Protecting the Boundary (LA Wolves #8)

Chapter 19

NINETEEN

My whole body is tense—battling itself between my loyalty to Sydney and the desire to grab Meredith and yell at her for making me feel things I was never supposed to feel again. Red rims her eyes and my heart splinters as her words slice into me.

“I never asked you to,” she says before pushing past me and out the door back to the guesthouse.

I fight the urge to turn around and watch her, but give up immediately and spin around, gripping the door frame in a lame attempt to keep myself from rushing after her.

She doesn’t deserve the way I’ve treated her since the aquarium. It’s not her fault I feel unfaithful to Sydney. It’s not her fault that I’m so weak, I’ve started feeling emotions for her that I thought were dead and buried with my wife.

I swallow down the lump in my throat as Meredith enters the guesthouse and closes the door without so much as a glance back at me. This is for the best. Let her be mad at me.

My gut tightens though as I realize it wasn’t anger in her eyes but hurt. I don’t like the idea of hurting her.

“Fuck,” I mutter. The curse word feels good, albeit unfamiliar since I stopped cursing because of Kay repeating everything I said.

I slam the patio door closed, pissed off at myself more than anyone else. I don’t lock it this time. I don’t know why I did that in the first place.

As if I could lock her out of my thoughts if she was locked out of the house.

No chance of that.

My mind is a jumbled mess as I walk to the gym room and throw all my energy into working out, hoping maybe the activity will clear my mind. But not even the burn of my muscles can stop me from remembering the look on Meredith’s face before she walked out.

I put my weights back on the rack and drop my head to my hands as I sit on the workout bench. I touch the wedding bands that I always wear around my neck—mine and Sydney’s. She was buried with her engagement ring, but I wanted to hold a piece of her with me always, so I kept the wedding band.

“I’m sorry, Syd. I’m so sorry.” My words come out choked before tears fill my eyes and I let out all the emotions that have been weighing me down. I was supposed to do better by her, to always be the man she’d be proud of.

But I know in my heart she wouldn’t be proud of how I just treated Meredith. She wouldn’t be proud of how I can’t get my shit together.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” I choke out as if she can hear me. “I wish you were here. I wish you could tell me what to do.”

If she were here…

Well, if she were here, I wouldn’t be in this situation. We wouldn’t have a nanny. I wouldn’t have been alone and single for the last three years. I wouldn’t be developing feelings for someone who clearly loves our daughter because I would never have met Meredith.

That last thought causes my gut to clench. The thought of never meeting her, never knowing her doesn’t feel right either.

Nothing feels right.

My gaze narrows on the receiver I’m tracking as he takes off like a shot when the ball snaps to the quarterback. I match him stride for stride, my feet digging into the turf with each powerful step as I try to close the gap between us. The quarterback releases the ball, and it spins in a tight spiral, cutting through the air and heading straight for the receiver I’ve already got my eyes on.

As if there’s a line showing the ball’s trajectory, I can see exactly where it’s about to go, just out of reach of the receiver’s outstretched hands. But not out of my reach. I leap, timing my jump perfectly, my fingers grazing the ball’s edge. For a heartbeat, it feels like the world stops as I will the ball to slip into my gloved hand.

Using my own momentum and guiding the ball with my hand, I bring it down and then cradle it to my chest as I land on my feet. Our home crowd’s roar of excitement swells to a fever pitch.

The ref calls out, “Interception.”

The other members of the Fierce Four, as well as some of our defensive line, run over to pat me on the back or arm or grip my shoulder in excitement. My cheeks pull up into a small smile, but my gaze focuses on the seats where Meredith and Kay sat last time they watched a game.

Strangers are sitting there now because Meredith and Kaylee are at home. Disappointment settles heavily in my gut, and it takes some of the excitement out of my catch.

I want them here.

Both of them.

And I’m not sure what it says about me that despite telling myself over and over again not to feel anything for Meredith, I still feel things for her.

Feelings that might not even matter since I’ve been such a giant dick to her.