Day Sixteen
Sara
My last day of leave and we have so much to sort out. In the space of a day, so much had changed. Jay and I sit in my small kitchen, eating breakfast together and smiling shyly over the table. Everything has shifted now. I am content, warm and happy and even though a little bit of fear dances beneath my emotions, I am learning to embrace it. Fear doesn’t have to be a bad thing. For the first time in so long, I feel alive.
Jay bends down to fuss the cats, who are desperately trying to get our attention.
‘I never took you for a mad cat woman,’ he teases.
‘I never really took me for a cat person full stop, but Goose and now Fifi have filled a gap in my life.’ I shrug. ‘I couldn’t be without them now.’
He smiles. ‘It just shows what happens when you let love in.’
I pull a face. ‘Urgh. Don’t be so cheesy.’
He rights himself again. His face is more serious, his gorgeous eyes are fixed on mine. ‘So what now, Sara?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, you have your life down here. I’m in Newcastle. We have our family to think about. All the stuff that Lottie revealed. What are we going to do next?’
I sip my tea. ‘I guess we need to talk.’ I hold his gaze. ‘But first, shall we go back to bed? We have a lot of catching up to do.’
Jay doesn’t need asking twice.
We visit Jay’s mum first. I’m dead anxious. I haven’t seen her for years, but she barely reacts when Jay brings me into the flat. Her smile is warm and welcoming. We have tea with her and tell her our plans and she seems pleased for us.
‘This is the happiest I’ve seen Jay look for ages,’ she told me quietly, when I helped her take the cups out into the kitchen. ‘I’ve been so worried about him. He’s been through a lot; you know, stressing about his dad and then that business with Lottie – she totally drained him.’
‘I always thought…’ I said hesitantly, unsure of how to put into words the fear I had about her reaction, knowing that she had never liked my family. She simply rested her hand on mine.
‘The past is the past, Sara. You can’t worry about things that were done by other people. I misjudged you in the past when I shouldn’t have. I’d like to think we’ve all moved on now.’
We hug at the door, and I feel some of my worry ebb away.
‘You see,’ Jay says. ‘I told you it wouldn’t be that bad.’
We cross the estate to my mum’s flat. We know the two still aren’t friends, but I’m hoping my mum will be just as understanding. She opens the door with a beaming smile, clearly pleased to see me, but a concerned look passes across her face when she sees Jay beside me.
We step inside and I tell her everything. I feel quite exhausted by the entire story. Mum’s gaze flicks between mine and Jay’s. Finally, she pulls me into her arms.
‘Oh, Sara. What an ordeal.’
‘Yes, for us both.’
‘Indeed.’ She nods, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. ‘I feel so bad. If I hadn’t had had my own dramas, maybe you and Jay would’ve been fine back then. I hate to think of how unhappy you both were.’
‘It’s OK,’ Jay tells her. ‘We’re together now, that’s all that matters.’
Mum nods. ‘And what are you going to do now, Jay? Are you moving back here?’
We tell her what we’ve discussed. I notice how her expression clouds a little. She sniffs but continues nodding.
‘I’ll still visit lots, Mum, after I have a new nephew or niece to spoil, but I need a new start – I think I’ve needed one for a while.’
‘And you’re sure this is what you want to do?’
My voice is firm. ‘I’ve never been more certain.’
Her smile is bright. ‘Then you must do it.’ She takes both our hands in hers. ‘For what it’s worth, I always thought you two should be together. There is something about you – it’s almost magical. You don’t want to let that go.’
I’m not as keen on visiting the next person, but Jay insists it’s the right thing to do. We have loose ends to tie up. We have chapters to close.
I knock at the door awkwardly, my stomach feeling the same hollow ache it did the last time I was here.
‘It’s horrible being here, knowing Lottie will never be back,’ I say quietly. ‘Despite everything she did, I still miss her. I always will.’
Jay rubs my back. ‘I know.’
Erica opens the door slowly. As she peers through the gap, I see she is the same broken woman from before. Her face is still unmade-up, her hair is not as groomed. It is like there is a part of her missing.
‘Both of you?’ Her voice is clipped. ‘To what do I owe this pleasure?’
‘We just wanted a quick word, if that’s OK?’ I say.
Erica seems to consider this for a moment, then shrugs and lets us in. Once again, I am walking through her sparse minimal space until I find myself in the large kitchen. Jay is beside me feeling just as stiff and awkward as I do.
‘Why are you here?’ she asks.
I pause before talking. I could hit her with everything – what we had found out from Lottie, the lies we had discovered Erica herself had been telling, all of the deceptions that had been created to try and keep me and Jay apart, but what would be the point? Looking at Erica now, all I can see is a lonely, tired woman. A woman who knows that she failed her own daughter. By throwing more accusations and blame at her, what was I going to achieve? She’s already grieving; she’s already in pain – I don’t need to add to that.
Besides, as Jay hooks his hand into mine, I can tell by Erica’s resigned face that she knows we are together now. We don’t need to point-score.
Instead, I pass her the small bag I’m carrying in my other hand.
‘This is for you,’ I say gently.
Erica takes it, looking confused, and then pulls out Lottie’s diary. She holds it awkwardly. ‘I’m not sure Lottie wanted me to have this,’ she says finally.
‘No, maybe she didn’t, but I can’t keep it. It’s not right,’ I say carefully. ‘I think maybe Lottie’s diaries, her Jars of Joy – all those things should be kept together.’
Erica places the diary on the counter and bows her head. ‘Yes, maybe – I’ll put it somewhere safe. You’re right, her things should be together. I’m just not sure—’ Her voice catches and her hand leaps to her mouth. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispers. ‘I’m not very good at this.’
‘It’s all right, Erica.’ I go over to her, help her sit down. Jay offers to make her a drink and she asks for a strong coffee. For a few minutes we busy ourselves looking after her. I make her eat a biscuit (she looks like she hasn’t eaten for days) and then we both sit beside her on her wobbly bar stools.
‘I read her Jar of Joy,’ Erica says finally, her voice still shaking a little. ‘That’s not like a diary is it? There were old messages in it, from when she was little. It made me so sad, reading all the things that had made her happy. Silly things, little things – like us two watching films together, or baking cakes for her dad.’ She scoffs gently and then sips her drink. ‘I thought for so long that she was a happy girl. She had everything she wanted. A pool, horse-riding lessons, designer clothes, nice holidays – but not once did she write those things in her jar. She was happiest with us, with me and her dad, but we were always so busy…’
‘Erica, don’t blame yourself,’ I say gently. Even though a bit of me does blame her. After all, if she had been a better mum, Lottie might not have grown up to be so vindictive and jealous.
‘I changed after the divorce. I know that now. I was so selfish and bitter.’ Erica shakes her head. ‘I can’t keep pretending. I messed up.’
‘But Lottie had those happy memories of you, right?’ Jay says. ‘She held onto them. They made a difference to her. You have to remember that.’
Erica sniffs. She probably knows it was a small thing, but it was all she had right now.
‘I was thinking…’ I say carefully. ‘About Lottie’s ashes?’
Erica looks up sharply. ‘What about them?’
‘I was wondering if we could scatter them by the lake? Lottie always loved it there and it would be a nice place to remember her. We could maybe get a bench and dedicate it to her?’
Erica nods slowly. ‘Yes… Yes, I like that idea, Sara. It would be good to do something like that.’
‘We are never going to forget her,’ I add softly. ‘She taught me a lot. She has helped me in ways I wasn’t expecting.’
Erica looks up and smiles for the first time. It lights up her face. ‘She loved you, both of you. You were good friends to her and I’m guessing she possibly wasn’t the easiest to be around at times, but Lottie had a good heart underneath it all. She was just searching for happiness, that’s all.’
‘I know,’ I say back quietly.
I hope she was right in her letter, I hope she found a little bit of it.
It still hurts me to think that Lottie died without that.
Our last visit is probably the hardest one. I squeeze Jay’s hand as I walk through the door. Luckily Sharon sees me straightaway, and although she’s disappointed with my decision, she understands. She gives me a hug.
‘You are great at your job,’ she says. ‘But I always had a feeling your heart was someplace else. There will always be a door open here if you need it.’
I insist on seeing Derek before we leave. Sharon gives us permission to take him for a walk around the grounds. He looks up as soon as we approach, a cheeky little grin crossing his face.
‘Ah, Sara, please tell me this is the elusive Jay I’ve heard so much about?’
Jay attempts a polite bow. ‘Pleased to meet you, sir.’
Derek bats him away. ‘You daft bugger, none of that please. But you can push this bloody thing if you want to be helpful.’
‘Actually,’ Jay says gently, ‘I’ve been offered the opportunity to have a coffee with Sara’s friend, Jess.’
Jess is standing a few feet away, grinning. I knew she was desperate to grill Jay. I am cringing at the thought of what she might ask!
‘Me and you are going for a short stroll together,’ I say to Derek, taking hold of the wheelchair. ‘I hope that’s OK?’
‘Of course it is,’ Derek replies. ‘Sounds like a perfect afternoon.’
It was Jay’s idea that I should speak to Derek alone. He knew how much the man meant to me. As we walk across the grounds with the sun beating against my face, I could feel the tears begin to build in my eyes. How was I going to be able to leave him behind?
‘This is the last time I’ll see you, isn’t it?’ Derek says finally, sounding quite cheerful about the matter.
I stopped walking and put the brake on the chair. We were in a quiet, shaded spot quite far from the house.
‘It’s not the last time,’ I say. ‘But I’ve handed in my notice today. I’ve only got a week’s notice and Sharon has said I can forgo that because of all the stuff that’s been going on, but I’m not moving to Mars, Derek—’
‘You’re moving to Newcastle.’
‘Yeah, yeah, I am. There is a vibrant art scene there. Jay has a spare room and—’ I shake my head, trying to gather my thoughts. ‘It sounds crazy, Derek. Everything is moving so fast and yet it’s not. This is the most sense anything has ever made. I want to do my art. I want to move away. I want to be with Jay. He’s even happy to put up with my mad cats. I know it’s a risk, but I’m sick of being careful all of the time.’
‘You’re doing the right thing,’ Derek says. ‘I always said you were bloody wasted here.’
I laugh. ‘I want to train as an art therapist. I want to work with older residents, help people with dementia and trauma – that sort of thing. I think I can be good at it.’
‘I know you’ll be good at it.’ Derek tuts under his breath. ‘You don’t need to convince me, Sara. I’ve been waiting for you to find your happiness and finally you have.’
‘But I’ll miss you,’ I say quietly.
‘And I’ll miss you. But I’m an old man with not much time left and you’re a young girl with a life to lead. I will be happy knowing you’re free.’
I can feel my tears building and try to fight them back. ‘I’ll visit.’
‘You don’t have to do that.’
‘I want to.’ I smile. ‘Besides, I still have family here, Derek. Like I said, I’m not moving to Mars. You don’t get rid of me that easily. I can come and tell you all my training dramas.’
Derek laughs softly. ‘In that case, I’ll look forward to it.’
We sit for a while, just enjoying the weakening late afternoon sun, and then I start to wheel Derek back, conscious that he needs his rest.
‘I hope I’m not making a big mistake,’ I say, as we approach the house. ‘What if Jay hurts me again? What if I hate the course?’
‘Life is full of “what-ifs” – the secret is to embrace them, don’t run away from them. You will cope with whatever is thrown at you, Sara. You are strong and capable. You’ll be fine.’
‘You think so?’
‘Of course.’ Derek chuckles as we hit the main path. ‘Your friend gave you the greatest gift. She helped you find your joy, and whatever mistakes she made in the past, she ensured she helped you get back what you needed.’
I glance up and see that Jay is waiting for me by the entrance. He smiles as I approach and my entire body lights up. He is perfect.
Derek is right, I have been given the greatest gift. One I have longed for for so long.
Suddenly I hear a breath of laughter and a familiar voice floods my ear.
‘ Thank you ,’ Lottie says softly. ‘ You were the greatest friend. Be happy now, because I finally am. ’
I turn my face to the sky and I smile.