4
I woke with the sun like normal and didn’t want to get up. Not just I was tired or I didn’t want to do something on my agenda.
No, I didn’t want to get up.
And like I wasn’t sure if I cared if I ever did again.
I didn’t care about any of it. I didn’t care about breakfast or what I was supposed to do. I didn’t care about the people who were waiting on me or if I worried people.
I just didn’t care.
I went to the bathroom and didn’t even want to look in the mirror or brush my teeth. I just wanted my bed.
So I went back to bed.
“Inez, you getting some more sleep?” Sisay asked from the door, probably my morning shift guard.
“No—I don’t know. Leave me alone,” I grumbled and pulled the covers over my head. I curled into a ball when he muttered to someone, probably to go find Kristof. I wasn’t upset that he wasn’t there. He had been all night and probably had something to take care of right as I was going to get up anyways.
Right as I had dozed back off, I felt him pull me against him. “What’s wrong, my love?”
“I’m tired. I just want to sleep,” I mumbled. “I’m not mad. You were with me all night. I just—can’t I just sleep?”
“Of course, but how about you eat first? Then you can rest again or—”
“I don’t want to eat,” I argued. “Just let me sleep.”
Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say because he got upset and kept pushing me what was going on or to talk to him. Others came and I heard people arguing and asking who did what.
And all I wanted to do was sigh and kick them out. I moved the pillow over my head and yelled at them when they got loud. It was pissing me off and making me feel crazy.
Until Jaxon showed up. He was my sweet and understanding Jaxon like when we’d first met. He helped me navigate this and got everyone to back off. I wanted my bed, but the private lounge couches were nice too. And people wouldn’t think to look for me there, so it was still a retreat.
So I snuggled up there after he even carried me and promised to cut out tongues if they hassled me. He put on SpongeBob SquarePants which he said was popular when I was a kid, so why not check it out so I didn’t feel left out?
I nodded, thinking that was perfect and I wouldn’t care if I fell asleep during it.
But then he took off his shoes and moved some pillows under his arm.
“You’re joining me?” I hedged.
“Is that not okay?” he worried. “I thought—sorry, I figured I could if I was keeping people from not hovering.” He cleared his throat. “I can go.”
“No,” I exclaimed too loudly before snuggling on my pile of pillows. “No, you can stay. We can watch the sponge together.”
“Okay, cool. Thanks.” He was quiet for several minutes. “I want donuts. Oooh and one of those coffee drinks Nick makes that’s more like dessert. The salted caramel one. No, that apple crisp that he said was a Starbucks flavor? It’s like apple pie and coffee.”
“I’ve not tried that one,” I hedged, thinking that sounded good when five minutes ago the idea of eating or drinking anything made my stomach rebel. “Yeah, okay.”
I knew what he was doing, but he wasn’t putting pressure on me which I appreciated. I really, really appreciated.
I only had the drink, but it had a ton of calories and sugar, so it was fine, more than most had for breakfast. I just didn’t feel like donuts even if I normally loved them.
“That was so much sweet,” Jaxon said about twenty minutes after our drinks were done. “I want salty.” He leaned over and kissed my hair. “Thanks, I needed this day off too.”
“Yeah, we really did,” I agreed. “What kind of salty?”
“It’s not breakfast, but I want like loaded fries. What if we did it with hashbrowns? Then it’s breakfast. Yeah, hashbrowns loaded with scrambled eggs, bacon, and cheese. That sounds amazing.”
“Maybe.” I shrugged. It didn’t sound bad, but I wasn’t like hungry.
Though I kinda wanted a cheeseburger after watching SpongeBob go on and on about a Krabby Patty. That was pretty funny.
It ended up smelling great, so I had a few bites. Cerdic sat down at my feet and finished it for me. He had a couple of donuts too and thanked me for breakfast before kissing my hair and heading out.
That was it. No drama, no pushing—just everyone fucking calm.
It was really nice.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered when Kristof sat down later. “I shouldn’t have blown up at you.”
“I’m sorry I did not handle it better,” he said quietly, picking up a donut and munching on it. “I get—nothing scares me more than losing you. I worry I will lose you to all of this madness. It makes me panic.”
“Me too.” I rubbed my feet against his leg which made him chuckle. I did feel bad because I’d really snapped at him.
He’d been focused on finding something that I wanted to do and it had just grated on me in my current mood.
No, I didn’t want to take a bath.
Nor go to my studio.
Or see the shifter kids at the outposts.
No, I didn’t want to go to the hot spring.
Or go hunting.
Nor fishing.
I just wanted to be left alone and do nothing. I didn’t want to do anything.
But I shouldn’t ever have yelled at him and called him names or—it wasn’t acceptable.
“I’m sad,” I admitted. “My mother and brother were psychos. She killed herself to scar me. I had to kill him and two other princesses. I think I just need a day or two to do nothing and… I don’t know. I just don’t want to do anything.”
“I’m sorry you’re suffering,” he rasped as he squeezed my feet. “We will get through this too. We will thrive soon. I believe it.” He let out a slow breath when I didn’t say anything. “And I agree with Jaxon. You should take days off. I know it’s the apocalypse and we’re all working hard, but you are not everyone. We also must have compassion with others.”
“Yeah, I’m not the only one who needs a day off,” I agreed.
“They get it,” Jaxon assured me. “Everyone gets breaks and a day to rest here and there. And their jobs—once they’re done, they’re done. You never stop.”
“We never do,” I corrected, thinking it was true about all of us. I hurried on when they both went to reply. “But I don’t want to talk about it. I’m tired. I’m just really fucking tired.”
“Sleep, My Princess,” Kristof said quietly, rubbing my feet again.
So I did. I zonked out and woke to Nick setting out some drink ideas he was thinking of. He was pushing us all to drink more juice or juice drinks to get the nutrients we’d all lacked for years. To the humans and outposts as well.
I agreed. We had the dehydrated fruit factory and we were getting things back online.
“This is so good,” I groaned after having a sip. It was a blueberry lemon juice spritzer. Some juices were just too heavy or acidic, but mixing with the sparkling water was delicious and the right balance.
“What are you in the mood for?” Jaxon asked like it was no big deal, but I knew they were worried about me not wanting to eat.
I snorted. “Apparently, I’m simple. I want cheeseburgers and fries after watching all of the Krabby Patty stuff.”
“Well, I have great timing,” Darius chuckled as he walked in with a box. “I had the same thought when I heard you were watching SpongeBob. Plus, I’m always up for burgers.”
I groaned when I saw he had a bunch, the good fries, and toppings we could pile on as we wanted. Yeah, that was perfect.
I ended up not even doing a bun, making more of a burger salad with my tomatoes and lettuce. I mean I put mayo and ketchup on it with grilled onions and mushrooms but whatever.
Bacon went on salads too.
It really hit the spot. So did dinner and all of the snacks in between. I did sleep a lot. I napped and went to bed early and it really, really did help.
“Thanks,” I told Jaxon the next morning at breakfast. “I do want to do that more often instead of always breaking down.”
He nodded. “I totally agree. I feel fantastic after having a bum day. I hadn’t realized how much I’d needed it. I don’t need all that much sleep, but just zoning out—I forgot how nice that could be. The rest for my brain it is.”
“Yes, I’ve enjoyed my nights with Inez for more than holding our wife,” Kristof agreed. “It was hard at first to turn off my brain and not be angry with myself that I wasn’t doing more. But I was taking care of myself, of Inez, and of our relationship. That is important and doing something. I was raised that movement was doing something, and that is not true.”
“So I’m a good influence on you. That’s what I’m hearing you say,” I teased when he seemed a bit lost in his mind.
“I would easily say that always,” Kristof said so firmly that my face flushed lava hot. “You have made me into a man I never dreamed I could be, and I am still growing. I wish to still be a better man for you.”
“Me too,” I whispered. It didn’t hit me what I said until the others looked at me like they were a bit shocked. “I mean me for you—be a better man for—woman. I want to be a better woman for you and—”
My kind husband kissed me to stop my rambling. Then he chuckled and gave me another one. “I knew what you meant, my love. I speak Inez just as you speak Kristof.”
Okay, good.
We had a pretty boring day, even with having to deal with the ghosts and getting so much up and running in Boston and Ohio.
Boring was nice… Really nice.
The next day, I met up with Darius and we were going to have our first helicopter lesson. Part of me was sad that Ty wasn’t going to teach me, but I understood that he wanted to get out of the coven for a while after his breakup with Chris. He’d been worried about his younger brothers, but James and Trisha promised they’d be fine.
And they were. They were both staying in Ty’s suite in the castle and being a big help to the staff from what Nick said.
It was nice when things worked out.
I shouldn’t have been surprised when James was there waiting for us, but I was… And Darius wasn’t happy.
James shrugged. “The chopper was my thing with her and Ty. I think it’s great you want to learn, but—I didn’t trust anyone else to teach my sultry snack.”
I turned up my nose at that. “That’s not as good as sexy bite.”
“Besides, you like when she puts you in your place,” Darius said as he walked over to the chopper. “That makes her sassy or spicy to you, not sultry like she lured you in. You were always all over her from the first moment you saw her.”
My face flushed so hot it was almost annoying. I was shocked Darius saw me like that—paid attention enough to understand all of that.
Kind of like he’d used to.
I was thinking about that and missed James coming over by me until he cupped my face.
“He’s right. I’ve loved your spice from the moment you told me to fuck off when I asked for sexual favors to test you like an asshole. You are my spicy snack that I crave most and want to eat constantly, but if you don’t like that name, I’ll think of a different one. Because I do care about what you want and how you feel.”
“I like it now that you explained it,” I muttered, pulling away and rubbing my cheeks when they felt hot again. “We have a flying lesson, and this is my time with Darius.”
“Whatever you say, spicy snack,” he chuckled deeply as I walked briskly to the chopper.
Dickhead.
“I’m getting him a pink collar and leash,” I grumbled as I got on board.
“You keep saying that, but you don’t, and we all know you’re not going to really try that with him,” Darius said, his tone amused. He didn’t even give me a chance to reply. “I assume you want her to go first?”
“No, you go,” I argued. “It was your idea. You strap in up there.”
Darius smiled. “Okay, thanks.”
I smiled back but felt sad. I used to feel everything when Darius smiled at me, but now… It was just like someone I didn’t know smiling at me.
That was better than always being angry at him though, right? Even looking at him hurt, so… This was better?
It didn’t feel like it.
James got in and was professional, realizing that he was close to overstepping instead of being cute. I appreciated him wanting to be involved with my life, but he tended to take over, and that was potentially problematic.
“I’m glad it was you instead of who I asked,” Darius said when his part was over and we landed. He nodded when James seemed shocked. “You’re an excellent teacher. You’re patient and for—I was worried with your smart-ass attitude that it would be counterproductive. I stand corrected. Professional James is a great teacher and this was amazing.”
I thought I saw James actually blush. That didn’t make sense to me. He’d been an officer in the military with lots of people under him. He was the type of person that people liked and would praise.
But then it hit me.
James was the eldest of his family. Darius was older and giving off big brother vibes. An elder sibling saying they were wrong and you weren’t actually a butthead was probably something everyone wanted to hear.
“Inez?” James asked gently as he moved his hand to my arm.
I blinked into his pretty and worried golden eyes. “Yeah?”
“We were talking to you for a bit. Where did you go?”
I swallowed loudly and looked away. “Nowhere good. Sorry, what did you say?”
“Nothing important or that can’t be repeated.” He leaned in and rubbed his nose along mine. “Where did you go? Talk to us.”
“I think I want to talk to Hope,” I heard myself say. “Sorry.”
“You have no reason to be sorry,” Darius said firmly. “There’s lots that is too much to handle alone. You’re smarter than the rest of us to take a day off and ask for help. I wish I’d done that.” He snorted. “I wish I would learn to do that now. After everything with Aether—I want to learn from my mistakes.”
“That’s not fair,” I argued. “She made you afraid to tell anyone. That’s different.”
“Maybe,” Darius said sadly. “I just can’t unknot this pit that I failed you. I could have handled it better. Not made you think I was avoiding you again and abandoning you when you were struggling. I should have…” He cleared his throat and looked away. “Sorry, I should not make this about me. Wow.”
“But it sounded like you needed to get that out,” James said gently. “We all need to more. We need bum days and we need to talk more. I agree with both.”
“Me too, but it’s hard when it’s all life or death and end of the world,” I mumbled. I shook off whatever else I might have said or was feeling, trying to smile for James. “My turn?”
Luckily, he took the hint. “Your turn. Let’s see what you got.”
Apparently, I had a lot.
Or at least a lot of excitement. Sitting in the front was completely different than the back or even by the gun. It was thrilling, and learning from James was easy because he made the setting without pressure.
Plus, he was fucking hot. Like really fucking hot and his voice was amazing so… Yeah.
“Um, do you want to join us for lunch?” Darius asked when it was over.
“He’s good,” I said firmly, shocking them both. “I’m glad you’re our teacher too, but you don’t get cookies for being pushy and crashing. This is our time.”
“Fair,” James accepted after a moment. “No one tried to add themselves to our date. Okay, yeah, sometimes it’s group, sometimes—I get it.”
I felt bad for being harsh when I understood it was more that he didn’t get how to date someone with other partners. Still, he could ask instead of just doing.
I really needed to train that damn cat.
Lunch was nice. Darius had checked out what different areas were having, and we went over to Seattle for some crab salad sandwiches which were amazing.
The conversation wasn’t as great, but it was less awkward than before. I didn’t hate him being there. It didn’t hurt to look at him.
The bar was currently that low .
“Inez?” Darius asked when we were done.
I wasn’t sure why his voice cracked until I realized tears were running down my cheeks. “Sorry.” I sniffled and cleared my throat.
“What did I do wrong?” he worried.
“Nothing. This was… I just don’t understand how we got here. Almost from the moment I met you, being around you was so easy—comforting. Now it’s awkward. I keep thinking that’s so much better than hating you, but that’s… Sorry. Thanks for lunch and setting this up.”
I went right to Sisay to bring me back since going to Petre seemed like rubbing it in Darius’s face that I was with someone else. I honestly wished we could figure out a way for me to stop feeling he still believed those things he said or I didn’t hear him saying them. That was what I wanted most so I could truly try again.
I snorted when Sisay put me down back at the castle.
“What’s up?” he asked, understanding something just happened with me.
“I just understand Aether a bit better and taking my memories. Having the past weigh you down is—it’s really a struggle as much as being a clean slate could be.”
“Yeah, the memories really weigh all of us down, not just you.” He kissed my hair and thanked me for bringing them to the crab sandwiches. They’d really hit the spot and he’d been in the mood for them.
Well, that was something.
And things were progressive with Darius.
James behaved.
I wasn’t sure if I was trying to appreciate more of my life or just giving in and letting the bar be too low.
How did I figure out which I was doing?