Raze (Dirty Soul MC: Long Beach #1)

Chapter 18

Two Weeks Later

“Sssshhhhh.” I hear my bedroom door creak open and hold my breath. It’s late and I’m pretty sure Kane is still out with his friends. If Billy knew he was out past curfew he’d be in so much trouble, but I can’t worry about that now. I have to focus all my attention on making my mind blank and my body numb.

I don’t know what goes through Billy’s mind when we’re alone like this. He must know I don’t like it, I cry every time. Yet he never stops, he never asks me if I’m okay. In fact, he doesn’t talk at all.

Billy, who everyone knows in the daytime, seems to have detached himself from the man who visits me after dark. In the daylight, he’s my friendly, caring stepfather, the man who everyone sees the good in because he took in me and my brother after our moma died. We’d be in a foster home by now if it wasn’t for him, probably separated, that's what Kane keeps reminding me, and the thought of never seeing my brother again is what keeps me playing along.

I smile at Billy when he picks me up from school. I laugh at the jokes he makes with our neighbor out on the front lawn, but after the sun goes down there are no smiles, and no laughter, just a masked face that hovers over me.

I lie still and let him approach, closing my eyes and trying to think of something good. Like the smell of Moma’s homemade cobbler, or the way she’d sing to the radio while she was driving. My heart beats fast as his hand slides over my mouth, gripping it tight so I can’t scream and wake up Kane. Which I take as a good sign, that he thinks he’s home. I feel my nightdress lift and try so hard to hold onto the good things before all the pain and humiliation overrides any happiness I ever knew.

“Peyton, Peyton!” I feel my shoulders shaking and hear a harsh, raspy voice in the distance.

“Baby, wake up, open your eyes for me. It’s just a dream.”

I do as the voice commands and when I open my eyes and see Raze beside me, his eyes look wild with anger and concern.

“I’m sorry,” I croak, feeling all kinds of stupid for having another night terror. I don’t know what triggers them, but they still come and go, even now that I’m sharing a bed with him.

“Don’t be sorry.” He tries to hide how angry he is, and when that awful retching feeling in my stomach starts to hurt, I take hold of his wrist and place his hand where I need it. Raze nods his head because he knows what this is. It may be a little fucked-up, but it’s my therapy. His fingers slide under the waistband of my panties and start to stroke between my legs, and I keep hold of his wrist, tight in my hands because I’m scared he’ll stop.

Having him touch me so intimately creates new memories that extinguish the bad and puts a different kind of shiver on my skin. I watch how the muscles in his forearm work as he strokes me further and further away from my room back in Sacramento and right back to where I belong, which is here, with him.

“You're safe now,” he whispers in between the kisses that he presses against my shoulder. “Ain’t no one ever gonna hurt you again.” I allow his words to spread comfort through my chest and the heat of his touch to build that pleasure in the pit of my stomach. I relax enough to release his hand and slide the panties off my legs. Then, I decide to take him completely by surprise when I straddle him.

Since Raze stopped being stubborn two weeks ago, we’ve had sex, a lot, but never like this, never with me in control.

“You know, it’s been 10 days since I got that shot?” I stop him from reaching into the bedside cabinet for a rubber.

“You been countin’?” He grins up at me, repositioning my hips so his thick, hard cock, rests between my pussy lips.

“I want to feel you inside me like this.” I circle the head of his thick cock with my finger before raising it to my lips so I can taste the pre cum that's leaked onto it. I know how much Raze loves it when I taste him and I have to admit, he tastes real good.

“Take it.” He looks down at his cock, then back up to me daringly, and with his permission granted, I lift up my hips and take his heavy shaft in my palm, steering it to line up with my entrance.

“Tease yourself with it first. Get me good and wet,” he orders with those dark, hooded eyes watching me, and I do exactly as he says, taking his cock and using it to pleasure myself. Slowly, I guide his shaft to slip between my pussy lips, letting him feel for himself how wet he’s gotten me, it makes the fingers he has gripping my thighs dig a little deeper into my flesh.

I take my time because nothing with Raze is rushed, he somehow manages to draw pleasure out of me that I never even knew existed, and he’s still teaching me about what my body is capable of. I’ve valued every single one of his lessons.

“You're makin’ that feel real good,” he tells me, and his praise sends a rush over my skin. He must have picked up on how much I love it when he talks to me that way because he’s doing it more and more frequently. It feels so good to know I can please Raze. It gives me a sense of purpose and there's no better feeling than having the man you can’t stop thinking about, even when you're with him, tell you that his cock is just for you.

“I like feeling you like this,” I admit, sliding my fingers over the upside of his cock and trailing one of its thick veins with my finger.

“Keep doin’ that, tease this.” He pinches my clit between his thumb and finger and the shock sends a direct jolt to my nipples and makes my stomach clench.

“You liked that, did ya?” He soothes me with the pad of his thumb before he pinches me again. Then taking control of his cock by gripping it in his fist he smacks it against my sensitive flesh.

It feels different and good, and I can see by Raze’s face that he likes the effect it’s having on me.

“Ain’t you a good girl for me?” He brushes his tip between my folds before he smacks it against me again. “Gettin’ my cock all nice and wet before I slip it inside ya.” His voice travels through me and brings me comfort like a warm sun on a cold day.

‘Lift your hips, darlin’ you're ready now. Sit on me and I’ll take care of this needy, little clit for you.” His thumb starts to stroke those circles against me as I raise myself up just enough for his tip to press against my entrance.

“Go on, pretty girl, take it all the way.” His voice turns into a deep groan and I moan right along with him, as I take an inch of him inside me.

Feeling him bare is a whole new experience and one I’ve decided we can never go back from.

“You look so damn pretty takin’ my cock.” His thumb continues to work me as I take a little more of it. I’ve never had him inside me at this angle before and I can feel him stretching me. It’s perfect, we’re perfect and as I slide all the way down his shaft I feel his hands grip me with the same intensity that's building up inside me. I know that this has gone way further than just a good time for me. I’m falling head over heels and I’m bound to get hurt, but when something feels this good how can you regret it?

“You ever been in love before?” I ask Raze when he slides his arm around my waist and drags me tight to his body. He’s forty-one years old, that's a lot of years to have lived on this earth without ever loving someone.

“What kinda question is that?” He scrunches up his face, seeming thrown off by it.

“A straight-up one. Come on, I’m curious. You must have fallen in love at some time in your life?”

“Have you?” He turns the question onto me then shakes his head and laughs “You know what… don’t answer that.”

“Why? Scared it’ll make you jealous?” I tug at his chest hair, making him growl, and when he rolls his body over mine taking both my wrists and sliding them above my head, I giggle.

“I know it’ll make me jealous,” he admits with a very serious look on his face. “And whoever that poor guy was would more than likely end up getting hurt for it.” He smacks a kiss on my lips before dragging himself out of bed and pulling on his jeans.

“Come on, tell me. I wanna know.” I keep hounding him, desperate to know if this man has ever dropped his guard for someone. I’ve got the impression over the past few weeks that it’s slowly lowering for me, and I like how that feels.

“I’ve never been in love,” I admit, sitting myself up against the headboard and twiddling the hem of the bed sheet between my fingers. It seems so sad and juvenile to admit that but it’s true. All that went on with Billy really fucked with my head, I never imagined I’d ever let a man touch me let alone fall in love with one.

“Good, love is a very dangerous thing,” Raze points out.

“And do you think you’ll ever fall in love with me?” The question just falls out of my mouth and when Raze stares at me and frowns I instantly regret asking.

“You don’t have to answer that, it was—” He slowly steps back toward me and climbs over my body, both his palms pressing into the headboard either side of my head and caging me in.

“I’m already fallin’,” he admits, in a soft but low tone that almost sounds vulnerable. I have to wet my lips because suddenly they’ve gone very dry. Everything I’ve been feeling for Raze since I came here has been too scary to admit. To him, and to myself, and yet here he is being open and telling me exactly what I need to hear. My problem is that I’m not ready to be open with him. I still have secrets. Ones that would make him view me differently, and I’m not ready for this safe, beautiful world that I’ve built around myself to come crashing down.

“I have to go.” He kisses me again and when he goes to get up I grab his arm and drag him back.

“But it’s a Sunday.” I pout.

“Presidents don’t get to stop being presidents because it’s a weekend.” He laughs, and I know it’s because the handsome asshole gets off on me bein’ needy.

“Well, what am I supposed to do?” I fold my arms over my chest and huff.

“You can stop being a brat for starters.” He raises his eyebrows at me and when I snarl at him, he shakes his head and chuckles. “Why don’t you hang out at the club with some of the girls?” His answer stuns me, ever since I’ve been here Raze has encouraged me to avoid the women who reside in the motel.

“Emmmm, because they all hate me,” I point out the obvious.

“They don’t hate you.” He shakes his head. “Polly likes you, and Sonny too. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the way he looks at you.” He waggles his finger at me.

“Ouch, you really are jealous.” I get up on my feet and walk across the mattress to be closer to him and when I wrap my arms around his neck he lifts up my thighs and guides them around his hips.

“I don’t need to be jealous, every single person back at that club knows you're mine now. No one's gonna step outta line.”

“And what if they did?” I ask, wondering what depths Raze would go to.

“Just ask G—” He cuts himself off. “Never mind. I’m only gonna be there a few hours, we’ll do somethin’ nice when I get back,” he promises, before kissing my forehead and placing me back down. I can’t help wondering if that something will involve us both being naked, because I swear this man has turned me into a sex fiend.

“Raze.” I manage to get his attention before he puts on his cut and heads out the door. “Have you ever had your heart broken?”

Part of me is wishing that he has, if he knows what it feels like maybe he might be gentle with mine.

“No.” He frowns back at me before snatching up his keys and walking out the door.