Chapter 23
CHAPTER
TWENTY-THREE
EVEREST
Owen’s being weird.
I mean, that’s not saying much. He’s weird all the time. But he’s been especially weird today.
He won’t say more than a single word to me at a time. He won’t look at me. He’s got his nose buried in the map of the zoo, as if there aren’t arrows on the ground directing us where to go. He moves away whenever I get close.
He seemed okay this morning when he brought me my coffee, doctored exactly the way I like it. He was definitely more than okay last night when we fucked each other’s brains out. So what happened? What is my grumpy little gremlin overthinking now?
We’ve been at the zoo for a couple hours already, six adults trailing behind a tiny little girl like she’s our tour guide. The grandparents have been non-stop feeding Ivy sweets, so she’s all hyped up on adrenaline and sugar and excitement. I’m not looking forward to her crashing when we get home, but right now she’s ecstatic and it’s a delight to watch.
Ivy insisted on getting her face painted as soon as we arrived—with a unicorn, of course. A glittery one. Then the grandparents bought her a hairband with a unicorn horn and a pink wand with streamers on the end. We went to the children’s zoo where she squealed while petting the goats. In the butterfly garden, she walked around with her eyes wide and her jaw on the ground. I got a couple great photos of her hugging a goat and several more with a butterfly on her head.
And through it all, Owen’s been avoiding me like I’m the fucking plague. It’s just me, as far as I can tell. He hasn’t been grumpy or short-tempered with anyone else. He chats with his parents and my parents perfectly normally. He gives Ivy all the attention she wants. But it’s like I don’t even exist to him. Like I’m a ghost.
I’m not gonna lie. It hurts. It’s how we treated each other in the before times. When we weren’t at one another’s throats, we stayed as far away from each other as we could. But that was before. Before Ivy, the house, us .
I thought we were past that. I thought we… well, I wouldn’t call us friends necessarily and “couple” sounds way too serious. But we’re something, something more than two people who happen to live in the same house, raising a kid together.
Have I been reading our whole situation wrong? Does he still hate me? Am I just a convenient fuck?
My stomach churns as unease eats away at me. By the time lunch rolls around, I’ve lost my appetite. In fact, my stomach is so twisted up in knots that I kind of feel like vomiting.
The Zoomobile arrives to take us from the butterfly garden to the restaurant on the other side of the zoo. For a moment, I almost want to maneuver myself in next to Owen so I can confront him on being an asshole. But I chicken out at the last second.
He’s just going to say that everything’s fine, but I’ll know he’s lying. The ride will be too short for us to really hash it out. Then I’ll be second-guessing myself even more than I already am for the rest of the afternoon. I’d rather not know. I’d rather be not-so-blissfully ignorant than have confirmation that something is actually wrong.
I end up several rows behind Owen, sitting with Mom. I have the perfect view of the back of his immaculately styled head. He’s got his arm laid across the back of the bench seat where Ivy is sitting next to him. The sweater he’s wearing molds to his shoulders, his biceps. When he turns to talk to Ivy, I can see the corner of his smile and the way his cheeks bunch. When he chuckles at something she says, his shoulders shake and his head tilts back a few degrees.
My chest feels both hollow and too full at the same time. Like I’m desperately hungry for something and that hunger is clawing at my insides. I’ve never felt anything like this before. I’ve never felt like I was going to die just because someone was ignoring me.
“Everest?”
I jump, snapping my head around to find Mom regarding me with a concerned expression.
“Are you alright?”
Out of the blue, my eyes start to sting. That gnawing feeling rips through me like a physical thing, trying to crawl out of my skin. I hiccup and slap a hand over my mouth to swallow down the unexpected sob.
“Everest?” Mom grows alarmed. “What is it? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
I shake my head. I am hurt, but not that kind of hurt.
I slump down instead, making myself as small as I can so Mom can wrap her arms around me and I can rest my head on her shoulder.
“Is it Eden and Jeremy?” Mom asks in a whisper, rocking me back and forth like I’m a child again. “I miss them too. I don’t know if they ever got the chance to bring Ivy to a zoo.”
I’m too slow to stop the sob this time. It escapes my throat as I realize I haven’t thought about Eden and Jeremy all day. I’ve been so wrapped up in Owen that I totally forgot about them. Jesus, I’m a selfish bastard, aren’t I? Obsessing over a boy when I should be remembering my sister and brother-in-law, Ivy’s mommy and daddy.
Mom rubs my head and I kind of wish I wasn’t wearing a cap so she could run her fingers through my hair like she used to when I was a kid. The Zoomobile drives past the penguins, the puffins, and the sea lions. We’re passing the polar bears when my neck starts protesting the cramped position I’m sitting in.
Reluctantly, I straighten, but Mom keeps her hand on my shoulder.
“It’s not actually Eden and Jeremy,” I admit sheepishly.
Mom looks a little surprised but mostly curious. “It’s not?”
“No, it’s…” I glance up at Owen again, who is pointing out something in the distance to Ivy. “It’s Owen.”
Mom glances toward the front of the shuttle too. “I thought you said you guys were getting along.”
“I thought we were, but…” I sigh heavily. “I dunno. He’s been weird all day.”
Mom furrows her brow a bit. “He seems fine to me.”
“Yeah, I know.” I roll my eyes. “He’s fine with everyone else. He’s just being weird with me.”
Mom eyes me silently for a few long seconds. “I get the sense there’s more to it than that.”
I pout and shift uncomfortably on the hard bench seat. “Maybe.”
“Mmhmm?” She knows not to rush me, that I’ll end up spitting it out when I figure out how to put what I’m feeling into words.
“Owen… I…” I peek over at Mom who is still wearing her patient, non-judgmental expression. “I think I might feel some kind of way. About Owen.”
“Some kind of way?” Mom gives me a “really?” look.
I throw my hands into the air and then land heavily on my thighs with a slap. “I don’t know. I just… feel something.”
“As in romantic feelings?” she prompts gently, walking me through my own emotions.
“I don’t know. Maybe.” I cross my arms and lower my chin toward my chest. “Kinda.”
“Is this a sudden thing? Or has it been developing for some time?”
“It’s…” My cheeks heat as I realize what I’m about to say. “We’ve, uh, kinda been, you know.”
“Kinda been, you know?” Mom echoes me, her voice flat with a hint of amusement.
I give her a meaningful look. “ You know. ”
She gives me a meaningful look in return. “We’re adults, Everest. We can use the appropriate words.”
“Fine! We’ve been fucking!” I hiss quietly at her.
Mom’s lips twitch like she’s fighting back a burst of laughter.
“It’s not funny!” I whine, a little louder.
She snickers. “It’s a little funny.”
“Mom!”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. This is serious. I get it. Your feelings are on the line.” She pats me on the shoulder.
I stick out my bottom lip in a pout so she knows I don’t appreciate her teasing.
“So, you two have been… intimate. And now you have kind of romantic feelings for him.” She pauses for a second, considering. “That seems perfectly normal given your circumstances. Actually, now that I think about it, it was probably inevitable.”
I stare at her. “What was?”
“You and Owen.”
“We were?”
Mom’s expression turns sympathetic. “You said Owen’s been weird with you all day?”
“Yeah.”
“And that’s why you’re in a bad mood?”
“I’m not in a bad mood,” I protest as an uncomfortable mass twists in my stomach. “I’m just… Ugh, fine. Maybe I’m a little upset.”
“Because you care about him and you think he might be angry with you.”
I squirm at how precisely she’s able to describe the aching, almost painful feeling inside me. “Yeah, something like that.”
Mom sighs, but her lips curl into a sappy smile. “Oh sweetie, you really like him, don’t you?”
I scowl at how she makes me sound like a lovesick teenager. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
She bumps me with her shoulders. “You’ve changed—I’ve noticed. So has Owen. You guys aren’t the same people you were when you moved into that house. You didn’t like the old Owen, because he was more…”
“Uptight, arrogant, and snobby?” I provide.
She laughs. “Yeah, something like that. But this new Owen, what’s he like?”
I think about it for a moment as the truth reveals itself to me. “He wants people to think he’s tough, but on the inside, he’s not. He’s… softer.”
“And he’s let you see that side of himself. That means something.”
I hesitate as doubts creep in, wrapping their tentacles around me. “But it might just be because we’re spending so much time together. We never liked anything about each other before. So this might just be a proximity thing.” Even as I say the words, the deepest part of my soul rejects that explanation.
Mom gives this some consideration before she speaks. “So what? Even if it is just proximity, who cares? That doesn’t make your feelings any less real, does it?”
I blink, genuinely unsure of how to answer the question. “I don’t know?”
“Don’t you?” Mom puts her hand in the middle of my chest, right above the spot where my heart is hammering against the inside of my ribs. “What do you feel here? Tell me if that’s real.”
I feel hunger, yearning. Eager and impatient and greedy. I want Owen to come to me, to smile at me and laugh at my silly jokes. I want him to boss me around, talk dirty to me in bed, then come apart in my arms. I want us to take Ivy on bike rides and to swimming lessons and to visit museums. I want this life I’ve gotten just a small taste of. I want all of it and more.
I gasp as the full weight of this realization descends upon me. I’m not a single dude anymore who likes going out partying and hooking up. I’m not a floater anymore, going wherever and whenever I want. That life is behind me. Ahead of me is this world of possibilities and in the center of it all are Owen and Ivy.
I grip the back of the seat in front of me as I struggle to calm my racing heart.
“Everest?” Concern flashes in Mom’s eyes. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head, not able to speak. Memories of pizza nights and movie nights flash through my mind. The small touches we exchange in the kitchen every morning. The palpable relief when we both come home from work in the evenings.
Our nightly routine, each taking turns getting Ivy ready for bed, reading her a bedtime story and tucking her in. Slipping away to my room in the basement when she falls asleep.
Christ, we’re living together. We’re raising a little girl together. We’re sleeping together. We’re partners. We’re a family. He feels essential to me because he is essential to me. This life doesn’t exist if he’s not a part of it.
My heart is ricocheting around in my chest so fast I think it’s going to shoot right out of my body. My lungs can’t keep up.
“Everest?” Mom sounds alarmed, her voice filtering through the sound of blood rushing past my ears
“Ev?”
The deep baritone comes from my other side and I spin around to find Owen standing next to the shuttle. We’ve stopped and everyone’s climbed out. And now, they’re all staring at me.
Owen steps in close, brows drawn together, lips set in a firm line. In the before times, I would’ve assumed that he was angry, pissed that I was making a scene in public. But I know better now. He’s concerned, worried. His mind is probably whirring at a hundred miles per hour, trying to triage the problem and create an action plan to address it.
His strong, steady hand wraps around my wrist. “What’s wrong? What happened?” His gaze flicks to Mom, then back to me. “Ev?”
I shake my head again and push past him. I can’t deal with him right now. I can’t deal with him being all take charge and solve the problem and fix all the things. I can’t handle him being so goddamn Owen.
I need space, air. I need time to feel my feelings without him hovering above me. I need to come to terms with being in love.