Chapter 38 The Catalyst
Lincoln
‘So, what’s going on with Crys?’ Dad asks Uncle Mark, but it’s more like a flat out interrogation. Amity’s mum has been here for a couple of months now, with no plans to leave. When she’s visited over the years, she just stayed at Uncle Mark’s, so it made sense for her to do the same this time. The only difference is that this time, Amity doesn’t live there.
Hart’s asked me several times over the past few weeks to give her the gossip on her parents, but the truth is, I don’t have any.
Today is Christmas and she’s finally back where she belongs. With me.
I haven’t seen her since the opening of my first home, which doesn’t seem like a long time, but I swear, the clocks slowed down or stopped over the last month. I had seventy-two transcendent hours with Amity, but like always ,it was short lived with her having to travel back to the states.
She had landed a converted interview with the cast of her all-time favourite show, Grey’s Anatomy, which naturally meant that for the last twenty-four hours we were together, we watched all her favourite episodes. I’d rarely seen her flip out over the myriad of celebrities she’s interviewed in the past, but she was frantic as she prepared her questions. Watching the drama unfold between Meredith and Derek Shepherd was nauseating, but I didn’t dare tell her that, fearing that if I insulted one of her favourite TV love-interests, she’d never have sex with me again. Back when we were in high school, I remember tuning out every Tuesday night when she’d watch an episode with her mum over Skype. It was their thing. Most of the time, Uncle Mark and I got roped into watching it too. If they were at mine for dinner, Dad was also conned into watching it. One of the most memorable episodes for all the wrong reasons is where a sexual assault victim bit her attacker’s penis off. I swear all three of our balls shrivelled up at the thought.
‘Do you love her?’ Dad continues to press an uncomfortable Uncle Mark, who is not only acting shifty, but he’s warily staring around the room at who is listening.
The guys are outside, which includes both dads, Rome and myself. Jas refused to invite her new boyfriend around, scared at the bullying tactics that were bound to be thrown his way from the four of us. One of the best things to come from semi reconciling with Amity is getting closer to Rome again. We’ve hung out a few times, and it’s a blast to hear all about his trip with Jagger, but it just solidified that those days are well and truly over for me, and I couldn’t be happier. No amount of pussy could ever be as good as Amity’s.
While we’re outside barbecuing, the girls are inside, preparing the sides. Amity and Crystal are shelling prawns, while Jas, Lily and Ella, who is here for some reason at the request of Amity, are making salads. I don’t want to make a habit of hanging out with colleagues outside of work, but Amity has taken a huge shining to her, so I guess she’s steadily becoming a firm fixture of our inner circle.
‘Linc, what’s up with you and my daughter, son?’ Uncle Mark whistles and sidesteps Dad’s inquisition.
The truth to that answer is so much more complicated than it should be. I love her, and I want to be with her. When we’re together, whether it be in person or over the phone, I feel connected to her in every way, but the fact is, I still don’t know her feelings.
It hasn’t escaped me that she doesn’t say ‘I love you’ back to me, and she always skirts around the issue of what our titles are. It’s the lamest of lame, but I want to go Facebook official with her, which I know is the most pissant, pussy thing to say, but I want the world to know she’s mine. In the media, I’ve been reduced to an ‘old friend’, which irritates the fuck out of me.
We’ve made such strides, but I need more. It’s time for more.
‘I want her more than anything in the world, but the ball is in her court,’ I say, which is the complete truth. All three sets of eyes stare back at me to elaborate. ‘I tell her daily how much I love her and want to take the next step, but she evades the topic.’ I shrug, hoping like hell they just let it go.
‘Give her time, son,’ Dad pats my back while he turns the steaks.
‘She’s come so far. This is huge for her. I’m glad you’re not…rushing her,’ Uncle Mark says cautiously, before he sips his beer.
‘Don’t give up, man,’ Rome tosses my way, with a sympathetic smile. One rule we established pretty early on when we rekindled our friendship was that we wouldn’t talk about Amity behind her back, or the state of our relationship. It’s abundantly clear that he is still Team Amity.
As I rake over the last few months and how much we’ve grown together, I can’t help but be baffled at why she’s holding back.
When the food is just about ready, Amity saunters out letting us know the girls are ready too.
‘Two minutes, tops,’ she tells us, which is code for hurry the fuck up with the last of the rissoles. ‘Hey.’ She leans up to peck me on the lips. I take it as a good sign she’s so openly affectionate in front of everyone. My dick unfortunately twitches at the taste of her mouth, and she’s not helping the situation with what she’s wearing—daisy dukes and a triangle white bikini top that exposes her fabulous chest. Before we started cooking we all took a dip in the pool. As usual, Christmas Day is disgustingly hot.
The last time we were all together for Christmas was the year before she was torn away from my life. Back then it was just the five of us. We were already hot and heavy by then, but we had to try and hide our horniness from both our dads. I remember cheekily fingering her under the table for a minute or so, which, come to think of it, was grossly inappropriate considering our dads were right there, not to mention my baby sister. I can tell Amity is thinking something similar as she stares at my spaced out face and shakes her head.
Something I am still working on is how to adjust to Amity’s eating habits. There is nothing wrong with being healthy, but it is a stark contrast to how we used to eat. I felt worse when I started analysing what is on her plate and what she is putting in her mouth. I don’t want her to see my concern because then she’d misconstrue it as me checking up on her and drawing attention to her issues.
Still, three prawns, one rissole and a few pieces of ham and a couple of scoops of Greek Salad aren’t a lot. I am about to say something quietly to her but then I saw her pack her plate with fruit. In my mind, I know she probably has to maintain her weight for her work, but I can’t help to think she’s overly cautious. It’s still something I need to open up to her about because I don’t know if I’m supporting her the right way. Luckily, she redirects my attention when she asks me to crack open the Christmas cracker with her. Of course, she wins, and proceeds to pop the paper crown on her head and read out a lame dad joke, which cracks her up. There’s also an over-the-top plastic love heart ring inside that she pops on her ring finger.
We all exchange our Kris Kringle gifts, but it seems like Amity forgot the $100 spending limit, much to the delight of her KK, which was Ella, who scored herself a new Yves Saint Laurent clutch. I think even the neighbours heard her squeal and bowl Amity over. I’m sure Amity bought Lily and Jas one too behind our backs because there is no way either one of those girls just accept Ella bagged herself a $3,000 bag, while they got Mecca gift cards.
After lunch and presents everyone goes off in their own direction. I volunteer to wash up, roping Rome into helping. Uncle Mark and Dad are watching the cricket, while Ella and Lily are helping Jas get ready to go out with her friends later. Once Rome and I finish drying the dishes, he heads to the living room with a couple more beers, and I go in search of Amity. We haven’t had much one-on-one time this trip, with her catching up with her parents most of the time.
As I round the corner my steps falter as I hear Amity’s soft voice float from our second living area. Pausing, I wonder if I should interrupt. She’s with her Mum, and I know how precious this time is with her.
‘So what’s up with you and Dad?’ Amity asks, toying with the shaggy pillow that sits in her lap. Her Mum furrows her brow as if she’s still trying to figure it out herself. Side-by-side they look more like sisters.
‘I honestly have no idea,’ Crystal throws her hands up in the air in exasperation. ‘I mean, I’ve always loved your Dad, and it’s so easy with him. We click, you know? I’ve definitely put the signs out there, but he isn’t picking up what I’m putting down.’
‘Well, what’s it like living with him?’ Amity reserves her opinion until she’s gathered more facts.
‘It’s wonderful. We’re so relaxed. It’s like we were back when we were dating. I’ve known him almost my whole life. We’ve never once argued or had a fight. We were always in the same place and had the same feelings. I feel really content being here.’
‘What made you want to come back?’ Amity holds her Mum’s hand in hers.
‘I wanted to make sure he was okay, but I really missed my best friend. It has been twenty-five years of travelling and…I guess I don’t want that life anymore. I want to settle down with someone I love. I want to grow old with someone. Heck, I even maybe want to have another child.’
Amity seems like she contemplates her Mum’s answer for a moment, before giving her advice.
‘I think you need to be really honest with Dad, Mum. I mean, he’s switched on but when it comes to women, he probably has no idea. I can’t remember a single time he’s ever dated. If he wasn’t building the business, he was solely dedicated to me. Just be honest and go from there.’
Crystal nods, taking a sip of her iced water. ‘What about you? What’s happening with everything?’
Amity smirks at her mum’s not so inconspicuous line of questioning. ‘Is this your lame way of prying into where Lincoln and I stand?’
‘I just want to know you’re happy.’ Her tone goes from playful innocence to intrusive and offensive in a matter of seconds. ‘I could have sworn you and Jagger had something, but now you’re hooking up with Lincoln again. You know, the guy who destroyed you?’
Amity sucks in a breath as she tears her hands away from her Mum’s. ‘Firstly, Jagger and I are the best of friends. He scratched an itch when I needed,’ she shrugs. Nauseating bile rises in my throat at the thought of their past. Don’t get me wrong, Jagger is a cool guy, but it doesn’t make my skin crawl any less knowing he’s been inside my girl.
‘And Lincoln?’
‘It’s complicated,’ she mutters, throwing the pillow.
‘Is it serious?’
‘Not really…not right now…we’re-we’re going slow,’ she stammers out.
My heart sinks like a lead balloon at her stilted and disappointing confession. My breaths are laboured because that is the complete opposite of what I thought we were. ‘I mean, I’m only seeing him, but I still don’t know where we’ll end up. We live apart. I still have some trust issues to get through, and ever since he found out about my issues, it’s like he’s suffocatingly protective. It’s sweet, but it’s also annoying. Even today he kept looking at what I ate, which made me feel so self conscious and like he thought I’d break at any second. I don’t want to feel weak around him, but he makes me feel like that sometimes, and it’s a lot.’
My shoulders sink and I have to physically hold the wall so I don’t collapse. Here I thought we had been making great progress, and here she is still hiding her true feelings from me. My nose starts to tickle as I think about all the effort I’ve been putting in to show her I love her and would never hurt her again. I only want what’s best for her, and me caring for her is because I just want her to be happy and healthy.
Stumbling away from the private conversation I probably never should have eavesdropped is difficult. I know I need to calm down before facing anyone. I also know I promised we’d take things slow, but I definitely thought we were at least close to taking a serious step in our relationship.
I am confused, disappointed, angry and I feel helpless. There are so many emotions bubbling inside, I am sure to explode if I stay here any longer.
Storming into the living room where the rest of the guys are, I try to keep myself in check. ‘Dad, I got to go,’ I say a little more harshly, causing all heads to whip around at my outburst.
Uncle Mark has a concerned look on his face, but I just shake my head to let him know I’m fine. Rome has questions, but again they shouldn’t be directed at me but rather his best friend, Amity, who apparently isn’t as serious about me as I am her. Dad jumps off the couch and leads me away from everyone.
I feel my shoulders tense under his touch, and I know he does too because he squeezes my neck. ‘Talk.’
I stuff my hands in my board shorts. ‘She doesn’t think we’re serious. Apparently, we’re going really slow, and that she doesn’t know where we’ll end up. And, oh, yeah.’ I snap my fingers. ‘I’m suffocating and she doesn’t trust me.’
Dad blinks as his shoulders deflate and he shakes his head. Pulling me into a hug makes the situation worse, because now he’s pitying me.
‘Are you sure that’s what you heard?’
‘Among other things,’ I grunt.
‘Do you want to speak to her? Maybe you’re taking it out of context?’ He tries to reason but it’s no use. I know what I heard.
‘I think I need to think about some things. I don’t want to stay in this perpetual limbo forever. I just can’t be here right now.’ Dads nods in understanding.
As I turn, Amity bounces out, her arms linked with her mum. Seems like their little conversation is over.
‘Hey!’ She smiles at me as if she hasn’t just shattered my heart. When I don’t respond, her eyes go from bright to stormy as if she realises something is wrong. ‘What’s up?’ I can hear the nerves in her voice as shuffles on her bare feet.
‘Where do we stand?’ I ask bluntly, crossing my arms. I hear Dad mutter a ‘Jesus’ and sigh beside me. Crystal’s eyes go wide as if she can’t believe I’m putting her daughter on the spot. Uncle Mark has joined his daughter on the other side, his face stoic. From the looks of it, it looks like we’re having a standoff. I can tell our parents don’t want to get involved and are biting their tongues, but they also feel protective over us.
Amity sucks in a breath at my abrasiveness. ‘What?’
‘Where do we stand? You and me?’ I reiterate and annunciate it slower. ‘Our relationship or where we’re headed?’
She baulks at my questioning, glancing around to see every one of our friends and family in the room. No one is saying a word, leaving it up to us to figure out.
‘Linc…’ she starts, but I don’t let her finish. I’ve paid for my sins. I’ve laid my heart out for her. I’ve made huge changes in my life and promised her every part of me. I’ve given her my all. At what point do I actually get a say in our future? Why does she get to decide it all?
‘I heard you and your mum. Just then,’ I interject. At least Crystal has the gall to look a little sheepish. Amity opens and closes her mouth but nothing comes out. ‘Let me recap what I heard.’ I start ticking things off my fingers, listing each one of the hurt-stabbing confessions. ‘We’re not serious. We’re going slow. But we’re monogamous so I guess that’s a tick in our favour. You have no idea if we’ll even end up together. You still don’t trust me. My protectiveness is annoying and suffocating. And last but not least, you think I make you weak. God Amity, what do I have to do to prove to you that you’re the love of my life? That my stupid juvenile mistakes don’t make me who I am? That I’ve changed and have promised you pretty much the world?’ I take a short breath as I spew everything I’ve been wanting to say. ‘I visited you in LA. You came here. We text and talk all day long. We spend every minute together that we can. Why isn’t it enough? Why aren’t I enough?’ My voice cracks.
‘That was a private conversation,’ she stumbles, partially embarrassed and partially pissed off. Uncle Mark shakes his head, but not at me this time, at his own daughter. It doesn’t matter that it was private. She still said it. She wasn’t honest with me.
My mouth is turned down. ‘Amity, I love you so much. I don’t want to be casual. I’ve never wanted to be casual. I only agreed because that’s what you wanted. I can’t erase my past. I don’t know how to get you to trust me or want me, like I want you. I don’t know how I get you to see that I want us forever.’ Tears glisten in her eyes as I profess my love to our entire family. ‘I don’t know what you want. I don’t know what more I can do.’
Dad cups my shoulder in solidarity.
‘I don’t know,’ Amity cries. ‘I’m scared.’ It’s a bullshit cop out excuse, and somehow it makes me angrier.
‘I-I…can’t do this right now.’ I’ve lost the plot. I’m well aware.
‘Please don’t go,’ she pleads, her mum holding her up for support.
‘I can’t, Hart. You’re breaking mine. I can’t be here,’ I croak. ‘I need a moment. Me leaving doesn’t mean I don’t love you with everything inside my body, but I can’t be here, right now.’
Her sobs get louder.
I wave my hand in everyone’s direction and bolt out of the house. I don’t even have shoes on, but I’ve got my car keys and that’s enough.
As I tear away from Dad’s driveway, I feel crushed but also relieved. There’s no hiding from our inevitable conversation anymore.