Pieces of Us

Day Fifteen

Sara

Jay folds the letter back up and lets out a deep breath. ‘Wow.’

I can’t talk, not straight away. Around us is the chatter of happy families, the crash of the waves, the call of the seagulls – but suddenly it’s like Jay and I have been sucked into a tiny vacuum, just the two of us. All I can hear is the soft sound of his breathing.

‘Did you know any of this?’ he asks.

‘Most of it – I’d just started to find out,’ I say, and then I tell him everything I know. I watch as his face crumples as the facts hit him. It breaks my heart to see the effect my words have on him. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I whisper even though it wasn’t my fault, not really.

‘I need to process this,’ he mutters.

We sit down, our backs against the groyne. Jay is still clutching the letter in his hand. He shakes his head.

‘I can’t believe she did this – all this time she was coming between us.’

‘To be honest, Jay, I think we put enough obstacles between ourselves.’

He stares at me blinking. ‘But if I’d received your letter – the one you were meant to give me – everything would have turned out different.’

‘Maybe.’ I stretch out my legs, giving thought to this. ‘But who knows? We were both different then. I was so scared of commitment, of being hurt. We were both young and daft. We were both still so worried about upsetting our parents. Maybe it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Lottie did a bad thing, but she might’ve been right – we weren’t in a good place for each other.’

‘And what about now?’ Jay asks tentatively.

‘Now?’ I smile weakly. ‘I dunno – I guess we’re still young and daft.’

‘Are you still scared of commitment?’

‘No, I don’t think so.’ My eyes fix on his. ‘Are you scared of upsetting your parents?’

Jay laughs. ‘I think I’ve upset them a million times over. Do you know what, I don’t think they’d even be bothered about us.’

I shrug. ‘Maybe not. It seemed like such a big thing at the time, didn’t it?’

‘They have their own crap going on.’ Jay pauses. ‘I think all they ever wanted was for us two to be happy.’

‘Lottie was right, wasn’t she? We have to start looking for the joy in things, don’t we?’

Jay reaches out and touches my face tenderly. A shiver feeds it way right down to the base of my spine, like an electric spark igniting me.

‘Sara,’ he says quietly. ‘You know how I feel about you, don’t you?’

I stare back into his eyes, those beautiful clear eyes that I used to dream about on the lonely nights when I was trying so hard to forget about him. Lottie was right, I had always been so scared of love, I tried to push it away. I thought it was the thing that end up harming, or even destroying, me. But I knew right now that it was the thing I needed more than ever.

More specifically, I needed Jay.

Jay leans towards me and when our lips meet I actually gasp. It’s not like before, it’s more hungry, more urgent. My hands claw his hair, our tongues meet. I want him so badly that the desire is making my body shake. I’ve waited too bloody long for this.

I pull away.

‘Not here,’ I say, my gaze burning into his.

And then I take his hand and lead him away.

Back at my flat we can’t keep our hands off each other, it’s like that first time again – desperate and keen – except this time there is a different energy in the room, an understanding that we are both taking this seriously. I lead Jay into my bedroom, and we continue kissing hungrily, tugging our clothes and groaning desperately – both knowing that we have waited too long for this.

I push Jay on the bed and clamber on top of him. His body is perfectly firm and a little more defined than I remember; my fingers trace the newly formed muscles.

‘Been working out?’ I tease.

Jay smiles. He is also exploring my body. He strokes my breasts, my stomach, my hips. ‘You are still as perfect as I remember,’ he says.

The sex is fast, hot and urgent. I thrust against Jay, loving the feel of him inside me and wanting more. We come together in a loud sticky mess. Jay laughs. I have tears in my eyes. We both cling to each other almost too scared to let go.

‘I’ve waited for that moment for so long,’ he says, his breathing ragged. ‘I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dreamt about being back here. With you.’

‘And now you are,’ I murmur back.

We have sex again, but this time it’s slow and sensual. Then we take the time to explore each other’s bodies, and with every touch, I shiver. Jay kisses my neck and then continues down to my chest, my stomach and beyond. I am burning with lust, with love and with overriding joy. When I stare up at the ceiling, I swear I see stars dancing above me.

It is so perfect; it almost scares me.

Jay comes back up. He strokes my face.

‘Sara. Why are you crying? Didn’t you like it?’

‘I loved it.’ I smile weakly at him. ‘But I’m so scared something will happen.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Things have got in the way before – our parents, Lottie, even us.’ I sniff. ‘What if goes wrong again? I’m so scared of being hurt, Jay. I know it’s pathetic but it’s true.’

‘I’m not going to hurt you.’

‘I know – I know you don’t want to – but you can’t know. You can’t know what will happen in the future.’

Jay leans up on his elbow. ‘No, that’s true. I can’t. But I know we have to stop being scared of what might be. Look how amazing tonight has been. I’d rather risk having more nights like these than walking away and never having it again.’ He kisses me gently on my lips. ‘We can be happy, Sara. We are allowed to be and together we can face whatever comes our way in the future.’

He pulls me towards him, and I curl up into his warm body, my head resting on his chest like a pillow. It’s so late now, we are both aching and tired. I feel myself begin to relax and soften as my mind begins to drift. Lying here in his arms feels so right. It’s like it’s always been this way. Just me and Jay. Us against the world.

‘Sara,’ he whispers. ‘It was always you. Always.’

I smile into his chest.

‘It was always you, Jay. Even though I tried, I could never forget you.’