24. Chapter 24
Chapter 24
Lennox
I pushed Roxie too hard. I was trying to get information, and now I’m in bed alone, full of regret. And anger.
Her family was supposed to protect her but now think Ivy is some sort of pawn. I’m angry at the fact that I’m still a damn patient, and all I can think about is becoming more. And here I thought Tennison fucked with my head.
Roxie’s taking Ivy to school right now, so I have fifteen minutes to get my head on straight and possibly figure out how to stop seeing her naked every time I close my eyes. I was able to push that out of my mind until last night.
I was starting to think Roxie was never going to open up to me, and then she did so in spades. Combine that with what I shared with her, and it feels like there’s hope. Hope for a future that’s only been abstract. Hope that I can keep a woman who is changing me, helping me day by day, and the little pixie who shows me how life should be lived.
There are obstacles in the way, though, and being her damn patient might be the biggest of all .
The door swings open, interrupting my thoughts and drawing my attention to the woman who’s changed everything for me.
“I’m glad you’re up.” She ignores my gaze completely, moving to the kitchen and making a cup of coffee. “Today is a big day.” She spins around with the brightest smile I’ve ever seen on her face.
“A big day?” I ask, confused.
“We’re going to take your brace off completely today.”
My breath freezes in my chest, and I’m sure my eyes are comically wide at this point.
“Don’t panic,” she says quickly, moving to sit next to me.
“I’m not panicking.” I’m totally panicking; I can hear it in my voice. The shake of my hand as my breathing picks up is a tell-tale sign.
“Shit, I thought you’d be excited.” She shifts to face me, grabbing both my hands in hers. It releases the knot in my chest infinitesimally.
“I’m so excited.”
The look she gives me says I’m not fooling her. “Okay. Brace stays on. I sprang it on you, and that was the wrong move. I’m sorry.” She squeezes my hands tighter, and I cling to the feeling like a lifeline pulling me out of the endless ocean.
“No, no. I want to. Just give me second.” I need to get my bearings and figure out why I’m freaking out over something I’ve been so desperate for. I haven’t had the brace locked in weeks, but it still provides extra support. Taking that off leaves me vulnerable.
“Okay, take a deep breath, counting to five, and exhale to the same. Repeat that until you feel yourself regulate a little.” She breathes with me until the third round, when every muscle starts to loosen up.
I nod on my last exhale, feeling much better. “I’m sorry,” I croak .
“Nothing to be sorry about. We’re technically a week earlier than planned, and I shouldn’t have unilaterally decided things without including you.”
“I want the brace off. It’s a security blanket at this point. I’m not sure why I freaked out.”
“Change is hard. This change in particular is really hard. It represents a lot, not just your leg, and it’s all coming to the surface.”
Nodding, I really take in her words. She’s right; this brace represents healing from Tennison in general, not only my stupidity from months ago.
“What if I mess it up again?” I whisper.
“I won’t let that happen. You’re strong, stronger than you were when you went for that hike. If I didn’t think you were physically ready for this, I wouldn’t have suggested it. You’ve been kicking ass, and I wanted to show you have much progress you’ve made.” She squeezes my hands again, punctuating her point.
“Can we start small, like take it off and walk around the house, maybe add from there?” I ask.
“Absolutely. We go as fast or as slow as you want.”
“Okay. Let’s do it.” I take the leap because I have to. It may scare the hell out of me, but if there comes a time when I need to protect my girls, then this needs to happen. I need to be mobile and not scared of getting hurt again.
“Yeah?” There’s that bright smile on her face again. It’s sunshine in the dark storm. The light at the end of the longest tunnel known to man.
“Yeah.”
She releases my hands, and the loss hits deep in my gut.
I may already be gone for this woman .
The thought renders me speechless.
Hands on my leg startle me as I refocus on Roxie. She gives me a questioning look, and I shake my head. No need to tell her she’s always on my mind. No need to let her see how much I want her. Her gentle hands start working the brace off.
“Hey,” she says. “Breathe. Nothing is going to hurt you right now.”
It’s then I realize my hands are gripping the couch so hard my knuckles have turned white. I have no clue where this extreme reaction has come from, but it’s making me realize I need to be more proactive about figuring it out.
I exhale, loosening my hold and hyper-focusing on Roxie. She can keep me calm.
She tosses the brace onto the couch and stands up, moving the coffee table out of the way. When she holds her hands out, I take them greedily as she helps me stand up. I don’t need help standing, but I do need the support.
Once I’m standing, she moves to my bad side, still holding my hands. I take one deep breath and then take my step.
Then another.
And another.
“Holy shit,” I whisper. “I’m doing it.”
She stepped away at some point. I hear her clap her hands together and look over at her. Her eyes glisten with unshed tears as she holds her clasped hands to her mouth.
“You’re doing it!” She does a little jump.
Confidence surges through me, and I take a stroll through the living room, into the kitchen, and around the island. Roxie watches me from her spot. I know she would have been by my side if I really needed it, but I don’t, and she’s showing me that.
I walk around the whole house, feeling more like myself than I have in months.
“This is fucking amazing, Rox!” I yell from my room.
I feel great. Nothing hurts, and I feel strong.
I haven’t felt strong since Tennison dragged me to the cabin.
When I walk back to the living room where I left her, that bright smile is back on her face.
“I’m so fucking proud of you.”
Her words fill my whole body with warmth. I move before I can think better of it. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pick her up in a hug. Her squeal brings a smile to my face and has my heart beating double-time.
“Put me down! Are you crazy?!” She slaps my shoulder.
I gently place her back on the ground, but I don’t let go of her waist.
“I said walk around, not go all Hulk on me and pick me up! Jesus. That could actually hurt you!” Her indignation only lasts a minute.
“I think, tomorrow, I want to go for a real walk,” I say hesitantly.
“Absolutely,” she agrees.
“And I think I want to have the family over tomorrow too, if that’s okay. I think it’s time to actually talk.” Being able to walk brace-free is making me realize how far I’ve come and how much I still have to go. Opening up to my family should have been the first thing I did, but fear stood in the way.
Roxie has helped take a good chunk of that fear away, and now it’s time to face the real world .
“Tell me how I can help,” Roxie says immediately. Her willingness to help me never ceases to amaze me. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.
I end up walking around the house a little more before Roxie makes me do some exercise without my brace on. When we’re done, I pull out my phone and send a group text.
Me:
Impromptu family dinner tomorrow? My place? I think it’s finally time to sit down and talk about … everything.
I’m nervous.
Roxie said she would leave if I wanted her to, but I asked her to stay. She promised to stay in her section of the house because she felt like she and Ivy were intruding. I didn’t refute because I didn’t want to tell her I wanted her there next to me. It felt too vulnerable on an already vulnerable day.
Now, I’m wishing I would have grown some balls and asked her to join me.
A knock at the door makes me jump. The annoyance that my family is knocking instead of just barging in like usual hits me hard. The way I have acted has made them all wary of me and my reactions to everything. I can’t even blame them.
Walking to the door, I take a deep breath, like Roxie taught me, before opening it .
Six faces of varying concern greet me, and my eyes well up with tears at how readily they’re here and ready to forget I’ve been an asshole for too long.
“I made spaghetti,” I say weakly, moving to the side to let everyone in. Smiles spread over every single one of their faces, making my shoulders slump in relief.
My worry is over nothing, I know that, but it’s hard to ask for forgiveness when I’m not sure I can forgive myself for how I’ve treated everyone.
“You decided the mountain man look wasn’t doing it for ya, Lenny?” Rina asks with a smirk, but there’s happiness behind her smart-ass comment.
“Felt like it was time,” I say meekly, my hand running over the five o’clock shadow.
They all talk over each other as they head to my dining room. Rina raids the refrigerator, adding the seltzers she brought to the drinks in there before grabbing the tea and making a glass for Arlo. I watch each couple interact, and the hard thumping in my chest increases. This time, it’s not because I’m going to talk to them about things I’d rather keep buried; it’s because I finally see the draw. I understand why they all went through so many struggles for their love.
Because that’s how it’s starting to feel with Roxie. Not love, but this protectiveness growing inside me, and I don’t know how to stop it. Hell, I’m not sure I want to. No, that’s a lie. I know I don’t want to. The need to protect her and my Pixie fuel much of my life these days.
“Spaghetti’s almost done, then we can dish up.” I stir the pasta and watch the water swirl. I’ve gone over things I want to say in my head a million times since deciding to do this, but I find myself at a loss in this moment. How do you tell your family that you aren’t okay? How do you relive the worst day of your life because you know, in the long run, it will help you move forward?
Dinner gets plated up with ease, then it’s time to make the rounds.
“I think my favorite thing this week was getting a shipment of new fruit trees,” Ledger says with a smile at Ainsley.
“Mine is the same because I promptly took half of them and put them in our yard.” She smirks back at him.
“Awww, how fucking adorable,” Rina says like the smart-ass she is. I cover my smile by shoving a piece of garlic bread in my mouth. “Mine is getting this badass new order. It’s for built-ins for an in-home library, and they are going to be so gorgeous.”
“Shut up! I want it,” Willow whispers in awe.
“Finish your book, and I’ll make it happen.” Oakley winks. She looks at him with pure love in her eyes, and jealousy hits me again.
“Mine is that the Gossip Crew has been quiet this week. Might be the first time since I became sheriff,” Arlo says in his usual short tone.
“Mine is that I hit the halfway mark on my book. So close yet so far away from finishing,” Willow adds wistfully.
“I think my favorite is the new sandwich I created,” Oakley says.
Even though I’m eating, I’m eager to try it because he makes the best paninis. It doesn’t matter what’s on it; I’ll eat it.
All eyes suddenly turn to me, and I freeze with my fork halfway to my mouth.
“Uhh, walking without my brace for the first time.” I leave it at that because I don’t want to see the reactions. I shove the fork in my mouth and tip my head down. Saying anything more right now feels like too much. It’s too overwhelming. Then I think about Roxie. She and Ivy might be the sole good thing in my life at the moment. But I can’t tell my family that.
“It’s good to see you up and around without it,” Ledger says with no inflection, even though I know it’s hard for him to rein it in. It’s a huge deal—we all know it—but I don’t want to get into it more. As he eats, I’m thankful he doesn’t push.
It’s a rule that you have to find one good thing about your week, and we’ve never broken that. It’s also rare that any of us miss family dinner, and I’ve missed it more in these last few months than all of us combined since we were little and eating with our parents.
The rest of dinner is the usual affair, and before long, Oakley’s taken the dishes to the kitchen and brought me a beer as we all move to the living room.
Once everyone sits, there’s a natural lull in the conversation, and I know it’s my time to talk.
“I’m sorry for the way I’ve been since … Tennison.” Almost everyone opens their mouth to say something, but I hold up my hand. “I’ve been an asshole, and I don’t want to be anymore. That’s not who I am or who I want to be in the future. When I was in that cabin…” I look over at Oakley, and he nods back at me. “Tennison said things, knew things I couldn’t believe he knew. Don’t get me wrong, the actual cuts hurt like a bitch, but it was what he said that mentally fucked with me. Combine that with being stuck in the hospital for a couple of weeks, and I curled in on myself. I didn’t want to talk about any of it because I didn’t want to relive it. I felt like I had hurt enough.”
Willow reaches for Arlo’s hand, and he pulls her close. Ainsley and Rina have tears in their eyes, and the men look crushed .
“Tennison knew about our parents,” I whisper, watching as Ledger grips the arm of the couch so hard his knuckles turn white. “He knew the reason they crashed. And he knew how much guilt I feel over it.” Tears rush to my eyes, and I beg them silently not to fall. If I break now, I won’t ever get through it all.
“Len …” Rina’s soft yet hurt voice reaches me.
“He knew them dying was my fault. He knew that I was alone, that I lived alone and liked to keep it that way. That I mostly liked the company of animals over people, outside of you guys,” I add because it’s the truth. “He knew all these things about me, all my insecurities, and he spoke about them as he dug his knife deeper. Every scar is a reminder of all my doubts and faults.”
I turn to look at Oakley directly. “That’s why no one talks about it. He makes it so every time you look in the mirror, you see every fucked-up thing about yourself. Anything I’d ever felt guilty for, he capitalized on and did it while cutting me up. I can tell you which scars he made while he was talking about Mom and Dad, which ones were about me being alone. And then he told me he would visit his … victims—God, I hate that word,” I whisper, disgusted with feeling like one. “He never left them alone. That’s why they never gave details.”
Oakley’s shoulders physically drop, the weight he’s carried for years over Alfred Tennison finally off his shoulders. I wish I could have provided answers earlier, but at least I had them.
“I’m so glad I killed that fucker,” Willow says fiercely.
“You didn’t actually kill him; he fell, but nonetheless. And even if it makes me a bad person, I’m grateful he’s dead,” I agree.
“Thank you,” Oakley croaks before clearing his throat. “Thank you for telling me. ”
I bow my head because I have no words. I feel lighter, yes, but I don’t feel the relief I thought I would. Not like how I felt telling Roxie what happened.
“Can I ask you why you’re talking about it now?” Ledger asks. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m so fucking thankful you are, but what changed?”
Sighing, I tip my head back. “A lot of things. The depression dragged me so far down it was hard to wade through it. I didn’t know how to get air for a long time. And every time I looked in the mirror, I wanted to puke. Then, I fucked up my quad. Now, it feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back. This one event that put me back in the hospital, the one place I absolutely didn’t want to ever be again, and then you all sat me down and didn’t give me a choice anymore. Roxie showed up on my doorstep, and I’ve felt hope ever since. I really wanted to be able to handle this on my own,” I murmur.
“Oh, Lenny,” Rina says, tears now streaming down her face.
“I thought I could, honestly. Maybe given enough time, I could have. But being headstrong while also downing, as I learned, was counterproductive. It just made me more successful at killing myself.” The words hit me like a sledgehammer.
Everything clicks.
I didn’t want to live for the longest time. I didn’t feel like I had anything left to live for.
And then Roxie and Ivy disrupted my downward spiral, and nothing’s been the same.
Thank fucking God for that.
I look around my room, at the people with tears running down their faces who have loved and supported me through it all, grateful that they pushed. That they never gave up on me. I’m indebted to them forever for bringing Roxie into my life. She seems to be exactly what I needed to get out of the cycle. To get away from not caring if I lived or died.
Hot trails burn down my face. Reaching up, I swipe the tears away, not even realizing I’m crying.
Willow is the first to move, barreling into me, consequences be damned. Slowly, more arms circle around me, along with the soundtrack of tearful emotions releasing from us all.
Maybe I’m not the only one who needed this.
As we sit there, huddled together, I know everything will be okay. No matter what happens, I’ll survive it because of their support.
This is another huge step in getting my life back.