeah. Erica brought it over after Lottie’s funeral. It’s filled with memories, of places we used to go.’
I pause, thinking this all through. ‘Was that why you were at the cafe like me? The flats?’
Jay smiles. ‘Yeah, Lottie wanted me to revisit all our favourite places…’
‘I thought you were checking up on me.’
‘Well – it was good to see you, too.’
I shake my head. ‘But this makes no sense. Why did she make us both one?’
Jay shrugs. ‘I’m not sure. Maybe so I stuck around for a bit? So I got to remember the fun things we did together – to honest, most of the memories reminded me of you, not Lottie.’
‘Funny that,’ I say quietly.
‘Also, I still have one last message – well not so much a message, it’s a letter.’ He pulls it gently out of the jar. ‘And it’s addressed to both of us.’
Dear Jay and Sara,
I hope you are reading this as I planned, on your spot on the beach. I’m sorry it’s come to this. I hoped that I might have had the opportunity to tell you the truth to your faces, but I always was a bit of a coward and was always better at writing stuff down than actually saying it out loud. I hope you can see that I meant no malice in my actions, I was misguided and naive and a bit of a bitch. For all of these things, I’m sorry. I really am.
Above everything else – I mistook your love for each other. I didn’t quite realise how important you were to one other. By stepping between you, I did a terrible thing and for that I have so much regret.
I genuinely love both of you. Sara – I wanted to be your best friend, your only friend. And Jay, I wanted to be loved by someone and I was so scared of losing you both, of being alone.
Stupid, isn’t it? It’s only now that I realise that I could have had both of your friendships if I hadn’t been so bloody selfish. I think when you are alone a lot, you forget to see the bigger picture. I spent too long focusing on the things I didn’t have, rather than seeing the things that I did have right in front of me.
I forgot to see the joy.
That’s why I made you both the jars. I bet you both thought they were pretty naff, but I hope you can understand my thought behind them. I wanted you to re-experience some of the important moments we shared together – even more vital, I wanted you to remember what it is that matters.
I may have been guilty of trying to break you two up, of telling lies and trying to be something I wasn’t – but you two aren’t innocent either. Sara, you have constantly hidden yourself from any conflict or stress. You are too afraid to embrace the life you really want. And Jay – you too were fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. You have to take chances sometimes. I know you both fear rejection, but a life of loneliness is far worse. Believe me. I know.
And you are both rubbish at telling each other how you really feel!
I love you both so much and now all I want is for you to be happy. Stop letting others be the excuse for you to not give this a chance. Your family will have to accept your decision, and they will because they love you too. You are no longer Romeo and Juliet. For a while I was your poison, but now I’m gone. Now you are Jay and Sara. This is your life and yours alone and it’s desperately short, so please embrace it.
I was wrong to be jealous of you. I want you to continue finding joy, not find reasons to hide away from it. I am much happier now, which is ironic because I’m dying – but I’ve finally accepted and learnt to love the person I am. I am also so grateful to have my friendship with you back, Sara – the time we spent together was precious and I have memories, laughter and joy that will stay with me forever (and hopefully beyond – whatever that may be).
I now want the same thing for both of you.
You are so lucky to have each other, don’t let it go again.
Be brave.
And above all, let love win.
Lottie
XXX