Pieces of Us

Chapter 13 What I’ve Done

I walk up the front steps of the Hayes residence, my arms laden with a tropical fruit platter and chocolate pavlova that I prepared earlier this morning. I am a little late, thanks to my meeting with my manager over the lingerie samples, the new range of teas coming out in December—just in time for Christmas and winter—as well as rearranging my schedule so I could stay with Dad a bit longer. I decided to FaceTime Mum in Paris for a pep talk before I made my way over here. I also procrastinated on my outfit choice. For a long time.

When I woke up this morning, I realised I haven’t been to this home since that day, and I didn’t think I’d ever step foot in here again. Uncle Jacob and Jas accommodated me back in year twelve so I didn’t have to be near the property where my heart was blasted to pieces.

I was nervous, but I really have no reason to be. Dad is already here after hitching a ride with Lily, along with our other friends and their parents. We are a tight-knit cohort, so of course our parents stayed friends after thirteen years of schooling. I also know the majority of the Hayes family—apart from the new partners of kids, since I left all those years ago.

My plan is clear and concise.

I will see him, wave, give a polite smile and maybe even a quick hello, then beeline for my people, avoiding him for the rest of the afternoon. All I need to do is put on my Bras and Stars persona and act aloof, like everything is better than fine between us.

It is a known policy to just let ourselves in at the Hayes home, so there’s no need for me to ring the bell. Turning the polished handle, I’m relieved to find the air conditioner is blasting in this unbearable humidity.

Nostalgia and bittersweet memories encapsulate me as I take in the familiar surroundings. The home is exquisite, as expected with Uncle Jacob being an architect, but it’s the homely feel that stirs flutters inside me. I’m everywhere. My pictures still adorn the walls, and photos of me growing up beside Linc are lined up on the mantel. I’m touched that Uncle Jacob still sees me as one of his own.

As I travel through the hallway, I can hear the beats of eighties and nineties emo rock playing. Speakers and a state-of-the-art entertainment suite have long been a prominent feature in the backyard, which we often took advantage of when we were younger.

Entering the kitchen, I can see Lily fishing a beer out of the fridge for Dad, who’s rolling around. Lily is a nurse, so if anyone is going to know the ins and outs of patient care, it’s her. They both got sick of waiting for me earlier, so they ditched me and came together. A few other familiar faces are milling around too. Lara—Lily’s mum, Uncle Jacob’s brother, Jack, and his wife, Jill. I wish I was kidding with the names, but I’m not. In my head, whenever I see them, I repeat the nursery rhyme. Plastering on my social face, I go to greet everyone.

‘Honey!’ Dad cries in elation, as if he hasn’t been hovering over me all night and morning in case I have a mental breakdown.

Everyone in the vicinity turns to stare at me, which I’m used to. These days, I’m as famous as Ellen De Generes, Ryan Seacrest, Catt Sadler or Giuliana Rancic. Teens as young as thirteen and adults as old as fifty or so often do a double take and gawk at me. Especially if I am in a bikini. I’ve had many stop to take a photo with me or ask for a video. It is the perils of having the high-profile job that I do. I am conscious of my image. Not just physically, but in the manner I hold myself. One wrong word, dirty look or rude outburst can wipe me off the map.

The difference in the people standing and surreptitiously gawking at me now is that I know them.

‘Where should I place these?’ I hold up the fruit and pav. ‘It needs to go in the fridge.’

‘Fridge in here’s not full yet,’ Dad grunts, stirring in his seat. He looks uncomfortable. I head to the enormous double-door fridge to place the food inside.

‘Hey, Lara. Long time, no see. Leo here?’ I kiss her on the cheek before hugging her. Leo is Lara’s husband and Lily’s dad. I think the last time I saw him was when he picked Lily and I up on our last day of school. I didn’t hang around for formal, and I opted to skip graduation, too.

‘Outside, by the barbie. Go see everyone,’ she says, shooing me away.

I peer at the open French doors to the outside area. The offending spa has been removed, which inflates my demeanour. I can smell barbecued meat wafting in the air, which makes my stomach rumble. About forty or so people are hanging around the deck and pool, which I can see is being put to good use in this heat.

Spotting an animated Lily and Rome sharing a pool bed, I also see a few more of our old high school peers whom I haven’t bothered to stay in touch with.

Over by the barbecue is Uncle Jacob and Leo, manning the tongs. A few other men are also crowded around on onion watch. They are doing that manly bonding thing. Among the group is Joel—the dickhead friend of Lincoln’s who never gave me the time of day. He was always a bad influence on Lincoln, but it isn’t fair to just blame Joel the jackass. Lincoln is fully at fault for his actions.

As I observe the group of men, I’m struck by a tall, lean man approaching Uncle Jacob, handing him a tray of sliced potatoes. A man who has distinguishable dark strands and an all-too-familiar smirk. I lived for that smirk back in the day.

Seeing him brings a swarm of butterflies to my stomach. Or is that the sting of bees? I immediately lose my appetite and have the urge to run.

Turning around, Jas is bounding my way. Thank God.

‘Hey, babe!’ I greet her enthusiastically. To distract myself from Lincoln, and to throw Jas off my nervous scent, I delve into my upcoming interviews. It works until we’re interrupted by Lincoln and Jas’s stuck up aunty, who has the body of a forty-five-year-old and the mind of a fifteen-year-old.

She is four times divorced with no children and lives for drama. We rarely saw her growing up, with her living in Victoria, but when she did manage to fit us into her busy schedule, it was always to ask Uncle Jacob for money. In all honesty, I have zero idea why she is even here. I never particularly liked her because she’d always make snarky comments, like, ‘Oh, you’re going to have a second plate?’, or ‘Do you know how many calories are in that?’ Her voice became my voice when I began my descent.

‘Oh, Amity! I was so sorry to hear about you and Lincoln!’ she practically yells, pulling me into a bear hug.

Jas shifts uncomfortably, letting out a nervous chuckle. ‘Aunt Yvonne, that was like ten years ago.’

‘Oh, I know, but I haven’t seen her since she went and got all hot and famous. No more bread rolls on your body anymore, huh, doll?’ Yvonne jokes as if we’re best friends.

Keep smiling. Keep smiling. Breathe and keep fucking smiling. This is the mantra I keep chanting loudly in my mind.

‘Guess I lost all the baby fat after all,’ I shrug. ‘We can’t all have a perfect figure like you, now, can we?’ I fake indulge, which delights her. It works like a charm, because she preens off my compliment, turning so I can see ‘just how much reformer pilates has changed her life.’

Jas and I stand there, listening to her go on about how we both needed to start botox years ago and how strained cucumber juice is the best colonic.

Just as she is about to launch into why white pedicures on the toes are so out—she’s wrong, by the way—Uncle Jacob saves us.

‘Sweetheart, I’m so glad you’re here. You’re definitely not the kid who used to play hide and seek anymore.’ I can tell he’s upset. I’ve been missing for seven years.

Yvonne slaps his chest. ‘Of course she isn’t. She’s super famous and grown up now. Not an ounce of fat in any of the wrong places. And look how hot she is!’ Again, my weight is brought up.

‘She never had any in the wrong places. Shut it, Yvonne,’ he spits back, ignoring her crude remarks.

‘Thank you, Uncle Jacob, but after a few of your sausage sizzles, that might not be the case.’ Over my dead body am I having more than one, but they don’t need to know that.

Moderation is key to sustainability.

‘You’ll still be drop-dead gorgeous,’ Jas complains, looking me up and down in mock disgust as if it offends her.

I did take extra care today with my appearance. I often wear a full face of make-up for my job, but today I wanted to go au naturale—especially because there was a one-hundred percent chance that it would melt off.

Thankfully, before I left, I made sure my eyebrow feathering was on point, as well as my full set of lashes, so my emerald eyes were accentuated. I have naturally plump lips, so fillers weren’t necessary, but I might have slid on some bee sting lip balm for some extra pout.

There was no way my long raven hair would look anything but frizzy with the humidity, so I’ve opted for a high, sleek ponytail that pulls my face taut. It is sort of a natural forehead and eyebrow lift.

I certainly miss my make-up and hair stylists on call, but it’s nice not having to sit in a chair for over an hour while my face is polished to perfection.

Bikinis and lingerie are my signature attire, so it’s no surprise that I’m wearing one today.

I decided to dress casually sexy in high-waisted black denim cut-offs and an open, white linen boyfriend shirt that exposes—or more like shows off—the exquisite La Perla luxury black beaded bikini I am wearing underneath. I’ve paired the outfit with Dior slides to show off my white pedicure. And to finish off my look, I’m wearing limited edition gold Ray-Bans. My wrists are adorned with three gold Cartier love bracelets—presents to myself when I made my first million.

‘I really missed your cooking.’ I pull Uncle Jacob in for a hug. When he pulls back, he smiles at me sadly, acknowledging the gulf between us.

An influx of happier memories push their way to the front of my mind. Water balloon fights with Lincoln, Uncle Jacob sneaking me a cooked corn cob before anyone else, watching the NRL grand final on the big screen, wrapping my legs around Lincoln in the pool, using the water as a blanket to disguise me giving him a sneaky handy, and blowing him off behind the pool shed when our dads were within twenty metres of us.

All these memories are the definition of a lifelong, soulmate love. If only that was the end of our story.

It wasn’t in plain sight before, but off to the left, a bit further away from the pool, is the very spa that ruined our future. As the disdainful memory assaults me, I stiffen. Blinking just as quick to erase the slideshow of foul memories, I breathe in deeply to centre myself. That was the past. I am in the present.

‘Let’s go sit with Rome and Lily, yeah? Dad, I think the guys are wrecking your barbie,’ Jas says, knowing I need an escape. It’s comical, how alarmed Uncle Jacob looks at the very thought of his precious food being ruined. I don’t chance a second glance at Yvonne, instead letting Jas lead me to the gated pool. I’m partially comforted that my glasses are already shading my eyes with the stares that are following my every move.

I paste on an extra toothy grin, like the one I use in my interviews or when I’m promoting my various products, so that people can see how totally normal it is for me to be here.

‘Hey, bitches,’ I call out. Bitches? I’ve never called anyone a bitch in my life. Lily pops her head up and frantically waves us over.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Lincoln and Joel have extricated themselves from the group of men and are making a beeline straight towards me. I pick up the pace, really not wanting to engage with them. That would be an epic collision, in my books.

Jas seems to get the hint, and we practically glide into the pool area and plop ourselves down on the remaining space near Lily and Rome.

‘Drink,’ Lily orders, handing me her half-empty cup of vodka, lime and soda. I chug the remaining contents, half to cool down and half to get drunk faster. Staring up at the clouds for a second, I scowl, remembering how Lincoln and I used to stare up at the sky for hours, finding shapes among the clouds. It started off innocently enough as kids, and then transformed into hand holding and making out for hours on end as the years went by.

‘Thanks.’ I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, the icy drops doing fuck all to cool me down. It’s stifling, but I don’t think that’s why I’m feeling feverish. Impossibly, the glimpse I saw of Lincoln confirms that he’s reached GQ-level sexy, which is ludicrously unfair.

‘Bastard looks good,’ It’s like Lily can read my mind.

Glaring at her, I respond. ‘Didn’t notice.’

‘Liar, liar, pants on fire,’ she snickers before going back to whomever she’s texting on her phone.

‘Why are you even here? I thought you and Rome avoided these parties now.’

‘For you, bitch. Tell us how the call went?’

‘Wouldn’t have made a difference if I made it or not. It was stilted, like I was talking to a stranger,’ I tell them honestly. ‘I was prepared to come in, smile or nod, maybe say hello, but now I have all this nervous energy just bubbling inside of me. It’s hard being here,’ I confess.

‘He was a massive part of your life, babe. Heck, he used to speak about you non-stop, even when we were like, twelve. Being here must feel like you’re walking down memory lane,’ Rome says, squeezing my thigh.

‘It is, but part of this place still feels like home because of Uncle Jacob and Jas, you know?’ I bump shoulders with Jas, who’s listening on sympathetically. My tinted sunglasses help disguise my perusal as I sneak a look back over to where Linc is talking to Yvonne.

He’s taller, broader, and his hair is in that perfect Ryan-Gosling-side-part-fuck-me style. The baby face that could charm the hell out of anyone and had dazzled me beyond comprehension is gone. In its place, a gruff stubble that alludes that he is all man. He still keeps himself in shape, lean and muscular, with defined biceps, but not too over the top. His megawatt grin is captivating as he tips his head back and laughs at whatever his aunt is babbling about. I can slightly hear it from here, and it’s his fake, polite laugh.

As if he feels my eyes on him, he turns to where I’m sitting and looks at me behind his dark shades. I can feel the sear of his gaze penetrate my core. Immediately, I look away, plucking a nonexistent piece of lint off my shorts. I don’t need to look up to see that he’s still watching me. The pull between us has always been magnetic; no matter where we were, we can always find each other among a sea of people.

‘I’m going to grab a drink. Do you want anything?’ Jas asks me.

‘Just water with lemon.’

With her leaving, a very precarious vacated seat is left beside me for anyone to fill. I’m not oblivious that my ex classmates are ogling this way, but I just wish they’d get over the staring and come and say hi. It’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable, like I’m an animal in a zoo.

‘Fuck. Incoming,’ Rome mutters, causing Lily to drop her phone and both of us to freeze. I am not ready to face Lincoln just yet. I don’t need to worry about that, though, since the second worst person approaches us. Joel.

‘So this is where the mega superstar is?’ He stands right in front of me, eclipsing the sun, forcing me to tip my head back. At the end of the day, Joel didn’t force Lincoln to break up with me or stop talking to me. He was just a cunt who fat-shamed me my entire life.

Reminding myself that I need to keep my cool, I politely smile. ‘Hi, Joel.’

His eyes sleazily roam over my features. I’m not immune to the fact that people do this day in and day out online and even on the street. At first, when I was battling my addiction and demons, I used to worry myself sick over every comment. But as I healed, I developed a thicker skin about my insecurities. Of course, they’re still there, but my self-worth is no longer attached to anyone else’s opinion.

‘I’ve watched every interview of yours. Who would have thought little miss teletubby would turn out to look better in a bra than anyone I know. The white, skimpy one when you interviewed the Vanderpump cast was my favourite.’ He winks, trying to flirt with me. I’m disgusted that he’s still so one-dimensional, basing a woman’s worth on her looks.

‘Stop being perverted,’ Rome snaps to my defence. ‘And stop with your deluded comments about weight.’ Rome and Lily are two of a handful of people who know the entire downfall of me, and they are protective when the issue is brought up.

There is an awkward lull where Joel shifts on his feet. I bet he regrets coming over here. His face turns beet red as Lily all but hisses at him and Rome staunches over him, sneering.

‘I was just complimenting Amity on…finding herself,’ he tries to backtrack. It’s as insincere as a sentence could be.

Not wanting to cause a commotion, I de-escalate the situation. ‘I appreciate it, Joel. We’ll catch up later.’ I swiftly dismiss him by looking at my phone. For a few more seconds, he stands there, but when it becomes apparent that none of us are going to continue the conversation, he sulks away.

I close my eyes, shutting the world out as I let out a soothing breath. That interaction reminds me why I’m so much better off in Los Angeles.

Lily has gone back to texting one-handed while she holds mine in the other while Rome resumes sitting. Jas hands me my water and then saunters off with some of her own friends.

‘Hey.’ A forced drawl has my body seizing up as if it has gone into self-preservation mode. The crunch of plastic crackles in my hand. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that Lily has put down her phone.

Lincoln Hayes.

Slowly tilting my head up, giving myself one last inner pep talk, I meet his gaze head-on. He smiles brightly down at me, but it’s not the usual easy one I have imprinted in my memory. Even after all these years, I know all of his tells. When he’s happy, sad, angry, horny. With just a look in his direction, I can see whatever emotion he has on his face. Right now, he is feeling the same as I am. Uneasy and unsure.

‘Hi.’ It’s barely a murmur, but I am proud of myself for at least acknowledging his presence in a somewhat friendly tone. Needing a couple of extra seconds to compose myself, I take a sip of water, hoping it trickles down my throat slowly enough that someone else says something first.

‘Your dad still throws awesome parties.’ Rome comes to the rescue, giving Lincoln one of those boy nods.

‘Yeah, he does. Thanks for coming, guys. I know Dad’s stoked to see you all again. Especially you, Amity.’ My name on his lips triggers some long-buried emotions in me that I’ve tried to repress over many years.

‘Thanks for having us.’ I finally find my manners.

Lily doesn’t utter a word, instead blatantly ignoring his presence by turning her face. Rome doesn’t try, either. After a thick bout of silence, I see his face fall, like he’s finally getting the message loud and clear that none of us want to acknowledge him, let alone speak to him.

I thought I made that abundantly clear yesterday.

‘Well…enjoy.’ He scurries off. If he could have sprinted and not drawn attention to himself, he would have.

Lily’s hand squeezes mine. ‘You alright, babe?’ she asks.

‘Yeah. Glad that’s over.’ I lie down next to her. ‘Let’s just enjoy as much as we can,’ I suggest, trying to salvage the afternoon.

‘I think more drinks are in order then.’ Rome hops up. ‘More vodka, lime and sodas?’

Our enthusiastic nods send him on his way.

When he returns, the mood picks up. I laugh and gossip with friends and talk with other people who approach our little group. It’s lighthearted, and my spirits are up. Music and chatter float through the backyard, and the novelty of my fame wears off. I flit from group to group of familiar faces and catch up on the last six years. The only group I vehemently avoid is the guys by the pool, including my ex.

I’ve eaten more than my weight in coleslaw, barbecue and pav, and I’m jovial and content. I adore seeing my dad and Uncle Jacob together. What happened between Lincoln and I could have broken them, but it didn’t. For that, I am thankful. Rome has been my guard dog all afternoon and Lily has been glued to my side.

My bladder protests. If I don’t find a bathroom soon, I just might die. Okay, that’s a little dramatic, but I’m squeezing every muscle I have down there as I wait in the world’s longest line. When I start jiggling on the spot, I know it’s a mistake.

‘Amity, what in the world? Go upstairs, you fool, and use that bathroom,’ Uncle Jacob chuckles as he fetches another garbage bag. Upstairs is usually off-limits, but he makes an exception for those closest to him.

‘You’re the best.’ I bolt up the stairs two at a time. My shoes are slowing me down, so I kick them off mid-way.

I could find my way through this house even if I was blindfolded, so I know it’s two doors to the left.

After finishing my business, I look in the mirror to see how much damage the sun has caused me. My cheeks are a little rosier, but that could just be alcohol tinging them. I have never been more glad to have my hair off my face and neck. After surveying that I still look semi-fresh, I waltz out of the bathroom, colliding with a wall of muscle.

Lincoln.

He’s trapping me in the hallway with no other way to escape. I move to manoeuvre around him, but he blocks my path.

‘Amity, wait.’ His hand instinctively touches my hip, causing me to jolt back as if it’s an iron rod that’s just brandished me. I stare at my ex-soulmate. There’s no crowd, no sunglasses, nothing shrouding us. His honeycomb eyes seem to sparkle with flecks of gold under the bright lights. He intently traipses every angle of my face before his eyes casually and lazily rake over my body, as if he’s scanning me into his brain. When his eyes return to mine, I know that look very well. Hunger.

‘Excuse me.’ I’m curtly abrupt, but I need to shield myself from his penetrating stare.

‘Can we talk?’ He steps forward like a lion would to its prey.

‘I don’t think so.’ I attempt to step around him again, but my efforts are futile, so I turn my back to him.

‘Please, Hart.’ Oh, he did not just fucking call me that. ‘I need to explain…there’s so much that I need to say to you. That I want to say to you.’

‘No.’ I grit my teeth so hard, I’m sure I’m grinding them to a paste.

He sighs at my reaction, dejected at my demeanour. ‘I need to apologise.’ It’s an urgent plea.

My body stiffens the closer he gets. I know he’s close, because I can feel his breath fanning the back of my neck.

‘Fucking us up. Fucking you over. Fucking up the best thing that’s ever happened to me is the single biggest regret of my life. I’m not just a cunt for what I did…for how I destroyed you, but I’m a coward for not fighting harder for you. For letting my immaturity, my hormones and bad influences get in the way. I was blinded by everything I shouldn’t have been.’

It physically aches to hear these words coming out of his mouth. It incapacitates me to the point of wanting to bathe myself in acid just to feel something worse than how he’s making me feel.

My heart is pulverised on the ground.

‘If I could turn back time and do everything right by you—by us—I would.’

Whirling around, fury tightens my features as I fix him with a murderous glare. ‘No. Stop. You don’t get to fucking do this to me. I told you to respect my space and leave me the fuck alone. I’ve been just fine without you for seven years. I don’t need you anymore.’ Placing my hands on my hips is the only thing that stops me from decking him.

How fucking dare he do this to me!

‘I know. I’m sorry, Amity.’ His face crumples as he scrambles away to his room—a room that holds so many precious memories between us.

Shaking with anger, I need a minute to not crumple at the intensity of our short but heated exchange. I clutch the staircase and take a breath before storming down the stairs. I give a tight smile to those in my path and make my way to Lily and Rome, who can already sense something is off as I reach them. I gulp what’s left of my vodka, lime and soda, and down Rome’s as well.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asks, massaging my back.

I shake my head. ‘Nothing.’

Lily cocks her brow at me.

‘I’ll tell you both later,’ I amend. There’s no reason for me to bring the mood of the party down.

Fucking Lincoln.