Chapter 19
NINETEEN
Brian
The music began, and I smiled. The winner got to pick the music, while the loser just had to skate around the ice and fuck around until the song was over. But I’d taken an educated guess at the song Rebel would choose. And I’d gotten it right.
Because I knew Rebel. He’d been a damn good friend until that night all those years ago. I knew I should’ve tried to heal this rift between us sooner. I’d tried a few times, but life had gotten in the way. And I’d been a shitty friend. Sure, Rebel had played his part, but I’d just let it go.
Maybe after tonight, we could start over.
Once you tell him about you and Rain.
Probably shouldn’t think about that right now. It’d just fuck with my head.
So I did my dance.
“I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred blasted out of the speakers. It’d been a staple at hockey practices and warm-ups because hockey players were dorks. So I knew the beats, and I knew every fucking word.
And I’d put in some thought as to what I was going to do. Hell, I’d even admit to doing a little practice when no one else was on the ice. Because this was going to be the best fucking Dance of Contrition ever.
But there was only one person I was dancing for.
I looked up into the arena and found the Lawrence suite, where I knew Rain would be. And there she was, a huge grin on her face and clapping her hands above her head. Beside her, Maddy was shaking her head, but her smile was wide.
Now, I’m a pretty damn good skater. And while I don’t normally show off my skills, I’ve got moves. I wasn’t going to embarrass myself out here. I let the music play out for a few seconds before I pushed off.
If I had to classify my dance, I’d call it late-night bump-and-grind, college style. My technique was a little rusty, but my feet were sure as I moved around the ice. I didn’t do any pirouettes or anything where my feet left the ice. But I put on a fucking show. Because if I had to do it, I wasn’t going to half-ass it.
Rowdy probably recognized some of it. I’d been hot for a girl in college who’d been an ice dancer. She’d taught me a few moves.
The crowd loved it. But I was skating for an audience of one. Because, honestly, if I thought about the fans in the arena watching me, I’d probably trip over my feet and face-plant. Couldn’t think about Maddy either. Didn’t know how I was gonna live this down with her. At least, it’d be good for a laugh between us. Hadn’t been many of those this week.
Our meeting with Lin had gone well, I’d thought. Lin had looked good. Sober. And she and Maddy had been so happy to see one another. But Maddy had been quiet these past two days, and I didn’t know what to do to make things better. Honestly, I was hoping Rain had been able to get Maddy out of her head for a little while.
I lost my rhythm for a second and pushed those thoughts out of my head before I tripped and fell.
The hooting and hollering and stomping in the crowd complemented the music as the song wound down. Stopping at center ice, I bowed toward the bench then turned and did the same to both ends and the penalty box side.
Now, I let myself take in the ear-splitting noise coming from the arena, but my gaze sought the owners’ box. Anyone watching would think I was smiling at Maddy. And I did. At first. But for the last split second, my smile was all for Rain. She jumped up and down, cheering and circling one hand over her head like she was roping cattle. Her expression made me long for the moment we could be alone together.
Movement from the bench drew my attention as Rebel stepped onto the ice and skated toward me. The audience quieted as he stopped a couple of feet away.
Shaking his head, he sighed. “Nice moves. And take off the goddamn tutu.”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I wear it pretty well.”
“No, you really don’t.”
“We good?”
A pause, then something that looked almost like a smile. Probably just gas.
“Yeah.”
I guess that was as good as I was going to get for now.
“Then let’s play fucking hockey.”
“Brian.”
I turned at the sound of Rebel calling to me just before I was about to leave the locker room. I’d been the last man off the ice because I’d been named First Star of the game and had to give an interview to the radio announcer. Not only had we won the game, but I’d gotten assists on both goals. I felt good and the only thing that could make it better was to spend the night with Rain. But, of course, that wasn’t going to happen.
“What’s up?”
Fuck, that had sounded like I was angry with him, which I wasn’t, and I could see him stiffen.
“Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound pissy. It’s not you.” I shook my head. “What do you need, Reb?”
He didn’t answer right away, just stared at me, like he was trying to read me. “I just wanted to say you had a good game. And you’re a good sport. And I haven’t been. So, yeah, sorry.”
Hell, he didn’t even look like he’d said any of that grudgingly, but like he actually meant it. So I didn’t want to light fire to any of the bridges we may have just started to repair.
“Thanks, man. There’s blame on both sides. You’re right. I let my bias cloud my judgment. That's on me. Sorry I wasn’t a better friend.”
“You were a good friend.” Reb shook his head. “And I took all the shit I was dealing with out on you. I never forgave you for something that wasn’t your fault. And I never said sorry for thinking it was.”
Alone in the room right now, I could say exactly what I’d been thinking since we’d had that fight two weeks ago.
“It wasn’t all your fault. And you’re right. I was dealing with a lot of shit then, and I’m dealing with a lot of shit now. But I don’t want to fucking fight with you anymore. I don’t know that you’ll ever let me close enough to be friends again, but I never hated you. And when you cut me off like you did, it felt like I’d lost a limb. It was fucking hard, Reb. My dad’s an alcoholic. Linny is too. I couldn’t do a damn thing about my dad, but I can fucking be there for Linny and Maddy.”
“Is Maddy doing okay?”
“Hell if I know. I’m a poor fucking excuse for a fill-in father, but I’m all she’s got, because her own dad’s a deadbeat and hasn’t seen her in years. And if the bastard came around today, I’d probably knock that fucker into next week.”
“Like you did to Zelinsky for my sister?”
When I didn’t say anything, Reb just shook his head.
“I know you’ve got a lot on your plate right now,” he said. “I don’t want to add any more shit to it. I just want you to know I’m done being angry with you. I should’ve been done a long time ago, but I’m an asshole who can hold a grudge for a fucking long time.”
Nodding, I gave him a hint of a smile. “No shit.”
“How’d you learn how to skate like that, anyway?”
“Why? You want me to teach you?”
Now Rebel actually cracked a smile. “Fuck you, man. I got my own moves.”
We walked out together like maybe our friendship could still be saved.
Even if I was having a secret affair with his sister.
“Hi there.” Rain smiled at Maddy and me as we walked through the door of Crack One Open Sunday morning. “I didn’t expect to see you this morning.”
Smiling, I walked up to the counter, opening my coat to let in the warm air of the bakery. Maddy had asked to come here for breakfast, and since it’d been the only thing she’d asked for since seeing her mom, I couldn’t say no. Maddy had been quiet all day yesterday, though she did ask me where I learned to skate like I had Friday night. She’d seemed less than impressed when I’d said I did it to get a date with a girl.
“I think Maddy just wanted to get out of the apartment. And I need about a gallon of coffee.”
The last two games against the Saltersburg Seagulls had been grinders. The Seagulls had a couple of enforcers who took one look at me and decided it was Christmas all over again. And I was the gift. We’d had some run-ins over the years that made this game a little more…physical than some of the others this year.
Consequently, I had a few more shades of color on my skin than normal. Especially one on my jaw, which I saw Rain’s gaze glance over.
“Erin just made some chocolate chip muffins and blueberry scones. I could get you an ice pack for that too.”
“Sounds good.”
The bakery was quiet this morning, only a few people at the tables, all of them reading the local newspaper, probably because Erin printed it next door and set it out for free on all the tables.
As Rain filled a large cup with coffee, I turned to check on Maddy. And jolted when I realized she wasn’t in the room.
“Shit. I’ll be right back.”
Rushing for the door, I shoved through and exhaled when I realized she sat on the bench in front of the empty storefront next door, the one Erin and Rain were going to turn into a bookstore. Shoulders hunched, head down, she stared at her feet.
“Maddy.”
She didn’t move, didn’t acknowledge me in any way.
“Hey, kid. You okay?”
“Yeah. I guess.” She took a deep breath and blew it out, mist forming in the air in front of her. “I don’t know. I’m just…”
Fuck. Just…fuck. I didn’t know how to deal with this. Didn’t know what to say. What to do to make this better for her. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, but I had to say something. I couldn’t just watch her twist herself into knots.
Jesus, how had I let it get to this? What had I missed? She’d seemed okay after seeing Lin. I’d figured she needed some time to decompress. I should’ve known. I should’ve asked. I should’ve paid more attention. I should’ve done something .
So, what the hell did I do now? She was twelve. Did I lie and tell her everything was going to be okay? But that wasn’t right. That was a page out of my dad’s playbook. And no fucking way was that the right thing to do.
I took a breath and sat. “Okay, then let’s figure out how you’re feeling.”
She looked up at me with wild eyes, like a cat trapped in a cage. And shivered. Shit, it was cold out here.
“But not out here,” I said. “Let’s go back inside where it’s warm and talk.”
She looked over her shoulder through the window. “There’s people in there.”
“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure Rain will have somewhere we can talk in private.”
Putting my arm around her, I stood, bringing her with me, grateful she didn’t put up any resistance. When we walked through the door, I caught Rain’s eye. She and Erin were talking, but they stopped to look at us. Rain walked around the counter, her expression calm.
“What do you need?”
“Is there somewhere Maddy and I can talk?”
She nodded immediately. “Sure. Follow me.”
Rain led us through the kitchen then opened another door that led into the building next to it. The bookstore they were planning to open in a month or so. They’d done a lot more work than I’d realized. Bookshelves lined the walls, though there were no books in them yet. There were two huge, comfortable-looking leather chairs. And it wasn’t cold.
“If you need anything, just let me know.” Rain’s smile eased some of the tightness in my chest. Then she disappeared back into the kitchen, closing the door behind her.
We sat in silence for a few seconds, our breathing the only sound in the room.
“All right, Mads. Tell me everything you’re thinking. Just spit it all out. No judgment. If you just want me to sit here and listen to you spew words, I’m here for that.”
She didn’t speak right away, and it took all my self-control not to push her. Because I wanted to help. I wanted to be the person she needed right now.
Finally, after at least a minute, she said, “I’m angry. And I don’t want to be angry.”
I saw the anger in her face, but I also saw the guilt and the sadness and the fear. I understood all those emotions because I felt the same.
“I’m angry too, hon. And I’m scared.”
Her eyes narrowed a little. “Why are you scared?”
“Because I don’t know what’s going to happen. No one does, and that sucks. I hate being scared, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep moving forward. And keep believing that things will be better.”
Her lower lip trembled. “Mom looked good. But?—”
She cut herself off and looked away, her cheeks flushing, like she was ashamed.
“But you’re worried she’ll fall back into old habits when she gets out. I feel the same way.”
Now her eyes widened. “You do?”
“Yeah, but you weren’t there when she asked me to care for you before she went into the program. She looked determined. She looked ready to fight. Now you and I have to show her that we believe she can do it. This is just part of the process.”
She sat and breathed for a few seconds. “You really think this time she can do it?”
I realized we hadn’t had this discussion the whole time she’d been with me. I’d been avoiding it and that was on me.
“I believe she can, yes. But I also think she has to know we believe in her.”
Maddy’s gaze slipped away, and her voice went quiet. “What if I don’t?”
“Then you look your mom in the eyes, and you tell her you do. Because she needs to hear that she can. And honey, I know part of you does believe it. Just like I do.”
“Isn’t that lying?”
I thought about it for a few seconds then shook my head. “No, it’s positive reinforcement. Sometimes all you need is someone to believe in you to help you realize you can do it. Make sense?”
She really thought about that one, her gaze dropping to the floor as she chewed on her bottom lip.
“I guess. Yeah.”
“Good. The next time we visit, we’re gonna tell her exactly that. That we believe she can do it.”
She took a second then nodded, glancing up at me for a few seconds. “Sure. I can do that.”
“Good. Now, you ready to get some breakfast?”
“Yeah. I’m ready.” She grinned at me. “Love you, Uncle Bri.”
“Love you too, Mads.”
As we walked back into the bakery, I realized the decision I was going to have to make was almost here. And that avoiding it was no longer an option.
Because I was going to have to choose. And I didn’t fucking want to.