Poltergeists & Change of Life (Mystical Midlife in Maine #15)

Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

I f I thought the entrance to the Clockwork Catacombs was impressive, it had nothing on the inside. Imagine the lovechild of a Swiss watch factory and Indiana Jones' worst nightmare, and you might come close to picturing what we were dealing with. The walls were lined with gears of all sizes. Some were as small as my pinky nail, and others were larger than my entire pregnant body. They whirred and clicked in a symphony of potential death. I couldn't shake the feeling that one wrong move would turn us all into very magical pancakes.

"Well," I said, eyeing a particularly nasty-looking contraption that seemed designed to slice, dice, and julienne unwary intruders, "I guess this is what happens when you let a sadistic watchmaker design your security system. Anyone else feeling like we just stepped into the world's most lethal cuckoo clock?"

Aidon's hand tightened on mine. His divine strength was a comforting anchor in this mechanical madhouse. "Stay close," he murmured as he scanned the room for potential threats. "And try not to touch anything. Who knows what might trigger these traps."

I snorted, a sound that was half amusement, half nerves. "Honey, I'm carrying triplets. My center of gravity is somewhere in the next zip code. Touching things is the least of our worries. I'm more concerned about accidentally setting off Armageddon because I sneezed at the wrong gear."

As if to prove my point, I wobbled slightly, and my elbow brushed against what looked like an innocent gear on the wall. Immediately, the floor beneath us started to shift. Tiles slid away to reveal a pit that I was pretty sure wasn't filled with fluffy pillows and kittens. Peeking over the edge made me break out in a cold sweat. There were very sharp, unfriendly-looking spikes.

"Phoebe!" Stella yelped, grabbing my arm and yanking me back just as the tile I was standing on disappeared. Her quick reflexes saved me from an impromptu acupuncture session I definitely hadn't signed up for.

"Thanks," I gasped. My heart pounded like it was trying to win a drum solo competition. "I guess the 'look but don't touch' rule applies to pregnant ladies too. Noted. No more unintentional redecorating of ancient death traps."

Melino? suddenly perked up. She’d been unusually quiet, (a state that always made me nervous) until that point. Now, her eyes gleamed with a manic light that spelled trouble with a capital T. "Ooh, this looks fun," she said, eyeing the pit with disturbing glee. "Anyone up for a game of the floor is lava? Winner gets to keep their limbs!"

She was as happy as a vampire at a blood bank, or a goth teenager let loose in Hot Topic with an unlimited credit card. It made me wonder what kind of twisted Underworld Disneyland she and Aidon grew up in. I mean, most kids had swing sets and sandboxes. These two probably had torture racks and pools of souls to splash around in. Their idea of hide-and-seek likely involved actual demons and spirits. I bet their temper tantrums could raise the dead. Literally.

"How about we don't?" I suggested, rubbing my belly soothingly as the triplets kicked up a storm. They seemed as unsettled by our surroundings as I was. Or maybe they were just expressing their disapproval of Aunt Melino?'s idea of fun. Smart kids. "I'd like to keep all my body parts, thank you very much. I'm kind of attached to them. Literally."

Nana’s eyes twinkled with mischief as she gestured to the pit. "Oh, come on, where's your sense of adventure? When I was knee-high to a grasshopper, we used to sneak into old McGillicuddy's haunted barn just for kicks. Now, that was a real death trap. It came complete with rusty nails, angry ghosts, and a perpetually pissed-off cow."

I rolled my eyes so hard I was worried they might get stuck. "Nana, your imagination is working overtime today. Next thing you'll be telling us, you've been secretly training with Merlin on weekends."

Nana's eyes twinkled with mischief. "Oh honey, Merlin wishes he could keep up with me. I may be new to this magic gig, but I'm making up for lost time. Why, just last week, I turned Mrs. Henderson's prize-winning petunias into a conga line of carnivorous plants. They've got quite the appetite for garden gnomes now."

I blinked, trying to process this information. "Nana, please tell me you're joking. We can't be the ones to let magic slip to the mundies. We’re supposed to be the examples of how to live a law-abiding magical life."

"Details, details." Nana waved her hand dismissively. "The point is, I may have only had magic for a year, but I'm squeezing every drop of fun out of it. You could learn a thing or two about seizing the day. Or in our case, seizing the magic and making it dance to our tune."

I shook my head as a reluctant smile tugged at my lips. We inched our way forward. Being the size of a small house made navigating through a maze of shifting gears and swinging blades challenging. I hadn't caught my breath when we entered a corridor that kept trying to turn itself inside out. It was like being in a fun house designed by a committee of evil geniuses with too much time on their hands and a serious grudge against the laws of physics.

"You know," I panted after I narrowly avoided being sliced in half by a blade that appeared out of literally nowhere. "I'm starting to think these catacombs have a personal vendetta against us. Or maybe just against common sense and basic safety regulations." The amount of skulls in the place made a hoarder look like a minor collector. Honestly, I became immune to the sight of bones within seconds.

Stella paused in using her magic to try and predict the patterns of the traps to shoot me a grin. "Look on the bright side, Pheebs. At least you're getting one hell of a workout. Dodging magical death traps gets your blood flowing faster than running a marathon."

"Right," I drawled, "because 'Extreme Pregnancy Parkour' is totally going to be the next big fitness craze. I can see the infomercials now."

“The way you move that big belly, you’d make a mint,” Nana agreed.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder (a dangerous assumption in my life), we entered a vast circular chamber. The chaos of the previous rooms gave way to an eerie stillness that was almost more unnerving. The walls were lined with ancient texts whose spines glowed faintly in the dim light.

"Jackpot," Stella breathed. Her eyes were wide with excitement as she approached the shelves cautiously. Her hands hovered over the books like a kid eyeing the biggest present under the Christmas tree. "These texts are incredible. They contain knowledge that's been lost for millennia."

"That's great," I said and waddled over to join her. The babies chose that moment to do what felt like a routine from Swan Lake. It made me pause to catch my breath. "But unless one of those books is titled 'How to Stop an Evil Witch and Save the World While Heavily Pregnant’, we might want to keep moving."

Aidon suddenly went rigid. Even across the chamber, I could see his body was coiled tighter than a spring in a Monster energy drink can. His eyes darted around the chamber. "We're not alone." The low and urgent tone of his voice made my heart do a gymnastics routine worthy of the Olympics. "Something's coming."

Chimeras slunk from the darkness. These weren’t the classic lion-goat-snake version. They were something worse. These had the sleek bodies of panthers, scaled wings tight against their sides, and three serpentine heads that moved independently, tasting the air with forked tongues.

"Intruders," the lead shadow hissed, its voice sending chills down my spine. "You dare to trespass in the sacred catacombs?"

I snorted and flung my right arm out. "Sacred? Please. Your idea of 'sacred' involves more death traps than an Indiana Jones movie marathon. What's next, a pit of snakes? Or maybe a giant boulder chase scene?"

The shadow beings didn't seem to appreciate my cinematic references. They lunged forward angrily. Aidon's glowing sword materialized in his hand. Its divine light was unique to him. Melino?'s darkness swirled around her like a cloak. Stella's hands crackled with magical energy. Even Nana looked ready for a fight. Unsurprisingly, her eyes gleamed with a mixture of excitement and mischief that made me seriously reconsider my definition of ‘little old lady’. She cast spells so fast it made my head spin like a top.

I had to get it together and help them fight. When I managed to pull up my magic, I went from zero to hero in an instant. I began doing my best impression of a magical ballistic missile. I channeled every spell and burst of power at the shadow beings. At one point, the babies joined the fun. Their power wasn’t offensive, but it boosted mine and the creatures went flying like particularly evil bowling pins.

"You know," I shouted over the din of battle as I blasted a shadow being that got too close, "when I pictured my babymoon, this wasn't quite what I had in mind! I was thinking more 'spa day' and less 'magical cage match'!"

The fight erupted like a magical pinata filled with chaos and property damage. Aidon and Melino? unleashed their divine mojo, looking like the world's most terrifying rave light show. Stella meanwhile, was flinging spells faster than an auctioneer on speed.

Not to be outdone, Nana was wielding her walking stick like a geriatric Jedi. She cackled with glee as she whacked shadow-butts left and right. "Take that, you overgrown dust bunnies!" she crowed as she executed a move that would make Jackie Chan jealous.

Pregnancy hormones and magical outbursts don't mix. One minute, I was waddling for cover. The next, I was accidentally turning shadow beings into confetti with sneezes that packed more punch than Thor's hammer.

The whole shebang was over quicker than you could say, ‘magical beatdown’. Those shadow creeps didn't stand a snowball's chance in a microwave against our ragtag crew. They fell like dominoes, some dissolving back into formless shadows while others were trapped in magical bindings.

I leaned against a nearby pillar when the last one fell, suddenly exhausted. The adrenaline rush faded. It left behind a bone-deep weariness and an intense craving for pickles and ice cream. "Well," I panted, "that was fun. Can we go home now? I could really use a nap and about a gallon of ice cream. Possibly at the same time."

Aidon was at my side in an instant. He scanned me for injuries with an intensity that would have put an MRI machine to shame. "Are you alright? The babies?"

I nodded, managing a weak smile as I felt the reassuring movements within. "We're fine. Though I think the triplets just got their first lesson in magical self-defense. They're practically doing victory laps in there. I wouldn't be surprised if they come out knowing how to throw fireballs."

Stella laughed at that. When I looked over, she had her arms full of ancient texts. She was better than most pickpockets to have grabbed that many during the chaos. "We need to get out of here," she said urgently, her eyes darting to the entrance. "There might be more of them coming. And I don't know about you, but I've had my fill of shadow puppets gone wrong for one day."

As if on cue, we heard shouts echoing from the corridor we'd come through. The sounds of heavy footsteps and clanking weapons grew louder. Ah, the promise of round two of our little magical showdown. Stella wasn’t getting out of there with those books.

Melino? grinned, a predatory gleam in her eye that promised trouble for anyone foolish enough to cross her path. "Sounds like reinforcements. Who's up for round two? I'm thinking we go for a high score this time."

"Hard pass," I groaned, pushing myself off the pillar with effort. My back ached, my feet were killing me, and I was pretty sure the triplets had started using my bladder as a trampoline again. "I vote we find the express exit. Preferably one that doesn't involve more death traps or homicidal clock parts. I've had enough 'time is trying to kill you' jokes for one lifetime."

Nana cackled, already moving towards a previously hidden passage that had opened up during the fight. It looked like our little magical brawl had triggered some kind of secret mechanism. "This way, kiddos," she called, waving us over with a gnarled hand. "Mama's got a feeling about this one. And my feelings are never wrong. Well, except for that time in sixty-eight, but we don't talk about that."