Chapter 16
CHAPTER 16
Y ou know how some people say pregnancy is a magical time, full of wonder and joy? Well, let me tell you, those people have clearly never had to totter through ancient catacombs while being chased by homicidal shadow beings. If this was what they meant, I'd like to request a refund, please. And maybe a foot massage. No. Definitely a foot massage.
The narrow corridors were designed by an agoraphobic madman with a fetish for gears and pulleys. Every few feet, a new death trap would spring to life. The universe decided that being pregnant with triplets wasn't enough of a challenge for me. No, we needed to add ‘impromptu contestant on Wipeout: Armageddon Edition’ to my ever-growing resume.
"You know," I started as I ducked under a swinging blade that came entirely too close to giving me a haircut I hadn’t asked for, "when I pictured my third trimester, I imagined more 'feet up and eating brookies' with less 'dodging certain death every five seconds’. Silly me. Clearly, I should have read 'What to Expect When You're Expecting the Apocalypse' instead."
Aidon snorted as he remained beside me. He deflected arrows and who knows what else with his glowing sword. He looked like a nauseating mishmash of a Greek god and a particularly lethal disco ball. "Just a little further, love," he encouraged. His tone made me think we were on a pleasant jog through the park and not running for our lives. If only that could take away the soul deep fear gripping me.
"Oh, is that all?" I shot back. "Just a little further through the magical murder maze? Well, why didn't you say so? I'll just pick up the pace, shall I? Maybe do a little jig while I'm at it? Perhaps a quick tap dance number? I hear that's excellent cardio for expectant mothers."
Stella laughed as she brought up the rear and fired off spells like a one-woman magical artillery unit. My heart made a good attempt to leap from my chest when I noted her hair was singed at the edges. There was a manic gleam in her eye that suggested she was having way too much fun with this. "Save the jig for when we're out of here, Pheebs. Though I'd pay good money to see that. Maybe we can schedule a performance for after the babies are born."
Before I could retort with a suitably witty comeback (pregnancy brain be damned, I still had a few good ones up my sleeve) we rounded a corner and found ourselves face-to-face with a dead end. Okay, not so much a dead end as an ornate locked door. The symbols carved into its surface pulsed with an ominous light. It figured that regular doors were too mainstream for ancient magical catacombs.
"Well," I said as I propped my hands on my hips and caught my breath, "unless anyone's hiding a magical skeleton key in their back pocket, I think we might be in trouble. Any chance one of you took 'Lockpicking 101’? The mystical edition, of course."
Stella stepped forward. Her face was scrunched up like she'd just licked a lemon-flavored lightning bolt. She had that look she gets when she's either about to come up with a brilliant solution or accidentally summon a demon made entirely of glitter. Or maybe both. "It's not a lock," she murmured. "It's a puzzle. We solve it, and we can get through."
I groaned louder than a zombie with indigestion. "A puzzle? Really? What is this, 'Escape Room: Pregnancy Edition’? I’d rather solve a Rubik's Cube and play a game of Twister."
Nana's eyes twinkled with more mischief than a raccoon in a dumpster. "Oh, hush your whining, Phoebe. This is more exciting than that time I sneezed during my baking spell and turned your mother's award-winning apple pies into sentient dust bunnies. Took weeks to vacuum all the little devils out of the house."
Stella put the books down as she translated. Her lips moved faster than a hummingbird's wings after an espresso binge. "Okay, we've got a series of symbols here. Fire, water, earth, air... and is that... a taco?"
"Ooh, don't tease me with tacos right now," I grumbled. My stomach growled in agreement.
Nana squinted at the symbols, then snapped her fingers. "I've got it! We need to press these doohickeys in a particular order. It's like one of those Simon Says games. Instead of colors, we've got elements. And lunch, apparently."
A snort escaped me. "I’d rather play ‘Simon Says: the Armageddon edition’ than continue running. Any idea what the correct sequence is? Or are we gonna poke at it and hope we don't blow ourselves into next week?"
Stella's eyes lit up like she'd just discovered a sale at the local department store. Yeah, she was a clothes whore like Tseki. "Wait. Look at the wear patterns on the symbols. Some are more faded than others. We just need to figure out the order."
We all leaned in, squinting at the ancient puzzle like it was a particularly tricky Where's Waldo page. After a few minutes of debate that involved more hand-waving than an Italian family reunion, we agreed on a sequence. "Alright," I said, cracking my knuckles. "Let's do this. If we end up in another dimension, I'm blaming you all. Especially if it's one without indoor plumbing."
With all the gravity of a bomb disposal expert or a pregnant woman reaching for the last slice of pizza, I started pressing the symbols. Fire, air, earth, and water, in that order. I rounded it out with, yes, the mysterious taco symbol. For a moment, nothing happened. Then the wall started to rumble and shake like it was auditioning for a part in ‘San Andreas 2: This Time It's Prehistoric"’
"Um, guys?" I squeaked, backing away as fast as my body would allow. "I don't suppose anyone brought a magical 'Undo' button, did they?"
Before anyone could answer, the wall split open with a dramatic flair worthy of a Beyoncé concert entrance. Beyond the opening lay a chamber vast enough to make Costco feel claustrophobic. It was another room where the walls were lined with ancient texts and artifacts that practically screamed, ‘Touch me and unleash unspeakable horrors upon the world’!
I smirked as we stepped inside. "And they say pregnancy brain is a disadvantage. Ha! Take that, assholes." The wall slammed shut behind us with all the subtlety of a drama queen exiting stage left. It was like the catacombs were auditioning for a role in ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Overcompensation.’
We'd just walked into the world's most dangerous library, where checking out a book might result in accidentally summoning a Titan god or turning yourself into a newt. No big deal in the grand scheme of things, right? My attention was snagged by what stood in the center of the room. On a pedestal, bathed in an otherworldly light that would have put any high-end nightclub to shame, sat what looked like a miniature model of the universe. Galaxies swirled, stars pulsed, and at the very center, a heart-shaped object beat with a sinister rhythm.
"The original Heart of the Abyss," Aidon breathed. His voice was filled with awe and dread in equal measure.
Stella was already poring over the texts surrounding the model. She looked like a kid in a candy store. If it sold potentially world-ending artifacts and forbidden knowledge. "This is incredible," she exclaimed. "There’s a guide here. It shows how one makes the Heart and connects it to different realms, and more importantly..."
"How to destroy it?" I finished, hopefully. We already knew Lyra had modified the spell to bind Hattie’s spirit. We needed to undo that before it was too late. "Please tell me it comes with an instruction manual. 'How to Dismantle Cosmic Horrors for Dummies’, perhaps?"
She snort-laughed as she traced lines of ancient text with the kind of focus usually reserved for brain surgery or trying to follow the plot of a Christopher Nolan movie. "According to this, the Heart can only be unmade at the nexus point of all realms.”
Melino? held up a hand. “Before you ask, it’s a place where the barriers between worlds are at their thinnest."
"And let me guess,” I began, “this nexus point is in some hellish, hard-to-reach place guarded by demons and probably a Tainted witch or two for good measure? They should throw in some lava pits and a Starbucks with baristas who always spell your name wrong, no matter how simple it is."
I rubbed my swollen belly, feeling the triplets doing what felt like a mosh pit of magical sumo wrestlers inside. It was like they were competing in the Otherworldly Olympics, and my uterus was the unfortunate venue. "I can see it now. 'Welcome to the Nexus Point of Doom! Please enjoy our complimentary Wi-Fi and try not to die horribly. Don't forget to visit our gift shop’. You can buy a t-shirt that says, 'I saved the universe and all I got was this lousy shirt... and some PTSD’."
Stella rolled her eyes and pursed her lips. "Always with the dramatics, Phoebe. It's not that bad. It's in a place called the Void Between Worlds. And getting there... well, let's just say it's not a trip you book through your local travel agent. We need someone who specializes in potentially fatal excursions to realms beyond mortal comprehension."
"Oh really?" I arched an eyebrow. "Name one time we've gone on a magical quest that didn't end with us running for our lives or facing some catastrophic world-ending event."
She opened her mouth, paused, then closed it again. "Okay, fair point. But look on the bright side. At least this time, you're already pregnant, so we don't have to worry about any surprise magical baby bombshells mid-quest."
"Small mercies," I grumbled, wondering for the umpteenth time how this had become my life.
Stella was about to dive deeper into the ancient text's cryptic instructions. But the chamber shook with the force of an explosion that would have made Michael Bay green with envy. Dust and debris rained down from the ceiling like the world's least appetizing confetti.
"Looks like our shadow friends got tired of knocking politely," I quipped, trying to hide my panic behind sarcasm. "How inconsiderate of them to interrupt our light bedtime reading."
Aidon's sword materialized in his hand with a flash of light that screamed 'epic hero moment’. "Time to go," he said, his voice tense. "Stella, we need that information. Any way to take it with us?"
Stella's eyes darted around frantically before landing on her phone. "I'll photograph everything I can," she said, already snapping pics faster than a paparazzo at a celebrity wedding. "It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing."
As Stella played magical archaeologist with her smartphone, I made my way painfully slowly over to the original Heart. I was drawn by its pulsing rhythm. Up close, it was hypnotic, almost seductive. I could feel its power calling out. It was promising something. Knowledge, power, maybe a really good back rub. It was hard to tell.
Without thinking, I reached out to touch it. My self-preservation instincts had taken an impromptu vacation. In retrospect, it was not my brightest moment. It was right up there with ‘Sure, I can totally eat that entire extra-large pizza by myself’ and ‘How bad could morning sickness really be?’
The moment my fingers made contact, a jolt of energy surged through me. It made touching an electric fence feel like a gentle caress. Visions flashed before my eyes. I saw countless worlds and infinite possibilities. At the center of it all was the Heart. It was beating in time with the triplets inside me. It was beautiful and terrifying.
I yanked my hand back with a gasp right as another explosion rocked the chamber. "Okay," I panted, "note to self: no touching the dangerous artifacts. No matter how pretty and tempting they might be. This isn't a cosmic petting zoo, Phoebe."
Stella finished her impromptu photo shoot and rushed over. Her phone was clutched tight. "I got as much as I could," she said breathlessly. "Let's just hope my cloud storage doesn't choose now to have an existential crisis."
Aidon ushered us towards the exit, his sword at the ready. "Move, now! We'll decipher the cosmic selfies later."
We fled the chamber and dodged falling debris and the occasional shadow tendril. My mind raced the entire time. I couldn’t make sense of anything. Figuring out our next steps was next to impossible. Aidon was at my side in an instant, his face etched with concern. "Are you alright? What happened?"
I shook my head, trying to clear the lingering visions. It was like having the mother of all brain freezes. "I'm fine. Just got a front-row seat to the 'Cosmic Horror Greatest Hits' show. Zero out of ten, do not recommend. Though the special effects were pretty impressive. Eat your heart out, James Cameron."
Another explosion rocked the chamber. It was closer this time. Dust and debris rained down from the ceiling. Our time was rapidly running out. The shadow beings were clearly not in the mood for a peaceful negotiation. Or maybe they were just really enthusiastic about remodeling. Either way, it was time to make like a tree and get the hell out of there.
"Please tell me we have an exit strategy," I said as I eyed the shaking walls warily. "Because I don't fancy becoming a permanent exhibit in the world's most homicidal museum. 'Here we have the pregnant witch and her companions, forever preserved in their last moment of sheer panic and sarcasm.' It's not exactly the legacy I had in mind."
Melino? suddenly perked up like a goth kid who had discovered a new shade of black. "Exit strategy? Oh honey, I've got something better than that," she purred. There was a manic gleam in her eyes that made me seriously consider the benefits of adult diapers. "I've got an exit extravaganza."
Before any of us could ask what in the name of all that's unholy she meant by that, Melino? raised her arms dramatically. The air around her began to shimmer and darken. I swear reality itself was cowering in fear of what was about to happen. "Um, Mel?" I squeaked and backed away as fast as my feet could carry me. "Whatever you're about to do, maybe tone it down a notch? Remember, we're trying to escape, not redecorate the entire underworld."
She flashed me a grin that would have sent the Cheshire Cat running for therapy. "Darling, in my experience, there's no such thing as 'too much' when it comes to making an exit. Now everyone, hold onto your butts. This is gonna be one hell of a ride."
With a cackle that would have made witches worldwide slow-clap in appreciation, Melino? unleashed her power. It was like watching a supernova made of pure darkness. One that had decided to take up demolition as a hobby.
The walls of the catacombs didn't just crumble. They exploded outward in a spectacular display of supernatural demolition. Bones, ancient artifacts, and chunks of stone went flying in every direction like the world's most macabre confetti cannon had just gone off. I watched in horrified fascination as a skeleton did a perfect triple axel past my head. Its bony arms were spread wide as if to say, ‘Ta-da! I've waited centuries for this moment!’ Femurs and tibias whizzed by like petriified missiles. I'm pretty sure I saw a skull using a vertebrae as a makeshift skateboard.
"Holy mother of... Duck!" I yelled, pulling Stella down just as a particularly enthusiastic pelvic bone sailed over our heads.
As the dust settled, along with various bits of former catacomb residents, I realized we were standing in what used to be a quaint Prague street. Tourists and locals alike stared at us in slack-jawed amazement. They were probably trying to decide if this was some elaborate street performance or if they should start running and screaming.
I straightened up, brushing bone dust off my clothes and trying to look as nonchalant as one can when emerging from a magical explosion while heavily pregnant. "Well," I said, eyeing the massive hole we'd just made in the street, "I guess that's one way to avoid the tourist crowds."
Melino? looked entirely too pleased with herself. "See? Told you I had it covered. Nothing says 'exit' quite like remodeling with extreme prejudice."
Aidon pinched the bridge of his nose, looking like a man who'd just realized his family reunion was actually a circus. "Melino?, we talked about this. 'Subtle' doesn't mean 'blow up everything in sight'. You need to find some vamps to erase their memories." He gestured to our slack-jawed onlookers, who were busy trying to decide if they should run screaming or start taking selfies with the debris.
"Details, details," she waved him off with all the nonchalance of someone who'd just spilled a drink instead of remodeling half of Prague. "We're out, aren't we? Besides, think of it as my contribution to Prague's urban renewal project. They wanted to attract more tourists, right? Well, nothing draws a crowd quite like an impromptu archaeological excavation in the middle of the street. I'll meet you at the plane." She strode off into the night without another word, leaving chaos in her wake like some kind of goth Mary Poppins.
I laughed as sirens began to wail in the distance, and curious onlookers started to gather. It was either that or cry, and if I started bawling, I might not stop until the triplets graduated college. "Well, gang," I said, patting my belly as the triplets did what felt like a victory dance inside, "I think it's safe to say our little Prague adventure just got a lot more... explosive. Anyone up for going back to the café where we can pick up the rest of their pastries to take home? I'm not-"
"You guys go stock up while I wait for my sister," Aidon instructed, cutting off my pastry-fueled rambling. He didn't have to tell us twice.
At the mention of snacks, we took off like a rocket. It was amazing how the promise of sugar and carbs could suddenly make my swollen ankles and aching back feel like minor inconveniences. As we power-walked (or in my case, power-waddled) back towards the café, I couldn't help but grin.
We'd just blown-up half of ancient Prague and were probably on every supernatural watch list in Europe. We weren’t done yet, but we were going to do it with a bag full of the world's best pastries. Because when you're a pregnant witch on a mission, you learn to appreciate the little things. Like a strudel that could make you forget you just participated in magical vandalism on a grand scale. Just another day in the life, right? Bring on the next stage... right after I demolish a few more of those heavenly chocolate croissants.