23. Chapter 23
Chapter 23
Roxie
Things have changed.
It’s been almost a week since Lennox told me about what happened in that cabin with Tennison, and I’m still reeling from it.
I’ve been trying to stay extra busy since then, but every time we’re together, there’s a pull there. It’s not simply an attraction anymore. It’s a push and pull, begging to be more.
But he’s still my patient, and I’m still not sure we’re staying. Fuck, do I want to stay, though.
There haven’t been signs of Greg or Pam, thank God, but I know I need to figure things out with them sooner rather than later. That’s a thought for another time, though, because I need to get Ivy to bed before my mind wanders again.
She yawns as she pulls her favorite racoon to her chest when I tuck her in. “I think I like it here the best, Mommy.” She says it so plainly. She has no clue it feels like a bullet to my chest or how close to my own thoughts she hit .
“Me too, Bug,” I whisper as I pull her cover up and a press a kiss to her forehead. “Sleep sweet.”
Quietly walking out of the room, I pause before shutting the door. Her sweet face, so full of innocence and hope, has my thoughts whirling. She’s not the only one starting to feel at home here, and it’s scary to think like that.
I’m not sure I can afford to think like that.
I debate going to bed. It’s been a long-ass day, filled with almost every client in my books. I’m exhausted, and going to bed is probably the smart choice, but one very big presence is drawing me back to the living room.
Lennox.
He’s such a conundrum. Obviously, he’s still working through things, but the progress he’s made is huge. And when he’s with Ivy? He’s a completely different man. He effortlessly talks to her, plays with her, and treats her like a real person, not just someone’s child that he has to put up with. With one interaction, you can see how much Ivy loves him already. Add in him reading to her every single night, and I’m not sure my heart can handle it.
Walking out to the living room, I find him relaxing on the couch, about to turn on the television.
“Hey.” He looks over at me. “Want to join me and watch something?”
“Sure.” I barely hesitate, and that should tell me more about how I’m feeling than anything. I’ve been thinking a lot about my life after he opened up about his past. It’s forced me to be introspective, and it’s hard as hell to realize your life isn’t where you want it to be.
As I relax back on the couch, I realize this is the first time all day I’ve felt any semblance of calm. Lennox puts on a random action movie that everyone’s seen a million times and shifts to face me. He doesn’t say anything, just waits me out to see if I’m going to talk.
Turning my head to face him, I smile as tears come to my eyes. All of my overwhelming thoughts come to the surface.
“I’ve been running for a long time. And I fucking hate it,” I whisper. “I feel like I’ve completely failed Ivy so far in her life because we never stay anywhere long enough for her to grow up, to just be a kid.”
“You haven’t failed her. Furthest thing from it, I think,” he says gently.
I wish he was right, that I felt as confident as he seems to be about it.
Blinking my tears back, I swallow hard. “All I’ve ever wanted since I found out I was pregnant with her was to give her the childhood I didn’t have. I’m absolutely failing at that.”
“Where’s her father? You can tell me to fuck off; I realize how intrusive that question is, sorry.” His tone is still so soft, bringing a levity to his words that I appreciate.
I could tell him it’s none of his business, but I can’t remember the last time I confided in someone, and I want to hold on to this for a little while longer. If Lennox can do it with all he’s been through, maybe I can too.
“Gone. Who knows, honestly. It was a couple of weeks of tension release, and when I found out I was pregnant, he immediately signed away his rights. He didn’t want kids, and I would never force a man to stay in my life, or Ivy’s, when he was so against it. There were no hard feelings.”
Craig wasn’t a bad guy. Neither of us wanted to be saddled with each other because of a kid when we knew we weren’t long-term. I had a stable job, could take care of Ivy on my own, so for me, it was better this way. He didn’t give me any problems, and we parted ways as if we were a hook-up coming to a natural end .
“That’s … mature.” He sounds shocked, and it makes me chuckle.
“It was different; that’s for sure. But I wouldn’t change how things happened. We weren’t meant to be together, and staying together for some misplaced sense of obligation felt … wrong. It would have only hurt Ivy in the long run, and that wasn’t something either of us wanted.”
“So, you’ve been alone since you had her?”
His question jolts through me. I’ve never really thought about it like that, but it’s blindingly obvious now. Being alone was safer, and once it became unsafe, we moved. Always alone, always on the move. Never stationary for long enough to make real friends or a support system.
“Yeah,” I whisper. The tears I’ve been fighting since I sat down win, falling down my cheeks without permission.
Quickly wiping them away, I turn my head, ashamed of how much emotion I’m showing to Lennox. For God’s sake, he’s been through so much, and here I am losing my shit over a crappy family.
“Ivy is the best kid. I don’t think you hear that enough. She’s so funny, so fucking good . I swear she makes me want to be a better person every day. And that’s all thanks to you.” The emotion in his voice, in his words, breaks me.
A sob breaks through, even though I’m desperately trying to hold it all in.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Lennox sounds distraught, and it only makes me cry harder.
“It’s not”—hiccup — “you.” I heave in a breath. “I’ve never talked to anyone about this.” I scrub my face, trying to get rid of the tears and gain some form of control again.
“When I was with Tennison, he knew things about me, knew my past,” he murmurs .
“Lennox…” I breathe. How is he able to continue to talk about this with me? I can barely talk about my childhood, and here he is being so fucking open.
“He knew how my parents died, hit on the guilt I’ve always had over that.”
“You don’t need to tell me this.”
“If it helps you, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” The truth in his words and the vulnerability in his gaze make me see a glimpse of a future that’s impossible.
Or is it? Am I just too stuck in my ways, unable to see past the pattern?
Shaking my head, I pull my knees up to my chest, hugging them. “My aunt and uncle—Greg and Pam—never wanted kids, and it showed every single day. They weren’t abusive, but they never liked me. I was an afterthought, a burden, and I felt it every single day.” Wiping my eyes on my knees to dry the last of the tears, I realize I want to talk about this. I want to confide in Lennox because he understands me better than most people do.
“I knew early on, probably eighth grade, that I wanted to pave my own way as soon as humanly possible, and that meant college with a good career. I didn’t want to rush into making a career decision, and I busted my ass to get away from them. But they always followed me or found me, rather. They always came up with something they needed: money, support, random shit that didn’t mean anything. It was always a ploy to have some control over me. Once I had Ivy, they started to get ugly. They would threaten to take her away, go to the courts, and deem me an unfit parent—they tried it all.”
I look up at Lennox and see the rage simmering below the surface.
“Once they started that, I started moving every time they found us. It was easy when Ivy was a baby. The change didn’t affect her, but these last couple of years have been so fucking hard,” I whisper. “She starts to make friends, and then I abruptly shift our lives again, causing her to start over. She’s resilient now, but how much longer can I keep this up without it damaging her? Without her resenting me forever?”
“I won’t pretend to know the future—Lord knows I’m the last person who thinks they even have one—but what’s stopping you from confronting them? I’m not sure what exactly they’re asking for and how much leverage they have, but is that an option?” He cringes at his question like he shouldn’t have asked, but I’m hung up on something else entirely.
I won’t pretend to know the future … I’m the last person who thinks they even have one.
Does he truly feel that way? God, I hope not. He has the best kind of future ahead of him, and the only thought whirling in my head is that I want to make sure he has it, whatever it takes.
Clearing my throat, I turn my focus to his question. “Initially, I didn’t confront them because I was unsure of what they were truly capable of. It always felt like they had the upper hand because I had been scared of them for so many years. I tried to confront them after I had Ivy. They talked to a psychiatrist about having me admitted to a long-term facility. Because I had no one else, it would have meant Ivy defaulted to their care. They knew exactly what they were doing, and giving them temporary custody meant they had ammunition to go after full custody. I couldn’t … I may not be the best parent, but Ivy deserves better than what I had.”
“Stop saying you’re anything less than the best mother to that little girl,” he growls. My eyes widen at how fiercely he says it .
Opening my mouth then snapping it closed, I try to think of anything to say in response but come up empty. His protectiveness of Ivy, I get, but his protectiveness of me? It’s not something I’ve experienced since my parents died, and I’m not sure how to react to it.
“What happens if you do see Greg here?” He must sense my unease, but this topic doesn’t help it any.
“If I see him again, I need to seriously consider leaving.” Even as I say it, everything in me screams, Don’t go! Figure out a way to stay! But it seems unattainable. My instinct is to run, and I don’t know how to shift from that.
Meeting his gaze again, I see more determination in his eyes than I ever have. Determination directed at me.
“I think maybe I should call it a night. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I whisper. “Good night, Lennox.”
True to every instinct I have, I run.
I run away from thinking about anything long-term.
I run away from these new feelings toward Lennox.
I run because I’m scared.